Bro Gary Hawkins 22: The Church of Random and Unnecessary Capitalization

[Xan]

Is Gary talking about vaping?  I don't think smoking is a good idea and selling vape stuff to teenagers is a definitely bad but we're not talking about controlled substances here.  I doubt anyone is selling e-cigs to "little bitty kids".  

I hate the soul-winning crap.  It's turning into some sort of fundie competition.  They're not satisfied with converting their family and friends.  Now they have to harass strangers.

I'd love to hear more about the book of Noer.  

Edited August 23, 2023 by Xan

[thoughtful]

19 minutes ago, Xan said:

Is Gary talking about vaping?  I don't think smoking is a good idea and selling vape stuff to teenagers is a definitely bad but we're not talking about controlled substances here.  I doubt anyone is selling e-cigs to "little bitty kids". 

He is talking about vaping - that much was clear. As for the rest - who knows? Here are the possibilities that occurred to me:

-  the place where they pick up trash is also a dispensary, so the co-worker is hoping to find some actual cannabis-based stuff.
- Gary doesn't understand how any of this works, and is just assuming that any place that sells vaping supplies also sells drugs.
- the co-worker is fucking with Gary and told him a totally fake story (although rooting through trash to support his tale seems a bit much).
- the co-worker was looking for stuff for himself, made a joke about selling it to kids, and Gary took him seriously.
- the co-worker was looking for stuff for himself, and Gary just made up the part about his friend/cousin selling it to kids, because lying for Jesus is OK. I'm not sure Gary is capable of that much imagination, though.
- the co-worker is as much of an idiot as Gary, and thinks the shop owners are throwing out valuable illicit drugs for some reason. 

I'm guessing that the "little bitty kids" was just a scary exaggeration - pure Gary.

But, as ever, who knows?

29 minutes ago, Xan said:

I hate the soul-winning crap.  It's turning into some sort of fundie competition.  They're not satisfied with converting their family and friends.  Now they have to harass strangers.

I agree with your first statement, but don't think it's turning into that. It's always been that. Even living in the northeastern US all of my life, I've had total strangers trying to "save" me quite a few times in the last 60 years. And I imagine it's much more prevalent in the south, midwest and southwest.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

After some more shaming people about not going soulwinning, he re-reads verse 2, then blabs about wanting to hear the power of God in a service, and tells his story of the church (he can't, of course, remember when and where this was) where there was a puddle of tears on the floor, from one particular person, after every altar call.

Well it sounds like this particular person needs help, and everyone else needs a sign.

Spoiler

 

[Alisamer]

I suspect it's at least partly that Gary is one of those people who have very little, limited understanding of basically anything, yet will sieze on whatever they can find that might even remotely support their own delusions.

If somebody "ungodly" does it, it must be the worst possible ever interpretation of whatever may or may not have happened. 

[thoughtful]

Before I continue listening to  Gary's message from last Sunday, I want to assure you all that he has not lost some of his bad habits - so far, I've seen many times his hand went to his ear, and heard a few "am ah makin' sense?" iterations.

On to verse three of Psalm 63, and Gary's take on it: "Because thah lovingkindness is better than life, mah lips shall praise thee. Do you know how good God is?" Long silence as he walks out from behind the pulpit, then, very softly: "Do you just know how good that God is?" Switching to a shout: "As bad as America is, guess what?"

Spoiler

He seems to lose his momentum again, getting quieter and mumbling (I may be wrong about a lot of this - he's really going fast), "We're still prob'ly, well as most people ah have eat no idea eatin' a banana before ah left home not gonna act lahk a monkey once inna whahl amen."

A pause, then: "We - even in America, we still got _____ (freedom?)." and he's off on his rant about what "they" tried to do in 2020 with the "pandamic," but "God's good to us, we we we have the church an' nobody arrested us amen?"

"Even with some the health issues that mah wahf has got, ahmanna tellya somethin', God's still good, amen?"

Easy for you to say, Gary.

I just noticed that the male voice among the few "amens" I hear sounds like Jacob. I hope I'm wrong. But maybe they get to see him occasionally.

