Bro Gary Hawkins 22: The Church of Random and Unnecessary Capitalization

[Xan]

I listened to the guy speak about the King James Bible College.  (My apologies is this has already been covered.)  It's 48 courses that will cover the entire Bible.  Each course cost about $30.  If my math is correct, that Bible diploma will cost someone $1,440.00.  He assured the listeners that the instructors wouldn't be taking a salary or getting commissions.  That money is to cover "operating expenses" like mailing out, emailing, and grading.  (Wouldn't paying for grading constitute salary?)

Ah -- expenses.  That's the David Rodrigues cover too.  It's interesting how inventive people can get with the general term "expenses".  The instructors are supposed to grade the papers which we're told will be things like multiple choice, fill in the blank,  or true and false.  I guess it's the cost of those pencils, the electricity for the computer, etc.  Any excess will go to world evangelism like missionaries, mission organizations, evangelists, or special needs for certain churches. 

Every course will have you learn 5 Bible verses.  You have to average 80% on all your coursework to get your certificate -- er, "Bachelor Degree in Bible".  You can work at your own pace and even teenagers can take the courses.  They'll try to have the website up "in a couple of months" so that's not even ready yet.

This is a nice little grift if they can manage to keep it going without screwing it up.

[postscript]

Thank you for listening so the rest of us don’t have to. I was tempted to give that one the eyeroll reaction. It sounds like they randomly picked a figure that’s affordable to their prospective audience without preparing an actual budget or business plan. Chances of there being money left over after expenses are slim to none. If there is any money left over, it will go to sketchy missionaries like Gary and the Rodrigui, 

That coursework sounds like it’s geared more toward middle schoolers, not high school or college students (then again, given the level of education most of their prospects have, middle school might be appropriate). Only 5 verses per course? That sounds ludicrously easy. And if you understand test-taking (which their students probably don’t), multiple choice and true/false tests are easy to game. I often do the MeTV quizzes on Facebook, and usually do well even if I don’t know the shows, simply by process of elimination. 

[Xan]

I think this "board" got together and decided they could use a couple thousand dollars each so why not start a college?  After all, they believe that the KJB is the inerrant word of God so it's right up their alley.  Either they grade some answer sheets or they pay a teenager to do it for them.  They don't even have to understand what they're teaching.  It's perfect.

[postscript]

They also seem to think they’re going to be turning away a flood of potential applicants when their enrollment will likely be in the single digits and most of those will only take a couple of courses before dropping. They’re unlikely to pass out many completion certificates.

I can’t help wondering who might be induced to enroll at this Bible “college?” Jim Bob Duggar wouldn’t pay for any form of higher education for his kids. Sketchy as the Bateses are, this is too sketchy even for them. The Rodrigues boys would be good prospects, as long as they earn their own fees. David and Jill wouldn’t pay for their girls to attend - fewer coffee outings for Jill - and the girls can’t hold jobs that would cover their expenses. The Shrader kids would also be good prospects, but at some point John would fall out with the “board” over some obscure theological point and take to his bed in a huff, posting lengthy rants about being attacked by Satan. 

[Jasmar]

The Rods are a maybe for the girls, I think. They paid for Nurie (and Kaylee) to do a very similar Bible certificate thing. I can’t remember all the details, but I think it was partly in person, partly correspondence. 

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Jasmar said:

The Rods are a maybe for the girls, I think. They paid for Nurie (and Kaylee) to do a very similar Bible certificate thing. I can’t remember all the details, but I think it was partly in person, partly correspondence. 

The name is unforgettable to me. It was the Ripley School of the Bible, or, as I like to think of it, Ripley's Believe it or Burn.

https://www.ripleybaptisttemple.org/ripley-school-of-the-bible/

Edited August 12, 2023 by thoughtful
punctuation

[Expectopatronus]

I would have more faith (see what I did there) in Ripley than in Bro Gary’s program. I’m assuming that Crown College can at least write a coherent sentence. 

[thoughtful]

Gary cuts and pastes, and doesn't credit whoever wrote this (it's standard Gary crap, so it's no surprise that he agrees, I'm just annoyed at not getting any juicy Garyisms or misspellings):

Spoiler

 

Warning - weenie gravy with tomatoes picture under spoiler:

Spoiler

 

[Hane]

[thoughtful]

Comments under the weeny gravy picture (I'm with Jim, and Barbara needs to watch her phrasing!):

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

My eyes!  My eyes!  I know you warned us, @thoughtful, but that was worse than I expected.  

As best I can figure, Becky must fry the hot dogs in order to have the grease to make the roux for the gravy.  She fries the hot dogs, adds in flour, lets it slightly brown, and then puts in the milk.  She dumps the whole thing over biscuits.  Then she tops it with sliced tomatoes.  That's revolting.

[thoughtful]

Carol is a born diplomat.

