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Adoption is War


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Yikes. I know some Christians who have adopted as part of their faith journey. At least one couple is LGBT. This is just one more variation on the "adopt a heathen to save their soul" that leads to abused and dead children.

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I may vomit. Are you telling me that God would be mad that children have loving parents who adore them and are gay? Are you FUCKING kidding me?

Please tell me I'm misunderstanding this?

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I wasn't quite sure how the part about children born to unmarried parents at the beginning of the trailer was related to adoption. Do they propose taking those children away to be raised by conservative Christian couples too?

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I wasn't quite sure how the part about children born to unmarried parents at the beginning of the trailer was related to adoption. Do they propose taking those children away to be raised by conservative Christian couples too?

Basically, yes. If you're horrible enough to get pregnant while unmarried, you darn well better put that baby up for adoption by a "real" family, instead of keeping it and flaunting your sin at everyone.

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Basically, yes. If you're horrible enough to get pregnant while unmarried, you darn well better put that baby up for adoption by a "real" family, instead of keeping it and flaunting your sin at everyone.

But how would this work? Should the big, ebil government practice redistribution of "resources"? Isn't that also against their worldview?

Or do they just plan on kidnapping the babies?

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Basically, yes. If you're horrible enough to get pregnant while unmarried, you darn well better put that baby up for adoption by a "real" family, instead of keeping it and flaunting your sin at everyone.

Oooo, I can't wait to read Bristol Palin's review of this movie.

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I may vomit. Are you telling me that God would be mad that children have loving parents who adore them and are gay? Are you FUCKING kidding me?

Please tell me I'm misunderstanding this?

No you are not misunderstanding it. At all. This is part of a growing Evangelical "Ministry" to adopt little heathens - be they bastard, orphan, or even (gasp) not white - for Jesus' Army. And to stop those ebil gays getting ahold of them. It is war, people!

The bit in the movie trailer where the woman says she'd like to *collect* all those orphans made me gag. Literally.

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But how would this work? Should the big, ebil government practice redistribution of "resources"? Isn't that also against their worldview?

Or do they just plan on kidnapping the babies?

They want to use extreme social pressure. Shunning of single moms, societal shaming, lack of support, etc.

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Do they ever stop and think about the CHILD?! I wonder what the kids think about when they realize they were adopted so teh geys wouldn't get them? What a horrible reason to adopt!

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Yikes. I know some Christians who have adopted as part of their faith journey. At least one couple is LGBT. This is just one more variation on the "adopt a heathen to save their soul" that leads to abused and dead children.

I hate this. How perfectly shitty -- to take on a child to prove your own personal beliefs. I'm with CrazySister; no child should be adopted to prove a point, whether that's how wonderfully Godly you are or to keep them out of the hands of the gheys. That's fucked up.

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I hate this. How perfectly shitty -- to take on a child to prove your own personal beliefs. I'm with CrazySister; no child should be adopted to prove a point, whether that's how wonderfully Godly you are or to keep them out of the hands of the gheys. That's fucked up.

Ugh, sorry, you're right. That was badly phrased. The couples I'm thinking of, both adopted rather than doing surrogates/artificial insemination (the LGBT couple) or fertility treatments and that decision was based on their religious beliefs.

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Oooo, I can't wait to read Bristol Palin's review of this movie.

But her unplanned pregnancy is more moral than yours. Didn't you know that?! Tripp isn't a sin, he's a blessing. Every other teen mother is a whore and what the hell are they thinking flaunting their little flings everywhere???

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I resent it all. The title "Rescue" is bullshit. I'm not an adoptive parent but was adopted, I resent being told I was "saved" and "rescued". I believe when you open you heart to another child, biological or otherwise they should never be made out a charity case that you, almighty christian saved. And, who's to say the adopted kids are always better off? I understand orphanages, poor countries and foster care and I def think a loving home is the better alternative but in reality a loving home is not what all adopted kids go to religious or not.

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I resent it all. The title "Rescue" is bullshit. I'm not an adoptive parent but was adopted, I resent being told I was "saved" and "rescued". I believe when you open you heart to another child, biological or otherwise they should never be made out a charity case that you, almighty christian saved. And, who's to say the adopted kids are always better off? I understand orphanages, poor countries and foster care and I def think a loving home is the better alternative but in reality a loving home is not what all adopted kids go to religious or not.

