Budgets of Botkin and other royal fundie weddings

[mythoughtis]

Let me clarify my comments:

Prospective employer meant to me, when I read it the first time, someone we don't know except in passing, but want to get to know.

Maintaining a relationship with someone you see professionally daily or weekly, and are friendly with, could be a different story. I just know that I no longer accept wedding invitations to weddings that are for people at work that I wouldn't otherwise want to socialize with outside of work.

[JesusFightClub]

I'm from the UK where we are more reserved in these matters and at first was a bit taken aback by Ypestis's statement but her explanation makes all clear. (Nowt wrong with networking but at your wedding? was my first thought.)

This makes total sense though. Her fiance, in a small medical field, knows people he has worked with, likes and in some cases admires. Granted it will do no harm to his career but unless you elope or have a quick civil wedding you have people there you have invited out of a sense of duty, no? The aunt you strongly dislike. The incredibly offensive and generally drunk cousin. And people do that to avoid censure, whereas Ypestis and her SO have people they genuinely like who may be able, in the future, to help them but there is no obligation on either side.

Makes perfect sense and I think they will like to be asked :)

[dirtyhippiegirl]

Am I the only one who sometimes feels like there is a certain amount of "bride shaming" if you want a wedding these days?

Every wedding thread on every message board I visit will always contain people saying how much they hate the whole fancy bridal thing and white weddings and how weddings are totally over-the-top and ridiculous and spend the cost of their house on weddings. It seems to me if you want a wedding, you're automatically a bridezilla.

As someone who desperately wanted the wedding that you got -- I will only say that you're a very lucky woman to have received the day that you dreamed about.

[Maul the Koala]

If anything, I think there is a lot of cultural support for big, expensive weddings. You can't turn on the television without some wedding show, being it the worst kind such as Bridezilla, or the competitive kind where four brides try to out-do each other, or just shows highlighting high-priced, fancy weddings. In my view, that makes it look like that is the standard, and I don't agree that it has to be and certainly don't believe people should go into debt or place undue financial stress on themselves or their parents.

Say Yes to the Dress where brides try and push their parents into paying for much more expensive dresses than they can afford? The one last week the mom couldn't stop sobbing because the bride wanted a 3500 dollar dress and the mom could only afford a 2500 dollar dress. Good times.

I agree with you Austin that it's more support for big, expensive shindigs than smaller weddings. It seems to just be expected in North American culture. The only one I can think where it's not expected is LDS weddings where cake and punch is generally traditional. The wedding industry thrives off the expectations. Not to say there's anything wrong with it, if it's what you've dreamed of, it's what you've dreamed of. One of the guys I know had a wedding that was well over 100K. It's what they wanted, but I can't help but think the money would've been better spent on a house, investing in the stock market, burning it in a firepit in the backyard... I know what the groom was making at the time, it was the same as I was making and his wife was making even less. I would guess they took out a loan to pay for the wedding and will be paying it off for years to come. But it's what they wanted.

Let's not forget if you dare to have a dry wedding. The horrors! :roll:

Thankfully my parents don't expect us to have the full out wedding. My mom thinks if you're going to go to that expense just take everyone close to you down to Jamaica, Bahamas or Mexico. Have the resort plan it out for you, you just show up. :-D My parents are really pushing for small weddings if any of us get married.

[Feberin]

Say Yes to the Dress where brides try and push their parents into paying for much more expensive dresses than they can afford? The one last week the mom couldn't stop sobbing because the bride wanted a 3500 dollar dress and the mom could only afford a 2500 dollar dress. Good times.

I agree with you Austin that it's more support for big, expensive shindigs than smaller weddings. It seems to just be expected in North American culture. The only one I can think where it's not expected is LDS weddings where cake and punch is generally traditional. The wedding industry thrives off the expectations. Not to say there's anything wrong with it, if it's what you've dreamed of, it's what you've dreamed of. One of the guys I know had a wedding that was well over 100K. It's what they wanted, but I can't help but think the money would've been better spent on a house, investing in the stock market, burning it in a firepit in the backyard... I know what the groom was making at the time, it was the same as I was making and his wife was making even less. I would guess they took out a loan to pay for the wedding and will be paying it off for years to come. But it's what they wanted.

