How would we snark on YOU?

[CallmeChaCha]

First, I just want to say this would be a REALLY boring show, so nobody would tune in, but here goes:

I'm kind of lazy and my house is messy.

I watch too much TV.

I'm on the computer too much.

I'm on my phone too much.

I don't have any hobbies (see above :lol: )

I complain a lot. A LOT.

I'm not really social and my group of friends is very, very small.

I always wear hoodies, don't really wear makeup, and I have a bad habit of picking my face.

~~

It's sad that we all think (know? :( ) we'd get snarked on for what we wear/don't wear [eta].

[Kelsey]

It's kind of interesting to explore this :o

1. My marriage- My headship and I tend to spend every moment together. He comes home at lunch to eat with me since I work the second shift.

2. My eating habits- I tend to have some ridiculous eating habits.

3. Number/treatment of dogs- I have dogs and treat them like my children.

4. Fashion and weight- I tend to go up and down. Can lose weight but can't make it stick, yet. Fashion- I really just have no clue so I mostly just copy other people when I like how they look :embarrassed:

[August]

If I had a blog I'd have a GOMI thread dedicated to noticing the dust and dirty socks in the background of all my kid pics, plus the unbrushed hair of same.

[Peas n carrots]

Oh, heck, peas and carrots. I love MST3K, especially the shorts. Also, which show tunes are your favorites? I do admit to singing some Broadway tunes. I am such a nerd.

I admit to watching the Space Mutiny episode about once a month. I always lose it at "Sting, Debbie Reynolds, and God" as well as "This is my grandma-daughter." :lol: Not to forget the 8000 names they had for Ryder like "Dirk Hardpeck" and "Blast Hardcheese." And I love anytime Mike Nelson shows up as Torgo!

Show tunes...I know I might get tomatoes thrown at me but anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Jesus Christ Superstar has been high up on my list lately. I was big into choir and vocal competition in high school, and I sang both Fantine and Eponine's solos (I Dreamed a Dream and On My Own) for my big solo's my sophomore/junior years.

But Phantom of the Opera is my all time favorite. I admit I have a massive crush on one of the best Phantom's (and now Jean Valjean!) of all time, Ramin Karimloo

Ok so I totally went off on a tangent lol

[JaCrispy]

My random moments of prayer and sign of the cross, I'm Catholic and pray about everything and anything, whenever and wherever I feel like it, and am not in the least bit ashamed, but My hubby thinks it's odd. Also My need to play with puppies and dogs, and to stop random people on the street and ask the dog it's name and pet it completely ignoring their owners, because I can't stand people, I'd rather play with their dogs. :mrgreen:

[darkplumaged]

Even though I have a baby, I still sleep late almost every day (my baby, like her mommy, is a born night owl).

My hair looks hideous, unevenly wavy and frizzy, 99% of the time. My eyebrows desperately need regular waxing, but I only get it done a few times a year.

I'm a bit on the chunky side and don't exercise often enough.

I love clothes and have tons because I keep things FOREVER if I like them, even if there's little hope of my ever fitting into them again. But I wear pajamas all day if it's cold and I have nowhere to go (read: most days this winter).

I wear makeup only if I'm socializing or going out for a special occasion.

My sense of humor has not evolved at all since I was 16, and it was childish THEN.

I eat baby food for breakfast.

I like and eat fast food on occasion and see no problem with doing so.

For someone who loves to read and works with words for a living, I am poorly read, and my bookshelves are embarrassing. 75% kids'/YA books. Pathetic.

My house is always at least a minor mess.

I am a fairly liberal Jew who has spent a lot of her leisure time in the last five years reading about and snarking on Christian fundies. :D

[Geechee Girl]

Great thread! My life would be ripe with snark.

Appearance:

I'm almost always made up if I leave the house. I go full glitz often. I always iron my clothes. I love high heels, and dressing ultra-feminine. On the flip side, I dress very conservatively at school, and wear headcoverings most days.

How I talk:

I'm a master code-switcher which could lead the general public to think I'm fake. I alternate between Southern American English grammar & African-American English Vernacular peppered with Gullah when talking to Miss GG or our cat. I speak Appalachian English with my former S.O., and Russe-glish with my ex-inlaws. I would most likely try to speak in a more neutral dialect while masking my GA accent in the THs.

