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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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15 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

The Pastor has pass away and a new search for a Pastor.

You don't suppose Pastor pass away from the COVID, do you? From the church FB page on August 1:

Quote

 

REOPENING IN THE MORN, BACK IN SIDE THE CHURCH.

10:00 AM W S - 11:00 AM SOCIAL DESTINING PRACTICED.LETS FILL IT UP. AMEN "PASTOR".

 

In his obituary it says "The family requests that everyone wear a mask and observe social distancing guidelines." Nothing about their destining, though.

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OK folks, I haven't been posting much since the fire but I've been lurking. At my work just now I was sent this file to work on. It's the Authentic Amish Gary Bed and I felt the need to share it with you all, haha! (Also we are having weens for dinner tonight, but they are not red). I miss interacting with everyone and hope to be back active soon! Until then, enjoy the Gary bed.

Authentic Amish Gary Bed.jpg

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5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

The Pastor has pass away and a new search for a Pastor.

Gary's ability to use language has pass away and a new search would probably be fruitless.

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You're in my state, Gary, and I believe I already sent you notice about that. 

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Wednesday evening service at New Life Community Baptist Chapel in Loris, SC. As the Hawkinses get settled around the piano, someone calls from the congregation, "Do you want us to put our masks on?" Gary laughs loudly and heartily. ?

They drone It's About the Cross. After they sing, Gary yells Amen twice, then says "Jacob, get mah stuff and bring it to me please."

I wonder if he says please when he's not in front of a church. Also, Gary, I have never seen Becky come to a piano without whatever book she needs, and she takes it right back to her seat. How hard is that, really?

Gary's "It's good to be in church, amen?" is really unenthusiastic and draggy. I don't know how much of today's storm he had to deal with, driving from NC to SC, but I bet he wishes he was already somewhere in the southwest. Or maybe he's being quiet and solemn because they just suffered a loss.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+1%3A1-9&version=KJV

He stumbles and fumbles and screws up much of it -- all "est" endings become "eth," of course.

So, it sounds like Gary is going to comfort them, and assure them that God is still with them, even though their leader has died. And how does he start? While flipping through a steno pad and not making eye contact, he says:

"Now, awana say, ah didn't need to drahve all way from North Ca'olina, Winston-Salem, down here to tell you that Brother Fox passed away. You already know that, amen?"

Gary, when you do your "ah won't preach at your funeral if you ain't lived right routine" with your relatives, you may be "incouriging" them to go out and do wrong, just to make sure you won't!

He goes on, still flipping through the pad, which distracts him and creates gaps: "But ah will say this much - it is sad tahms, mournin' tahms, and it is hard ta  - lose  - loved ones amen - 'n' friends - ah unnerstand all that. . . . but - here's what you need to remember - just like Jesus - the Lord God told Joshua . . . 'ah chose you.' Now ah hear you say 'well, maybe everybody that comes here on a pretty regilar basis prob'ly should hear this' but, guess what? They're not here, amen? So, the ones that'll hear it'll be the ones that show up, amen?"

So, does this mean that the usual Wednesday crowd didn't show up? Is Gary pissed about that?

He goes on to "incourige" them not to give up. He says he "unnerstands" that Brother Fox was a good man, and stumbles through saying something about looking at "his page" (online obituary, I think) and how one of his daughters or grandchildren "or whatever" posted a memory of her "dad or grandfather or whatever." Gary posted that he enjoyed fellowshipping with Brother Fox. Brother Fox could talk, and he had some stories - "good stories, funny stories, sad stories, he had some stories."

But Brother Fox has run his race, like "Timothy told uh, or Paul told Timothy. "

"You kin either be a Timothy, you kin be a Joshua, you kin be whatever character in the Bahble you wanna pick - just pick one of 'em and carry on."

Character? Oooooh Gary, you bad boy, implying that the KJV is fiction!

It's been awful, but at least, up to now, it's been original. But now the Garyisms start.

