Bro Gary Hawkins 22: The Church of Random and Unnecessary Capitalization

[samurai_sarah]

Continue bro-ing from here:

 

[thoughtful]

Great title, @samurai_sarah - thanks for the new thread. Or, perhaps I should say GREAT Title, Samurai_SARAH, Thanks for THE New Thread.

 

[samurai_sarah]

3 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Great title, @samurai_sarah - thanks for the new thread. Or, perhaps I should say GREAT Title, Samurai_SARAH, Thanks for THE New Thread.

 

thanks TO you for coming UP WITH it, @thoughtful

Edited May 15, 2023 by samurai_sarah

[thoughtful]

9 minutes ago, samurai_sarah said:

thanks TO you for coming UP WITH it, @thoughtful

Did I? I completely forgot. I figure Gary's Garyisms are bizarre enough without our embellishments.

"It BIBLE" still rules.

[thoughtful]

Hey, have  - oh, excuse me - has any of you heard of this plan of salvation thing?

Spoiler

 

 

[Xan]

I understand that there's a preacher in Zambia who talks about this but it seems to be a pretty complicated plan.  

Seriously, is there anybody in America who hasn't heard about Christian salvation?  They'd have to have been living under a rock for decades.

[AmazonGrace]

Did you know that a lot of people don't know that Gary's got the Truth

It makes him feel better to see others as ignorant. Then it's not that people don't agree with his nonsense, it's because people haven't heard enough of his nonsense.

 

[Alisamer]

22 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Did you know that a lot of people don't know that Gary's got the Truth

It makes him feel better to see others as ignorant. Then it's not that people don't agree with his nonsense, it's because people haven't heard enough of his nonsense.

 

It also gives him an excuse to preach. Gotta make sure people have heard of the Plan of Salvation, after all. 

No, silly. Not by helping people in need and sharing Christian love by example, you know, like feeding the hungry or something like that. By preaching to people who are already in church every time it's open! They might not have gotten saved exactly right, you know. They might have a slightly different interpretation of scripture than Gary, or have glanced at a non-KJV translation of the Bible. Can't have them going to hell for reading the NIV if Gary can help it!

Those non-Christians? Eh. Go a couple times a year to knock on doors and toss a tract at them. Good enough. 

Also that "People are helpless without Christ in their life!!!" is amusing to me. It's like Jesus is the whole life version of AAA roadside assistance. "I'd have been lost and had no idea what to do when my heat quit working last winter, but I prayed about it and Jesus told me to call a repair guy! Praise the lord!" 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

It's like Jesus is the whole life version of AAA roadside assistance.

Gary thinks AAA is alcoholics anonymous - he can't spell or count.

[Black Aliss]

15 hours ago, Xan said:

I understand that there's a preacher in Zambia who talks about this but it seems to be a pretty complicated plan.  

Seriously, is there anybody in America who hasn't heard about Christian salvation?  They'd have to have been living under a rock for decades.

They might be the same people who are not aware of breast cancer. Maybe we could get DRod to print up a two-fer tract. Pink ribbon on the outside, Jesus on the inside.

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Hey, have  - oh, excuse me - has any of you heard of this plan of Salvation thing?

FTFY

[thoughtful]

Gary has written yet another introduction for the c&p of the ad for their "college." Doesn't this just give you so much trust in the capabilities of the teachers there?

We want to get out to be a help, so email us with the email!

Spoiler

 

[postscript]

Does he really think an online “college” studying only the King James, run by a bunch of shouty preachers, is going to attract tons of students? If it doesn’t, are we going to be treated to rants about how younguns nowadays aren’t interested in the Bible? Is his enthusiasm for the Bible college tied to some sort of income stream? I wonder if he gets a small stipend per student. 

I’m curious as to who teaches these “classes” and how they are taught. Gary has no credentials to teach anything, not that that would stop him. I’m picturing him correcting papers during his shifts hauling trash. 

[Alisamer]

46 minutes ago, postscript said:

I’m curious as to who teaches these “classes” and how they are taught. Gary has no credentials to teach anything, not that that would stop him. I’m picturing him correcting papers during his shifts hauling trash. 

