Chelsy and John Maxwell 7: Not as Beige as Maxhell - Yet

[usmcmom]

My mom and I are in a rough place right now but I will give credit where it is due. She was ansolutely amazing when each of my children was born. With the first, she stayed a whole week with us and then drove to our house (70 miles, round trip) after work every day for the first six months or so. She was so in love with our baby boy. With the second, she spent another week and was invaluable in helping with our toddler while I cared for a newborn. She was always available and very eager to spend time with me and our kids, especially during those hectic baby years  

For my sister's babies. she flew to Oklahoma from Illinois and then got in a single engine plane piloted by my brother in law to make it to their house in the middle of nowhere. 

I was really surprised and sad for Chelsy that her mother did not make an effort to be with her for the delivery, especially since it sounds like it was a difficult birth.  

[PennySycamore]

I wasn't there when either my third or second daughter delivered although I was there during labor.  Both of them had emergency c-sections and I was not in the OR with them.  I was able to see the new mom and baby very soon afterwards though.  When my second daughter had her subsequent babies,  I stayed home with the older kids, changing diapers, feeding them their breakfasts, lunches and dinners, reading stories, wiping noses, playing Thomas and watching Peppa Pig on my laptop.  I can't imagine not being there.  

[Baxter]

Just another example of fundie hypocrites, telling everyone that family is important but obviously only when it is convenient. 

My mom wasn't with me when I delivered my first child (by my own choice, I only wanted y husband there). But she came to the hospital shortly after my son was born and spent the whole day there with us. She also came over right after we got home from the hospital to help out, which I really appreciated. She lives close by so she was able to help me a lot the first little while. 

When I go into Labour with baby #2, she is going to stay with my son and then will bring him to the hospital once baby has been born. 

In contrast, my in-laws weren't around when our son was born and actually went to a friend's party when they returned before coming to see our son. This time they will also be away. My MIL told my husband that if the baby was born in July rather than June, then they would, which isn't a helpful statement. This is all deeply hurtful to my husband. 

I'm sure Chelsy is hurt and disappointed that her mom and Allison could not be there for her. But I doubt she is allowed to express that. She just has to keep a smile and pretend that everything is OK. 

[Jana814]

4 minutes ago, Baxter said:

 

I'm sure Chelsy is hurt and disappointed that her mom and Allison could not be there for her. But I doubt she is allowed to express that. She just has to keep a smile and pretend that everything is OK. 

I’m sure she’s not allowed to express this also. I don’t think she knew what she got herself into when she married John.  

[usmcmom]

Before I had children, an older friend was talking to me about her daughter who had just delivered her first child. This friend told something she had learned from HER friend, a retired labor and delivery nurse:

"A woman is more ready to be a mother if she, herself, has been mothered during and right after childbirth."

I really hope I can give that to my daughter if/when she becomes a mother. I can't imagine NOT nurturing her through those first few weeks. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I only have boys so I don’t know what would be expected of me. My boys are so young that I have no clue if they will even have children one day. I may never be a grandmother. Who knows. But I would be there for them if they want me to be. 

[OhNoNike]

My mom was with me in the delivery room with my first, but it was really only because my daughter was born near the year anniversary of my dad’s death and I was really feeling like it would be special for her.  She generally lays low and doesn’t want to get involved (not because she’s a jerk, but because that’s how I prefer things).   My daughter has my moms name as part of hers and we didn’t share before she was born, so she was in the room when I announced the name and I’ll never forget that sweet moment.  I do with she was there for my second daughter’s birth but she was with my older kid at the time.  

Having said that, she really only held a leg and otherwise kept out of the way.  After my first I asked no one to be around for a week and she respected that (more than my MIL which I’ve never forgotten about).  

I have a friend who was hellbent on being in the delivery room with her daughter and I think that caused issues between the daughter and son in law.  I think it’s great for the mom to be there if it works for all parties, but I’m really independent, myself, and so I do somewhat disagree with the statement that you need to be mothered during childbirth.  My mom was at mine but I wouldn’t say I was “mothered”, and what I wanted was really to be alone after giving birth and I wanted that to be respected. I think it depends on the personality.  