Spoiler

People who don't go to church check to see if your car is in the church parking lot every time there is a service. The woman who stood out in the rain to hear him preach when they did a tent revival there. What is appointed once to man to die. If the Lord tarries His coming, people are going to continue to die. We all know that that devil's real amen - all ya have to do is look at what's goin' in the politician world and our election and all of this. Eve was perfect (he used to think his wife was hahah), and the devil still deceived her. We are in the last days, and people don't care about God. Am ah makin' sense tonight? Real quick-lahk. All things are possible with God. Ah've got a comforter. Keep spreadin' Jesus. Gary's got tracts, if you need them. Gary goes all over the country so others can know there's Hell to shun and a Heaven to gain. The good news is we ain't gonna be here much longer. When they get near the ocean, he has to take Becky for her "sand therapy."

"Amana tell you this much - hey, we unnerstand, people come, people go, people dah, 'n' all the different kahndsa things."

Deep.

This is your place. Finding a real good church is "like a puzzle puttin' together."

Gary goes on for a while about how sometimes we just need to listen, his mouth gets him in trouble, sometimes he should just shut up.

I'll believe it when I see it.

While reminding them to stay strong, he talks about his diet - at least he's somewhat gracious about all of the people who have helped him (and Jesus, of course), and about people who can't lose weight for medical reasons.

He says if Brother Fox could "look over the banners of heaven" (I think he meant banisters) and see them, he'd want to know they are still singing, still in church.

"Fox don't wanna come back." He's got that glorified body now.

"One these days, the raht guy's gonna walk in this door. And listen -  You're not gonna have to ask him. And he's not gonna have to tell you. Ya say how do you know? It's gonna be a puzzle. You will know! Ya say how do you know? It's just the way it is! It's just the way it's gonna work."

He makes finding a new pastor sound like something from a romance novel or a pop tune.

 

 

Edited by thoughtful
riffles
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 Thoughts from Gary. He's a poet and he didn't know it.

Spoiler

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Gary, I don't think there is any fishing enthusiast, doctor, or artist that can cast the lake of fire.

Folks, hell is a place without Friends. They may show Cheers and Seinfeld, though, if you ask nicely enough.

Spoiler

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Gary did a video at the ocean, at Myrtle Beach. Today he gets to swing the phone around in all directions, because there's "nobody, ah mean nobody" there.  Interspersed with lots of preaching, he says:

"When ah get close to the ocean, ah have to bring mah wife, so, here we are."

"Good tahm of the year to come down here - no - no nekkidness raht here on this part, amen and uh so."

"If there was anywhere in the world that mah wahf would live, if the Lord would let her, it would be on the ocean, amen?"

? It's not the Lord preventing her from living near the ocean, or anywhere else, Gary - it's the idiotic folie à deux you two share, that you are called to wander and preach.

He makes sure we know that he don't care anything about the ocean - he enjoyed the mountains when they were there.

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Becky has been posting. I love that the comments on the first one are a mix of fellow-paranoiacs and people who have no clue what she's talking about.

Spoiler

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She thanks Gary for her trip to the beach:

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I can get behind this, Becky, although I think we wouldn't agree on who's who:

Spoiler

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15 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Becky has been posting. I love that the comments on the first one are a mix of fellow-paranoiacs and people who have no clue what she's talking about.

I do wonder if some of those agreeing think they are agreeing to that sinking feeling that this is real, the government is doing little to nothing in their area and apparently doesn't care if they get sick and die, the hospitals are under stress, and there are a lot of people still pretending it's 2019. 

Hey I can hope for enlightenment!

Hi @PumaLover, nice to see you again! Hope things are going OK.

Edited by Ozlsn
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On 12/15/2020 at 12:22 PM, thoughtful said:

When he said "chandelore" for chandelier (a word he has pronounced correctly in the past), it made me think somebody in the family has been watching the Mandalorian and discussed it near him, and his brain made a mandalor-chandelor linguistic monster.

Or maybe this guy?

Spoiler

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(This is the Pokemon Chandelure.)

I'm glad he takes Becky to the beach when he can, since she likes it so much.

I also am a little horrified that he jokes about giving his mother a kidney. I mean, if she really needs one and is on the transplant list, shouldn't he have been typed already? I would really not be happy about having to go through the pain and inconvenience of having to donate a kidney, myself, but if one of my parents or sisters needed one and I was a match I'd do it. I'd probably start a go-to-me fund to help cover the fact I'd be out of work for a bit, but I'd do it. That's just what family does.

