Budgets of Botkin and other royal fundie weddings

[dawn9476]

All the weddings I have been to have had dinner and dancing with a DJ at the receptions. I think they have all had open bars, too. Most of them were also mainstream Catholic weddings so you had to sit through a full mass.

[Kitty]

I've never been to a wedding. Ever. :?

I do know some people who have had weddings, and since they were all fresh out of high school they can't have been expensive.

If I somehow change my beliefs on marriage (not going to jack the thread) and get married (which will NOT be in the near future, since I'm 19), I will either have a civil ceremony, a small wedding at whatever small venue I can find that won't be in use by others on that same day, or do what my parents did and elope to Orlando. :D

[alphaeta08]

I plan on having a pretty simple wedding, too. The only think I'll go all out on is the open bar, because come on, that's the only reason anyone in my family will show up! :lol: I keep telling my mom I'm having KFC cater, which she's absolutely fine with. So I'm thinking guests can pick which fast food option they'd like, followed by a big ass dessert bar. And my sister will work the iPod.

[YPestis]

I would like to have a cheap wedding but not even a cheap one around here could be kept under $5000 in this day and age for the people we are inviting (family and few close friends and important people from work). Even a simple rental at a church basement with a cake and a DJ could easily run in the thousands. Add in a few decoration pieces and photography and we are already going over $5000.

The one person I know whose wedding about $5000 got it done because the wedding ceremony and reception was both in his backyard. There was no alcohol and his sisters/mom cooked all the food. Presumably, the guest list wasn't all that high. All of this done in a small town where COL presumably is lower. H

Another acquaintance, who is pretty frugal, forewent a dinner and did a dessert reception at a medium sized town and was very careful about budgeting yet she only managed it under $10k and considered that a feat.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for those that talked about their wedding 20 years ago and how frugal it was, remember that inflation--and the wedding industry in general----has made that $5000 wedding a lot more than $5000 these days. The same dress dress bought 20 years ago would cost far more now. Say the word 'wedding' to the baker, florist, DJ, photographers and they demand a substantial markup. All those markups add up and you end up spending $10k easily. And of course, most people want to have a cake and some flowers in their weddings so people just cringe and bear it....

[Deleted12]

I swear that even though the idea of a wedding is entirely theoretical at this point, I'm going to have a full-on camping weekend with a BBQ. I'm going to get a cake from the local market and if people don't want to camp they can go stay in a motel.

Like, seriously. Bring your own food and booze in lieu of a gift, or chip in for the honeymoon.

It's not about being cheap, it's about not being ripped off and not expecting your guests to pay hundreds to attend. (And on edit, I like the idea of everyone hanging out for two days or so better than I like the idea of a reception alone. If someone's travelling hours to visit me, I want to hang out for a while, ya know?)

[lalapendragon]

If and when I get married a second time it will be me, my boyfriend and a judge. I had a million bridesmaids since I had been in many weddings I felt obliged to ask the same girls so there were many of them. I sold my fab Vera Wang dress on Ebay and I already have all the silver and china I could ever use and enough glasses to open a bar.

In NYC I would find it hard to believe you could have a wedding with all the trimmings for less than 25K if you have a band and an open bar. Have never heard of a cash bar at a wedding. Venues are expensive, musicians are expensive and liquor is not cheap. I don't think people have fancy weddings because people expect a meal in exchange for a gift. If I don't go to the wedding I always send a more expensive gift than if I had attended and paid for a hotel, travel and whatever other assorted expenses I would incur.

[demgirl]

I don't think you "owe" your guests anything persay, although I guess now knowing about the huge differences in weddings, it would be helpful to know what's involved. Like, if I were invited to a cake and punch reception, I'd want to know, simply so I could eat beforehand -- most weddings I've been to take about three hours, when said and done -- drive there, arrive early, wait for the inevitable delay, ceremony, getting out of lot, etc. And that's before any reception.

