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Stormy

Myka Stauffer of The Stauffer Life: Where's Huxley???

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Howl
9 hours ago, Giraffe said:

https://people.com/parents/youtuber-myka-stauffer-rehome-adopted-son-with-autism/. Here's a People article on them. There's a link to their video.

I also hope they don't adopt again. @SuperNova, for what it's worth, I didn't feel any empathy for them in that video, either. 

I just found the People article through a twitter post.  It reminded me of the situation with Arkansas state representative Justin Harris and his wife Marsha  (extreme fundies who ran a Christian pre school)  who were determined to adopt two young sisters (ages 3 and 6) even through the adoption agency told them they weren't a good fit (they had several sons, no daughters).  The Harris' came to believe the girls were demon possessed and ended up "rehoming" them to a former aide who sexually assaulted at least one of the girls.  However, when the girls were placed with in homes with people trained in therapeutic parenting, they were adopted and are reported to be thriving.  This was covered in a fj thread in 2015, but I can't find it using the search option. 

My hope for Huxley is that he is with people who love and understand him and can help him thrive.  

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Xan

Buzzfeed has a big article on this today too.

This isn't a family that I usually follow but it does sound like other fundie families who have adopted and then "rehomed" children.  That poor little boy.  How must he have felt when he was told his mother and father were sending him away?  I hope he has a loving family now.

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JermajestyDuggar

I’m sure Huxley is much better off in the new family. However that doesn’t absolve these horrible people. Over the last decade, some countries have closed off adoption between them and the US. And I’m glad. If you want to help children in other countries, donate money to reputable groups that help these children instead of using your white savior complex to take them away from everything they’ve ever known. Then rehoming them once it gets too hard.

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fundiefan

I've glossed over this topic because I had no clue who this chick is and didn't want a new rabbit hole. 

I just read about her on CNN & of course, the name struck me. So, here I am reading. 

And, I'm sick. 

Because i cannot form complete thoughts right now I will only say this - I hope wherever that little boy is now, he is loved, adored, respected, cared for - and given a decent name. WTF is "Huxley" and who in their right mind would saddle their poor child with it? 

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JermajestyDuggar
Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, fundiefan said:

I've glossed over this topic because I had no clue who this chick is and didn't want a new rabbit hole. 

I just read about her on CNN & of course, the name struck me. So, here I am reading. 

And, I'm sick. 

Because i cannot form complete thoughts right now I will only say this - I hope wherever that little boy is now, he is loved, adored, respected, cared for - and given a decent name. WTF is "Huxley" and who in their right mind would saddle their poor child with it? 

He knows that name by now so hopefully they keep it. It’s not a great name but changing it is worse. He is going through so much change that it’s best to just keep it. And if a nickname developed organically, then that’s ok too.

Edited by JermajestyDuggar

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PennySycamore

As the grandmother of two wonderful girls with special needs from China and one grandson on the autism spectrum (the three are cousins), all I have to say about the Stauffers is this:

FUCK YOU, STAUFFERS, WITH A CHAINSAW!

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LeftCoastLurker

As the mother to two beautiful daughters adopted from China, this story has made me sick to my stomach! 🤮

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JermajestyDuggar

Her oldest daughter is not her husband’s bio child. I wonder if she’s afraid they will get rid of her too since she isn’t James’s bio child. 

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hoipolloi
3 hours ago, Howl said:

It reminded me of the situation with Arkansas state representative Justin Harris and his wife Marsha  (extreme fundies who ran a Christian pre school)  who were determined to adopt two young sisters (ages 3 and 6) even through the adoption agency told them they weren't a good fit (they had several sons, no daughters).  The Harris' came to believe the girls were demon possessed and ended up "rehoming" them to a former aide who sexually assaulted at least one of the girls.  However, when the girls were placed with in homes with people trained in therapeutic parenting, they were adopted and are reported to be thriving.  This was covered in a fj thread in 2015, but I can't find it using the search option. 

@Howl -- I think that this the Arkansas case you're referring to. It was horrific. I'm glad that the children in the case are in a much better home situation than having to stay with those fundie fuckwads, Justin and Marsha Harris.

The Arkansas Times did an incredible job on reporting about this case and the troubled systems of foster care and adoption in AR.