He tells them that his pastor has been preaching on depression during the Sunday school service for the past month, going through Job. He says that Job didn't get depressed at all of his misfortunes, then says something I can't understand, despite many tries (it's at 16:38, if anyone else wants to give it a shot). It sounds like "He got depressed -  when it went to - it was a continuous leaving." Reminded me of this scene from Roxanne:

Spoiler

 

Anyway, the point is that Job was just a man that was flesh, and, if he could do it, so can we. I guess he means continue to think God is good, and just get over your depressions because Jesus.

He's on to Daniel - "a teen-age boy thrown to the lions. Whah?" He gets quiet again, and I can't hear his no-doubt profound answer. That's at 17:00, if anyone wants to give it a try. I assume it's something about Daniel defying the government and continuing to pray.

"Even whenever they sahn that little ol' beel there, hey, they can sahn all the beels ha - we stayin' with a lady mah wahf's tryin'a help her out, she's 80 - 70-some years old, got a few health issues an' ah'm just - here's th'kinda person ah am. Ahmanna tellya what ah think, you don't haveta wonder about it amen. But - if - if thangs keep goin' lahk they're goin' an ah kin steel stay with God, they're goin' they're gonna put me in jail, probably in th'electric chair. Y'say whah? Ah'm plannin' on stayin' with God, an' the government don't lahk God, if ya haven't seen that, amen. She said 'You shouldn't say that!' Ah said, 'Well whah shouldn't ah stand for God? God stood for me.'"

"Beel," in case you couldn't figure that out, is "bill." Now go sing the Schoolhouse Rock song with Gary's accent.

More of Gary's usual "God is good" stuff follows.

Next, verse four. The Psalm has 11 verses - Gary is 20 minutes into a 43 minute video. Think the last few verses will be skipped or rushed? Me, too. Pacing his messages is a skill that is way beyond Gary.

[Xan]

I tried, @thoughtful.  I couldn't make out either bunch of mumbles. 

I'm not sure what bill he's afraid they're going to sign.  I don't see anything controversial that looks like it's passing the Tennessee legislature.

Gary, for some reason, wants people to know that he'd be glad to be a martyr.  I call bullshit.  He doesn't even want to work that hard for God or take a full time pastor position.  If you won't put in the effort for your religion, I doubt you'd be willing to die for it.

[AmazonGrace]

Even a lot of the stuff that you are able to transcribe sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.

[postscript]

Yay, another Gary message to analyze! It’s been a long time. However, it’s obvious Gary’s still spouting the same old same old, including the same gestures, conspiracy theories, and stories that make no sense. 

Any sane church would kick him out for spouting anti-government rants. However, “sane” is a relative term when applied to these small independent churches. So many of them seem to be based on the cult of a specific pastor or theology.

I was raised on stories of religious persecution in Soviet Russia, including missionaries smuggling bibles across the border. Gary must have heard them, too. He talks big about standing up for God against the government. I suspect if he were faced with genuine government persecution, he would emulate Peter and deny the Lord. At best, he would take his religious practice underground.

in addition, I don’t see the government making religion a capital crime any time soon, so rather than going to the electric chair (is it still in use?), he would more likely be sent to the big house. That evokes an interesting image of him and Josh Duggar as cellmates. They would despise each other. 

[thoughtful]

"Because thah lovingkahndness. Is better than life, my lips shall praise thee."

Gary mumbles and yells about praising God because he won't go to hell, and will go to heaven. This is a very short section - maybe Becky caught his eye to let him know that he already read and discussed this verse.

"Verse four - Thus will ah bless the - bless thee while ah live: ah will lift up mah hands in thy name. Amen. His name."

He mumbles and shouts for a while about how there is no greater name than Jesus. Who, of course, is not the subject of the psalm. Gary's belief that Jesus always existed and all of the pre-Christian text is actually about him strikes again.

"Verse fahve says mah soul shall be statisfahd as. With marrah.  And th'fatness; and mah mouth shall praise thee with joyfulips. How satisfahd are you with God?"

Statisfied is a new one - sounds like it should mean one is content with statistics.

"Before ah met - before ah married mah wahf - after ah met her before ah married mah wahf, ah had t'make sure she was a good cook before ah'd say before ah would say 'ah do.'" Long pause. "She did a good job then. She still doin' a good job or ah wouldn't be payin' her." Long pause - I think he was expecting a laugh. "Ah git satisfahd - hey, if she cooks mah meals every day, ah'm satisfahd. We ought t'be that satisfahd with God. Amen?" He holds up the bible. "We ought t'be satisfahd that hey  - we know we got the boook."