I would bet that @thoughtful could probably put together the classes for them, because I suspect there will be a whole lot of watching videos of preachers and not a whole lot of "academics" or in depth study. And I'm sure it'll be pretty limited in the Bible study also, they won't want to have their students finding any contradictions or anything that doesn't support Gary & co's message, either.  They all claim to have read the Bible all the way through but I highly doubt they actually engaged their brains when doing so. They don't have any nuance or understanding, at all. 

I'm trying to imagine classes they might offer. Their catalog (if they had one) probably includes stuff like this:

KJB 101: This class offers an overview of why the King James Bible (1611) is the only acceptable Bible for Real Christians to use, and explains why all other variations are of Satan. (No historical context or examination of earlier sources will be included in this course, nor will there be examination of the language used in the King James Bible.)

PROVERBS 31 and PAUL: This class focuses on Proverbs and the role of women in church according to Paul's letters to early churches. Women are encouraged to attend and learn, but may not participate in discussions. We will cover such issues as how to encourage women to be proper helpmeets, why women must stay silent and not teach in church, and proper clothing requirements for women. 

IT BIBLE 101: This class includes a deep dive into explanations of faith and workshopping reactions to criticism when witnessing to those who claim to be Christian but are actually hell-bound. Upon completing this course, students will be able to offer tailored responses to such heathens as Presbyterians, Southern Baptists, Methodists, and Lutherans. 

IT BIBLE 102: Prerequisite- IT BIBLE 101. This class continues the study from IT BIBLE 101 but goes deeper into proper Bible-based responses to criticism and resistance to witnessing. This will be a deeper dive and will go into responses to Satan's followers including Catholics, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Atheists, Muslims, Jews, and a brief look at Wiccans and other pagans. This will be a difficult course and only strong Christians are encouraged to attend.

INTRO TO PREACHING: (Men only.) This will be an introductory course into the art and skill of preaching. Focus will be on developing your preaching style and will include watching and learning from many preachers from the past through today. Students are requested to wear proper church suits that offer freedom of movement, as we will be practicing skills including pounding the lectern, weeping on command, proper timing of arm flailing, when to whisper vs. yell, how far to pace away from the lectern with or without a wireless microphone, and proper timing of the request for a love offering. 

Honestly I'd be surprised if it's not just "watch this group of videos of old preachers and current preachers yelling and then write a paper on why the King James is the only acceptable version of the Bible." I've probably put too much thought into it. More than Gary, certainly.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, postscript said:

Is his enthusiasm for the Bible college tied to some sort of income stream?

I've been guessing it is. He has been talking about this project, off and on, for years, and he and some of his pastor buddies went and looked at an actual location at one point. Of course, since it's Gary, it's all been pretty vague, so take me with a grain of salt. I don't know for sure if he's doing any of the actual teaching, or helped to plan any of the curriculum.

The description (see below) says that all of the "professors" 😡 are volunteers, and the money goes to missions, decided by the board of directors. Gary may be on the board of directors, and also one of the people to whom they give money, since we know how very ethical these people are. 🙄

21 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

I would bet that @thoughtful could probably put together the classes for them,

I'm going to brag - I could do a much better job than any of them, and I'd make it all funny, as well! So there!

Your description was great, and funny, and not that far off from the actual blurb they use:

Quote

KING JAMES BIBLE COLLEGE IS

NOW ACCEPTING NEW STUDENTS

We are excited that you have an interest in the bachelor’s in bible program at King James Bible College. Let me take a moment and tell you a little about us, we are pastors and evangelists that believe that the Bible is the absolute truth and foundation for all we do. It is what increases our faith (Romans 10:17). We believe that God did what he said he would do and preserved his word in complete, perfect, inspired form without error for all generations including our generation today. (Psalm 12:6-7)

With all the different versions out there today and the promise from God to preserve his word we believe that there is one perfect, complete, inspired version and that is the King James Version of the bible. If you so choose to pursue this course, which we hope you seriously pray about doing so, we want you to understand that all quizzes will be from the King James Bible as this will be important especially in the memory verses and the fill in the blank answers.