Let's not forget if you dare to have a dry wedding. The horrors! :roll:

Thankfully my parents don't expect us to have the full out wedding. My mom thinks if you're going to go to that expense just take everyone close to you down to Jamaica, Bahamas or Mexico. Have the resort plan it out for you, you just show up. :-D My parents are really pushing for small weddings if any of us get married.

I think there are "traditional weddings" that are big and probably cost between 20-50K and the over the top 100K plus weddings. I also think many people watch shows like Say Yes to the Dress for snark reasons or because they like to see the beautiful dresses not because they actually think it's OK to spend $3,500 on a wedding dress. I actually just had to shell out $200 for an ugly bridesmaids dress and that seemed like a total waste to me.

[keeperrox]

I wanted a $4800 Priscilla of Boston dress. I had tried on about 45 dresses before that, to no avail (it doesn't help that all the sample sizes were two sizes too small), and I knew the second I put it on that it was the one I had to have. But yeah, a $5k dress? No friggin' way. So I found a seamstress who had a great reputation for making custom dresses, went to the fabric district in Philly to pick out my lace and silk, and got my dress for a fraction of the cost. It was still pretty expensive (under $900 though), but it was important to me and paid in two installments after I bought the fabric and notions. Looking and feeling my best was important to me, so I was willing to spend that money. I did my own make-up, and my friend did my hair better than I would have trusted a stylist to do.

I think that it's important to prioritize what you want in a wedding. If you just want to be married, then plan accordingly. If you want only your immediate family there, then plan accordingly. If you want an intimate gathering of close family and friends, then plan accordingly. If you want a big blow-out bash that everyone will be talking about for years to come, then plan accordingly. The type of wedding you want is completely personal, and there is nothing wrong with any of the choices above or anything in between. Some people are big partiers, some people are not, and some people are a mix of the two. As long as you are respectful to your guests (as in if you aren't serving a meal in an area that usually does, make sure they know it ahead of time), I don't see the problem.

[antifundie]

It's not about the wedding per se, it's about the purity of the bride, and if that can be shown/demonstrated, everything else is fluff.

I think that's the point of the fundie weddings--they aren't about love, or family, or celebration, they are about hymens (and death, if you're a Maxwell).

In some of those groups either dancing or drinking is out (or both are out), you usually do "have" to invite a billion people (and their children!), and you probably can't afford a nice dinner for all of them.

For fundie royalty, it's not about the couple at all--it's about the parents, and so my guess is that the bride (much less the groom) has much to do with the planning. Plus, if you're going to barter/trade/have friends and family host or do pictures or whatever, you're limited by who you know.

And honestly, I think parents and family members and friends need to STFU about other people's weddings. If you're not one of the two people getting married, you shouldn't have a say, and (in my opinion) any money needs to be a no-strings-attached gift. Ok, fine, my parents gave me money, and *did* expect to be there, but otherwise, 0 expectations. Same with my In-laws. It made planning SO much easier.

Example 1: A girl I knew was given $15k for her wedding by her parents, but told them it wasn't enough. (Yeah).

Example 2: Parents gave girl a budget (of 10k, I believe) but didn't give her the $$, so every decision had to go through them, and they would "upgrade" when they felt it was important. I think that situation would suck--she worked hard to stay in budget, and make decisions accordingly, but her parents got to break the budget when they wanted too, without consulting her.

Wedding costs do balloon, BUT the easiest way to keep costs down IMHO is to limit the guest list. There is no real reason to have 300+ person weddings unless you want too, and if your family is mad about not being invited, send them a bill with their invite. :) (I say in jest, I know it can be more complicated than that, but really, why do people expect couples to spend $50-150+ pp for a dinner? It's not fair.) I feel like, especially now with the economy and the unstableness of jobs, that families would be more understanding of wanting to stay in budget and/or save money for other things.