He tries to tell on himself about posting LJB instead of KJB on Facebook that morning, and completely screws it up. "Ah accidentally put L - " long, long pause "B. L K - B. So mah pastor had to put on there ah was ah was ah'd gone liberal, amen."

Gary, they wouldn't have gotten it even if you'd said it right.

Gary reminds us he is satisfied with his salvation and can't lose it. But then he tells us, tenderly, about the most satisfying thing in his life.

"As ah was travelin' ah had mah vehicle that ah had, ah forgot what happened to it 'cause a lotta things has happened ________ (?) tahms. Ah was needing a vehicle an' then ah had a preacher frienda mahn t'contact me  an' he said 'Mr. Hawkins, me an' mah wahf wanna help you getchu a decent _______ (vehicle?). An so we immediately started lookin' an' the Lord gave me an F350 four door, long-built base 7.3 turbo diesel. Ah love it. An' the Lord give it to me. You know what? Ah'm satisfahd. Y'say whah? ____________ (mumble I can't understand)."

Gary, I need to know whah!

Notice how much more heartfelt and romantic the truck description sounds than his "can she cook" joking about Becky or his rote salvation spiel. We know what you really love, Gary.

Gary is satisfied with church, too.

Verse six is coming up.

Edited August 24, 2023 by thoughtful
punctuatin'

[postscript]

I loathe the whole "she has to cook" mentality. As if we needed any more evidence that Gary was a chauvinist. The male half of his audiences, I'm sure, find this story very relatable.

Has he got the truck back? I was under the impression it was either permanently out of commission or needed so much work that it might as well be. It's easily the most satisfying relationship he's ever had. And yes, he gives credit to the Lord, not to the preacher friend who helped (knowing Gary, the "help" wasn't just looking for the truck, but also financial). 

[thoughtful]

4 minutes ago, postscript said:

Has he got the truck back? I was under the impression it was either permanently out of commission or needed so much work that it might as well be. It's easily the most satisfying relationship he's ever had. And yes, he gives credit to the Lord, not to the preacher friend who helped (knowing Gary, the "help" wasn't just looking for the truck, but also financial). 

Gary did get his truck back, quite a while ago. I can't remember exactly when - sorry.

IIRC, Gary's never been clear who actually found the truck for sale, and I can't tell who he meant by "we" this time - did he shop with the preacher, Becky, his sons?

But yes, as always, other people paid for it. Of course, God sent them and everybody's money belongs to God and should be given to missionaries and evangelists.

I'm trying to remember whether the truck was the vehicle for which someone took out a loan or a second mortgage or something, or if that was an earlier vehicle.

[Alisamer]

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He says that Job didn't get depressed at all of his misfortunes, then says something I can't understand, despite many tries (it's at 16:38, if anyone else wants to give it a shot). It sounds like "He got depressed -  when it went to - it was a continuous leaving."

I legit listened to that several times and the best I can figure out is "it was a continuous ____ thing." Definitely got "thing" (or "thang", LOL) as the last word. I don't think I heard an "s" at the end or I'd have guessed "a continuous buncha things" so maybe "a continuous kinda thing"? It sounds like he got to the point of listing what Job wasn't depressed about and then lost the train of thought and mumbled off the rails. 

To me, someone from the same region as Gary (though I'm nearer the city so our accents tend to be lighter), he'd probably be mostly understandable if he'd just quit mumbling! 

[thoughtful]

I found the resurrection of the One True Truck - it was June of last year, shortly before Becky had surgery to have a lymph node removed.

 

Continuing Gary's message from last Sunday: "Verse six th'bahble says an' when ah remember thee upon my bayud, and meditate upon thee in the night watches. Y'know what we oughta be meditatin' ohn God ________ (all day long?)."

Meditating on God is not just for church days. He expresses his disdain about working "in the secular worl'," as usual, citing how the people he works with, if asked, will say "'Yeah, ah'm goin' t'heaven, probably,' more'n lahkly they say all those things, but then they turn aroun' an' cussin' all day long."

"Politicians - pol - th'policy where ah work at y'can't talk about politicians an' we can't talk about religion now ah'manna be honest with ya, ah agree with 'em ah would agree with 'em ohna second part because ah don' wanna talk about religion because religion'll sendya t'hell ah just wanna talk about God."

I'd wonder if they only made that policy after Gary was hired, but I suspect he's not their first source of religion and politics causing problems.