I agree. A child is your CHILD not your ticket to hold up to show that you're a good christian. Also, adoption is born from loss. To say that someone is "saved" or "so lucky" just irks me to no end. I actually know someone whose child says "really? so I'm lucky that my birth parents died and I had to wait in an orphanage to be adopted?"

and yes, unfortunately not all adoptive parents or bio parents create loving homes. :-(

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Kids can sniff out bullshit like anyone. I wish I could say, "Don't bother adopting, earnest Christians. THe kids are going to know that you only value their souls and not their selves. THey will not grow up to be Xtians like yourself- they may very well turn out atheists like me."

I was raised with my soul, and not my self, in mind. It made me hate religion and any idea of a god. Now, if there was some actual care for ME, perhaps I would not be raising 4 little heathens and listening to the Atheist Experience every week (highly recommend, by the way)

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In adoption circles, we call them missionary adopters. I despise the actions of missionary adopters.

My newest son was told by his first adoptive family that they saved him from certain death. They did NOT. He was a normal orphan in a typical orphanage whose birthmother came to see him WEEKLY until he came to the US. They created a Stockholm Syndrome where he would rather hate himself than get angry over the physical and emotional abuse he endured at their hands. And, as a parting shot to try and prevent him from being able to recover after they threw him away, the female adopter (because I will NOT call someone who forces a child to endure the emotional incest she put him through mother) told him NOT that the male adopter and the state had finally made certain that they could not interfer with his placement again but that I STOLE HIM FROM HIS LOVING MOTHER.

Which would explain why he'll be in weekly therapy for the forseeable future now.

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chaotic life, that sounds awful. I'm curious, how did you get your son from the SS couple? Did they unadopt him, or was he taken away because of abuse? I've just never heard of a kid being adopted from adoptive parents.

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I have been reading The Lost Daughters of China by Karin Evans who has two adopted daughters from China. She talks about how bad it is for adoptive parents to tell the child that they are lucky that they were "rescued" and goes on to emphasize that all adoption involves loss of some kind especially by the birth mother or birth parents.

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Originally, they dumped him on us. It was supposed to be for a year to get him therapy and reunite the family. That was if what they had SAID had a lick of truth to it.

They pulled him out because he was thriving. When they jerked him around and then told someone they were bringing him back home so no one would call the state on them, NOT because they would stop abusing him or cared a whit about his needs, I got the state involved.

The state offered to NOT get involved and take all of the kids in the house IF they agreed to make a permenant placement out of their home. The same case worker then told him that at 15 they could only do a permenant placement if HE consented. He then informed everyone that we were the ONLY permenant placement he would give consent to. So, he came home by his own choice.

To adopt a child from an adoptive parent legally functions the identical way as adopting from a birthparent. In our case, it involved taking them to court and get the judge to invoke emergency custody and set a court date to determine permenant custody. For reasons that I don't quite understand, they then offered to sign relinquishments for us to adopt him. They wanted us to drop the lawsuit but we said only if they stipulated to the same permenant custody we were seeking from the judge.

I can only talk now because yesterday MINE was the last required signature to go on the permenant custody order and it was taken to the judge. Sometime next week, we'll have his final approval and it will be over forever. All that is left is to finalize his adoption and fix his citizenship they deliberately screwed up. We were prepared to make a claim for abandonment to force termination of their defacto parental rights. Since they intentionally never finalized the adoption in the US even their claims of parental rights are questionable.

So basically, you do it by having two POS idiots dump their kid on you because they mistook him for the trash, then you take money you didn't actually have set aside to hire an attorney and legally force the idiots to do the right thing for the child. Either they freak out over having the law involved and do the right thing for once in their lives, or you let a judge see reason and protect the kid for them.

In exchange, you gain a hurting and surly teen who eats like there's no tomorrow because they were starving him and you give him your hearts, souls and financial power to help arm him with any chance to heal. You see the beauty underneath the pain and pray everyday he will attain healing before you run out of time to show him what real love is. But, you do it because you believe children are worth it.

