Jinger and Jeremy- God Defend New Zealand (Aotearoa)

[nausicaa]

21 minutes ago, Incognito22 said:

If this question is too personal please ignore and my apologies.  As a later in life baby did you ever feel cheated because your parents were older or like your life was different than your friends? I only ask because I've spent the last few decades in education settings and now that I'm finally ready financially, mentally, and emotionally I'm 37.  I've traveled and done everything I wanted to do.  Now, that's pretty much all that's missing in my life.  I just wonder if it's selfish this late in the game.   I thought someone who had older parents might be a good resource.

I'm not the OP, but I do have older parents and I never felt cheated. I'm a big advocate of older parents actually (within reason, not Tony Randall style). I think the wisdom, patience, and stability outweigh any perceived disadvantages. And I think the disadvantages are greatly exaggerated-- it's not like people fall off a cliff physically at 35.

Also, maybe it's the area I live in, but around here a 37 year old woman having her first child is not unusual at all. I just went to the baby shower for a 36 year old woman this past weekend and she didn't seem "old" at all to me. Several of her friends still didn't have children, and the college roommate throwing the shower had a four month old.  It's only really noteworthy when I see a woman in her late forties having her first child. I live outside D.C. though, so this is definitely a regional thing.

[JesSky03]

18 minutes ago, Incognito22 said:

If this question is too personal please ignore and my apologies.  As a later in life baby did you ever feel cheated because your parents were older or like your life was different than your friends? I only ask because I've spent the last few decades in education settings and now that I'm finally ready financially, mentally, and emotionally I'm 37.  I've traveled and done everything I wanted to do.  Now, that's pretty much all that's missing in my life.  I just wonder if it's selfish this late in the game.   I thought someone who had older parents might be a good resource.

My mom was 34 when I was born and my dad was 40. For the most part I did not feel cheated growing up. My dad was still pretty active and would do all the typical dad stuff with us like sledding, roller coasters, piggy back rides, etc. However my dad did have 3 kids with a different woman in his early 20's. I am jealous that their kids got to have the fun grandpa and mine will have the aging grandpa who can't do much because now both his knees have given out on him and he can't just do what he used to. But I try to remind myself how unfair that is. I am obviously glad to have been born and even if my dad can't be as active with my kids, he will still be a good and loving grandpa to them. Plus life doesn't always go to plan and pregnancy doesn't always happen when you want it to. Life, work, school, fertility all get in the way. 

Plus late 30's and 40's is nothing compared to my husband's dad who had 2 babies in his 50's. I cringe a little when I think of how old he will be when she graduates from high school and hope he will be around when the youngest starts having their own kids. 

[SassyPants]

My mom was the oldest child, 15 years older than her youngest sister. I am 6 years younger than my aunt. My GP was 53 when my aunt was born and my GM was in her late 40s. My aunt lost both of her parents before age 35. Losing both of your parents at a young age is the biggest downfall to having older parents.

 

[front hugs > duggs]

My mom was 40 when I was born (my dad was only 30). My mom and I were definitely not as close compared to friends and their parents, but that probably only started when I was about 13 that I really felt a larger generational gap. I remember I had a friend over and we were cuddled on the couch watching TV and my mom asked if I was a lesbian! I also found it more awkward having those types of period and sex talks with her, but maybe that could have been more of our own awkwardnesses as opposed to age.

Agree with the above poster- I lost my mom this summer. She was only 66, which I find really young, these days especially when people are living a lot longer. But going through all of her pictures, and yearbooks, and newspaper clippings and such, she really did a lot in her life. While she never traveled the world like she wanted to (she had only left the country when she briefly lived in and had visited Canada), she did spend a summer in the 70's following a local band and being a groupie (apparently she had even met Dolly Parton!). She had three kids in three different decades. She had lived as mentioned in Canada, California, Florida, and New Jersey. While these things may not seem like a big deal, she lived forty long years before I even entered the picture. I guess these little things help me feel better in my grief thinking she was taken too young.

I never felt cheated though by her having me late. Both my older siblings were oops babies, and I kind of feel special knowing they had specifically wanted me and felt sooooo happy to have me (even though my dad badly wanted me to be a boy).