"But then they kin turn around an' they kin cuss God an' they kin do all the cussin' they wanna do. One day ah was talkin' to a gah there now me an' me an' him doesn't agree on a whole lotta things but there's a few things we kin agree on he goes to a Pinnicostal church an' he'll go an' ask me some questions once in a whahl an' me an' him'll just sit there an' talk, mahndin' our own business, wadn't listenin' t'nothin' nobody else was sayin', an' we was talkin', an' an' wonna the ss- uh - wonna th'leaders  says 'No! You can't be talkin' 'bout that here.' An' that gah says 'We can't talk about this, but you kin cuss God, you kin cuss around us all day, an' we're s'posed t'be OK with it.' He didn't say nothin' else for the rest of the tahm ah was ______ (?). Y'say whah? They don't like that. They don't lahk - they're leaders."

Here he goes into arm-waving, stupid-person voice mode: "'We're s'posed t'be leaders! We're the ones that tells you what t'do! You don't tell us what t'do!'"

Back to normal (well, such as it is) Gary voice: "Well _______ (? - a bunch of syllables I can't put together into words) ah'm gonna let ya know a little bit about God. Amen?"

After this rant proving that Gary doesn't understand that rules apply to him, he goes back to quietly mumbling about meditating on God all the time.

I actually think that Gary and his co-worker may have had a point about the cursing. Since I've worked in schools and offices, the idea that one doesn't swear at work seems pretty standard to me. I can see where that could go either way in Gary's job - it's a blue-collar, male-dominated environment, but it's also in an area where there are likely to be people who are offended by swear words.

I wonder if they get into any trouble for hate speech.

While telling them that they should meditate on God when going through a hard time, he says: "Mah wahf'll say once in a whahl ah'll say 'Whataya need? Is there anythin' ya need?' She'll say 'Ah need a new body' ah say 'It's gonna happen. Sooner or later it's gonna happen!' Amen?  May not _____ (?) do a whole lot about it on this sahd, _____ (mumble with raised arm, which I assume was about getting a new body in heaven)."

I'm happily surprised that Gary actually asks if Becky needs anything (if he's telling the truth). I hope he actually helps her, after his obnoxious reminder that she can't have a new body on this side of the veil.

Another rambling work story follows. "Wonna th'gahs at work told me one tahm they was talkin' 'bout somethin' that's what ah lahk, ah - they was talkin' - ah - they was talkin' about somethin' ain't s'posed t'do this once the ________ (?) men wadn't in there so ah guess they could do some that stuff, an' they was talkin' an' ah just hop - happened t'walk in an' one of the other gahs 'You gohn lahk what they're talking about.' An' ah got in on th'conversation _______ (?) one the gahs says 'Well ah b'lieve hell's here on earth' ah said 'Ray you gonna be surprised when it ain't.'"

Again, he mentios Daniel the teen-aged boy, and how today's teens should be like him if they "have t'be in that school." I'm guessing that Daniel's supposed age when he was thrown to the lions was something Pastor Baker mentioned recently, and Gary loves it now. However, everything I could find says that he was probably a teen when taken to Babylon, and in his 70s or 80s when put in the lions' den. So either Gary's source for this is wrong, or (more likely) Gary just conflated everything in his mind.

Ah say ah say ah say, the Foghorn Leghorn (or Senator Claghorn, if you prefer the original) was strong in Gary that day.

Next - verse seven.

Edited August 24, 2023 by thoughtful
riffle

[postscript]

Not sure how I missed the return of the sacred truck. Perhaps I assumed it would break down again. That was also around the time they went completely dark, probably due to Becky’s medical issues and getting off the road.

Interesting to see Gary can’t recall the word “supervisor.” I also suspect the no religion/politics rule encompasses employees other than Gary. He can’t be the only poorly-educated bigot they’ve ever hired. 

I was actually wondering about the vocabulary in his current workplace. I suspect he’s less offended by profanity than by coworkers taking the name of the a lord in vain. I was brought up in a no-swearing family and only learned to swear in college. In business environments, you’ve got to have a certain tolerance for bad language. However, most people know when to turn it off. In his work environment, they may not be able to turn it off. 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, postscript said:

Interesting to see Gary can’t recall the word “supervisor.”