 

 

 

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JermajestyDuggar
23 minutes ago, hoipolloi said:

@Howl -- I think that this the Arkansas case you're referring to. It was horrific. I'm glad that the children in the case are in a much better home situation than having to stay with those fundie fuckwads, Justin and Marsha Harris.

The Arkansas Times did an incredible job on reporting about this case and the troubled systems of foster care and adoption in AR.

 

 

 

Interesting tidbit: It’s reported that the Harris’s  attend Cross Church. Yes the same church some of the Duggars were married in and they sometimes attend. 

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Glasgowghirl
27 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Her oldest daughter is not her husband’s bio child. I wonder if she’s afraid they will get rid of her too since she isn’t James’s bio child. 

This is a horrible situation and I wonder if all the children in some way feel that if they are bad then they will be sent away. 

I am not a fan of any of their children's names. 

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Pleiades_06
Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, katilac said:

I don't know what things are like in other countries, but I've come to detest the relentless American narrative of every child deserve a forever family and that you are supposed to instantly love a child you really don't know, and they're supposed to instantly love you back, and the kids are instantly supposed to think of you exactly the same as the siblings they've know since birth.

My father was adopted and I’m grateful my grandparents bonded with him and considered him their own. Some family members didn’t and it was crushing. 

With proper social workers and counseling, every child should have a forever family. Outcomes are much better for them than for kids passed around or in group home settings. I’m a teacher and we’ve discussed this for years. Here’s an article on outcomes: https://www.umass.edu/ruddchair/research/mtarp/key-findings/outcomes-adopted-children-and-adolescents

It’s important that adoptive parents understand the risks and benefits, especially with special needs kids. I think this has been romanticized to a certain extent in the media and with the Instagram/YouTube Mommy crowd.

7 hours ago, ignorantobserver said:

It would be more reasonable to allow some kind of compromise between the sentimental, overbearing, completely hypocritical "love" that our culture expects from adoptive parents, and the cold, professionnal detachment that foster parents are asked to exhibit

Children deserve love. Growing up in a cold, clinical environment is more detrimental than anything. And adoption DOES work, just not for everyone. Hell, lots of biological parents can’t bond with their kids either.

Edited by Pleiades_06
Wrong article linked due to wonky Internet

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hoipolloi

How was Huxley's adoption accomplished: through a US agency or church group, or through working directly with the Chinese government?  The Stauffers' explanatory video implies that they were misled or misinformed about Huxley's health but it isn't clear whose responsibility it was to tell them or if there even was anyone -- say a US adoption agency -- to follow up with them or provide oversight of the adoption process.

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Pleiades_06
Posted (edited)

Wow even the BBC is reporting about them.

I’m off put  by the fact that they knew he had brain damage but decided to go ahead because “God softened” their hearts. 
 I didn’t realize they funded the adoption through YouTube. And they homeschooled him. Maybe get some professional help for a child with special needs??
 

Spoiler

They said revenue from sponsored videos would pay for the adoption. They also asked followers to donate $5 towards supporting their son's needs, promising to write donors' names in a baby book.

 

Edited by Pleiades_06

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Howl
1 hour ago, hoipolloi said:

@Howl -- I think that this the Arkansas case you're referring to. It was horrific. I'm glad that the children in the case are in a much better home situation than having to stay with those fundie fuckwads, Justin and Marsha Harris.

The Arkansas Times did an incredible job on reporting about this case and the troubled systems of foster care and adoption in AR.

What stood out to me with the Harris case was their adamant refusal to listen to professionals who told them the adoption was not a good fit and Justin Harris used his influence as a legislator to push it through.  Then the horrible "rehoming."

Again, I emphasize, when the girls were finally placed with someone trained to help them (not fundamentalist idiots who thought they were demon possessed), they were able to begin to heal and grow.  Kind of a thread drift. I'll leave it alone for now, but  sheesh with the homeschooling for Huxley.  Public schools can have resources and people trained specifically to help. It does sound like the Stauffers consulted professional help, but who knows what the real story is. 

Is this is the end of the social media gravy train for the Stauffers?  Had they been up front with their story...who knows. 

 

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Glasgowghirl
40 minutes ago, Pleiades_06 said:

Wow even the BBC is reporting about them.