I have two girls and would love to be there when they have kids, but more than just because I’m their mom - I love love deliveres.  I wanted to be a midwife and for a bunch of reasons that didn’t happen.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the delivery room and would love to see more birthdays.  (That was an autocorrect for “births”, but I’m leaving it.)

[PennySycamore]

@OhNoNike, my mom was in the birthing room when I had my last baby and so was my third daughter. She was 5 1/2 and in the afternoon session of kindergarten so she had something special for show-and-tell that afternoon.  I'm not sure that the teacher ever had another kindergartner say that she got to see mom have a baby that morning.

[SassyPantswithASideofClass]

My mom and best friend were in the room when I was laboring with munchkin. When things turned a little more hectic, my mom let my best friend take the reins in a sense. Poor mom couldn't handle the sight of blood, guts and watching her daughter (myself) be uncomfortable. Not being able to make my pain go away made her so upset. Once munchkin was born, she was able to help care for her grandbaby and myself. Needless to say almost 2 years later, she and my dad have a huge soft spot for munchkin. Munchkin LOVES them too.

[Hane]

When my daughter told me that she and her husband would be the only ones in the labor/delivery room, I entirely respected their decision. I can’t think of any advantage to my presence other than my ego. As the daughter of an overbearing mother, I wanted to respect my own child’s adulthood and autonomy. (YMMV, of course, and this is by no means a slight against women who decided differently.)

Edited April 3, 2019 by Hane

[Ozlsn]

I only had myself and my husband there for the delivery... well, and the 15 people in the surgical, anaesthetic, NICU and midwifery teams. (I spent about half the prep wishing I'd shaved my legs.) My mum was outside waiting (that wasn't planned, she came down to visit the morning the ultrasound showed he needed to come out), and went up to see him in NICU. After I was discharged she came down every Monday and stayed with us until Friday so she could drive me to the hospital for the first six weeks. My in laws were still running a business at that stage but between my mum and my husband's mum I don't think I cooked for 3 months. I actually feel really sorry for Chelsy - even with a perfectly routine labor and birth it's still a massive adjustment, and family help and support is so valuable.

[EmainMacha]

I'm kind of glad I only have boys. I think I'd be a liability in a delivery room. I'm fine in stressful situations in general but surgical theatres and delivery rooms make me a bit queasy. Not a good trait in someone who is meant to be acting as a support.

My mum was with me in early labour with my first. Told me off for taking the Lord's name in vain while high on gas and air. It was just husband in delivery room after that! That said she was very good after the birth when I was very ill. She sat by me, fed me and hydrated me. I felt very cared for. Totally forgave her the earlier chiding!

 

[JermajestyDuggar]

5 hours ago, EmainMacha said:

I'm kind of glad I only have boys. I think I'd be a liability in a delivery room. I'm fine in stressful situations in general but surgical theatres and delivery rooms make me a bit queasy. Not a good trait in someone who is meant to be acting as a support.

My mum was with me in early labour with my first. Told me off for taking the Lord's name in vain while high on gas and air. It was just husband in delivery room after that! That said she was very good after the birth when I was very ill. She sat by me, fed me and hydrated me. I felt very cared for. Totally forgave her the earlier chiding!

 

I think I’m also probably better as the mother in law to the pregnant person. I’m probably better at cooking and cleaning while mom is at the hospital instead of being in the delivery room. I don’t freak out at the sight of blood or needles but I am a little over empathetic with my kids and seeing my child in extreme pain would make me just cry the whole damn time. I bet I would be useless. 