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12 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

I do wonder if some of those agreeing think they are agreeing to that sinking feeling that this is real, the government is doing little to nothing in their area and apparently doesn't care if they get sick and die, the hospitals are under stress, and there are a lot of people still pretending it's 2019. 

Hey I can hope for enlightenment!

It would be nice, wouldn't it? But I have no doubt whatsoever she is talking about Joseph R. Biden and all of those competent people he wants to have in his cabinet.

14 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Hi @PumaLover, nice to see you again! Hope things are going OK.

Now this I can fully agree with! Hope you have time to post more soon, @PumaLover.

11 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

pm0609_00_chandela_256_ktx.png.479d2afe837fb227ed007fcd5f7e8510.png

(This is the Pokemon Chandelure.)

Ah - thank you! That's a reference I wouldn't have known. If someone else in the family has an interest in either Pokemon or the Mandalorian, I hope Gary hasn't caught on, because they'd be in for lectures galore about the evil World.

But, I imagine that a lot of talk goes on around Gary that he never really absorbs or understands, and he doesn't ask what words mean if he hasn't heard them before. So he's probably overheard a lot of things that haven't really sunk in.

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18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, when you do your "ah won't preach at your funeral if you ain't lived right routine" with your relatives, you may be "incouriging" them to go out and do wrong, just to make sure you won't!

I strongly suspect Gary has relatives who actually live quiet, law abiding and Christian lives but who embellish stories of exploits to shock Gary and get him to go away. I know I would be tempted.

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary goes on for a while about how sometimes we just need to listen, his mouth gets him in trouble, sometimes he should just shut up.

A glimmer of self-awareness, instantly quashed.

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Gary wonders why everyone can't be just like the LORD and for get.

Spoiler

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So not one Believing that GOD will soon if the democrat get in. That's not KJB.

Gary, that's not English.

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And, he did a live video.

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He decides to stand up.

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I love the idea that Gary is self conscious enough to think he looks silly sitting down too low, but now thinks he and his environs look fine. This is where he's being hosted (for free, I assume) in South Carolina.

Lots of tooth sucking in this one.

He makes sure we know he has his Trump hat on, and that he's a Trump man from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, amen, and that he even sanctifies his hats and clothes, amen. Um, Gary, that's what you said about God and Jesus - are you sure you meant to say that you sanctify your wardrobe to Trump?

He rambles for a bit about when he used to live near where he is in SC, and his Daddy starting a church there, in incoherent sentence fragments, as is his wont.

He talks about when he tried to start a church in South Carolina. He tells us about the people in Loris who need a new pastor, and how he preached there, and kept it short and didn't even get excited, because they just needed someone to (and he says this, I think, five times) "incourige" them. They even started late because they spent so much time just fellowshipping first, and if you have a problem with that, "you kin take it up with God and yourself, and your self-righteousness, amen."

Is there anything about which this man is not defensive? I can just picture him going through his whole day like this:

Ah'm gittin' out o' bed, and if you have a problem with that, you take it up with Gawd, amen, 'cowse he laid it on mah heart to stand up. Ah'm puttin' on slippers, and if you think ah should go barefooted to the restroom, you have a right to be wrong amen. Ah'm urinatin', and if you don't like it, too bad, amen. Ah ain't doin' #2 yet, because ah need to walk around and have some coffee to get that goin', and ah don't care whachu think about that. HAYMAYUN! Ah'm brushin' mah teeth, and yes ah'm usin' Crest, bought at Walmarts, and if you don't lahk it, you can just talk to God about your attitude, amen. Ah'm puttin' on a robe, because goin' down to breakfast in PJs is akin to nekkidness, and that's just KJB, the LORD told me to do that, whether you lahk it or not, amen. Ah'm havin' Special K and 1% milk, becowse God is supportin' me in tryin' to lose weight, and if you think that's wrong, you better git in your prayer clowset and ask Gowd about it, amen.

Exhausting.

Anyway, back to the video.

Most of it is general Garycrap, and he doesn't know why he's saying what he's saying, except that the Lord wants him to say it.