[BemusedByFundamentalism]

2 hours ago, Incognito22 said:

If this question is too personal please ignore and my apologies.  As a later in life baby did you ever feel cheated because your parents were older or like your life was different than your friends? I only ask because I've spent the last few decades in education settings and now that I'm finally ready financially, mentally, and emotionally I'm 37.  I've traveled and done everything I wanted to do.  Now, that's pretty much all that's missing in my life.  I just wonder if it's selfish this late in the game.   I thought someone who had older parents might be a good resource.

I have no problem answering your question, so no worries :-)

It took me some years to realise that I had older parents than most other kids in my class. As I got older, say around 8 years old, I was aware of the fact that my parents were older, but it didn't bother me. To me, their age was normal and I thought other parents were really young! :-) Kids logic I guess ;-)
It wasn't until puberty hit me that I would feel ashamed sometimes if I was asked how old my parents were (now I know that when you're in puberty, you can feel ashamed about almost everything parent related, so I wouldn't count it as a serious problem).
Sure there were times where I thought that we as a family didn't or did do certain things because of my parents' age, but as I grow older I realise that parenting is different for everybody and that there will be young parents who do things otherwise than expected and vice versa. I never felt cheated or like my life was different than my friends' life, because of my parents' age.
I never thought of my parents as selfish for having me later than average. Each person has its own reasons for having children later in life. Whether it's because of fertility issues or the time just not being right earlier, they are legitimate reasons in my opinion.
I have a good friend that had parents of average age, but she lost her mother to cancer when we were 20 years old. What I'm trying to say is, life gives us no guarantees. The only thing you can do, is love your child(ren) unconditionally and enjoy your life together as long as you can.

My advice to you, would  be to follow your heart. If you feel that a child is missing in your life, and you have the ability to possibly change that, then go for it. I don't think you would be selfish at all.

 

[justmy2cents]

@BemusedByFundamentalism That's very reassuring to hear. I'm an older mom.  Had my daughter in my early 40's. She's almost six and so far she doesn't care.  She is aware that I'm older than most of her friends mothers. There may come a time when she's embarrassed. All I can do is love her and nurture her to the best of my ability. @Incognito22 I was alone when I made the decision to become a mom. I'm very lucky that it happened and she's brought a lot of joy to my life. At your age you wouldn't even necessarily be considered an older mother. 

[Incognito22]

Just now, justmy2cents said:

@BemusedByFundamentalism That's very reassuring to hear. I'm an older mom.  Had my daughter in my early 40's. She's almost six and so far she doesn't care.  She is aware that I'm older than most of her friends mothers. There may come a time when she's embarrassed. All I can do is love her and nurture her to the best of my ability. @Incognito22 I was alone when I made the decision to become a mom. I'm very lucky that it happened and she's brought a lot of joy to my life. At your age you wouldn't even necessarily be considered an older mother. 

Thanks for the response.  It's very helpful in my decision.

[Four is Enough]

One was born when Mr. Four and I were 37. Two, we were just about to turn 40. Although Three and Four didn't come along until a bit later, Three was born when we were still 40 and Four was born when we were 41. Our social worker told us, when we were planning to adopt them at 49, that we were considered a "young" family because of having One and Two. 

Now we are 62, and One is being supported through grad school, and Four is in college, Two isn't living wiht us, and Three is freeloading. THIS is not the fun part of parenting as an older person. We'd like to travel more and while we can afford SOME travel, we'd like to be at a more free place. I mean, we can leave them at home alone, but ...We also want to downsize the house SEVERELY and they're still in it!

[QuiverDance]

19 hours ago, Bad Wolf said:

But the evil pill causes miscarriages according to their Christian doctor. 

So I am no Fundie nor am I a birth control opponent, but I do think being on the Pill for so many years contributed to my infertility.  It may not have been a direct cause, but it certainly masked a problem, and I waited so long to get pregnant that it was difficult to treat.  Not only that, it made me fat and sick and crazy.  

[JesSky03]

19 minutes ago, QuiverDance said:

So I am no Fundie nor am I a birth control opponent, but I do think being on the Pill for so many years contributed to my infertility.  It may not have been a direct cause, but it certainly masked a problem, and I waited so long to get pregnant that it was difficult to treat.  Not only that, it made me fat and sick and crazy.  

I'm with ya. I used to say the pill was the best thing ever because I no longer had periods that left me at home writhing in pain causing me to miss work and school, and I knew exactly which day my period was coming every month. But after several years my depression got worse, I was so irritable all the time, I had no sex drive and the little sex we did have was painful. I made the decision to stop the birth control and felt 100x better emotionally. The cramps and pelvic pain are back but I think I might have endometriosis that the pill helped mask and will be deciding soon if I want to undergo the surgery to find out for sure. So while I still support birth control, I no longer recommend the pill to women unless it's truly their best option. It is definitely not one size fits all. 

