Adoption is War

[slickcat79]

Liberia was cheap, there was no oversight, there was no family size limits, and there was an escort service so you didn't have to travel. AND, since the only legitimate agency working in Liberia was PLAN (which is now closed) there were NO social workers with the wisdom to stop the insanity of families adopting large groups of non-related children.

It is one thing, and still a challenge, to adopt 3-6 children because they are siblings you want to keep together. It's insanity and unethical adoption practices to adopt 3-6 unrelated children because you simply choose the cutest kids in a line up.

I imagine my son's adopters did what most of them did. For awhile, there were open conversations on the Africa adoption lists on how to LIE to homestudy social workers. Unfortunately, all that we accomplished by objecting to their behavior was to send them into private lists where those of us sane weren't welcome.

Nancy Campbell sent out a call for her followers to adopt from Liberia and BOY did they. It was disgusting and embarrassing.

If you are really interested in the Liberian adoptions, keep your eyes out for an article and book coming out by Kathyrn Joyce. She traced the phenonmenon on both sides of the ocean.

Do you know what the book is called or when it might be out, CL? I just read Quiverfull this year and would be interested in reading her take on this subject also.

[chaotic life]

I don't specifically. I just know *soon.* I think the book will be released next year, but I am not positive.

[SoybeanQueen]

It boggles the mind that no one, not the home study social worker or adoption agency noticed how much these parents were shitty candidates for adoption.

Was there a reason why fundies love prefer Liberian adoption?

First, I'd bet dollars to donuts these families are using "Christian" agencies that align perfectly with their beliefs. Why would the agency or the homestudy worker hired by that agency see anything wrong with a loving Christian family "rescuing" the "orphans" from a non-Christian country? There are also a million different ways to deflect the blame when the parents are unprepared for the problems that come along with older child adoption. The agency didn't prepare us well enough! The home country lied on the paperwork! The child was better suited for another family! Of course they get a second chance to adopt when none of the problems they faced were due to their own inadequacies. :roll:

I'm not kidding when I say that some of them prefer adoption from Liberia, China, etc because it makes the adoption heroics obvious. They also get to brag on how they rescued the child from such a horrible country. If they're older kids or have even a minor, correctable medical need, the adoptive parents receive even more congrats for special needs adoption.

I am in no way saying that all international adoptions are this way. The above opinions are based on my observations as someone involved in the adoption community. I do also see families who are wonderful to their kids and don't seek pats on the back for adopting them. As always, it's the annoying or downright offensive ones that stand out, just like in any group.

[SoybeanQueen]

I was talking to a friend who told me of the foster-to-adopt he and his family did in California. Home study done, then they were required to take parenting classes.

We had to take classes, and the instructor did show up. The classes were quite good, I thought. We also had a suggested reading list of books that I found to be really helpful. This was through the state, though. I know someone who adopted through a private Christian agency, and let's just say their resource list looked a bit different. Lots more "all they need is love and a firm, faith-filled hand" on their list, and more therapy-based info on ours.

As for the homestudy, I will be completely honest - we could have been hiding bodies in our basement and the homestudy worker never would have known. She barely looked at our house beyond the front room. She did check references, but didn't really delve into any difficult topics with us as though she wanted to get a complete picture of the dynamics in our home. It definitely seemed like she was just checking off boxes. This social worker was recommended to me as one that many international adoption families with Christian agencies loved. I don't recommend her to anyone if asked because I don't think she would have noticed if we were completely crazy or secret hoarders with just one clean room or had a meth lab in our bedroom.

[dianapavelovna]

I don't specifically. I just know *soon.* I think the book will be released next year, but I am not positive.

The book is called The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption. Pub date is May 5 of next year. Should be a good one!

http://www.publicaffairsbooks.com/publi ... 7&cover=hc

[wendy-sparkles]

The Baker's Dozen situation seems super dodgy. The first red flag is that they changed their teenagers names (from slightly unusual, but very english and pronounceable names). The kid they re-homed with another Xian family ended up being kicked out and homeless iirc. She had at least one or two posts gushing about Nancy Thomas in regards to one of her younger FAS kids. I'll bet anything that those kids being in Job corps has a lot more to do with a poor adoptive situation than with providing opportunities.