We also understand that there are many different views on the bible versions and as we are well aware of all the debates on this topic, we have chosen not to engage in these debates any longer, as they usually end up taking a large amount of time and many broken fellowships with other believers. We all have a job to do for the Lord and this college is designed for the everyday average person to be able to get deeper into the bible to put on that WHOLE Armour of God and to be able to stand against Satan and his forces.

This college is designed with the common folks in mind, anyone can do this course, there are no traditions, no English, Language, or history courses in these exams, they are straight from the bible, all questions are from the bible and all answers are in the bible. You may need an English dictionary from time to time.

There are 48 total courses covering all 66 books of the bible, once the 48 courses are completed your bachelor's degree will be issued. If you are able to do one course a month in 4 years you will have your degree. You may do more than one a month if you want to get done sooner, or less than one a month, you work at your own pace

We are now accepting registrations and have begun sending out courses to those that are registered and paid. We have established this college and do operate under a board of directors. With that being said, if you do the sample course, and decide you want to pursue courses with this college please let us know and we will send you a registration form to hold your spot, Once the $30 registration fee, and $30 course fee (as all courses cost $30 and pre-paid,) YOU PAY AS YOU GO you will be emailed your first course.

There is also a video overview of each course you receive that you can watch if you choose to do so, and there will be a board member/Professor available to answer your questions if you have any. Our web site will be up and running soon. As the staff and directors of King James Bible College are all volunteers all monies minus operating expenses are given to missions as decided by a meeting among the board of directors each quarter. All monies collected are to be paid through Venmo, or check through snail mail

If you would like to request the sample course you may work it, fill it out, and send it back if you choose, you may also just keep it, or if you want you can take a picture of it and email it back to us and we will grade it and you can see how you did. All feedback will be appreciated. Enjoy the course, Hide God’s word in your heart, and Seek God first.

This program is a work at your own rate program

It is for anyone 16 and older, It is pay as you go, if you like

please email any and all comments or questions to:

kingjamesbiblecollege@gmail.com

You are loved

Pastor Chris Howe

King James Bible College

8918 State Route 90N

King Ferry, NY 13081

Comments, and Gary's answers (emial us!):

Spoiler

 

[Alisamer]

LOL I'd forgotten the description they put out. 

So it basically is "send us $30, we'll tell you which books of the Bible to read, and then send you a quiz to take on it." It really sounds like you get a syllabus and a final and the rest is all on your own. 

Damn. If I'd known it was so easy to set up a college I could have been working on something like that myself. 

It also sounds like it's aimed at people who deliberately shelter themselves and their kids. People who are more "worldly" who want to deep dive into the Bible know how to do so without paying for a course in it. It's never been easier than today to teach yourself things. Some things still require actual teachers, of course, but the Bible? There've been people studying it for literal millennia. There's plenty out there to learn from on your own. 

[griffin]

Darn, I'd contact them, but I don't have emiai.

[Xan]

Gary has now decided to call Jesus, "King Jesus".  I guess "Son of God" just wasn't quite good enough.

Gary thinks King Jesus is coming back any day now.  Interestingly, he gets some pushback on this one.  

Edited May 17, 2023 by Xan

[Pammy]

I just emailed to see if I can get a sample course for free. As an actual prof at an actual Bible College, I'm very interested in seeing exactly what kind of read-and-worksheet approach is going on here.

[AmazonGrace]

Is Gary quoting... contemporary music??  this song came out in 1976 i am sure it's not old enough to be holy

 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, griffin said:

Darn, I'd contact them, but I don't have emiai.

I hadn't even noticed the second i! I went back and edited my mockery - thanks, @griffin.

2 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Is Gary quoting... contemporary music??  this song came out in 1976 i am sure it's not old enough to be holy

 

It's in some hymnals at this point - maybe it's been sung at some churches Gary has visited, and he doesn't realize it was composed after he was born!

https://hymnary.org/text/soon_and_very_soon_we_are_going

 

[postscript]

3 hours ago, Alisamer said:

LOL I'd forgotten the description they put out. 