Listening to him, I couldn't quite tell if he couldn't think of it, or was avoiding it for some reason. There was something about the way he started with the s, then switched to "leader" that felt more like choosing it rather than not being able to come up with the right word.

But I could be wrong.

1 hour ago, postscript said:

I also suspect the no religion/politics rule encompasses employees other than Gary. He can’t be the only poorly-educated bigot they’ve ever hired. 

Oh, of course - that's why I said what I did; sorry if I didn't make myself clear. It would be tempting to joke that they needed it when Gary arrived, but that I'm sure they had the policy in place already.

1 hour ago, postscript said:

I suspect he’s less offended by profanity than by coworkers taking the name of the a lord in vain.

From what he's said in his messages, I think it's about even. He does the "mah God doesn't have a last name" bit when someone says "God damn." But he also refuses to say the word obituary, because the second syllable sounds like bitch.

And I have always wondered if his fear of sounding like he said "fuck" may be the reason he always claims he can't pronounce the name of Foxe's Book of Martyrs, and asks Becky to say it.

 

[Joyster]

On FB, Gary requested prayers for his mom who is in the hospital, and he reposted his sister’s post asking for prayers. I saw his sister’s request and thought Gary wouldn’t even mention it, but I was wrong. It’s a nice thing to be wrong about.

@thoughtful mentioned she might have heard Jacob in the congregation of Gary’s Sunday preaching. I looked at the services of the Louisiana church Jacob has been attending. I think it was Jacob was in the front in the Sunday videos. While I was scrolling to see if I could see the face of Jacob, I stopped at a point where Pastor Jayme the Jerk was telling the story of a lady who attended the first church he was a pastor at. He said she must have ate a whole bunch of sugar cubes before the services because she always had to excuse herself and sit in another room because she was in a diabetic coma. If it wasn’t that, she was volunteering for the nursery, and what person would do that? She’s rather change disgusting diapers than hear the word of God. Jayme the Jerk knew the truth though. She just didn’t want to hear what he was preaching to her. That’s the only point I can agree with him on. I really hate that this is the garbage Jacob listens to each week. The man is a bully. His latest FB post is evidence: https://m.facebook.com/profile.php/?id=100073980786867&name=xhp_nt__fb__action__open_user. However, there are actually people telling Jayme he is out of line in the comments.

Random Gary family news: Jacob posted a nice photo of himself on FB; Michaela’s son will be called little Joe; Caleb preached a couple of weeks ago. Michaela has started wearing pants during the last year; any small break away from Gary’s beliefs is nice to see.

[thoughtful]

18 hours ago, Joyster said:

 mentioned she might have heard Jacob in the congregation of Gary’s Sunday preaching. I looked at the services of the Louisiana church Jacob has been attending. I think it was Jacob was in the front in the Sunday videos

Thanks. Sadly, as you pointed out about Jayme the Jerk, both churches are piles of shit, and I hate to see kids being raised in them.

On to verse seven of Gary's scholarly breakdown of Psalm 63.

"Because thou hath been mah help, therefore. In the shadow of thah wings ah will rejoice. Has God ever hehped you any? Any tahm? He's hehped me a lot. He is mah help, amen? When ah need help ah call on him ya say 'Wha?' 'Cause ah need ''im."

We get it, Gary - God = help.

He tells them he needs Jesus every second, and goes into his routine about Becky wanting him to get tested for "sleep apnee," which, of course, he never did.

"One naht, she said that uh ah was, not breathing,  and she said she sat there for a little bit, an' fahn'ly she woke me up because ah wasn't breathin'. It been like fahve minutes."

Five minutes, Gary? I've told you a million times to stop exaggerating!

"Ah said 'Man, ah was that close t'heaven an' you took it away from me.' Amen."

Gary goes on about how God helps him, and got the Israelites across the sea: "He put the waters up, an' then he turned the sand into CEEment so they could git across no problem."

Spoiler

"You think about Joseph. D'ya remember Joseph? What was it about 30 years? 30 years he had t'go through a whole lotta heartache bein' in prison an' ever'thin'? You say 'Where was God?' He was raht there.  Hey - he went throught that little bitta trouble, with trahls an' stayin' in prison, an' was lahd ohn, hey, lemme tell you sumpin' - you gohn stand f'r God, ah promise ya one thing - you gohn be lahd ohn."