Wasn't what I went looking for but I wasn't ABOUT to be another in a long line of adults that failed a kid. He totally has the heart and strength to heal but he will HAVE to sever the sick bond with her if he's ever going to fully get there. He's a wonderful child. I get angry everyone I see what damage his supposed forever family did to him and his story is SOOO stereotypical for missionary adopters (he's the third this family mistook for trash and threw away and we hope they are blocked from EVER adopting again).

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No you are not misunderstanding it. At all. This is part of a growing Evangelical "Ministry" to adopt little heathens - be they bastard, orphan, or even (gasp) not white - for Jesus' Army. And to stop those ebil gays getting ahold of them. It is war, people!

The bit in the movie trailer where the woman says she'd like to *collect* all those orphans made me gag. Literally.

That's fucking creepy. Children are not pokemon.

In the trailer, I kept wondering about the one little boy. They showed a bunch of kids going about their daily activities. But a couple times they showed one african american boy, maybe about 6-7 (I'm not great at guessing kids' ages though) sitting with an older white man - presumably the adoptive father. Something about that boy struck me; I thought he seemed very uncomfortable as the man talked about children needing the gospel. Made me wonder whether the boy is just uncomfortable with a camera in his face, or uncomfortable with the constant religious expectations in his home.

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WTF???

I just went to the sight and watched the trailer. I am SERIOUSLY about to vomit now.

I am a Christian. I am passionate about adoption. I stepped into the arena of adoption because of my faith. I knew that I was equipped with the skills to love hurting children and provide them with a chance to heal and reclaim their lives. I did NOT rescue them. That word is just so shockingly offensive! I have never, ever, ever, EVER told or implied that any of my boys were rescued by the act of adoption. They were not rescued (well, Micah was but his life was different as we knew from the start that he would also die).

I have never once asked any of my boys to be grateful for my choice to adopt them. I abhor that whole mentality.

Those people actually used words like rescue, collect, save for Christ.

Bullshit. Children need families. I'm all for Christians believing adoption is part of ministering to the widows and the orphans IF it is all about what is in the best interest of the children. Adoption is about children, which is why I am 1000% supportive of LBGT adoptions. Hell, I'm equally supportive of single parent adoptions. Children need families who love and cherish them, whether that family is straight, gay or PURPLE.

Ick, ick. I feel the need to shower just being associated with that disgusting drivel. And WHO violates their child's privacy and puts their child's face out there with their full adoption story?? That history belongs to the child, not you!

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What a crock of shit!

http://rescuedthemovie.com/the-sanfords ... n-journey/ The Sanfords have their "story" on there. As dangerous as the Pearl's are, I don't know why anyone isn't paying attention to Bob and Katherine Stanford. Fundie Adoption Agencies have them as speakers at their events. Bob is an "elder" in James and Stacy's church, and what they teach is downright SCARY.

I am posting from their blog on here because we all know how it goes down. They will scrub it clean if they get wind of someone actually holding their feet to the fire. Why CPS hasn't taken their children away and why ANYONE let's these assholes adopt is beyond me. Katherine has bragged about beating her under 3 year old daughter so hard that she had marks due to her sin nature. I am going to highlight the SCARY stuff (keep in mind this is written by one of their adopted daughters and the whole thing makes me shake with rage that she was treated in such a way that she can write this crap and think it is normal and good).

What Was She Thinking?

(Editors note: These are the thoughts and opinions of our daughter regarding a well-known adoption book. The title and author have been removed as truly the book itself is not the point of sharing this discourse. It is our desire for other adoptive parents to have a glimpse into the heart and mind of a RAD child who has been raised in a Christian family for 13 years and is loved by her parents though she does not love them back. What we hope you discover is, though she will not embrace our God, she has embraced many principles we teach. And though we admit she has an angry tone to her discourse, it is the first time we were able to see her true heart regarding her position on adoption.)

A few days ago I was sitting in the living room, bored and unsure of what to do next. I happened to glance at the bookshelf full of adoption books, collected over the years of my parents adoption career. An idea hit. I thought it might be interesting to read one and find out what people thought of, and taught about adoption. Being a fifteen year old adoptee, I've been through the process and have culminated many ideas of my own. I shared the idea with my mom and she gave me a book by...(Editors note: title and author have been removed.) Mom said she'd be interested to know what I though of it and I was too.