[Jana814]

We have a family friend who had her one & only child at 42 in 1983 when it was not common at all. She husband was older (he was in his later 40's or early 50's and had 2 grown sons). She always looked older to me. But she always had tons of energy and although she's now fighting cancer she is still alive. Her daughter is now 33 & she just turned 75. 

[CreationMuseumCurator]

3 hours ago, BemusedByFundamentalism said:

I have a good friend that had parents of average age, but she lost her mother to cancer when we were 20 years old. What I'm trying to say is, life gives us no guarantees. The only thing you can do, is love your child(ren) unconditionally and enjoy your life together as long as you can.

That whole post was wonderful, but this is my favorite part. My parents had me around average age, and I lost my mom in my early 20s when she was only 51. Mr. Curator's parents were both 38 when he was born, and they're still doing great nearing their 70s. You just never know.

[emscm]

4 hours ago, Incognito22 said:

If this question is too personal please ignore and my apologies.  As a later in life baby did you ever feel cheated because your parents were older or like your life was different than your friends? I only ask because I've spent the last few decades in education settings and now that I'm finally ready financially, mentally, and emotionally I'm 37.  I've traveled and done everything I wanted to do.  Now, that's pretty much all that's missing in my life.  I just wonder if it's selfish this late in the game.   I thought someone who had older parents might be a good resource.

Not the OP, but I also have much older parents. My mom was 42 and my dad 45 when I was born. I also have four fully biological siblings aged between 22 and 16 when I was born (I only mention because you sometimes see huge age gaps in blended families but I was just an oops baby). I never felt like I missed out on anything and I have an awesome relationship with all of my siblings and my parents. I have nieces and nephews around the same age as me and when I was growing up I looked up to my siblings as more parent like figures and my nieces and nephews were close to me like siblings. I kind of got the best of both worlds of being an only child and having siblings at the same time. I always did have a sense that my situation wasn't the average and had to do a lot of explaining when I talked about my family. 

Now that I am older the only downsides I am experiencing are the anxieties of having aging parents when I am so young (I'm 30 and my parents are 72 & 75). But I know that I really did keep my parents young for a long time and this is something that I was going to have to go through sooner or later. 

You're not being selfish at all! I think it's the opposite. If you're financially and emotionally ready you're going to set your children up for a great life. Having older parents is awesome in a lot of ways, and I'm really thankful for all the extra privileges I got because my parents were older when they had me. 

[Jana814]

8 minutes ago, emscm said:

Not the OP, but I also have much older parents. My mom was 42 and my dad 45 when I was born. I also have four fully biological siblings aged between 22 and 16 when I was born (I only mention because you sometimes see huge age gaps in blended families but I was just an oops baby). I never felt like I missed out on anything and I have an awesome relationship with all of my siblings and my parents. I have nieces and nephews around the same age as me and when I was growing up I looked up to my siblings as more parent like figures and my nieces and nephews were close to me like siblings. I kind of got the best of both worlds of being an only child and having siblings at the same time. I always did have a sense that my situation wasn't the average and had to do a lot of explaining when I talked about my family. 

Now that I am older the only downsides I am experiencing are the anxieties of having aging parents when I am so young (I'm 30 and my parents are 72 & 75). But I know that I really did keep my parents young for a long time and this is something that I was going to have to go through sooner or later. 

You're not being selfish at all! I think it's the opposite. If you're financially and emotionally ready you're going to set your children up for a great life. Having older parents is awesome in a lot of ways, and I'm really thankful for all the extra privileges I got because my parents were older when they had me. 

Loved your story. I know of someone who was a oops baby also with 3 older siblings. I think her age closest age sibling is 14 years older.  Her father died when she was in her 20's but he had pancreatic cancer but her mother is still alive and healthy. 

[emscm]

@Jana814 I am so lucky to still have both of my parents. I often feel like I was part of a whole second life for them. I was born after my dad retired from the State Troopers when he was in law school, while most of my siblings grew up when he was a Trooper. 

I'm sorry about your friend's dad. I know I have lived a very charmed life and that there will be tougher times coming sooner rather than later but like another poster mentioned, things can happen at any time and I too know a lot of people with average aged parents who lost a parent young. 