[chaotic life]

I believe in adoption. I believe in the inherent need for children to have parents who will take on the world for them and love them unconditionally. I really do. I believe when adoption is about the needs of CHILDREN and the adults are ADULTS in the situation, that adoption becomes something of beauty. I believe that miracles happen and lives are changed (and I am mostly talking about the family who steps out to advocate and love children, not just the children).

I also sadly know that adoption can easily become an ugly monster of trafficked children and false Christian morals. It has been my LONG observation that the fastest way to pervert adoption is to place the concept of Christianity into the arena with adoption.

Case in point, in that odious film, Baell Phillips is praising her adoption. It may sound beautiful to her, but it's not nearly as poetic if you consider exactly what she is praising! Her parents picked her up directly from the unwed mother's home. That means she was a bona fide baby scoop era adoption. MOST of society has the decency to be ashamed of that history in adoption.

[dawn9476]

Considering that Texas is shutting down their woman's health clinics and basically replacing them with more crisis pregnancy centers that push adoption or keeping the child, this will probably become a bigger problem down there.

[Emme]

The Baker's Dozen situation seems super dodgy. The first red flag is that they changed their teenagers names (from slightly unusual, but very english and pronounceable names). The kid they re-homed with another Xian family ended up being kicked out and homeless iirc. She had at least one or two posts gushing about Nancy Thomas in regards to one of her younger FAS kids. I'll bet anything that those kids being in Job corps has a lot more to do with a poor adoptive situation than with providing opportunities.

Wait, I didn't know the kid ended up homeless.

Found it on her blog. WTF. Sometimes I don't understand fundies. THIS KID NEEDS HELP. WTF. seriously, wtf. I don't understand why these people don't put kids who have experienced trauma into therapy...

I wonder if these kids are happy that they got adopted...

[BlackHawk]

Wait, I didn't know the kid ended up homeless.

Found it on her blog. WTF. Sometimes I don't understand fundies. THIS KID NEEDS HELP. WTF. seriously, wtf. I don't understand why these people don't put kids who have experienced trauma into therapy...

I wonder if these kids are happy that they got adopted...

Do you care to point me to the post where she says the kid is homeless? I tried searching her blog and can't seem to find it.

NVM.. I was searching the wrong blog. I found it and agree it is a sad situation, but he is in Job corps as far as I can tell and he is no longer homeless from that at least. It is a sad situation.

[chaotic life]

I am perusing Joyce's articles on adoption now, and reaborbing information on the current state of adoptions and I am actually shocked to see how far things have come.

When we had ethical concerns about our first adoption, we moved strictly to medical needs adoptions NOT because we wanted accolades but because we felt there was a higher likelihood adoption was occurring for the best interest of the child instead of a commodity being traded. Our next two adoptions were VERY ethical, even though one of them was international. We eschewed anything with the name Christian attached to it. We walked away from any hint of a market or a commodity. Then, we stepped out of the adoption world to raise our family.

I'm deeply saddened to see what has happened. When Steven Curtis Chapman started Shossahanna's Hope, I knew he had a valid message. I never envisioned the MESS that could come from it. I guess I should have.

Adoption was NEVER supposed to be about evangelism. You are sure as fire going to pervert what adoption IS if you bring evangelism into the equation. For me, adoption was always about living out *my* faith by walking in the footsteps a loving and compassionate God would take. It has NEVER been about what religion my children embrace. Three of my children were not born Christian and I have never CARED if they end up Christian either! I care that they know they are loved and they are precious to me! I do not want them to be grateful for the choices I have made. I want them to understand I know this was done *to* them and they have no more obligation to be grateful than those I birthed, something also done *to* kids. They can love me or they can hate me (do treat me politely in my own home if you expect more than your basic needs to be met....though my defintion of basic needs FAR exceeds most of these people's concepts in the first place). I CRIED when my son stopped putting Bindis on his forehead. My only Indian friends were Orthodox or Coptic and I had no one I could provide to keep that culture alive for my son. I CRIED when they lost their accents and so many of their memories of their homelands. I was horrified when my newest son came home and did not know his own TRIBE (something I corrected that first day by finding audio of tribal languages and playing them until he recognized his mother tongue). We talk all the time that we are saving funds to take the boys back and see their homelands when they become adults. We've talked about their possible choices to go back and how they would hold onto their citizenship and us if they choose to do so.