"Trahls" is trials, and "lahd ohn" is lied on, in case that wasn't clear. I assume "lied on" means people will lie about you, not on you, but who knows.

Also, Joseph was not in prison for 30 years (he's talking about the son of Jacob, with the coat of many "collars," not Jesus' stepdad). And the way Gary tells it, it doesn't sound like God was much of a help.

On to Shadrach et al, and his usual bit about choosing God over the government. He says "Fay-ro" (Pharaoh) instead of Nebuchadnezzar at first, and corrects himself.

"What about the disciples over there? Listen, hey, they was in they was in one them hair-canes. They was a hair-cane slash tornado. The boat was rockin'. They was worried t'death about it. An' they was 'Hey! Where's God at now? He's down in the - he's down in the bottom of th'boat an' we're up here - uh, the wind's gonna take us ____ (?) it's gonna tear the boat apart!' What God do? He ________ (? It sounds like "He speezed it" ).

 More about God being a help, then "Mah wahf, ah watch her, an' ah'm gonna say somethin' to ya, ah know th'pain an' th'agony an' th'things that she has t'go through is rough."

He takes a swig of water.

"But you know what's rough on me? Watchin' her do it. Watchin' her go through it. Ah don't lahk it. Ah mean, ohn top of th' ohn top of th'MS, she has mahgraine headaches now if you've never had one ah do not recommend you bah one now they're expensive an' they hurt."

"One one day she's lay - ah guess it was last Sundee wh - " He looks at Becky for confirmation. "Last Sundee after church after church we went home an' we eat dinner, and she said 'Mah head's hurtin',' so she laid down, an' she put her legs on mah lap an' ah was just sitting there, an' after her fallin' asleep, she has those seizures an' her leg - her feet is just sittin' there, lit'rilly just movin'." Long pause. "That hurts me. But ah can tellya this much - God's in control. Ah just haveta put it in God's hands, ya say 'Whah?' Ah cain't take it away."

Of course, seeing a loved one go through pain is terrible, and confiding that to a supportive person, privately, away from the person who is ill, is a natural and healthy thing to do. But, Gary being Gary, he makes it fodder for his sermon, and says all of this stuff to a room full of people (probably mostly strangers), with Becky sitting right there. He just makes himself sound enormously selfish, dolt that he is.

It made me think of the "First, He Cries" skit from SNL:

https://snltranscripts.jt.org/79/79ecries.phtml

At some point in his next rant, he yells "We can't change nothin' in our life, other than th'part follerin' after Jesus, amen?"

And, of course, it's all the fault of Adam and Eve. Gary, in one of his two instances of being forgiving of women in the bible, says that, whenever Becky curses Eve for the fall, he tells her "Put your shoes in Eve's feet, you may not - you may've been worse than Eve was."

I know these have been very long, but he's really saying a fair amount of new stuff, and so much of it seems too offensive, bizarre or funny to skip.

Edited August 25, 2023 by thoughtful
riffle

[postscript]

CEE-ment on the ocean bed? That s a take on the crossing of the Red Sea which I’ve never heard before.

Yes, Gary, it’s difficult watching a loved one going through a health crisis. But you have a lot of nerve saying it’s worse watching Becky have a migraine or MS than her actually going through it. You have no idea what she’s experiencing. Just shut up and support her. 

The Bible can be either vague or weirdly specific about time frames, but nothing in the Bible says Joseph was in prison for 30 years. I always got the impression he wasn’t in for very long before he started his dream interpretation sideline. 

Hurricanes on the Sea of Galilee? Tornados? Somehow, I don’t think so. He must be listening to the news. 

[thoughtful]

"Verse eight - mah soul follereth hard after thee: thou raht heeyund upholdeth me. Verse nahn - but those that seek my soul, t'des t'destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth. Y'know what? Y'say 'How long have they been after Jesus? Long tahm. You kin go allaway back to the ol' testament - they ben tryin' t'destroy him."

Um, Gary - oh, what's the use?

He does his bit about not understanding why the devil took Jesus up to the mountaintop to tempt him, since God owns everything and so couldn't be tempted.

"Hey, they gonna - you say 'How long are they gonna trah t'destroy Jesus?' 'Til he comes."

He says it's been a long time since he looked up statistics (he has so much trouble spitting the word out), but he's sure that "there's two-three hun'red preachers that quit every year."