In his "lots of people are dyin'" spiel, he snaps his fingers and says "they're snappin' off, they're snappin' off." They are people, Gary, not twigs.

If steppin' into a church will save you, then, every time you step into a garage, you turn into a car.

He rants about bad music that's "wicked as Hell" in other Bible-believin' churches, and lists lots and lots of towns and whether or not they still have "good churches."

"But, uh, they say somethin' about 95 - ah95 - when ya git past ah95, there, ya don't see much, too much snow, real cold weather much, very often. Well, the same way with churches.

:confusion-shrug:

Gary, I-95 runs north to south, so passing it doesn't have anything to do with how much snow and cold one encounters. Not to mention that it has nothing to do with the number of churches.

This then turns into his usual rant about needing preachers to take on churches, and plant new ones, so Gary has places to stay for free and indulge his ego, for the glory of God. We need Gowd-called preachers, not Daddy-called, not Momma-called, not wahf-called, not wahf-henpecked, not sugar-coatin'.

"An' ah'm not - listen hey, mah wahf and me, she  - me and mah wahf work together in the ministry. Now, she is the, uh, she is mah helpmeet that Gawd give me. But you know what, sometimes she got a good head on her shoulder 'n' she does a lot of good things for the Hawkins Family Ministry. She helps Gary Hawkins out a whole lot. She don't preach, she plays the piana. She don't preach, she sings. Amen? But a women's got a place in a ministry. Ah don't keer what nobody says. Ah don't keer what your preacher says. Read your Bahble. Helpmeet! It's a helpmeet to be for the house, it's a helpmeet for the ministry, HAYMAYUN!"

He swaggers a bit, making a pissy face.

They finally found someone to take over Bethel Independent Baptist.

He struggles to figure out how many more days there are in 2020.

He makes sure we know Mary was a virgin when she had Jesus. "Ah could care less what Dr. Fungus says." :confusion-shrug:

If you don't believe in a dress code, you don't believe the Bible.

With more finger-snapping: "People are dahin', by the gross."

And people need more "pastures" and churches, so they can get the Gospel out and save everyone before they die.

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1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

This then turns into his usual rant about needing preachers to take on churches, and plant new ones, so Gary has places to stay for free and indulge his ego, for the glory of God. We need Gowd-called preachers, not Daddy-called, not Momma-called, not wahf-called, not wahf-henpecked, not sugar-coatin'.

Welp, you just may have lost JRod with that rant

Thanks, again, @thoughtful for your excellent recaps. I wouldn't have the stomach to handle more than a couple of minutes of the real thing.

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

If you don't believe in a dress code, you don't believe the Bible.

For some reason this cracked me up. Is this a Biblical dress code? Should Gary be wearing this?

Spoiler

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he could convert the tie into a scarf.

If course he might get hot in summer, so maybe ancient Egyptian-esque dress? Very Biblical!

Spoiler

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Of course Gary is more of a peasant, so probably more likely this:

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yeah I know, the mental image...

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2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He talks about when he tried to start a church in South Carolina. He tells us about the people in Loris who need a new pastor, and how he preached there, and kept it short and didn't even get excited, because they just needed someone to (and he says this, I think, five times) "incourige" them. They even started late because they spent so much time just fellowshipping first, and if you have a problem with that, "you kin take it up with God and yourself, and your self-righteousness, amen."

Is there anything about which this man is not defensive? I can just picture him going through his whole day like this:

Ah'm gittin' out o' bed, and if you have a problem with that, you take it up with Gawd, amen, 'cowse he laid it on mah heart to stand up. Ah'm puttin' on slippers, and if you think ah should go barefooted to the restroom, you have a right to be wrong amen. Ah'm urinatin', and if you don't like it, too bad, amen. Ah ain't doin' #2 yet, because ah need to walk around and have some coffee to get that goin', and ah don't care whachu think about that. HAYMAYUN! Ah'm brushin' mah teeth, and yes ah'm usin' Crest, bought at Walmarts, and if you don't lahk it, you can just talk to God about your attitude, amen. Ah'm puttin' on a robe, because goin' down to breakfast in PJs is akin to nekkidness, and that's just KJB, the LORD told me to do that, whether you lahk it or not, amen. Ah'm havin' Special K and 1% milk, becowse God is supportin' me in tryin' to lose weight, and if you think that's wrong, you better git in your prayer clowset and ask Gowd about it, amen.

