Lori Alexander's Tips on Avoiding Child Molestation

[Toothfairy]

I'm so glad my parents didnt let me go to sleepovers with non family members, or hang out with non Christians. It's great that I didn't have to go to daycare where I could have been abused by a stranger. Being abused by my grandfather the church deacon was definitely better. I'm sure it's every little girl's dream to be abused from age 3-13, and be threatened with foster care if I told. I was told that if I said anything, they'd take me away and put me in an orphanage where all the boys would molest me, and it was better coming from someone who loved me. Oh, and if I couldn't be sweet, maybe my sisters would. Guess what? I went along with it, and kept sweet. Do you know how screwed up it is to have to pretend to like it? Maybe if I'd been out in the world more I could have told sooner. Lori, the Pearls, and all the other fundies that believe this garbage can fuck themselves.

That's horrible

[Marianne]

I'm so glad my parents didnt let me go to sleepovers with non family members, or hang out with non Christians. It's great that I didn't have to go to daycare where I could have been abused by a stranger. Being abused by my grandfather the church deacon was definitely better. I'm sure it's every little girl's dream to be abused from age 3-13, and be threatened with foster care if I told. I was told that if I said anything, they'd take me away and put me in an orphanage where all the boys would molest me, and it was better coming from someone who loved me. Oh, and if I couldn't be sweet, maybe my sisters would. Guess what? I went along with it, and kept sweet. Do you know how screwed up it is to have to pretend to like it? Maybe if I'd been out in the world more I could have told sooner. Lori, the Pearls, and all the other fundies that believe this garbage can fuck themselves.

I'm so sorry for you, I send you good vibe :(

Hey Lori, I think that I know some thing about Child abuse (foster care, etc...), and do you know what protect the most the children ? PUBLIC SCHOOL (I tell public school because here, private school ask parent to be commit in the school life, so when you dear father rape you at home, you can also see him at school). Public school is the place where a children could know that parents are not always right, and that they have right (anyway, I'm not sure that US have sign the Right of Children ?).

Family is the first place where children are molested. What you must tell to your children is "your father, your mother, your sister, myself, could be dangerous for you. If one day it happens, tell me/tell your teacher" Family is the danger.

[Hane]

I always told my kids to look for a mommy with children if they could not find a police officer or security guard. It was tricky with my daughter because she'd always add "Or a grandpa. Grandpas are good." And I'd have to say "No. look for a mommy with kids." It's such a frightening thing to have to talk about....

Years ago at the mall, I ran into a frightened little girl who had lost sight of her mother. A man had come up to her and offered to help her find her mom. I walked up to him, firmly said, "I've got this," and he backed away. In a few minutes, we found the mom, who thanked me profusely.

I've often wondered whether the man was a bad guy, or a good guy who agreed to back off to avoid any appearance of evil.

Edited to add:

Mecca and Fullenoughquiver, my heart goes out to you, and to anyone else here who has been victimized this way. Lori Alexander Who Is A Fucking Monster is full of shit. Christianity[tm][/tm] is no magic bullet that saves vulnerable people from harm.

When it was learned that a young man at my church had been arrested on child abuse charges (not sure whether it was ownership of child pornography or active abuse or both), our congregation went into full "lockdown" mode, meaning strict permanent protocols about adult interaction with children. Adults who interact with children must do so in teams for the purposes of accountability. (I had actually met this guy for the first time outside church. He worked in a toy store, and helped me choose a birthday present for my nephew. It was the stereotype of "He's such a nice person--he couldn't POSSIBLY be a child molester!")

Many years earlier, before I joined the congregation, a different congregant was convicted of child molestation and was serving a long prison sentence. Last year, he was released and expressed an interest in returning to church. After he met with the minister and our leadership council, it was decided that NO WAY IN HELL would he be welcome back. A communication went out to everyone in the congregation, along with a copy of the letter the minister sent him, stating that, for the safety of the children (and his own safety--I think that people were concerned that a violent confrontation might occur), he was no longer permitted to attend our church.

This is the first time in my life I have ever seen a church address this kind of problem so openly. Of course, most of us UUs aren't Christian, so there's no obligation to be guilted into having to forgive anybody.

[RosyDaisy]

It can't be said often enough. Lori Alexander is a Pearl worshipping fucking monster. She knows not what she speaks.

[Full enough quiver]

I'd like to think that if one of my children were molested, that they would feel comfortable telling me, and we could work through it. Of course, they aren't isolated from anyone who could help them, and they've been raised to value themselves and feel comfortable with their bodies. Theyve been educated about what is and is not okay. They are allowed to say no to adults. They know that their value isn't based on whether or not they have had sex. They know their bodies are theirs. God forbid, one of them becomes a victim, but if they do, we can minimize the damage. It doesn't have to screw them up for life.

[Jana814]

Oh yes, Lori, being isolated and in a fundie Christian family really helped me. Let's see, my brother, who was much older, a youth director, and the church piano player of our father's church, molested and raped me for years. I was threatened death and the death of others if I told. But hey, I did eventually tell my parents when I was a young teenager. And guess what? Nothing happened. That is right. Nothing happened. You know why? Because my Dad cared more about keeping his church intact and not having a scandal within his church. I was told that if I was a true believer, I would just forgive and move on. So as a young thirteen year old with parents that cared more about appearances and what their congregation thought of them, I was forced to have continued contact with the person that caused me great harm. 