He tells his story about the Jehovah's Witness who told someone in his family that she had been a Baptist until she learned the truth. Gary's diagnosis is that she either wasn't saved or wasn't "grounded."

He snipes at "people of God" who say one thing in church and in person, but something else on Facebook.

"We livin' in the last days," Oliver B. Greene said we were in the last minutes years ago, so now we're in the last seconds.

Gary just got a message from "a preacher frienda mahn" - he says he met him in Maine and he's now in Florida, so it's the knee-slapper who was also an electrician and ran a furniture store, and now works at Disney World - Chris Crawley.

Spoiler

 

Chris  had some bad news, which Gary manages to tell in the most convoluted way possible: "Actually, mah wahf actually called him about a hour before he text me an' said 'Brother Crawley's daddy passed away.' Then a little bit later, 'bout a hour or so later he text me an' tol' me that his daddy passed away. There - we're losin' some good people."

He does his tribute to Lester Roloff, and mocks his diet, then bitches about how churches are changing, and about preachers "who will git up an' make mawk of sin."

And he rants about the devil taking over for a while.

On to verse 10.

 

 

 

[thoughtful]

49 minutes ago, postscript said:

CEE-ment on the ocean bed? That s a take on the crossing of the Red Sea which I’ve never heard before.

I have, but only from Gary. IIRC, he did get it from someone else, but I don't remember the details now.

"Look in virsis teeyun. They shall fall bah the sword: they shall be portions for foxes. Versis eleven the bahble says but the keeeng. Shall rejoice in God; every one that sweareth by him shall glory: but the mouth of them that speak lahs shall be stopped. Hey - what is it, when God says it's over, it's over."

He does his routine about worrying being a sin, and how saved people should be the happiest people on earth.

I guess this 43 minute blabfest was shorter than the time allotted, because Gary says, "Guess you'll have a extra 15 or 20 minutes gossipin' tahm. That's what Becky starts t'do amen?"

He tells them that, on the previous Wednesday, they had to have the carpet cleaned, and the pastor told all the women to stand to one side and gossip, while the men took the chairs up.

He mumbles some more stuff about trusting God, then prays.

On to the second service!

 

 

[thoughtful]

The second message Gary preached at Impact last Sunday was shorter. I remember Gary asking, before the first one, how much time he had before Sunday school, and thought it was just a Gary error, but maybe this church does the main service first.

Gary reads from Luke 18:

Quote

35 And it came to pass, that as he was come nigh unto Jericho, a certain blind man sat by the way side begging:

36 And hearing the multitude pass by, he asked what it meant.

37 And they told him, that Jesus of Nazareth passeth by.

38 And he cried, saying, Jesus, thou son of David, have mercy on me.

39 And they which went before rebuked him, that he should hold his peace: but he cried so much the more, Thou son of David, have mercy on me.

40 And Jesus stood, and commanded him to be brought unto him: and when he was come near, he asked him,

41 Saying, What wilt thou that I shall do unto thee? And he said, Lord, that I may receive my sight.

42 And Jesus said unto him, Receive thy sight: thy faith hath saved thee.

43 And immediately he received his sight, and followed him, glorifying God: and all the people, when they saw it, gave praise unto God.

He re-reads verse 37, then tells them when "Jesus Chrast passed bah" for him (July 11, 1999, Open Door Baptist Church, etc.). "An' with th'hehp of the Lord, just fer a little bit, ah'm gonna preach When Jesus Passed Bah."

He goes into sing-song yell mode, and does a long bit about how people don't always change right away when Jesus passes by, they come "with their long hair, their short hair, or whatever it is that they got."

But, he says, he changed immediately.

"A lot of people look raht,  they dress raht,  the act raht an' talk raht, but ah'm not sure  their insahds is raht.  Amen? Ah b'lieve in convictions and ah b'lieve all that kinda stuff, but awanna tellya somethin', you cain't just take a fish, eh-he - ah - wh - in South Ca'olahna where ma daddy started a church there that was some years ago, ah'm assumin' they gutted th'fish, but they left their heads on. Ahmanna letchu know somethin', ah'm not eatin' no fish got heads left on 'em, amen? Ah ah what is it that - down in Louisiana they got them crawdads y'all ___ (audio glitch) do that down here, ah'm not eatin' somethin' that's lookin' at me. You kin have all of it, ah listen there ain't no jealous bone in mah body you kin have every bit of it atchu want amen? Ah want it taken off. But ah'm tellin' you when Jesus passed bah, he made a difference in me."