................................

"But, uh, they say somethin' about 95 - ah95 - when ya git past ah95, there, ya don't see much, too much snow, real cold weather much, very often. Well, the same way with churches.

:confusion-shrug:

........................................

"An' ah'm not - listen hey, mah wahf and me, she  - me and mah wahf work together in the ministry. Now, she is the, uh, she is mah helpmeet that Gawd give me. But you know what, sometimes she got a good head on her shoulder 'n' she does a lot of good things for the Hawkins Family Ministry. She helps Gary Hawkins out a whole lot. She don't preach, she plays the piana. She don't preach, she sings. Amen? But a women's got a place in a ministry. Ah don't keer what nobody says. Ah don't keer what your preacher says. Read your Bahble. Helpmeet! It's a helpmeet to be for the house, it's a helpmeet for the ministry, HAYMAYUN!"

........

He makes sure we know Mary was a virgin when she had Jesus. "Ah could care less what Dr. Fungus says." :confusion-shrug:

I love the "defensive Gary morning routine".  ?

I'm always surprised that none of Gary's fan base ever tells him to take over one of these faltering churches.  But, you're right.  He just wants more places to guest preach so he can get those love offerings but not have to do the work.

You'd think that, with the number of miles Gary's travelled, he'd understand how I95 runs.  

And his "helpmeet" speech is nauseating.   No, Gary.  Becky was not put on this earth just to help your sorry ass.

And who is Dr. Fungus?  Does he mean Dr. Fauci?  If so, I'm not aware that Fauci has weighed in on Mary's virginity...

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This guy's tie hangs even lower than Gary's!

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BTW, that rant about Becky sounded defensive, it seemed to me, against people who think Becky does too much or has too much say or control in their "ministry."

I don't know if anyone has said or implied anything, or if Gary is just tilting at the windmills he always thinks are attacking him.

But the mind-blowing thing is that I think he was defending how important Becky is to their work. Yes, that "helpmeet that God gave me" speech is Gary's version of a woman-defending rant. That's about as close as he may ever get to valuing a woman for her skills and intellect, and standing up for her value in the work he thinks is important.

 

17 minutes ago, Xan said:

I love the "defensive Gary morning routine".  ?

Thank you - it's hard to stop! I almost went all the way to midday! I could have covered the whole lunch/dinner/supper naming controversy!

17 minutes ago, Xan said:

And who is Dr. Fungus?  Does he mean Dr. Fauci?  If so, I'm not aware that Fauci has weighed in on Mary's virginity...

He has ranted before about biblical scholars who research actual Greek, Aramaic and Hebrew, and how they say horrible things like "alma" just means "young woman," not necessarily "virgin."

He always called whoever he is talking about by some insulting variation of his name, and I've never been able to figure out who these people are.

Of course, the controversy over whether "alma" means "virgin" depends on assuming that passages in Isaiah have to be prophecies about Jesus, rather than something written for the people of an earlier time, that have nothing to do with Jesus at all.

Edited by thoughtful
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22 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Of course, the controversy over whether "alma" means "virgin" depends on assuming that passages in Isaiah have to be prophecies about Jesus, rather than something written for the people of an earlier time, that have nothing to do with Jesus at all.

Thank you.  I wasn't aware of why Gary was upset about that particular translation.  Google led me to some interesting info about it::

Spoiler

 

We all know the story of the Virgin Mary in the Bible, and the Immaculate Conception that led to the birth of baby Jesus. However there has recently been speculation regarding the use of the word “virgin” with regards to Mary. The reason for this speculation being that it has been discovered that in the original Hebrew text the word “ha-almah” was used, a word similar to the English “young” or “maid”. The mistranslation occurred when this text was translated into Greek, where the word “parthenos” meaning virgin is used. The Hebrew word for virgin is “bethulah” and cannot be found anywhere in the original Hebrew text, meaning that the original writer did not intend for it to be read as “virgin” but as “young” girl.