So, I took a seat and began to read. What I found in that small book, completely surprised and frustrated me. I couldn't believe some of the things she was writing! When I told Mom some of my frustration, she suggested that, since I'm a writer, I take notes. So I did. I've come up with 20 different areas where I disagree with author, and I've used my past experiences to come up with the following 20 points.

Point #1. The first thing that caught my attention in this book, was the way the author referred to the kids with RAD or reactive attachment disorder. (Just as a side note, I'm a RAD child!) She calls them (us) disturbed, ab-normal, sick, un-healthy, and more, as if we were aliens from Mars or kids with some kind of disease. RAD isn't a disease! She also says that other kids (most likely one that aren't adopted) are healthy and normal! I bet she never even considered that a birth-child has just as much chance of being a 'RAD child', as an adopted kid does! But seriously! Going around telling people that their kid is sick in the head because they don't love you, will only cause that kid to resent you all the more. Has she ever considered that if you actually treated your child like a normal person (yet still kept boundaries to make sure they don't disobey) they might actually step up to the plate and prove themselves? A kid who knows you think of them as animals won't even bother trying to earn your respect; you've already proved what you think of them.

Point #2. You do NOT need a therapist! The author implied that one was absolutely necessary, but I completely disagree! Seriously people! Your child is just learning to attach to you as their parents and you go and throw in a therapist who knows nothing about your kid or your family, and you think it's going to help? If you need a therapist to raise your so-called 'sick' kids, then why don't you need a therapist to train your other 'healthy' children? The therapist is the professional, so they should obviously be the ones raising your kids, because you are totally under-qualified! You don't have a degree in psychology, so you can't possible know how to train your own children! Really? That's just crazy!

Point #3. Just because a child wasn't loved from birth, does not mean that they are incapable of showing love! Try applying that logic elsewhere. For example, let's say that from your child's birth to their third year, you didn't once show anger or frustration towards him. Does that now mean that your child is completely incapable of showing anger themselves? You wish! Just because your child (either adopted or birth) refuses to love you, does not mean they are incapable. Have you considered that your child might refuse to bond with you simple because he is a bratty little kid? Just a thought.

Point #4. I noticed that the author often said not to ask the question why, and merely focused on outward behavior only. I believe that simply focusing on the exterior behavior of your child and ignoring the 'why' (editors note: heart) is ridiculous! If you never get to the core of why something is happening (temper-tantrums, etc.) how will you ever stop it? Sure, if your kid throws-up, for instance, and you make them clean it up, in time, they may stop throwing-up purposefully. And, if your goal is to simply stop the outward behavior, then congratulations! You did it! But if your purpose is to find why your child is doing something, merely making them clean it up is not going to help.

Point #5. I found that the author thought it necessary that parents attend some sort of training session before attempting to train their child. I find nothing wrong with seeking advice from those more learned than yourself, but to say that it's necessary? Each child is different, and therefore you might have to slightly tweak your training for each. The government doesn't know your kids! That's why they're your children in the first place!

Point #6. The author often referred to the parents as 'awesome' and 'powerful'. While I agree that you as parents deserve your child's honor and obedience, that doesn't mean your kid is going to like it. By telling you you're awesome beings, deserving of praise, the author is bordering on saying you're the master and your child's your slave. In a technical sense, the slave-master relationship is true. But if the goal is to gain the heart of your child, telling them to treat you like a mini-god is not the best of ideas.

Point #7. Something I found crazy about the author, is she says saying "Yes, ma'am" or "No, sir" makes a kid feel unwanted. Excuse me? I've been saying "Yes, sir" to my dad for the past thirteen years and not once have I felt 'un-wanted' because of it. It implanted in my mind the fact that my parents are in-charge and I am to respect them.

Point #8. Another thing I found crazy is all the talk about schedules, especially with the author's so-called 'snuggle-time'. It's not scheduled! It just happens! When living in the midst of a family, snuggle-time or one-on-one conversations aren't planned for 'such-and-such a time on next Tuesday'. Seriously! Life isn't lived by the clock or your calendar.

Point #9. When you prepare a meal, your child eats it! They don't get sent away to have 'quiet-time' because they refused to eat. Even if they don't like what your serve, you still have to make them at least eat another few bites to prove that they MUST obey you. Don't give them control!