House:

I'm in an old rental house in much need of repairs neglected/refused by the landlord. I have water-damaged peeling walls and swollen hardwood floors. :embarrassed: The broken irrigation system has led to the death of the grass in the backyard, and the front yard isn't pretty with straggly scrubs on their last breath. Also, I have the same horrid white tiled kitchen counters as Zsu. The grout was badly stained before we moved in. I'd like to smack someone upside the head :animals-bunnywhite: for laying the black tiled kitchen floor. :fyingpan: It always looks gross, no matter how often it's cleaned. :chores-mop: I have some Hoodoo, Geechee and pagan stuff outside and in the house. I can picture the camera zooming onto my bottle tree complete with cuckoo sound effects added to create a kooky witch narrative. :cray-cray:

Food snobbery:

I cook & bake as much as I can from scratch. I make my own extracts and liqueurs. I have a massive collective of cookbooks which are stashed all over. I love kitchen gadgets. I grind my own coffee beans and spices. I love wine! :redwine: Cockatail time IS the best time of the day! :martini: I see a lush edit happening.

Personality:

Introverted and very shy which can be framed as standoffish. I don't like to be on camera or have my picture taken. OTOH, I love judging pageants and attending dance competitions. With Miss GG, we have tons of inside jokes that are a hybrid of trash talkin', dozens, and pop culture references. Many years ago, another dance mom overheard me telling my girl she better win a prize in order to earn my love and get dinner that night. :angry-tappingfoot: Miss GG finds it funny when I act like a "crazy dance mom" before she goes on stage. She'll then ask, "Do you love me?", to which I'll counter, "IDK, :confusion-shrug: are you a winner?" A good laugh eases her tension. I could totally see a reality show taking this situation out of context, and 'Merica painting me as evil. :twisted:

[Mecca]

I admit it. I curse a lot. The network would not have enough material to string a clean sentence together. Way, way too many **peeps.** :?

I am a clean, neat freak -- from my house inside and out, my car, etc. My husband says he will bury my Dyson vacuum cleaner with me if I die before him. I should be embarrassed that I get excited when some new cleaning product comes out, but I am not. I actually like doing laundry. :?

I basically "dress up" everyday and do my hair and makeup daily no matter if I am going out or not. I just really like clothes and beauty products, A LOT, and I have a dedicated area in my home with a proper huge makeup vanity with pro-lighting and a closet that could rival a Kardashian. :?

I do have a wicked sense of humor, though.....

[crazyforkate]

- Constant know-it-all-ism (that's not even a word)

- Oscars obsession

- Actually, obsessions in general - I tend to focus on one specific thing and cling to it for a while

- Tendency to misanthropy

- Complete lack of style

- Excellent resting bitch face

- Always saying exactly the wrong thing, with no exceptions

- Fear of driving

- The classic movie thing. Jesus tapdancing Christ, the classic movie thing.

[lawfulevil]

Hmm. I think I'm not very snarkable. It's not that I'm afraid of strangers making fun of me, and I know I'm a vastly silly human being- my poor husband has had to endure a long winter of unicorn jammies- I actually can't imagine I'd be in a situation where I WOULD be snarked on. I think I'd rather have my toes sawn off with a spork than be on television. And I hardly even update my social media, let alone blog, so a dedicated GOMI thread is probably out too.

That said, I think carrying the cat around the house like a baby and murmuring to him "Hey, kitty, wanna get hiiiigh?" leads the list of my batshit habits. I'd probably also get slammed for-

-Despite zero kids and a small dog, I drive a station wagon.

-Crunchy habits- kombucha, sauerkraut, the copper EO still...

-Combined with at least one math book in every room of the house including the kitchen (a study book for an actuarial exam, it's on top of the microwave)

-The unicorn jammies

-Terrorizing neighborhood parents by handing out glow bracelets and those terrifying 2 foot long pixie stix (decorated as fairy wands and swords) at Halloween

-Comforting neighborhood parents by handing out jello shots at Halloween

-My general overenthusiastic level of holiday decoration, including holidays I don't even believe in

-Don't I know that green eye shadow doesn't go with brown eyes? Know, don't care.