[EyesOpen]

My mother passed away before I had children. She was a nurse. To be honest, I’m not sure if I would have had her in the room or not. She was very anxious when it came to me. She always thought I was frail and fragile even though there’s no evidence that’s the case... my mother in law on the other hand loves me like her own. She was in charge in that delivery room advocating for me with the doctors and nurses and right there with us through delivery. For number two she was at home with the toddler and 3 was an emergency and she was in the waiting room with my poor husband who didn’t know if he was leaving with a wife or a baby. Dad in law has the two boys that time. Having our family with us was important and helpful but having the right family with level heads etc made it work. I honestly don’t know if I could have had my mom there and I know I couldn’t have had my dad there. He’d have needed more medical attention than me!

[Hane]

@EmainMacha, I first learned about gas and air back in the ‘70s, in a British book outlining a new mother’s pregnancy history. Ever since then, I have been resentful that gas and air isn’t available in the US!

[FloraDoraDolly]

1 hour ago, Hane said:

@EmainMacha, I first learned about gas and air back in the ‘70s, in a British book outlining a new mother’s pregnancy history. Ever since then, I have been resentful that gas and air isn’t available in the US!

Based on what I've gleaned from watching "Call the Midwife" it looks like it helped a lot! I asked my mom if they had it in the USA at the time I was born (about 5 years after the date of the current season), but she had never heard of it. 

[Hane]

10 minutes ago, FloraDoraDolly said:

Based on what I've gleaned from watching "Call the Midwife" it looks like it helped a lot! I asked my mom if they had it in the USA at the time I was born (about 5 years after the date of the current season), but she had never heard of it. 

Yeah—it seems never to have been a US thing. I’ve heard of mothers in labor being knocked out with ether in the first half of the 20th century, though. My mom was put under with scopolamine in 1952 when she had me, and woke up with a sore throat. She asked the nurse if the drug had caused it. The nurse said no—the sore throat came from all the yelling you did during delivery. With scopolamine, apparently you feel all the pain but forget it afterwards. Mom also had a huge episiotomy and I was delivered with forceps. The family doctor who saw me when I first got home saw how banged-up I looked and asked whether I’d been “delivered with a goddamn shovel.”

Good times. And yet my mother insisted that her birth experience was “better” than the uneventful “natural childbirth” I’d chosen for myself. 

My daughter had an epidural and, immediately after birth, looked better than I had at my wedding.

[PennySycamore]

@Hane,  I was just reading an article the other day about an experienced sailor who had a psychotic break while sailing from Beaufort, SC down to the Caribbean, attacked the captain and ended up jumping or being swept overboard.  His scopolamine patch, which he used for his sea sickness, was to blame for the psychotic break.  Also, if you saw the episode of Mad Men where Betty gave birth, she had been given scopolamine.  

Nitrous oxide is occasionally used in labor in the US and its use might be growing.  

[lilith]

You guys don’t have gas and air? I wonder why it never became a routine part of obstetrics there?

if it’s any consolation, I found it pretty useless. It just made me feel kind of removed from the pain/reality, which was better than nothing but still not enough to prevent me asking for pethidine and being incredibly grateful to the midwife who administered it.

[Botkinetti]

I had gas in Canada in 1989 with my second birth. I asked about an epidural before I even sat on the bed but I was too far along. It was a very fast labor. I delivered 1 hour after I got to the hospital so the gas definitely helped me a lot. I have recommended it to other women.

[JermajestyDuggar]

1 hour ago, Botkinetti said:

I had gas in Canada in 1989 with my second birth. I asked about an epidural before I even sat on the bed but I was too far along. It was a very fast labor. I delivered 1 hour after I got to the hospital so the gas definitely helped me a lot. I have recommended it to other women.

I had an extremely fast labor as well. I think gas could have helped since I had nothing for pain relief. But it wasn’t offered. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

We were right! Axton does have the eyes that see directly into your soul ?

[JillyO]

Dear God, that baby has SEEN. IT. ALL.

[Howl]

7 minutes ago, JillyO said:

Dear God, that baby has SEEN. IT. ALL.

Old soul?

[JermajestyDuggar]

18 minutes ago, JillyO said:

Dear God, that baby has SEEN. IT. ALL.

If he’s spent a lot of time at Steve’s “church,” he has seen it all. Poor kid probably already wants to make a break for it