I do think that there should be an appropriate awareness, however, if you are inviting people from far away, that would need to take time off of work, make travel plans and pay for lodging. That's a lot to do for a wedding, and so I think it would be nice, in that case, to at least have those people over for dinner or something, so they didn't travel that whole way for a few hours.

Either way, I think I have a different perspective on the wedding thing. I see it as a giant party to celebrate and I think I'd want that party to last more than a few hours. I think I'd probably want to do the whole shebang, both because it's what I've always known, and because it turns into An Event, which I think is fun and gives you time to hang out with almost everyone in the world you like the best, eat some good food, drink some wine, dance like a fool. Also, my mom got married by a JP and always regretted it, which I've heard about my whole life. So I guess if I do a big wedding and it turns out to not matter that much to me in the long run, I think that's better than having the regrets my mom has always had.

[JesusFightClub]

I plan on having a pretty simple wedding, too. The only think I'll go all out on is the open bar, because come on, that's the only reason anyone in my family will show up! :lol: I keep telling my mom I'm having KFC cater, which she's absolutely fine with. So I'm thinking guests can pick which fast food option they'd like, followed by a big ass dessert bar. And my sister will work the iPod.

:) Got to say, this sounds like best. wedding. evar...

[Stickers]

I think part of it is some fundie families don't think spending money on making the kids special day nice is worth it. A lot of fundie parents seem very self centered, I'm sure a lot of the more popular families could make room in the budget for posher party but it might mean mom and dad have to cut back or work a little bit more for a month, and why would they do that?

[Witsec6]

I swear that even though the idea of a wedding is entirely theoretical at this point, I'm going to have a full-on camping weekend with a BBQ. I'm going to get a cake from the local market and if people don't want to camp they can go stay in a motel.

Like, seriously. Bring your own food and booze in lieu of a gift, or chip in for the honeymoon.

It's not about being cheap, it's about not being ripped off and not expecting your guests to pay hundreds to attend. (And on edit, I like the idea of everyone hanging out for two days or so better than I like the idea of a reception alone. If someone's travelling hours to visit me, I want to hang out for a while, ya know?)

I love it!

[dawn]

I've been to all sorts of wedding receptions,

• dinner of varying degrees of fanciness
  
• campfire BBQ
  
• breakfast
  
• tray passed dessert bites and champagne outside the church
  
• potluck
  
• cake and a wine toast at home
  
• even a few with a simple receiving line with jordan almonds in tulle at the end

I don't have expectations for weddings in general, but I usually know what type of event to expect when I'm invited to one.

Last two (Greek) family weddings we went to, one had a mega extravaganza for a reception and the other had the above mentioned receiving line. Same side of the family too. And weddings in my family are huge. Like someone said upthread, wedding = family reunion.

There's also a lot of emotional/cultural pressure on the parents to marry off their children with as big a production as they can afford. Not everyone succumbs to it, obviously, but, for some reason, it's the people who struggle financially that try the hardest to impress.

Our wedding 4 years ago was the first in both families in many years (but almost everyone has got married since) and there was a lot of pressure on us to have a big wedding.

In the end we were able to cut the list to about 240, and we had 190ish with us on the day.

It cost about 11K and we had a dinner reception with wine & beer at a seafront property (seafront was my #1 priority). Our families paid for most of it too.

We were very careful with the money we had. We could have easily spent twice as much for the same. I'm very happy with the way it all turned out (& a bit proud of my budgeting skills). 8-)

We also got to set the standard for family weddings. you know how people say "in our family we always do __________". Well, "always" has to start somewhere, and it started with us :lol:

[Jencendiary]

You know what, I grew up in that no bar, no meal, cake & punch in the fellowship hall tradition. But after leaving home and being invited to weddings with a full meal & entertainment, I think that's the better way to do it. People, after they've eaten, seem to be more relaxed and happy to stay and celebrate instead of dashing out after the cake cutting to pull through a McDonalds because all they've had is Jordan Almonds and that gross Sherbert Punch.