Side note: I don't find my situation strange at all, but it is a little weird to me that at 30 I am a GREAT-aunt already. And it is super weird that my brother is a grandpa! 

[NewOrleansLady]

5 hours ago, Incognito22 said:

If this question is too personal please ignore and my apologies.  As a later in life baby did you ever feel cheated because your parents were older or like your life was different than your friends? I only ask because I've spent the last few decades in education settings and now that I'm finally ready financially, mentally, and emotionally I'm 37.  I've traveled and done everything I wanted to do.  Now, that's pretty much all that's missing in my life.  I just wonder if it's selfish this late in the game.   I thought someone who had older parents might be a good resource.

 

My sons are 4 years apart.  Oldest (deceased) was 20 years older than daughter and youngest son is 16 years older than my daughter.  I had decided NO MORE KIDS after a bitter divorce-but God has a wicked sense of humour because after 5 years of singlehood (and knowing what I wanted and didn't want in a man) I found the man God had chosen for me.  He was 3 years younger, one of 9 kids and we had a lot in common.  His proposal was a complete surprise to me.  We celebrated (KWIM) and lo and behold-PREGNANCY.  I was 38, hubby was "over the moon happy".    Daughter got the best of both worlds-Parents that could provide very nicely for her (ebil  Catholic schools, dance lessons, computer when most kids didn't have one, a car, nice vacations). Her brothers became her "young daddies" and her nephews became her "little brothers"  She and her husband and kids live the next block over so I guess we are good in-laws. It was their decision to  live that close (No Compound )  She had her kiddies 10 months apart (certainly not planned that way) and she feels it was good to have her babies young so that they could have a mom  and dad that weren't tired all the time.    I guess the point I'm trying to make is you will be happy ,  no matter what age, if a little one is what you truly want.                                                                                        

[Jana814]

23 minutes ago, emscm said:

 

Side note: I don't find my situation strange at all, but it is a little weird to me that at 30 I am a GREAT-aunt already. And it is super weird that my brother is a grandpa! 

I thinks it's funny that @ 30 you are a great-aunt. I had mentained the singing Osmond family in another thread. Their youngest sibling was an uncle before 10 and a great-uncle before he had his own kids. 

[emscm]

6 minutes ago, Jana814 said:

I thinks it's funny that @ 30 you are a great-aunt. I had mentained the singing Osmond family in another thread. Their youngest sibling was an uncle before 10 and a great-uncle before he had his own kids. 

I was an aunt before I was born! It's totally strange to other people but not strange when it's all I've ever known. 

The youngest Duggar siblings have nieces and nephews super close in age to them too. Isn't Josie about the same age as Mac? I guess this wouldn't really be that uncommon in Fundieland though.  NOT that I really want anything about my life to be comparable to theirs. 

 

 

[front hugs > duggs]

3 hours ago, JesSky03 said:

I'm with ya. I used to say the pill was the best thing ever because I no longer had periods that left me at home writhing in pain causing me to miss work and school, and I knew exactly which day my period was coming every month. But after several years my depression got worse, I was so irritable all the time, I had no sex drive and the little sex we did have was painful. I made the decision to stop the birth control and felt 100x better emotionally.

How long after you stopped did a lot of those things go away? Asking for a friend......

[elliha]

My mom was 37 and my dad was 38 when they had me. Sadly I lost dad a month before my 17th birthday and mom when I was 25. My brothers and sisters are 18, 16, 13 and 10 years older than me and they also lost their parents early and were just as devastated as I was. I loved them both and yes I have cried many times because they never got to meet my husband and my kids and dad didn't get to see my graduate from high school and university. But you know what? I don't regret being born and I have a good life despite my losses. The suffering I suffered wouldn't have been less if I had been older and I would still have wanted them there for any major event if life had been different. My sister said to me not that long ago that she would have loved to have seen mom and dad be great grandparents (my oldest brother's daughter has two kids and my sister's son has one son and another two nephews are fathers to be right now) and I agree it would have been nice.

I never disliked being a child of older parents and chose to have kids at 29 (one day before my 30th birthday) and 34 and we consider having another kid in a couple years perhaps around the time I am the same age as mom was when she had me. Yes, I might die at 50 or 60 like mom and dad and that would suck, of course, but then again I may also not do that and why be anxious about that now. I was offered genetic testing my last pregnancy for clotting disorders and a heart check-up (my parents died of heart attack and stroke and my mom had had bypass surgery so she also had severe heart problems) but I decided to turn it down. I guess some will not understand why I don't want to know but I just don't. If I have any physical problems I will check myself up but as long as I feel healthy I will assume I am healthy. I need that time if I am given it.