I cannot FATHOM how it got so ugly in the last decade. When I saw the nightmare in Liberia, I thought and hoped it was an aberration. Sadly, in sitting up and looking around again, I fear it is spreading not dying out.

If you adopt these kids with this missionary attitude and this expectation that they should be evangelized and grateful, it is WORSE than if you had just left them alone!!!!! It just makes me sad to see this, this trend is thousands of children who will be hurt and not be given something better!

TRUE religion is loving children unconditionally, even if they grow up to NOT be Christians and no matter what challenges they bring to the table.

[ILoveJellybeans]

So true, adoption isnt about "saving them" by turning them Christian. Its about providing a home and loving family for a child who has no family. Its especially bad if they adopt older kids and force them to follow their religion, even though that kid already has their own religious ideas and beliefs. I think when you adopt a kid, you should consider their own background and past-let them hold on to the religious beliefs they already have, even if theyre not your own, if you adopted from another country, learn about their culture and teach them about it, make sure you have dolls and books with children that look like them and let them know that all races are important and that theyre beautiful and part of your family even if they dont look like you.

Chaotic Life, you are a great mom for allowing your children to keep their culture alive and not trying to remove all trace of it like some of these fundies do.

[Jajajajulie]

I've been lurking here for about a year, and checking the Duggar posts each week because they both amuse and scare me at the same time. This thread prompted me to finally register, and even then I had to take a few days to calm down before I responded to it.

I am sickened --not surprised, but sickened -- by the video. I am the mom of 2 kids: a son through international adoption, and a surprise bio daughter who arrived shortly after. Anyone who is in this to "save" or "collect" is taking a dangerous approach. Did we "save" DS? Honestly? We probably did in a way, but it pisses me off when anyone says or implies it, or says or implies he's "lucky." I always make sure I respond, "No, we're lucky that we get to be his parents. We can't imagine our lives without him." On average, children in Russian orphanages who are not adopted only live to be in their 30's and most of them end up in a life of crime (the mafia, prostitution, etc.). Would I ever tell my son that or tell him we saved him? Hells no! Taking the view that you saved a child and living that view sets up a rescuer/rescuee dynamic that is unhealthy -- especially in a parent/child relationship. As someone else here mentioned, there is loss in adoption, and you're doing a disservice to the child if you don't recognize that. The only "luck" involved was luck for us -- we selfishly wanted a child and were lucky DS was available. Our luck was his loss and his birthparents' loss. Only a fool would fail to recognize that.

There are many reasons adoptions fail, but I think the main reason is people don't know what they're getting into. They think they're going to adopt this child in need, the child is going to instantly bond with them and be thankful to his new parents for rescuing him, and it's going to be hugs and warm-fuzzies all around. Daddy Warbucks and Little Orphan Annie hold hands and sing and tap dance into their rainbow-colored future. That's not reality! People need to research adoption before they decide to adopt. I read so many books, talked to anyone I could, attended seminars, watched documentaries. I knew more about adoption than the idiots doing the mandatory state seminar I was required to take, and brought up (to the horror of many parents there) all the things they didn't bring up -- the loss the child was likely to feel for the birth parent, RAD, FAS/D, bonding time, etc. There's no sense glossing over reality. Adoption also fails because potential parents aren't realistic about what they can handle, and somehow think it's "wrong" to turn down a child with disabilities or a child of a different race, or an older child. No, it's not wrong. Everyone has a limit. If you don't think you can handle a certain disability, don't take a kid on with it. If you don't think you can honor and recognize a child's race or birth-country, don't adopt that kid. If you're comfortable with a baby, don't take the 5 year-old they're pushing on you. If you really think you can handle only one child, don't waiver when they offer you a sibling group of 4. You are doing a disservice to the child and yourself if you feel unequipped to handle certain issues and take them on anyway because you feel you "should" or that people will judge you if you don't.

What really, really fries my ass and turned me off from Christianity (not that I was religious to begin with) was encountering people just like in this video. There is nothing more degrading than having your body fail you (we had unexplained infertility) and then being denied by agency after agency because you're not Christian. First your body tells you you're not worthy to be a parent, and then society. How can they call themselves Christian? Is it Christian to drive a woman into depression? Is it Christian to keep a child in an orphanage longer than necessary when there is a loving family waiting to adopt him? Our friends (Wiccan) encountered the same thing, only I think it was worse for them. This crap-ass, superior belief that a child is better off in an orphanage than they are in a loving, non-Christian home disgusts me. Who the hell are they to say I can't have a child????? The one secular agency we found locally that worked with Russia had a bad reputation, and I didn't like their answers to the questions I asked. We ultimately did adopt through a "Christian" agency, but one that didn't care whether or not we were Christian, and didn't push their views.