Should the worst happen, and I end up married, I will not put my guests through 30 minutes to an hour of ceremony and another 3 or 4 hours of socializing without food. It just seems inhospitable.

[FundiesInMyFamily]

I got married at 12:30 on a Sunday (absolutely none of us are religious except my ex who was Wiccan) and had a really nice lunch reception afterwards, with a champagne toast. I thought being a lunch reception on Sunday, and with champaigne that would be enough, but the ex's family are all big boozers and a few are raging alcholics so people threw a fit that we didn't have a bar... my sister in law had a bottle of vodka in her purse. I thought it was entirely tacky. I enjoy a drinkie or 3 like everyone else, but not usually at noon! This was 5 years ago, wedding and reception were in a really nice hotel ballroom, had around 60 guests, did it all for around $3000. Too bad the marraige only lasted 13 months - those things happen when you marry a sociopath!

[dirtyhippiegirl]

Here's a thread that touches on it:

http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon339.htm

Unfortunately the site is a bear to navigate. I've spent hours reading through it and that's where I got the "Temple weddings are teh suxx0r" message from.

ETA: here's another thread that's a little more forthcoming: http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon507.htm

lol I think I must have spent a few hours reading various threads on that site from Mormon food to weddings to missionary work. Thanks for the fascinating site!

[Angri-la]

I tried planning a wedding. No matter what choice I made, there was someone there saying "you can't do that", or you have to do it like this, or don't do it at all.

We eloped. Our daughter and one male and one female friend came with. We grilled. My husband got his steak, I got my salmon, our vegetarian friends were happy, and Ladybugg got hotdogs. It is not an elegant affair to her without them.

Second happiest day of my life, and it was under 1000 bucks, including 3 gold rings, one for each of us.

To each their own. I didn't want a Disney Princess wedding, but, while I think spending 50k on a wedding is absurd, others would think mine was trashy...also, no one gave me away. Or transferred authority. Am I really married?

[Feberin]

I'm sorry but I didn't read every post but did anyone mention that they have a short engagement/courtship? Perhaps it's easier to plan a simple wedding in 3 months then a big one.

[dawn]

Mine was not too long - I was engaged in November, didn't do any planning until the new year (other than figure out what we wanted), booked a venue mid-February and got married early June. Knowing myself, more time would have only made me second-guess every decision I made.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Although I'm sure our favorite show pony Dougie will throw quite a shindig for his kids. Vision Forum has always struck me as trying to be "high-end", so a lavish wedding would be kind of a PR thing on Dougie's part. Hell, he'll probably plan the whole thing, from the color scheme to the flowers to the cake. He's probably already got his wedding finery picked out--the bride will be outshined for sure.

In fact the first fundie wedding I ever read about was for Peter and Kelly Bradrick - it's the place I was first introduced to the idea of a couple's first kiss being the one after the marriage pronouncement.

That wedding was featured prominently on the Vision Forum site (something which got me reading a lot more at Vision Forum, actually) and I recall they did it up very fancy, seemingly purposely aimed at being an advertisement for courting. So I do think there's a division, of sorts, with the quite frugal weddings and then those few really big show-off bashes that WOULD be designed to draw in the followers.

[SweetTexasCrude]

I'm sorry but I didn't read every post but did anyone mention that they have a short engagement/courtship? Perhaps it's easier to plan a simple wedding in 3 months then a big one.

THIS.

I had a big fancy expensive wedding and thought that planning a year ahead was enough. WRONG! Several photographers, caterers, and the like were booked 18+ months out. Even with the same budget I couldn't have pulled off the same wedding on three months' notice!

[Deleted12]

One of my friends managed to get a very nice wedding venue with a view of the ocean on fairly short notice.

Apparently nobody else wanted to get married on September 11th. :P

[gardenvarietycitizen]

One of my friends managed to get a very nice wedding venue with a view of the ocean on fairly short notice.

