'Always Learning' asks, “Why buy the cow...?�

[smores]

I had a look at a few posts on her blog, and this one made me angry. The post is not terrible, but the comments are another story. (It's basically a Debi Pearl / CTBHHM love fest)

lorialexander.blogspot.ca/2012/03/not-created-to-be-abused.html

And now climax of Kristi's situation, Lori offeres another piece of counsel:

That broke my heart. I even did something I've never done before on a blog found through FJ. I left a comment for Kristi. All those women telling her to just suck it up for Jesus really grinds my gears.

(edited for riffles)

I commented too, and threw some Satan in there for good measure to try to help the cause. Sigh. I hope she realizes she's right.

[spragger]

How do you know? I mean, it's possible that someone's cheating on the side and being extremely discreet about it.

That is true. However, if I am going to suppose that, then I would also suppose that some of my gay friends are cheating discretely, which would bump their percentage as well. Either way, the percentage is still higher among my gay friends.

Because they are my friends I take them at their word. I've got secrets from some of them as well. Some of them I am not even out to, so it's totally possible.

[dairyfreelife]

I love these women who think wives are supposed to submit because Paul said so. What did Jesus say about wives submitting? I looked it up and...

*crickets chirping*

Absolutely nothing. He did not make any of the women he was with submit. They followed him and did as he said for the most part, but no one made them submit. Paul is fraud, trying to tell others what is right and Godly. The man didn't even marry and simply parroted the culture where women weren't allowed to be educated.

I think any man who wants his wife to obey his commands is ripe for being abusive. No decent man would want to marry a woman who can't make her own decisions and needs his guidance in everything. In my experience, most men today prefer women who can stand on their own two feet for the most part. What do I know though? I mean, I think couples should communicate and make decisions together, which involves compromising sometimes. How dare a man compromise with his wife on decisions? I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than marry a man who thinks he's above me in the house and believes I should submit to him like a dog and thinks he bought me. Same goes with thinking he "bought my milk" and should get it on command since he's providing shelter and food. That sounds like a form of prostitution to me and makes me very uncomfortable.

I, too, find the idea that men are always the higher libido partner. I have a high libido myself, so I'm not sure about that. Libido's vary and some men do have lower sex drives and are sometimes even asexual. Typical bullshit though of falling in line and not believing anything but what you're told about people.

[IamCanadian]

Smores said

I commented too, and threw some Satan in there for good measure to try to help the cause. Sigh. I hope she realizes she's right.

I just checked, and it looks like out comments were deleted. God forbid the poor woman be allowed to read anything that might encourage her towards eebil divorce. So sad.

[Hisey]

Seems like "Always Learning" only wants to learn from people who already agree with her.

Her whole blog can be summed up as follows:

1. My kids are the most godly and super perfect

2. Submit to your husband.

3. I said submit! It's your fault if he abuses you.

4. Oh, everything else is your fault, too.

5. Eat healthy foods

6. Men have a super-strong sex drive. Women, not so much. Put up with it.

[ShadowyOne]

Kristi · 1 week ago

He yells at me and calls me names. He tells me regularly how disgusting I am. He yells at me when I'm holding our baby and am asking him to please wait until the baby is in bed. He tells me how everybody else thinks that I am boring and how friends are only ever being polite to listen to me. He tells me all the time how lucky I am to have him, because nobody else would want me because I am a useless wife, usually because I haven't cleaned the house to his standards. The first year of our baby's life, he got up 0 times in the night to take care of her.

None of my friends who knew him extensively before we got married can believe that he's the same guy. He's changed so much.

Submitting to him is laying down completely and dying. Not fighting for my own worth as a person of equality in this marriage and I refuse to do so 100%. I will continue to listen to God and continue to submit as He calls me to.

Report

Lori Alexander · 1 week ago

I am very sorry for your situation Kristi. I have been praying about giving you my advice. The Bible doesn't give an out of marriage for a spouse yelling at you. God hates divorce because it causes so much pain. Yes, you are in pain now, but divorce won't lessen your pain, especially your children's pain. Children want a daddy, even a daddy that yells at them. I would suggest you read my post "Soft Answers Turn Away Wrath" http://blahblah.com..