[thoughtful]

Jim got more specific. Then, so did Gary. I wonder if Becky's cooking would help Charles' punctuation.

[thoughtful]

And now we present . . . Stranger Than Gary!

Spoiler

He wants to get arrested for Jesus, just like Gary. But do you want to go to the electric chair, Hank?

https://www.facebook.com/hank.maggard1?comment_id=Y29tbWVudDo2ODkwMTgwMzkxMDI2NzM2XzY1NjY0Mjk3OTQ2Njg5MQ%3D%3D

[Ozlsn]

On 8/9/2023 at 5:10 PM, Hane said:

I fought tooth and nail to get vital documents stored electronically and to institute digital signature procedures. They finally caved in.

Can you tell that, five years post-retirement, I’m still traumatized?

So. I work at a large employer, and my area deals with high volumes of contracts. We went to electronic signature when we were locked down and working remotely due to covid in 2020. In 2021, when we were back on site with hybrid working, the former director tried to re-institute wet signing, including wanting us to only submit documents for signing if we were on site (so delay or come in if it was a WFH day). He gave up when all of us who needed something signed stood in a queue near his desk and gossiped - apparently it was disturbing the leadership team. (It may also have impacted our productivity, not that I cared). It was one of - although still not the weirdest - of the many 'WTAF are you thinking and why are you such a micromanaging dick?' moments through covid.

 

[Ozlsn]

On 8/11/2023 at 7:24 AM, Xan said:

I read an article recently where a minister was surprised that a number of his congregants believed that Jesus was "too weak".  Trump might eventually leave the stage but I'm afraid the damage of Trumpism will linger.

Given that American Republican Jesus is essentially being replaced by some... really, really weird and idealised image of Trump I'm not that surprised. Middle-eastern man telling them to care for the needy and vulnerable in society? Definitely woke, ARJ/DJT would tell them to drink concrete and harden TF up.

[thoughtful]

Gary's back to haranguing us to go to church:

He and Becky are in church this morning, so I guess he feels safe being smug - er, I mean - encouraging people to seek God.

[Xan]

Does he mean "that JESUS" as opposed to other Jesuses?  

(Which leads me down the rabbit hole into a memory of "Penultimate Supper" -- a British skit by mostly Monty Pythons where Michelangelo paints three Jesuses.  "That fat one balances out the two skinny ones.")

[postscript]

50 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's back to haranguing us to go to church:

He and Becky are in church this morning, so I guess he feels safe being smug - er, I mean - encouraging people to seek God.

A church that preaches the Bible, not their opinions? Good luck finding one, Gary. Nearly every preacher you associate with preaches exclusively their opinions. You only consider them “Bible” because you agree with them. 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Xan said:

Does he mean "that JESUS" as opposed to other Jesuses? 

You joke, and I'm sure that, in this instance, he meant "a church that preaches Jesus as the only way," and just had his usual issues with punctuation and words.

But there is a verse about having the wrong Jesus, and an idea that goes with it - 2 Corinthians 11:3-4. Gary and his ilk love accusing other denominations, and even Baptists they consider weak, to be "preaching another Jesus," because they interpret things differently.

Quote

3 But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

4 For if he that cometh preacheth another Jesus, whom we have not preached, or if ye receive another spirit, which ye have not received, or another gospel, which ye have not accepted, ye might well bear with him.

 

[thoughtful]

More comments under the weeny gravy post:

Hey, Charlie, I don't see a menu or recipes in Revelation.

Quote

Revelation 19:9; And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.

Gary was in church without Becky this evening.

[Xan]

There's a song in there somewhere... "They're Making Gravy in Heaven".

I wonder if this group still performs...

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Xan said:

There's a song in there somewhere... "They're Making Gravy in Heaven"

My first thought was to parody Heaven, Heaven:

I got a spoon,
You got a spoon,
All God's children got spoons!
When I get to Heaven gonna ladle up gravy;
I'm gonna slurp all over God's Heaven,
Heaven, Heaven, Heaven,
Everybody talkin' 'bout gravy ain't gettin' some,
Gravy, gravy,
Gonna slurp all over God's Heaven!

Spoiler

 

It seems there are hymns and songs about the wedding feast of the lamb:

https://hymnary.org/text/in_the_souls_bright_home_beyond_the_sky#

Bach's Wachet Auf invites us to be the wise brides and go marry Jesus, but, I'm sad to say, says nothing about gravy:

Spoiler

 

https://www.bach-cantatas.com/Texts/BWV140-Eng3.htm

[AmazonGrace]

Oh thinkin' about all our former meals
There was only you and me
you would cook and I would eat
Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

Gravy is all that I want
When it's lyin' here on my plate
I'm findin' it hard to believe
Weenies in heaven
And food is all that I need
And I found it there on my waist
Isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven

Edited August 14, 2023 by AmazonGrace

[thoughtful]

Healthful eatin', hardworkin' Farmer Gary wants us to know: