I am so much happier now that I accept what an ass I married

[Koala]

I'm such a perfect Christian I no longer want to be treated like a human being by the father of my children. I am sooo happy!'

Yep. "I love being treated like garbage, and so should you! :D" :angry-banghead:

[curlytoes79]

If I were Ken, I'd be afraid Looni was going to hack me to death in my sleep one day. Constantly pushing all your thoughts, desires, and feelings down and making yourself the total subservient of another human being is just asking for mental illness.

[longskirtlotsakids]

Not to mention this bizarre practice she has of "giving" Ken sex and "not withholding"... it makes me think of two things...1) Ken (or Lori) is really really bad at it 2) That scene in Sid and Nancy where Sid and Nancy are on the phone and Sid says "I miss your pussy!" and Nancy whines in her Bronx accent "Whaddya want me to do, put it in a box and send it ta ya?"

[Ms Jess]

One thing that I can say is that I'm so much happier since I divorced the abusive asshole I married. In fact, he was like Ken in that he considered too many requests to be "manipulation" as stopping by the store on his way home was too much of an inconvenience for him. Now, I'm with someone who wants an EQUAL partner, not a slave who isn't able to make requests more than once a month.

Yup. I divorced a manipulative, controlling, lying, cheating husband 7 years ago. By the time I left him, I was doing all the household chores, inside and out, paying all the bills, running all the errands and looking after our three young children alone. It was an exhausting endeavor, hoping that he might pitch in to help with something. And make any requests of my husband? Psshhht. Forget that.

People asked me if I was worried about being able to keep up with everything on my own after I moved out. My response was, "Hell no, I've already been doing it. Now it's a relief not to have the stress of worrying about his shitty attitude while I do it all."

[CrazyCatLady]

Lori's nightmare of a life to reminds me how lucky I am to be married to a non-asshole who lets me speak to him more than once per month. How is having NO expectations of her husband liberating to her exactly? My marriage is based on a lot of expectations. I EXPECT my husband to love me, be respectful of me, not cheat on me, etc. Having no expectations is setting yourself up for a life as a human doormat...but apparently that's what Lori's into :wtf:

[Stephanie66]

Yep, glad I divorced my ex, too. It was pretty much what Ms Jess described, with one less child plus he was unemployed and the kids were in daycare.

I remember about a month after I left him, I realized how much easier my life was as a single, working mom with two kids. Plus, he had to give me money every month and I didn't have to clean up after him. It rocked.

[uber frau]

I keep seeing this thread and thinking: "The first step is admitting you have a problem". Unfortunately, she'll never go beyond the first step.

[Hane]

Yep, glad I divorced my ex, too. It was pretty much what Ms Jess described, with one less child plus he was unemployed and the kids were in daycare.

I remember about a month after I left him, I realized how much easier my life was as a single, working mom with two kids. Plus, he had to give me money every month and I didn't have to clean up after him. It rocked.

Been there, rocked that! A fellow divorced mom and I couldn't help noticing that the family finances were in MUCH better shape after our divorces than before--and she had three kids and got NO child support. Nobody was running out and spending thousands of dollars on stereo speakers the day the mortgage was due.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Ok, I channeled my inner fundie, complete with New Testament references, and came up with this comment (under spoiler):

I agree with you that manipulation is a problem.

Many of your posts focus on submitting in body: following instructions of a husband, not arguing back, doing tasks around the home. To get at the heart of the issue, though, I feel that it is important reverence our husbands in our hearts, minds and souls.

Titus 2:4 says that we are to love our husbands, and to be discreet. Ephesians 5:33 says that we are to show that we reverence/respect our husbands. Our love and respect is to mirror that which is due to the Lord, and in Deuteronomy 6, we are commanded to love the Lord with all of our heart and soul and might.

So, I focus on honoring and respecting and loving my husband, and seeing the aspects of goodness and Godliness within him. To use your towel example, it is possible for a wife to be silently resentful even while doing a task like that, and that is not what the Bible instructs. Instead, I've approached that issue by saying, "my husband worked so hard today, running around to save lives and heal people with care and compassion. He agreed to see someone in the hospital who needed him at the last moment, so he didn't have a chance to freshen up earlier. He went directly from the hospital to pick up our son and coach his soccer team, despite the mud and sticky weather. He certainly needed a shower when he got home, and he was in a hurray because he was getting ready for our date night. When I look at what a hard-working, loving, caring and dedicated man he is, hanging up a towel for him is a very small matter."

At the same time, I am direct, while being discreet, if there is a serious issue that needs his attention. I may not complain daily about water on the bathroom floor, but if the ceiling leaks as a result, he needs to know about it now - not in a month. Similarly, since I know that he has a good and Godly heart, I know that he would be grieved if his behavior caused anyone pain. If during a more of extreme stress, he happens to do something without realizing how it bothered somebody else, I will pull him aside and gently but directly let him know, so that he has an opportunity to correct the problem.