I would also like you to search your heart and be honest with yourself about things you are doing wrong in the marriage. Are you trying to please him, honor him, love him, not nagging or angry with him? Is your heart filled with bitterness and anger? You can only change yourself and as I have mentored women, as they have worked on changing themselves, their husbands have changed 100% of the time.

Report

This whole exchange moved me so much. I tried to comment, too, though probably won't be posted. This is the bit that really stung me, though. Of course women shouldn't put up with abusive relationships, but the bolded quote is a barefaced defense of child abuse, and the kids really don't have any choice in the matter. Divorce isn't okay because having an abusive father figure is better than no father figure?! :vomits in the corner:

[TXDuck]

That is true. However, if I am going to suppose that, then I would also suppose that some of my gay friends are cheating discretely, which would bump their percentage as well. Either way, the percentage is still higher among my gay friends.

Because they are my friends I take them at their word. I've got secrets from some of them as well. Some of them I am not even out to, so it's totally possible.

There is a study on rates of monogamy. I'll try to find it. But on average, lesbians have the highest rates of monogamy, followed by heterosexual couples, and then gay couples. No group has 100% monogamy rates because humans just don't work like that. ;) So you have to take a long view. These rates may not hold to every individual's experience.

Also, I have no idea how acting MORE like a doormat will make your husband respect your rights. It's very dangerous advice. My heart breaks for poor Kristi. I hope she gets out/help soon.

[Cannelle]

I honestly think any woman who believes her submitting to her husband would lead him to abuse her, is a fool. Either for marrying a psychopath in the first place, or for having such a low opinion of her husband.

I love how they think there are always signs of the man being a psychopath before the marriage. Some men are really, REALLY good at hiding their scary sides. My entire family was absolutely floored by my ex-husband's treatment of me. They (and I) never expected him to be like that because he was such a nice guy. And yet...

My mom's husband is the same way. He's the guy everyone loves. He's friendly, he's charming, he's the kind of guy who will snowplow your driveway when you're not home, just to help you out, and who'll buy you a beer when he sees you at the bar. He's also the kind of guy who leaves bruises all over his wife and cheats on her for a year (using no protection, of course). Sadly, my mom is still with him. :(

[1004srs]

BTDT. THey are really good at hiding it. Once you are married and only in private will they say and do awful things to you.

They will help anyone do anything. Buy a round at the bar. Treat their dog like he's a king.

Then come home and beat their wife. THey can hide it until they marry you, but once you share a home and have no place else to go, then things change.

[Austin]

I am waiting until marriage to have sex, but am in no way self-hating and am openly bisexual. For me, sex is such a uniquely intimate thing that I don't want to share it with anyone but my future spouse. I'm OK with others having pre-marital sex, but why is it not OK for people like me to abstain?

I don't see how it has anything to do with you. Of course, I'm assuming that you're not in a live-in relationship with another person who wants to have sex and right or wrong, assumed the relationship would be sexual, as was the case for 1004srs (if I'm reading that correctly).

[fluttershies]

I don't see how it has anything to do with you. Of course, I'm assuming that you're not in a live-in relationship with another person who wants to have sex and right or wrong, assumed the relationship would be sexual, as was the case for 1004srs (if I'm reading that correctly).

I was replying to fundiefugee and misread their comment as implying that it was not having sex before marriage which made 1004srs' ex ping their self-hating, closeted gaydar.

[gravelmonkey]

So I was thinking today:

Lori thinks that gays marrying is bad, because then the children will grow up to be gay. (Because children mimic what they see.)

By the same logic, abusive marriage would be bad for children, because children will grow up to be abusive to their spouse (or accept it.)

Right? Bueller? Bueller?

Shoot, I forgot that abuse isn't considered a sin by fundies. Hitting people and yelling is "masculine" and appropriate. GAH!

(Free Kristi and her kids!)

[pixydust]

Hmm, I've slept with everyone that I've had a relationship with before marriage. Married 2 of them, turned down an engagement from another, so I didn't have the problem of no one wanting to buy my milk. I wouldn't want to marry someone just for sex. Is that all marriage is to them? My hubby and I have great sex, but if something happened and we could no longer do anything sexual together, we would still be in love, still have things to talk about, still enjoy spending time together, & I would still win at Trivial Pursuit and he at Monopoly (we would also still argue and disagree about stuff....I hate it when people paint their marriage as perfect!). Sex doesn't define our marriage, we do, our love and commitment does.