Point #10. When your child develops a habit (such as hiding food, which the author discusses), do you honestly think by giving them food to hide you're going to help them? They will only think you approve of what they are doing!

Point #11. When your child continues to throw-up their meal, you have to ask yourself, are they really sick? Or is something else going on? Children who have been starved and underfed will probably resort to stuffing themselves until they are sick. But guess what? If you serve regular meals and make raiding the kitchen against the rules, your child will have no chance to gorge themselves! And when they continue throwing-up, even after the above precautions? Go deeper, Have you ever thought maybe (just maybe) your child has a wicked heart and simply throws-up because they aren't getting their way? Really guys! You can trust me on this one; I have experience!

Point #12. Telling your child not to ask curiosity questions is not a good idea. Questions are a way of communication. When your child engages you (of his/her own free will) to ask a question is normally a good thing.

Point #13. When a child throws a fit, you NEVER just let them do it or even play along! Can't you see that you are only encouraging them? Also, alone time isn't always the best idea. If you don't fight for your child through their emotions, they won't respect you. If you leave them to themselves, their will only get angrier and harder as they convince themselves that they are in the right.

Point #14. Saying that your child won't trust you because you spank them is ridiculous! If you tell them you're going to spank them when they disobey, then spank them. Oh my word! They won't trust you because you actually kept your word?!

Point #15. Okay, saying a kid won't have friends until they attach to their parents is so wrong! I had the exact opposite problem. I had great relationships with friends and even strangers, but I hated being with my parents. I do agree that a child should develop an attachment to their parents, first and foremost. But saying that they are incapable of making friends until that happens is completely wrong.

Point #16. I don't believe it's a must for a child to receive 'eight hugs a day' as the author puts it. "Touch is so vital, humans actually die without it." Are you serious? I rarely get touched and I'm alive! You could hug your kid ALL DAY LONG, and they will never change! I do agree that you should hug your children. But as a teenager, I'd prefer a one-on-one conversation any day. It could vary between children. But to say touch is vital for survival with all children is not exactly right. Again, trust me, I have experience!

Point #17. To say that homeschooling your RAD kid will only make your bonding harder is just crazy! If you're trying to bond with your child, one of the BEST WAYS to do that is by homeschooling. This is because they are with you all day, not some teacher who they don't know. Homeschooling gives you the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as possible. And it also gives you, as the parent, control over exactly what your child is learning.

Point #18. I completely disagree with giving your daughter birth-control pills! That's crazy! You're teaching your child in the course of their life not to steal, lie...or kill. And then you just go and give your daughter a pill that murders! Despite what you may call it, it is murder, and you've just undone all the teaching you've given on the preservation of life! If they have your full consent (and even help) to fornicate and then murder a child, (Editors note: she means through abortion of possible zygote, the fertilized egg.) how can you tell them not to murder another person? How can you say one is right and the other is wrong, when they are technically the same thing?

Point #19. I agree that you shouldn't always dwell in the past, but saying that bringing up past mistakes (not even past trauma) is traumatizing? Perhaps for some. But I believe that looking back on past mistakes can help you in the present. If your kid sees the consequences of that past decision, they may choose to do differently the next time. I also think it's encouraging to look back and see how far you've come. It makes you feel as if you're progressing instead of being bogged down in the same old stuff.

Point #20. As my final point, I think it's important to say, I don't think keeping a relationship with your child's birth-family is a good idea. When they make the transition from that family to yours, they are letting go of their old family. Besides, if your child's biological family is giving them up to you, then the obviously don't care enough about the child to do what it takes to care for them. So, since they don't want their own child, I don't think you should remain in contact or fellowship with them.

Conclusion. Over all, I believe the author has a good motive for writing her book; wanting to help families with RAD kids. But I believe she goes about it from the completely wrong side. Not to be disrespectful, but from some of the things she writes, you'd think she knew next-to-nothing about adopted kids with RAD. Being one myself (a RAD kid and adopted) I know a lot about the things she speaks on and I also know how wrongly she portrays them. Yes, love your kids! But to say hug more, talk less? If I had to choose one thing in the past thirteen years of my adopted life which helped me most, it would be the conversations I've had with my parents.