So it basically is "send us $30, we'll tell you which books of the Bible to read, and then send you a quiz to take on it." It really sounds like you get a syllabus and a final and the rest is all on your own. 

Damn. If I'd known it was so easy to set up a college I could have been working on something like that myself. 

It also sounds like it's aimed at people who deliberately shelter themselves and their kids. People who are more "worldly" who want to deep dive into the Bible know how to do so without paying for a course in it. It's never been easier than today to teach yourself things. Some things still require actual teachers, of course, but the Bible? There've been people studying it for literal millennia. There's plenty out there to learn from on your own. 

If Trump can set up a “college,” anyone can do it.

This sounds like it would be right up the Rodrigueses’ alley, as well as within their price range. I can’t help wondering if they’ve inquired about enrolling Samuel and Gabriel.

John Shrader might consider enrolling his kids and his so-called “converts,” too. However, knowing John, he’ll rapidly get into an argument with the board over some obscure doctrinal issue. I would pay money to watch a John-vs-Gary preaching throw down. John has the advantage of being literate. Gary would just keep saying “It Bible,” until he eventually has a temper tantrum and stomp off in a huff. 

[shesinsane]

I asked if King James Bible College was accredited and was told they accept credit cards, checks, cash, and Paypal. 

I'm joking, of course, I'm too lazy to emial. The replies @thoughtful shared are the target audience; people who don't really care about the college part of King James Bible College. 

[thoughtful]

The loving couple was back in church last night - Becky sitting alone while Gary chatted with a man before the service.

Glutton for punishment that I am, I decided to listen to the rest of Sunday night's service, with Todd Monaghan preaching.

After reading the obnoxious political take on the grasshopper and the ant, he says "There's so much truth in that," and doesn't refer to it any further.

He talks about preaching in a jail that day ("five or six hands went up for salvation"), tries to be funny by saying there were no deaths at the mixed martial arts camp (I guess the congregation knows when and where that was, because he doesn't specify - it sounds like it's something the church is doing while he's there).

He talks about some more people he led to salvation, rattling off stories like he's reading a list. It all sounds so predatory to me. He says there was a "young man" (I'm guessing teen or pre-teen) hanging around watching while they were having the martial arts camp: "I waved him in, and he didn't - he wasn't he wasn't coming, um, Grant and Brother Tim went out to talk to him."

He said he wanted to compete, they got his parents to sign him up for the camp, and "he came in, I asked him about salvation, he - I was able to lead him to the Lord and he got to compete, which was good amen."

"Um, this morning _____ (?)* church started, I knew there was a young man that hadn't been there for a while, and two visitors, and the Holy Spirit said to me 'What's the point of them listening to this message as a child of the devil? Why don't you have them get dealt with right now?' So I - I asked them, 'Hey, do you guys know where you're going to go when you are to die?' And they said, 'No.' And then there was another li'l guy, he was just lookin' like well, don't leave me behind, so I asked him, and, ummm . . . "

He finds someone in the congregation, points to them and goes on, "You and your sister went and dealt with them and they trusted ChrisetheLor'an'savior, which is a blessing amen?"

* It sounded like June, and the captions agree, but that doesn't make any sense.

Spoiler

He says his thank yous, sounding bored, tries some jokes about how he'd call his son funny-looking, but everyone says the kid looks just like him, so he must be handsome.

After asking someone for a prayer, he says the title of his message is "never let a tragedy go to waste," then says "You know who doesn't let tragedies go to waste? Ummm, the government doesn't let tragedies go to waste."

So, maybe the idiotic version of the ant and grasshopper does have something to do with his message.

More later.

 

[AmazonGrace]

IDK but I'd never confide anything to any of these preachers because you know they will use you as the punchline in their next sermon.

[postscript]

It’s morning and my eyes aren’t focusing yet - I initially read this guy’s name as “Toxic Monaghan.”