Oh, yeah - Jesus! I forgot all about him while Gary was carrying on about his food looking at him.

Go eat some Klingon gagh, Gary - that's food that's still moving! And no, I'm not posting a link - google that at your own risk, I can't look at anything that wormlike.

Edited August 26, 2023 by thoughtful
riffle

[thoughtful]

Oh, fuck.

Spoiler

I have no idea if he has quit his job, or is planning to only do Sundays within easy driving distance. I can't believe he'd actually fly.

Also:

Spoiler

 

Edited August 27, 2023 by thoughtful

[postscript]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Oh, fuck.

  Reveal hidden contents

I have no idea if he has quit his job, or is planning to only do Sundays within easy driving distance. I can't believe he'd actually fly.

Oh, no! Look out America, here comes Gary, ready to spread the gospel of hate and bigotry.

I don't understand his description, not that that's unusual with Gary. Is he only doing one Sunday a month? One week a month? Both? He's still got the tent and he's willing to drive with the tent? I can't see him flying, either. Traveling any distance without Becky seems problematic, too. He doesn't function well without her. Hopefully he confines it to reasonable distances and doesn't attempt to go full time. He may be anxious to get back on the road, but both he and Becky seem to be doing better staying in one place. 

[thoughtful]

Comments under Gary's post about being back on the road:

Spoiler

 

Continuing Gary's second sermon from 8/20, he says that, since Jesus passed by and changed him, he doesn't want to use foul language or listen to ungodly music. While going through his usual explanation of why country music isn't OK, even if it mentions Jesus, he says "There's a country song, ah don' know all th'words to it, but ah know this much, it mentions Jesus, it mentions cheatin' on yer wahf or yer  - or yer maid, it mentions drinkin' beer - you don't think that's a good song, do ya?"

Cheating on your maid, Gary? What kind of fantasies have you been having lately?

As he says each thing the song mentions, he takes one sidestep to the right, in rhythm, until he almost runs into the wall.

I thought dancing was a sin, Gary.

Spoiler

     

He starts in on contemporary church music. Again, he turns what could be a simple statement into an amazingly convoluted speech. "On mah phone when ah'm workin' ______ (some syllables I couldn't make sense of) some tahm ah'm bah mahself at work an' - an' ever'thing ah lahk it that way don't have t'hear as much cussin' that way but when ah'm at work ah you would have mah headset on and uh, mah wahf's got me some music an' stuff, an' there's some  songs 'at ah can't listen to 'em some an' they call it Christian music."

In case that wasn't crystal clear - while at work, Gary sometimes listens to Christian music Becky found for him, so he won't have to listen to people swearing. Sometimes there are songs that he dislikes.

He tells them about someone he knows in his new church.

"What was it, a coupla Sundees ago, the preacher - we got a gah in our church that's uhh  he was in a orchestra an' all this kinda stuff he's real big in music, an' his business has got somethin' t'do with music an' ah'm gonna tellya raht now, you just haveta come an' listen to him one tahm or let him talk t'y'all sometahm about music, an' it was some things in there that ah was surpri - even in - even growin' up in church that ah was surprahsed about. That ah didn't e - that ah'd  never heard before."

"And so, it's a lot t'do - an' ah even told mah pastor after church we was talkin', whenever we would wake in - back in - when ah was in - uh uh still at home, an' we would wake up the alarm clock, would play somma this - rock music? Backwards. An' you think it's bad playin' it forward? It really was bad playin' it backwards. You'd hear some stuff thatchu wouldn't even - it would even - it would blow yer mahnd even today at whatchu would hear stuff, but awanna tellya somethin' mah ears don' wanna listen t'that junk amen?

Need a translation? I think he's saying that this person at church has an even more ridiculous idea about evil satanic rock music than Gary does.

"Look over in Psalms real - ah wasn't plannin' t'do this, but ah'm gonna do it anyway - "

Oh, great - unplanned readings. He does his jokes threatening to preach for too long, including saying that his wife could tell them he's never preached over two hours. A few weak chuckles from the congregation, and we hear Becky quietly say "Pretty close."

More later.

 

Edited August 28, 2023 by thoughtful
riffle

[keepercjr]

Seems like they might be struggling to get any "students" for their degree in KJB (LJB haha) bible