And you know what? Adoption hasn't been all sunshine and roses for us. He's secure in his adoption, but he has some issues, and as parents who researched adoption, we knew realistically he probably would. The difference between me and most people who adopt is I knew what to look for and got him into various therapies as soon as he started showing signs of sensory issues and speech delays. Now that he's 9 and we finally have a proper diagnosis, things have been good, but it took nearly 9 years of frustration to get there.

Religion won't fix a child who is broken, but the expectations religion puts on a child and the way religion masks and glosses over problems (generally putting the blame ON the child) WILL hurt an already fragile child, possibly irrevocably. Oh, and fundies, it also doesn't do a child any good to refer to him/her as your "adopted child" and your other children as your "real children." That is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine, and isn't something just fundies do. I've encountered many well-meaning people who do this, and I correct them through gritted teeth every time. Both my kids are my "real" children. My son was adopted. That's an action we took to bring him into our family, not an adjective describing who he is as a person. I don't say, "This is my smart, beautiful, kind-hearted daughter and my adopted son." That's not how I look at him. He's funny and smart with a wild imagination and a sunny outlook on life. He laughs like Snoopy and believes in Big Foot and ancient alien theory. He's a picky eater when it comes to food, but devours books. That's who he is. That's my son. It's a pity that more fundies adopting with the purpose of "saving a child for Christ" can't look past that to see the amazing gifts their new child brings to their family.

[Wickedwickedwitch]

I just traveled to adopt with a bunch of these nutbags. I tried hiding out and laying low. I could write a book on all the crap I saw and was heard from others. There was a serious message from many of 'saving the pagan baby,' Jesus wanting you to take your baby from the East and being them to the West. I think that white-washing was the best description. We saw families forming prayer circles in the airport before boarding the airplane to the Communist country they were going to rescue their baby from. They stripped their kids of identity from the second they got them- refusing to call their children by their name and only using their new-better-American names, a few who mysteriously could not pronounce the province their kid was from because it was unimportant, so much more. My friend reported a mom feeding her new kid Ex-Lax to "get the China out of her " I don't know how social workers have these people positive home studies. I will add that many of these families could not afford this adoption and fundraiser up the yin-yang for it with demanding emails inferring that it was our responsibility to pay for their adoption.

[MarthaMarcyMayMarlen]

This is so sad. I don't get how those freaks passed any sort of investigation into their lives.

[kb2]

I just traveled to adopt with a bunch of these nutbags. I tried hiding out and laying low. I could write a book on all the crap I saw and was heard from others. There was a serious message from many of 'saving the pagan baby,' Jesus wanting you to take your baby from the East and being them to the West. I think that white-washing was the best description. We saw families forming prayer circles in the airport before boarding the airplane to the Communist country they were going to rescue their baby from. They stripped their kids of identity from the second they got them- refusing to call their children by their name and only using their new-better-American names, a few who mysteriously could not pronounce the province their kid was from because it was unimportant, so much more. My friend reported a mom feeding her new kid Ex-Lax to "get the China out of her " I don't know how social workers have these people positive home studies. I will add that many of these families could not afford this adoption and fundraiser up the yin-yang for it with demanding emails inferring that it was our responsibility to pay for their adoption.

:shock: I once heard a story in which someone dipped a kid's infected finger in a pot of boiling water because they thought it might help get rid of the infection (it just caused burns). This has about the same level of common sense, but with racism attached!

[Emme]

I am perusing Joyce's articles on adoption now, and reaborbing information on the current state of adoptions and I am actually shocked to see how far things have come.

When we had ethical concerns about our first adoption, we moved strictly to medical needs adoptions NOT because we wanted accolades but because we felt there was a higher likelihood adoption was occurring for the best interest of the child instead of a commodity being traded. Our next two adoptions were VERY ethical, even though one of them was international. We eschewed anything with the name Christian attached to it. We walked away from any hint of a market or a commodity. Then, we stepped out of the adoption world to raise our family.