The End

January 2012

Posted by Robert and Katherine at 10:13 AM No comments:

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TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2012

Getting Down and Dirty

And above all things have fervent love for one another, for

"love will cover a multitude of sins."

1 Peter 4:8

A family our size does not get to where we are on an adoption journey without seeing or experiencing many very ugly situations, trials, or challenges. Most people who know us, see dear children rescued from certain abandonment and poverty, now enjoying a life of middle-class luxury and refinement. They see the clean faces and neat clothes, respectful attitudes and bright smiles, and think, "boy, adopted kids are really adorable" and "wow, how lucky those kids are".

NOT!

Don't get us wrong, we absolutely love our children and know we are very blessed of the Lord with each one, all of them! We fight for them and protect them. We enjoy them and rebuke them. We train them in the fear and admonition of the Lord and hold them to their covenant vow made on the day of their adoption (we will talk about that in a future post). But, the reality is, all of our children came to us full of sin and they live with parents who are sinners.

We have all seen some stuff and it is not pretty. Try as you may, you will not know who we are talking about; however, we are going to give you a glimpse into some of the things we have had to overcome as a family and as individuals.

For the sake of space and privacy we will just list out all the trials and testings the Lord has brought us through: night terrors, flagrant and chronic lying, profound belligerence, 'demonic behaviors', night roaming, sweet and obedient in our presence while 'doing real evil' outside our sight, frequent stealing, severe sexual acting-out, self-cutting/slashing, violent self-abuse, death threats, run-away, arrest, courts, social services investigation, states attorney investigation, psychologist/therapists, playing with fire, urinating and defecating (and not in the bathroom), vindictive vomiting (also, not in the bathroom), zero affection and gratitude, severe insecurity, depressive self-pitying, fainting to avoid truth, deer-in-headlights expression, steeled defiant silence, violent/explosive anger, compulsive and/or violent self-comforting, anti-authority and highly oppositional, blatant betrayal, slander in the community; as well as dealing with ADD, ADHD, and multiple language and learning disabilities.

Not quite the 'Badges of Honor' most families want, but they are all ours and we are thankful!

So, how have we coped with these interesting and, many times, overwhelming issues? Biblically. We believed God’s promises regarding child training and life in general. We know “it is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man†and the Lord has honored that. We have story upon story of victory over each of these heart issues and disabilities. We give God all the praise; though we have been 'tried with fire', the 'joy of the Lord' has been our strength.

Everyone is different but God knew best how to transform us; conforming us to the image of His Son. What we have learned in the process is there are many hidden sins in all of our hearts. God revealed the depths of our sins by making us a family and forcing us to deal with each other. He also revealed the truth of hearts towards repentance and faith (not all of our children want it).

Most people will not understand what we have gone through or how 'down and dirty' things really were in our home. We have often been judged and alone. We have cried out to God many times asking, "How could you allow these things to happen?!" Yet, the Lord comforts us with one of the most gracious verses in the Bible, 'though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered.' Hebrews 5:8. He also assures us 'that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose' Romans 8:28...to which we can truly say, amen and amen!

Though often times we were sinking in the 'down and dirty', love always raised us up; love of Christ to parents, parents' love to children and, for most of our children, their love back to parents and Christ. This love 'shed abroad in our hearts' healed and filled us to love despite the ugly and lead us all to do the 'good and right thing in the sight of the Lord'; thereby, to 'cover a multitude of sins' with love.

P.S. Some great books the Lord lead us to that helped us in the process:

Equipped to Love: Idolatry-free Relationship by Norm Wakefield (Explains how to love with Christ-love and not self-love. Excellent in dealing with rebellious children)

The Heart of Anger: Helping Angry Children by Lou Priolo (Gives fresh approach to tried and true biblical parenting and discipline)

Fool-proofing your Life by Jan Silvious (This book was a gift from God to explain behaviors b)blically, without psycho babble)

You’ve Got To Be Kidding: Real life parenting advise from a mom and dad of nineteen by Pat Williams (This family has 5 birth, 14 adopted; they have been there, done that!)

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God by Jonathan Edwards (Gives a clear picture of the unregenerate/unsaved heart and mind)

Posted by Robert and Katherine at 3:33 PM No comments:

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