But wait, it gets better. So a few years passed after I spoke up, my brother that harmed me was killed in an car accident and everyone made him out to be a martyr. My mother even told me his death was my fault because I wished him dead. I was given so much shit by family and my church for not crying at his funeral. The truth was, I was relieved. 

So yeah, you are going to have to excuse me, Lori, for not having much faith in your ignorant, harmful teachings. And yes, please go fuck yourself.... you clueless, seahag.

I'm soo sorry that this happened to you.

[guidedbybobafett]

"Biological mother and father" you can tell this woman is not a spring chicken and never realized that sometimes we have to grow and bend with the times. If someone said something like this to me in public I would laugh in their face and ridicule them for being an insane bigot.

[Dysfundamental]

My heartfelt sympathies to everyone who's shared their experiences with childhood sexual abuse in the thread. Lori's dimwitted "strategy" wouldn't have protected me, either.

She is a toxic cloud of hurtful nonsense and should stop blogging.

[Mecca]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words.

I recently had to come to the realization that some people, not matter how they are related, can be toxic. I always held out hope my parents would get a clue and realize they failed me, but that will never happen. I think some of that hope was actually guilt. Those fundies are good at that, always throwing around that children must respect their parents no matter what or else nonsense. I really try to focus on the good in my life now and cut out the bad. I have an amazing spouse, and he has been a great support to me.

[Hane]

I'd like to think that if one of my children were molested, that they would feel comfortable telling me, and we could work through it. Of course, they aren't isolated from anyone who could help them, and they've been raised to value themselves and feel comfortable with their bodies. Theyve been educated about what is and is not okay. They are allowed to say no to adults. They know that their value isn't based on whether or not they have had sex. They know their bodies are theirs. God forbid, one of them becomes a victim, but if they do, we can minimize the damage. It doesn't have to screw them up for life.

When I was six (this was back in the '50s), I was molested by a stranger (a teenaged boy) whom I never saw again. He didn't injure me, but I was horribly embarrassed that I'd trusted him enough to let him take me into a secluded place. I "knew" it was my fault that it had happened, so I didn't tell anyone. In those days, conversations about good touch/bad touch were not yet a "thing." I mean, we were shown a movie about "stranger danger," but it seemed to be aimed at avoiding abduction, and didn't address "bad touch" issues at all.

Six years later, when I was twelve, I was sitting in the den with my parents, reading Parents' magazine, and there was an article about child molestation. I burst into tears. My parents were concerned, and tried to talk to me about it, to find out who the guy was (I had no idea, and wouldn't have been able to recognize him anyway).

I was very open with my own daughter about good touch/bad touch, and it was discussed at her school. And still, when she was eight and my then-twelve-year-old then-stepson (may he rot in hell) felt her up, she kept it bottled up for three years--until she burst into tears when she was with me in a grocery store.

I am glad that good parents are working so hard nowadays to help ensure their children's sense of bodily autonomy, but bad shit can still happen. Damn it all.

[Full enough quiver]

I'm sorry for everyone who has been victimized. We can talk all day long about how to keep our kids safe, and we can definitely do things to decrease the likelihood that our children will be victimized, but sometimes in spite of our best efforts, shit happens. If it does, all we can do is help them deal with it. Even after everything that happened to me, I still believe it doesn't have to damage you permanently. If you give kids the foundation of self confidence and belief in their own worth, if you don't buy into purity culture bullshit, if they love and respect their bodies, they stand a better chance of recovery. I think the fundie lifestyle not only increases the risk of kids becoming victims, it increases the odds that the child will not tell, and not get help, making the situation even worse.

[jjmennonite]

I am also sorry for everyone that was victimized. Our patriarchal, mother-submissive, father-led family did not protect me and my sister from being molested in our home by our brother-in-law. We were teenagers, and eventually stopped it ourselves, and dad told us to forgive. Eventually, when the perp started grooming my nieces, I told my brother and his wife, and they were very supportive and kicked they guy out of their lives (and gave me the idea to kick him out of mine) long before my sister divorced him.

My (NOT) lovely upstanding Christian uncle tried to 'patch up our broken family' when he heard about this. He went and asked the perp if he had done it, and tried to convince all of us that we were liars and we should stop the stories. I was very proud of my brother - he broke the patriarchal chain and told my uncle to go get stuffed and if his sisters said it, it was true.

My nieces, nephews (except for the ones raised by the perp) and daughter are very well educated in good touch/bad touch and good secrets/bad secrets. When my daughter told her cousin (at age 6 or so) about a 'secret' that was going on at day-care, my niece told my sister who told me and we dealt with it. Turned out to likely be innocent play, but the day care banned blanket forts, and my daughter and niece and (hopefully) the boy, got a good lesson about secrets and touch.

Yes, Lori is a nasty piece of work and I am lucky my father was maybe a little worse than Ken, so I could not ignore the cognitive dissonance necessary to keep drinking the Kool-aid.

Lori, Ken, please go fuck yourselves.