I'm deeply saddened to see what has happened. When Steven Curtis Chapman started Shossahanna's Hope, I knew he had a valid message. I never envisioned the MESS that could come from it. I guess I should have.

Adoption was NEVER supposed to be about evangelism. You are sure as fire going to pervert what adoption IS if you bring evangelism into the equation. For me, adoption was always about living out *my* faith by walking in the footsteps a loving and compassionate God would take. It has NEVER been about what religion my children embrace. Three of my children were not born Christian and I have never CARED if they end up Christian either! I care that they know they are loved and they are precious to me! I do not want them to be grateful for the choices I have made. I want them to understand I know this was done *to* them and they have no more obligation to be grateful than those I birthed, something also done *to* kids. They can love me or they can hate me (do treat me politely in my own home if you expect more than your basic needs to be met....though my defintion of basic needs FAR exceeds most of these people's concepts in the first place). I CRIED when my son stopped putting Bindis on his forehead. My only Indian friends were Orthodox or Coptic and I had no one I could provide to keep that culture alive for my son. I CRIED when they lost their accents and so many of their memories of their homelands. I was horrified when my newest son came home and did not know his own TRIBE (something I corrected that first day by finding audio of tribal languages and playing them until he recognized his mother tongue). We talk all the time that we are saving funds to take the boys back and see their homelands when they become adults. We've talked about their possible choices to go back and how they would hold onto their citizenship and us if they choose to do so.

I cannot FATHOM how it got so ugly in the last decade. When I saw the nightmare in Liberia, I thought and hoped it was an aberration. Sadly, in sitting up and looking around again, I fear it is spreading not dying out.

If you adopt these kids with this missionary attitude and this expectation that they should be evangelized and grateful, it is WORSE than if you had just left them alone!!!!! It just makes me sad to see this, this trend is thousands of children who will be hurt and not be given something better!

TRUE religion is loving children unconditionally, even if they grow up to NOT be Christians and no matter what challenges they bring to the table.

Do you blog? Because I think the adoption universe needs more people like YOU out there.

[chaotic life]

I do blog but it's tiny, not advertised and strictly annonymous.

Funny this thread showed back up though. I can take my muzzle OFF now! I just got permenant custody papers signed by a judge, sealed and delivered.

The adopters parental rights were terminated by their finally agreeing to sign the adoption consent forms SIX WEEKS after we filed in court against them. The permenant custody order now makes it all formal.

We still have to finalize an adoption. Normally, I would find pushing an adoption on a teen versus just taking the permenant custody absolutely odious. However, these adopters never re-adopt him in the US and thus if WE don't adopt him, he fails to get his US citizenship.

Here *we* are in a mad dash to make certain we obtain ALL of the necessary paperwork to PROVE our oldest son's adoption before he hits 18, even though his citizenship was conferred exactly six months after his homecoming in a court of law AND we already have a state issued birth certificate and notified Immigration and SSA years ago. Yet, I went to register new son for school this spring and told female adopter repeatedly that I needed a birth certificate for him before she sent me a xerox copy of his Liberian birth certificate. I pushed again for his state issued birth certificate and finally on a hunch asked DID they re-adopt him and award his US citizenship to him. Her response was "not yet." These adopters KNEW he didn't have citizenship and never bothered to give it to him! Our attorney isn't even sure the Liberian adoption paperwork is legit. She's handled two of these Liberian messes before and his adoption paperwork looks NOTHING like those, nor what her research says it should look like.

[meda]

I don't get this, did the original adopter just not care? Did they plan on shipping the kid back to Liberia when he was 18 and not a show child anymore? Just expect him to live undocumented? What are these people thinking?

[chaotic life]

I don't get it either. Outside of these Liberian adoptions, I have never known adoptive parents to NOT take care of their kid's citizenship status except where they did not KNOW what they needed to do. It's far too common with the Liberian adoptions to do exactly this AND some of them have indeed shipped kids back to Liberia. My son's adopters were threatening to ship him back to Liberia.

It's SO common in these Liberian adoptions that our attorney told us we will pay her to finalize the adoption and she will handle the citizenship mess without billing her hours. Both of the other two cases she handled had the same citizenship issue. These adopters KNEW what they were doing. They just didn't care!