I’m off put  by the fact that they knew he had brain damage but decided to go ahead because “God softened” their hearts. 
 I didn’t realize they funded the adoption through YouTube. And they homeschooled him. Maybe get some professional help for a child with special needs??
 

  Hide contents

They said revenue from sponsored videos would pay for the adoption. They also asked followers to donate $5 towards supporting their son's needs, promising to write donors' names in a baby book.

 

They apparently made no effort to learn his native language either and got annoyed when he didn't understand him. They did do some therapy with him but if they had maybe got more therapy for him and maybe looked into a pre school or daycare that had experience with children with additional needs and gotten themselves parenting classes too things could have gotten better for them. They have a new baby to use as a prop so Huxley was cast aside and was no longer useful to them, so they got rid of him. 

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FiddleDD

It had been suggested on other sites (and I can't help but wonder) that they didn't expect him to live long. When they adopted him the information that were given was that he had a brain tumor. (Someone on another site said large but I never followed them so I can't be sure) It turned out not to be true, but they didn't know that when they brought him home.

Personally, if I was picking a child to adopt I can't imagine choosing one that had a brain tumor. It would be terrifying. I would consider a lot of more severe special needs first. My knee-jerk reaction to learning this was that they either didn't expect him to live long or that he was the more physically attractive choice. (Which sadly seems a likely consideration for an"influencer")

I really prefer to think the best of people, but people like the Stauffers really make it hard. Poor Huxley.

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kiwi

In one of her pre adoption updates she states that a neurologist in the US reviewed Huxley’s CT or MRI and told them that she didn’t recommend them proceeding with the adoption.

So she can’t claim to have been in the dark about his medical history. She clearly stated that they went with their hearts in other words - an adopted chinese toddler fit her aesthetic.

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JermajestyDuggar
29 minutes ago, kiwi said:

In one of her pre adoption updates she states that a neurologist in the US reviewed Huxley’s CT or MRI and told them that she didn’t recommend them proceeding with the adoption.

So she can’t claim to have been in the dark about his medical history. She clearly stated that they went with their hearts emoji849.png in other words - an adopted chinese toddler fit her aesthetic.

So many evangelicals and fundies have such hubris! Just like the Harris’s they were not recommended to adopt and they went along and did it anyway. They think they can handle anything with Jesus. And when they realize they can’t, the children are given away. 

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older than allosaurs
17 hours ago, katilac said:

Adoptive parents are supposed to love a child they've never met with all of their heart, supposed to consider them 100% their child and part of the family before they even meet them. Same for kids already in the family. And I just honestly don't think it works that way. Humans aren't really wired for that. I don't believe the best people in the world can love a 3-yr-old they've seen a picture of in the same way they love the 3-yr-old that they've had since birth or close to it, but that's what people are expected to feel and say.

Those aren't the only options. You can be 100 percent committed to a child you have never met, and you can let the love develop over time. The truism that love is an action as well as a feeling has a lot to be said for it. My first child came to us at two weeks and I was a goner the minute I held her. The second was going on two, and a real little pissed-off (understandably) handful. I didn't have that same head-over-heels experience, and that was a little scary. I had to trust that it would come, and it sure did.

I don't have the bio child experience for comparison, but one of those now-grown daughters adopted a traumatized three and a half year old. She says her love was instant, as much or more than she felt on first meeting her own birth child. I adore both my grandkids.

I think a lot of what is wrong with adoption is the either/or kind of assumptions that people make: You either love your child instantly and entirely or you've failed; they can love your or they can love their first family, but not both; your other children will either completely accept them or all is lost.

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hoipolloi
1 hour ago, kiwi said:

In one of her pre adoption updates she states that a neurologist in the US reviewed Huxley’s CT or MRI and told them that she didn’t recommend them proceeding with the adoption.

In September 2019, this is what she was saying about their understanding of Huxley's health, pre- and post-adoption:

Quote

His special need was listed [in his adoption file] as brain damage and once we finally reviewed his file, it stated that he had a brain tumor...When we came home, we experienced a big surprise with inaccurate file information. Our son ended up having a stroke in utero, has level 3 autism, and sensory processing disorder. It took a lot of time to process and to readjust to his new diagnosis. We spent 10 months preparing for brain tumors and never once did I read about autism or stroke damage—it was a curve ball. 

She also says that they worked with an adoption agency.