This error in the text begs the question, was it really a mistake? Or was it purposeful? Taking into account that the word “virgin” is not in the original text it is quite a leap from young to virgin, especially in the context of religion. Moreover if this was only a mistake imagine a world where Mary was just an average, young girl. How much would this change things? On the other hand there are others that argue that it was not an error but that the word virgin was strategically chosen instead of the word young, the end result being that Mary was held above other women and led a holier existence.

In his book Orpheus, the Hebrew scholar Salomon Reinach wrote that, “As early as the second century B.C. the Jews perceived the error and pointed it out to the Greeks; but the Church knowingly persisted in the false reading, and for over fifteen centuries she has clung to her error. The mystery and questions over the choice “virgin” remain unsolved to this day.

 

So -- yes.  The Greek translation was likely erroneous.

Edited by Xan
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"Santan Clause" sounds like something that would be in one of Sidney Powell's briefs.

Tell your children the true!

He does have a point, as badly as he expresses it, about telling kids about make-believe figures that they eventually find out are not real, then expecting them to believe in God and Jesus. As someone who grew up without the Santa and tooth fairy myths, I have always thought it was taking a chance, if you expect your kids to believe in God for their entire lives.

 

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Here's the video, if anyone wants to tackle it.

 

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16 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Santan Clause" sounds like something that would be in one of Sidney Powell's briefs.

Tell your children the true!

He does have a point, as badly as he expresses it, about telling kids about make-believe figures that they eventually find out are not real, then expecting them to believe in God and Jesus. As someone who grew up without the Santa and tooth fairy myths, I have always thought it was taking a chance, if you expect your kids to believe in God for their entire lives.

 

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Here's the video, if anyone wants to tackle it.

 

Okay.  Watched it.  Preacher Sluder thinks that Santa is a counterfeit Jesus.  He's wearing red, folks.  It says somewhere in the Bible that Jesus would come back wearing red.  And Jesus is supposed to come back with white hair.  Guess who else has white hair?  That's right -- Santa Claus.  Jesus was a carpenter and Santa makes wooden toys.  Santa is from the North Pole and in the book of Solomon it says that Jesus is from Mount Zion "on the sides of the north".  Santa is omniscient.  So is Jesus.  Wow.  This Sluder needs to make a movie.  He's like a fundie Dan Brown!

He goes on (and on and on).  Santa makes a list and checks it twice to see who is naughty or nice.  Jesus keeps a book of life and notes who is saved and who isn't.  Jesus loved children.  So does Santa.  Santa says "Ho Ho".  So does Jesus.   "Zechariah 2:6-13 --  King James Version   -- 6. Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the Lord: for I have spread you abroad as the four winds of the heaven, saith the Lord".

Here's his big point.  Santa is called "Saint Nick".  "Nick" is another name for Satan.  They've fooled us.  We all need to get our heads out of the sand and tell the children that the presents came from the Lord.  That way the children are grateful to people who actually exist and they're grateful to God.

I get not lying to your kids.  But thinking that "the world" is trying to pass off Satan as Santa is just a bridge too far.

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Spoiler

image.png.5aac887526cb65405b013cb9c10a9c33.png

 

A new Garyism (and one I can imagine my father having said) - "rapid" for "rampant."

Spoiler

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Gary, you sack of shit, everywhere you go, as you make a point of saying and showing us, almost nobody "hace" the mask on.  It's people like you, and the evil shits from Trump's administration that wanted people to die off in the hopes of herd immunity, that have allowed it to run rampant.

And I have no idea what word he wanted where he typed/said "quit."

 

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Gary doesn't know about tommorow. Tomorrow, on the other hand . . .

image.png.6039ca332bd000398cea9b6972ea0ad6.png

Edited by thoughtful
I had partially corrected one of Gary's riffles by accident.
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9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary doesn't know about tommorow. Tomorrow, on the other hand . . .

image.png.6039ca332bd000398cea9b6972ea0ad6.png

Tommorrow, and tomorrow, and tommorow creeps in Gary's speech to text from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded "huh?"

While all his "yessterdays" have blighted those who read his screed on death.

Out, out, strange errors! Use but a goodly spell check, a proof-reader, one who speaks and reads more widely than yourself, who sees your fault and fixes -

To leave a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

1st Editorialians 1-5

Edited by Ozlsn
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