Apparently nobody else wanted to get married on September 11th. :P

Heh. That's definitely one way to do it! :P

In Japan there's always a rush for days where a certain type of "daily luck" (it's written on the calendar, and cycles around) is at the highest good value and the day itself is on Sunday to make things easy for attendees (used to be the one day most people had off from work). So venues can charge a lot, and are hard to get.

On the other hand, the wedding venues are far easier to get on days where the "daily luck" is the lowest value. So you might think (and surely many modern people do), well, hey, I don't actually believe in the "daily luck" so whatever, just sign up for the low one and save some money! But then you gotta think, hm, if we got divorced, you just know some gossipy superstitious relative or other would blame it on the bad luck...

...but you know what's worse luck? Talking about death at a wedding!!! Ahem. ;) Still can't believe I saw that.

[YPestis]

I think it's hard to judge the type of wedding one wants. As some have pointed out, if you have out of state guests, it would seem bad form to have them fly in to watch a brief ceremony and drink punch and eat cake in a windowless basement.

OTOH, if all you want is people who all live in the same town, then it may be overkill to rent a four star hotel along with unlimited bar and plated dinner with lobster and goat meat LOL.

As for me, my original opinion was to have a simple wedding as some above thread have talked/joked about. However, I think people should be careful about feeling smug about their frugality. You really don't know what type of wedding you'll want until you have to plan your own.

My own wedding has ballooned already and the planning as only started. It's different when you realize you are inviting out of state guests flying in, family members you haven't seen in years taking time off work, important work associates, and people that are also prospective employers. All of whom you are interested in inviting. And of course, the wedding isn't just your vision, it's your partner's.

All of this was taken in to consideration as we tried to plan a wedding, and the cost has gone over the original cost very easily. We feel that a bare bones wedding, with a punch and cake reception in a church basement, while consistent with a budget that I like, would probably not go over well with people that spent a significant amount of time and effort to come see it.

I guess we can afford to expand our wedding without too much argument because my SO's mother is very well off and can easily afford to foot the bill. Everything I cringe at, she hasn't batted an eye. However, we have both tried to rein in the cost. It's easy blow thousands on inconsequential things.

That said, the fact that some "royal" fundie families use their families to evangelize but then opt for a bare bones wedding seem contradictory. The VF group in particular seem to cater to an upscale, princess like experience of "godly womanhood". Therefore, I was very surprised at the simple wedding that David and Nadia had. However, I never thought about the short courtships many of these couples have. Just from my own experience, it is hard to book the nicer spots unless you've been planning for over a year. Plus, it's just much easier to go without if you want to marry in 3 mo. Anyways, this thread has most definitely been derailed. I guess any talk of wedding will eventually turn to talks of the expenses of such an affair LOL.

[Guest Anonymous]

I've never been to a wedding (in the UK) where a meal is not served, the price difference has always been down to the choice of venue/menu/cash or open bar. My fave ever wedding was of then-student friends, where the bride wore her mother's re-styled gown, her grandmother's veil, and had her late grandfather's ring melted down to fit her. The reception was held in the back hall of a pub, with a buffet made by family, and the band was the groom's father's own two-man band. We laughed and cried all day, and it all cost under £2K, including their honeymoon.

But I digress, and realise this was not what the thread was about! :)

I too have been surprised at how short and sweet some of the fundie weddings are, since they seem to be the be-all and end-all of a fundie girl's life. I don't think anyone is 'owed' either a meal or a present but it just makes sense to me that if people are travelling any distance or staying any length of time, then they are going to need to be fed something substantial, because eating is a part of life..... Chris and Anna Maxwell's reception took the biscuit for me - it included speeches and powerpoint presentations, not to mention that it took at least an hour for the guests to be 'dismissed' from church before the whole shebang even begun. Nuts, peppermints and punch seemed like a bit of an insult after all that time - if I were a guest I'd have been thrilled even with a bean burrito after several hours of preaching and waiting around....