[Maul the Koala]

I think there are "traditional weddings" that are big and probably cost between 20-50K and the over the top 100K plus weddings. I also think many people watch shows like Say Yes to the Dress for snark reasons or because they like to see the beautiful dresses not because they actually think it's OK to spend $3,500 on a wedding dress. I actually just had to shell out $200 for an ugly bridesmaids dress and that seemed like a total waste to me.

Unfortunately there have been more than enough brides to sustain that show for how many seasons now? It's not only that show, but shows like Rich Bride, Poor Bride and so on. I'm not sure if you guys get that stateside. I find it funny the only time the wedding dresses come under a thousand dollars is when the groom is picking out the wedding dress. Even then it's iffy. Haha. The one I'm watching now the dress is $2400. Aie...

It also depends on where you are. We don't have a great selection of wedding dresses. A lot started closing up left and right here. I think you'd have to be pretty shrewd to capitalize on sales (white grad dresses can make wedding dresses too!) or have to shop online to get anything below $1000. My mom paid $500 for her wedding dress back in the 80s and she told me that was pretty standard in the area she was living in at the time. I don't want to even adjust that for inflation.

[Austin]

And honestly, I think parents and family members and friends need to STFU about other people's weddings. If you're not one of the two people getting married, you shouldn't have a say, and (in my opinion) any money needs to be a no-strings-attached gift. Ok, fine, my parents gave me money, and *did* expect to be there, but otherwise, 0 expectations. Same with my In-laws. It made planning SO much easier.

I think this is very important, too. We will give our sons $5K apiece in cash (well, a check) and they and their brides can do whatever they like - no strings attached. We would hope to at least be invited, though :D We do not have any strong ideas nor expectations about how they will spend that money. If they spend it to go to Vegas or go on a cruise and get married (our eldest likes this idea a whole lot), then fine. If they don't elope, we will also pay for the rehearsal dinner, should there be one.

$5K is the cost of our wedding 29 years ago adjusted for inflation and then we added on a little over a thousand dollars to bring it to a round number. I'm sure some people would think that's a terribly cheap amount, but our sons know our sensibilities and share them for the most part. We are not people who feel like we have to impress others or "save face" or any such thing. A wedding is to celebrate the marriage of two people and it should be about that important event. If some potential guests expect to "get something out of it" and think they may be disappointed, they should RSVP their regrets.

I get that other families feel differently, and if they have the money, more power to them. But if one of our sons' brides wants a $50K wedding, either her parents are going to have to pony up big-time, or they will have to figure it out between themselves.

We are also contributing to our sons' college educations and will be paying off large portions of their student loans, which I think is a far more important investment.

[Feberin]

I think this is very important, too. We will give our sons $5K apiece in cash (well, a check) and they and their brides can do whatever they like - no strings attached. We would hope to at least be invited, though We do not have any strong ideas nor expectations about how they will spend that money. If they spend it to go to Vegas or go on a cruise and get married (our eldest likes this idea a whole lot), then fine. If they don't elope, we will also pay for the rehearsal dinner, should there be one.

See my dad gave us $15K but with the understanding that they had a lot of control over the guest list. We had friends of his that I had never MET before my wedding that we were told needed to be there. He did let us control the rest of how the money was spent and we saved money whenever possible. But the size of the guest list is a huge indicator for the cost of a wedding.

[mythoughtis]

We are (and did, for the older) paying for most of the college expenses, and the startup apartment deposit expenses after college for our sons. I feel that given a good start like that, they and their bride can pay for a wedding they can afford. Now, we will pick up the rehearsal dinner (althouth one son seems to think that should include a party when they return from a destination wedding which to me is a lot more expensive), some incidental expenses (groom's tux, etc). But I am not giving them $1000s of dollars to pay for something that they can save for... the older one is 30!