My husband can trust me to do this, and he can also trust that if I do not say anything and agree with a course of action, that I am truly okay with whatever he is doing, and will not have any hate or resentment in my heart, or feel the need to pray for the Lord to change him.

I am concerned that some Christian women's blogs can appear to promote Titus 2 and Ephesians 5 values, but really serve as a vehicle to disrespect or manipulate a husband through passive-aggressive means. What impression would an outside person get of our husband from reading our blog? Do we sing his praises and stress his virtues, or talk only of how we submit to him despite his many failings? Do we mention his failings and our disappointments in public, while then saying that we learned to submit anyway and either suffer for the Lord or let the Lord change him? If so, we may be telling ourselves that we are servants of the Lord and just trying to spread the word about submission to other women, but in reality we may be disrespecting our husbands and subjecting them to public shaming. By doing so, we may be painting ourselves as a martyr in order to be prideful, or using a passive-aggressive technique to manipulate our husbands into changing.

[littlemommy]

That was beautiful! You are a wordsmith. :P

ETA: She posted your comment! And loved it!

[HoneyBunny]

Didja post it on Always Preaching? Didja? Didja? The thought of the monster just reading that (she'll never post it) makes my heart sooooo happy, I'm going to have a great day! Thanks!

[Koala]

Ok, I channeled my inner fundie, complete with New Testament references, and came up with this comment (under spoiler):

I agree with you that manipulation is a problem.

Many of your posts focus on submitting in body: following instructions of a husband, not arguing back, doing tasks around the home. To get at the heart of the issue, though, I feel that it is important reverence our husbands in our hearts, minds and souls.

Titus 2:4 says that we are to love our husbands, and to be discreet. Ephesians 5:33 says that we are to show that we reverence/respect our husbands. Our love and respect is to mirror that which is due to the Lord, and in Deuteronomy 6, we are commanded to love the Lord with all of our heart and soul and might.

So, I focus on honoring and respecting and loving my husband, and seeing the aspects of goodness and Godliness within him. To use your towel example, it is possible for a wife to be silently resentful even while doing a task like that, and that is not what the Bible instructs. Instead, I've approached that issue by saying, "my husband worked so hard today, running around to save lives and heal people with care and compassion. He agreed to see someone in the hospital who needed him at the last moment, so he didn't have a chance to freshen up earlier. He went directly from the hospital to pick up our son and coach his soccer team, despite the mud and sticky weather. He certainly needed a shower when he got home, and he was in a hurray because he was getting ready for our date night. When I look at what a hard-working, loving, caring and dedicated man he is, hanging up a towel for him is a very small matter."

At the same time, I am direct, while being discreet, if there is a serious issue that needs his attention. I may not complain daily about water on the bathroom floor, but if the ceiling leaks as a result, he needs to know about it now - not in a month. Similarly, since I know that he has a good and Godly heart, I know that he would be grieved if his behavior caused anyone pain. If during a more of extreme stress, he happens to do something without realizing how it bothered somebody else, I will pull him aside and gently but directly let him know, so that he has an opportunity to correct the problem.

My husband can trust me to do this, and he can also trust that if I do not say anything and agree with a course of action, that I am truly okay with whatever he is doing, and will not have any hate or resentment in my heart, or feel the need to pray for the Lord to change him.

I am concerned that some Christian women's blogs can appear to promote Titus 2 and Ephesians 5 values, but really serve as a vehicle to disrespect or manipulate a husband through passive-aggressive means. What impression would an outside person get of our husband from reading our blog? Do we sing his praises and stress his virtues, or talk only of how we submit to him despite his many failings? Do we mention his failings and our disappointments in public, while then saying that we learned to submit anyway and either suffer for the Lord or let the Lord change him? If so, we may be telling ourselves that we are servants of the Lord and just trying to spread the word about submission to other women, but in reality we may be disrespecting our husbands and subjecting them to public shaming. By doing so, we may be painting ourselves as a martyr in order to be prideful, or using a passive-aggressive technique to manipulate our husbands into changing.

I knew that had to be you! Awesome! :D

[wild little fox]

The thing about all this shit she spouts is women who are married to assholes like Ken (or worse) will use Lori's blog to "make their lives better." Not everyone is as strong as Lori. Some husbands are capable of killing their wives. She is continuing to endanger lives.

[dairyfreelife]

That was beautiful! You are a wordsmith. :P

ETA: She posted your comment! And loved it!

And as usual doesn't realize it's talking about her in a negative way since that's exactly what she's doing. Ken comes across as a seriously egotistical asshole and I only know that from the words she writes about him. Her clueless-ness continues to astound me.

[treehugger]

2xx1xy1JD, I bow before your mastery of fundy-speak :worship: :worship: :worship:

[guidedbybobafett]

Does he read her blog? Does this not affect him in any way? What a POS.