I liked Meredith's wedding best, of the fundie weddings I've seen so far. Although the particular frock was not to my taste, and I wouldn't want to eat pulled pork while wearing a wedding gown, I liked that they were able to have whatever they wanted and invite whoever they wanted and let them enjoy the space on the farm to dance, eat or whatever.

[Feberin]

YPestis I'm not going to quote your whole post but I agree with pretty much everything you said in it. When my husband and I got married three years ago my father had agreed to give us money for it and my MIL previously did wedding flowers, cakes and now is a seamstress so we baked our own cake and she decorated it. She made my dress and did the flowers with a friend. We decorated the church hall where we had the reception ourselves. But we both come from huge families and couldn't get the guest list under 200 unless we invited no friends at all or limited family to parents and siblings. Wedding costs ended up being $15,000, which was quite a bit more from the $10,000 budget but when we started I had no idea how expensive it was to feed 200 people decent food and we did want to offer a full meal to our guests. Anyways back on topic it's very easy for wedding costs to balloon and even something that might seem very simple (reception in a church hall) can be expensive. Even a church charged a few thousand for hall rental (included the plates, silverware and bartenders).

Just wanted to add good luck YPestis! Whatever type of wedding you have it'll be a wonderful memory!

[dormouse]

I tried planning a wedding. No matter what choice I made, there was someone there saying "you can't do that", or you have to do it like this, or don't do it at all.

We eloped. Our daughter and one male and one female friend came with. We grilled. My husband got his steak, I got my salmon, our vegetarian friends were happy, and Ladybugg got hotdogs. It is not an elegant affair to her without them.

Second happiest day of my life, and it was under 1000 bucks, including 3 gold rings, one for each of us.

To each their own. I didn't want a Disney Princess wedding, but, while I think spending 50k on a wedding is absurd, others would think mine was trashy...also, no one gave me away. Or transferred authority. Am I really married?

This. Never wanted to be a princess bride, even as a child. In fact, I wanted to elope since I was a 13, when I had seen the forest scene in Braveheart.

With my past of domestic violence, I wanted to be married to my Nice Guy ASAP, not spend 18 months agonizing over centerpieces, chaircovers and bridesmaid shoes.

At first, I had tried to plan a small, simple wedding, with maybe 30-ish guests, just immediate family and close friends. But I got the "you can't do that" and "you have to invite so-and-so". I didn't think planning even a small wedding was so much trouble and so much money (no one wanted to help us financially). So elopement it was. It was us, two witnesses, and another friend to take pictures. One unpleasant thing is that my witness spent the day scolding me for doing it that way, pointing at other brides in "real wedding dresses" saying how beautiful they were, that she didn't understand why I voluntarily said no to my only chance to be "a queen for a day". I only realized it months later, because on the wedding day, I was floating on a cloud! Needless to say, she is out of my life and cropped from the pictures where it was possible. Anyway she was frowning in most of them. Other than that, the day was perfect and everyone else had a blast. The next day, we invited parents and grandparents for cake and champagne, and put a picture slideshow on the TV. They were all happy that we had done it that way, and I was complimented on being so financially sensible. The only one to be a bit disappointed was my mother-in-law, because it would have been her only chance to plan a wedding, since my sister-in-law has been shacking up with the same guy for the last 20 years and has no intention of getting married. But she wasn't overly angry, in fact she's been nicer since, I think it served as a warning that I wouldn't let her patronize me in any aspect of my life.

Weddings are never simple. I've read every single post in that thread, and it made me re-live my unpleasant wedding-planning days. No one has the same idea on what a wedding should be. I say live and let live.

One thing I have to agree on is that the weddings are big in cultures when it's the be-all end-all in the life of the bride. In one of the Chatter threads, I was wondering about that, and I think I have my answer. I was wondering why the poorer the culture, the bigger the wedding, for example: weddings in Indian slums last for days, while rich Manhattanite journalists elope to the courthouse in office clothes. It's because the rich/educated/career-minded people have other things in their life, being married is a part of what makes their life happy and fulfilled but not ONLY that.