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Trying to understand
Quote

 

I’ve watched quite a few videos over the past couple of days. I’m not a professional and do not know this family or this child.  However I do work with people with disabilities and have seen all kinds of brain damage and levels of autism.  From what I can see it appears Huxley has severe autism and mild brain damage as well.  When most people hear autism they think of aTemple Grandin, or the movie “Rainman”.  Severe autism is not “cool” or “fun and quirky “ it is heartbreaking.  Severe autism means the individual is nonverbal, and usually doesn’t communicate at all, by any means. They cannot express themselves and as a result often have severe outbursts.  I have seen refrigerators tipped over, have had co- workers have their noses and arms broken by clients.  I have had conversations with parents who have said “ I will never know if my child loves me” and one haunting time an adoptive parent of an adult say “ if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have adopted him, it’s my biggest regret”  I have watched adult siblings struggle with caring for their sibling after parents passed away, not actually knowing how to care for their sister and as a result were emotionally spent.  Severe autism is complicated, hard and draining for care takers.  It also is beautiful. One young man a care for has a smile that reaches your soul, another arranges all his things by color and it always makes me smile. Another doesn’t let the fact that he can’t communicate stop him from getting what he wants, and walks behind the snack counter at the movie theater to get his own popcorn.  I absolutely love my job, but I have seen how hard it is for families.  I don’t condone them giving him back, they should have researched more before they got him, they shouldn’t have had a baby after him. They did everything wrong, but they couldn’t give him the care he needs or deserved. Hopefully he is with a family that will love him even if he can’t show them the love back, hopefully he will get the right kind of therapy. I think he is better off. 

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JermajestyDuggar

I can’t say how many times I’ve seen people who have adopted overseas say they were not aware of or not told of a child’s special need, disability, etc before they adopted. You have to go into it knowing you don’t have the full story. You have to go into knowing this child might have some pretty severe special needs and praying won’t fix it. 

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kiwi
I can’t say how many times I’ve seen people who have adopted overseas say they were not aware of or not told of a child’s special need, disability, etc before they adopted. You have to go into it knowing you don’t have the full story. You have to go into knowing this child might have some pretty severe special needs and praying won’t fix it. 

They went into it knowing he had some brain damage and/or a brain tumour. Yet he had a CT or MRI (cant remember which she said) done in China and this was read by a US neurologist who advised them NOT to proceed!

She really cant complain that they were blindsided, they knew something was up, maybe not definite, but they had some information to make an informed decision on.

The RAD is likely to be from being in foster/whatever care in China, then shipped home with the family. Myka never really seemed like she bonded or formed any attachment to him, it appears from vlogs he was pushed away when he seeked her out for comfort. He was berated and bullied publicly (online) for behaviours he likely has no control over (biting, thumb sucking, throwing tantrums, etc).

They cant expect a child with his special needs to conform to the norms of their other children. He really looked like a sweet wee boy who was lacking the attention and love. He actively seeked her out multiple times (filmed and uploaded) and we can see her pushing him away and/or setting him on the floor when he was crying and upset. Im sorry but if my kid didnt talk and had special needs and wanted a cuddle and to be comforted, id do it - wouldnt you?

This whole situation makes me feel ill. Lets hope their biological children dont have anything wrong with them, imagine the shit someone would get if they “rehomed” a biological child after 2-3 years because of the childs medical needs. Especially when they are in a position financially to support and get the help they needed for him.

They fundraised $5 donations which uncovered 1/1000th of a photo of huxley. That is how they revealed him to their followers, paid piece by piece. His first introduction photo earned them $5000.

As someone said above, i wouldnt have put it passed them to adopt huxley knowing he had a brain tumour and thinking it was terminal. Think of all the clickbait that would have. And how devastated they could pretend to be about it. All the while raking in the cash.

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Tired
OutoftheShadows
Posted (edited)

Her name sounded familiar to me so I checked my insta, and sure enough I was following her. I unfollowed immediately (this was yesterday afternoon) and at the time she had 163K followers. As of this evening she’s up to 177K. Up 14K in 24 hours! I hope this is just a blip and they all fade away into obscurity. 
 

She’s getting reamed in a lot of the comments. I wonder why she doesn’t have them turned off on all pictures, a la Jill Rodrigues. 

Edited by OutoftheShadows
Another thought

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