[Handmaiden of Dog]

I wonder what her stress levels are like. Does she have high blood pressure? Does she have stomach problems or neck problems? Does she grind her teeth at night? The life that she describes in her blogs sounds so tense and so filled with aggravation that it comes across as a manual on how to shorten your life span.

Her basic message is "Stop trying to free yourself and learn to be a good slave-- you will be so much happier."

[Dysfundamental]

That Lori response makes me feel like I stumbled into a "how to interact with your Dom" discussion.

Except Lori has no safeword.

[kpmom]

I wonder what her stress levels are like. Does she have high blood pressure? Does she have stomach problems or neck problems? Does she grind her teeth at night? The life that she describes in her blogs sounds so tense and so filled with aggravation that it comes across as a manual on how to shorten your life span.

Her basic message is "Stop trying to free yourself and learn to be a good slave-- you will be so much happier."

She talks about being in pain pretty much for the last quarter of a century. Surprisingly, about as long as she's been married. :think:

[keeks21]

My mum divorced her husband who treated her like this. Now she's happily married to my stepdad in an equal partnership and their home is conflict free.

[niagarahauls]

That Lori response makes me feel like I stumbled into a "how to interact with your Dom" discussion.

It must be exhausting for Lori to always have to be topping from the bottom in her relationship

[Koala]

Very clear. Even if it gets physical, stay:

Came here today looking for answers! Your testimony of how you and Ken live day to day is very informative. Me and my husband had a fight today. It was just bad (I pinched him and he pushed me). Everything you said would be great if we just argued, but we have on occasion gotten physical. My two daughters were in the car, we were going to a movie night at church. I have felt neglected lately and he wanted to go to his friends' which earlier in the week i said that was fine but for some reason now i wanted him with us and couldn't communicate that. We were arguing a bit about that. thats why i pinched him, he was blocking my door and as always instead of discussing things after girls are in bed, he WANTS to have a discussion right then and there. I refused (to try to wait til we calmed down) and he got louder and i asked him to move and he wouldn't so i pinched him. I think hormones played into my not submitting. He pushed me. As far as i know they didn't see anything. I am just sad and at my wits end. I submit and follow this blog. I pray. I think about leaving him. But I just don't know the right thing to do. I have just made a terrible mess of my girls' lives. I see no future for me and my husband other than a long life of me living in fear of not saying the right thing or submitting every time. His anger has gotten better since i have submitted. I can mess up a little more. He just has next to no patience for me or anyone. Im just over all of this.

Its hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I grew up thinking women ruled the roost and the world. I feel embarrassed and weak when i submit. I wish the shame would go away. I know it works and its what God desires for me. But I can't accept His desire for my kids to see this arguing. Why did it happen? Will it ever stop and I can remain married? Or do I move on? We have gotten better but its still a roller coaster, just fewer hills which is good...i guess.

Sorry. I am very upset and confused.

Lori's response:

The greatest gift you can give your girls is to stay married to their father. Yes, you can learn not to argue. It may take time but practice makes perfect. Submission doesn't come easily either, especially if you were never modeled or taught it. Don't even think about divorce. It is not an option. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. Allow God to love your husband through you, instead of trying to love him with your imperfect love. Pray for him daily. This is a spiritual battle and satan would love to destroy your marriage. Don't let him. Fight for your marriage. Seek the Lord. Be in His Word daily. Get your strength from Him. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Never give up. God will get you through and when you are still married in your old age, you will be so happy you fought for your marriage and God will be glorified.

Situations like this have a horrible tendency to escalate and people get hurt...yet Lori tells her not to even consider leaving before it gets worse.

[Ms Jess]

That is horrible. This woman has no business whatsoever giving out marital advice. WTF.

[dairyfreelife]

I don't get that at all. Seriously, their behavior is similar to what I have seen among preschool and primary school age children, not grown adults. Pinching and pushing each other is what children do in a fight because they struggle to control their emotions. Adults don't have the same excuse and there isn't a reason to not know that behavior is not acceptable. They are committing assault to one another and even worse, they have children of their own. And abuse is cyclic, which means it's very likely their daughters will end up marrying abusers also and there's a high chance that one of them could end up dead and that's very concerning for me and I don't know these people at all. A violent home life leads to higher risk of drug and alcohol abuse, children being bullies to other children, high stress on children, higher risk of mental illness and suicide, and higher risk of criminal activity and prison time. There's a much higher chance of the children turning out well in a non-abusive single parent home than in an abusive two-parent home. There are statistics to back all that up if Lori and her ilk want them, but I don't think they'd bother to listen to any of them cause government is ebil and they are all wrong and Lori and company all know better than anyone else, duh.

[lizziesmom]

There is absolutely no reasoning with anyone whose core belief is that the man is in charge and the woman must do everything to make him happy. If he hits her, obviously it's her fault.