[Fun Undies]

9 hours ago, Karma said:

@Fun Undies if I were you I'd be telling your husband that there's no sweet fellowship until he gets his swimmers tested.  That's what I did because I knew someone who got pregnant with twins post vasectomy, and we absolutely didn't want another child.  They had assumed enough time had passed since the vasectomy and surely it would be fine to have unprotected sex.  Nope, it wasn't,.

 

Lol, today's our wedding anniversary, so I'm hoping I don't have to deny myself any sweet fellowship! . . . maybe I'll just buy a microscope on prime now, get it here by the time he comes home from work, and look to see if I can find any swimmers myself
. . . but no, in all seriousness, I need to just make the follow up app myself for him, because I don't think he'll ever get around to it by himself =p

[ven]

Being considered a younger or older mother/ parents is very culturally determined . Where I come from , most parents have a third child above the age of 40 years old . In a lot of religions, where having a lot of children is applauded , being 45 or up is very common. nobody even blinks an eye. I know somebody who had a surprise at 53 years old . Just my two cents , do what you want , in your own time frame. There will always be people who think their opinion is better !  

[Fun Undies]

4 hours ago, JesSky03 said:

I'm with ya. I used to say the pill was the best thing ever because I no longer had periods that left me at home writhing in pain causing me to miss work and school, and I knew exactly which day my period was coming every month. But after several years my depression got worse, I was so irritable all the time, I had no sex drive and the little sex we did have was painful. I made the decision to stop the birth control and felt 100x better emotionally. The cramps and pelvic pain are back but I think I might have endometriosis that the pill helped mask and will be deciding soon if I want to undergo the surgery to find out for sure. So while I still support birth control, I no longer recommend the pill to women unless it's truly their best option. It is definitely not one size fits all. 

I stopped taking hormonal BC over a decade ago.  I tried a bunch of different ones in the course of two years, like five, and had severe and horrible reactions to each and every single one - frankly, it scares me how hormone changes during menopause are going to affect me.  There are many, many, women who benefit from BC, and my OB suggested a possible implant to help my endometriosis, if the uppage of advil during my next period doesn't do the job.  We'll see . . . but for people like me, it's like the absolute last resort. 

7 hours ago, Incognito22 said:

If this question is too personal please ignore and my apologies.  As a later in life baby did you ever feel cheated because your parents were older or like your life was different than your friends? I only ask because I've spent the last few decades in education settings and now that I'm finally ready financially, mentally, and emotionally I'm 37.  I've traveled and done everything I wanted to do.  Now, that's pretty much all that's missing in my life.  I just wonder if it's selfish this late in the game.   I thought someone who had older parents might be a good resource.

Not the OP, nor an "older" parent, but I just want to reach out and say that in no way, shape, or form, are you being selfish.  People can make great parents at any age, and you never know what your health will look like further down the road (people live long lives, and short lives for a myriad of reasons) - if you're healthy now, and want a child, go for it!  Your kid will love you, because your their parent, not because of your age <3

[Carm_88]

1 hour ago, emscm said:

Side note: I don't find my situation strange at all, but it is a little weird to me that at 30 I am a GREAT-aunt already. And it is super weird that my brother is a grandpa! 

My Dad was a great uncle at 26, he had me a little later that year but he joked that he was both ancient and a relatively young father. 

[FleeJanaFree]

8 hours ago, twinmama said:

That's so cute!! My best friend got pregnant either on her honeymoon or in that first month of marriage, and this was after we'd been trying for 8 months and right before we started our first IVF cycle. I was so happy for her but I was also devastatingly jealous. Thankfully I got pregnant on my IVF cycle then, so I was just 20 weeks behind her. But it is nuts how easy it can be for some.

Wow, I didn't realize that was even allowed! I thought that you had to try for at least a year to be an IVF candidate. Sorry for prying, but were there extra circumstances (past cancer? Low sperm count.) or am I just incorrect in believing you had to have a year of trying?

 

this subject kind of fascinates me, I want to adopt but feel like I can't afford it. I am also dying alone/ biological clock is ticking...