-There might be doomsday preppers with less goddamn candles. And the soap is taking over again. But it makes a really awkward gift.

-I gave myself a very nice manicure last night... on my right hand, then forgot about my left entirely. Oops. (polish color: Across the Universe)

-I'd probably get a lot of shit for how much money I spend on nail polish

-There's a Night Vale NRA sticker on my car, no other stickers.

-I am apparently incapable of screwing on a jar lid correctly or remembering to close all the kitchen cabinets. Both of these make my husband even crazier than my weird choices of sleepwear.

-I'm the evil bastard who taught my nephew about knock knock jokes.

[KittenMitten]

I admit to watching the Space Mutiny episode about once a month. I always lose it at "Sting, Debbie Reynolds, and God" as well as "This is my grandma-daughter." :lol: Not to forget the 8000 names they had for Ryder like "Dirk Hardpeck" and "Blast Hardcheese." And I love anytime Mike Nelson shows up as Torgo!

Show tunes...I know I might get tomatoes thrown at me but anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Jesus Christ Superstar has been high up on my list lately. I was big into choir and vocal competition in high school, and I sang both Fantine and Eponine's solos (I Dreamed a Dream and On My Own) for my big solo's my sophomore/junior years.

But Phantom of the Opera is my all time favorite. I admit I have a massive crush on one of the best Phantom's (and now Jean Valjean!) of all time, Ramin Karimloo

Ok so I totally went off on a tangent lol

Love Andrew Lloyd Webber. Saw most of his stuff on B'way. I'm so lucky.

[ADoyle90815]

My weight

Resting bitch face

Not that fashionable, due to sensory issues I prefer tagless clothing. Basically, tags to me feel the way that wool does for others.

Having Asperger's traits that would be somewhat noticeable. One trait is not having a working brain to mouth filter.

While I shower every day, I don't wash my hair more than 3 times a week. The day before I wash my hair, it might look a bit greasy.

I use clinical strength antiperspirant as much as possible because I'm paranoid about having body odor.

Nail biter here, and when I do wear polish on my fingernails, I hate when it chips, so I tend to have my toenails painted while my fingernails are bare.

[Cactus]

I barely know where to start. (Though for me, this seems almost like an introduction!)

• I have terrible taste in clothes. I mean TERRIBLE. I frequently go to work in clashing colours and styles and I don't even realise that I look bad.
  
• I once wore a dressing gown to an exam.
  
• I do not own or wear makeup.
  
• I almost never shave. Not because I'm enamoured by body hair, but because I'm lazy, and dress modestly to cover it up.
  
• I drink tea like Teri Maxwell used to drink Pepsi. I have more space for tea in my house than food. It's a little concerning.
  
• I have an anxiety disorder and stuck a post-it on my desk at work that reads 'DON'T PANIC' (and expected it to actually make a difference).
  
• I'm not a Christian, but my partner is, and we live together in unwedded bliss. My partner's family hate it. :dance:

Oh, and I recently bought new bed linen with whales on them. I don't care that they were in the kids' section. They had whales. I like whales. :D

[Coco]

Hmm. I think I'm not very snarkable. It's not that I'm afraid of strangers making fun of me, and I know I'm a vastly silly human being- my poor husband has had to endure a long winter of unicorn jammies- I actually can't imagine I'd be in a situation where I WOULD be snarked on. I think I'd rather have my toes sawn off with a spork than be on television. And I hardly even update my social media, let alone blog, so a dedicated GOMI thread is probably out too.

That said, I think carrying the cat around the house like a baby and murmuring to him "Hey, kitty, wanna get hiiiigh?" leads the list of my batshit habits. I'd probably also get slammed for-

-Despite zero kids and a small dog, I drive a station wagon.

-Crunchy habits- kombucha, sauerkraut, the copper EO still...

-Combined with at least one math book in every room of the house including the kitchen (a study book for an actuarial exam, it's on top of the microwave)

-The unicorn jammies

-Terrorizing neighborhood parents by handing out glow bracelets and those terrifying 2 foot long pixie stix (decorated as fairy wands and swords) at Halloween

-Comforting neighborhood parents by handing out jello shots at Halloween

-My general overenthusiastic level of holiday decoration, including holidays I don't even believe in

-Don't I know that green eye shadow doesn't go with brown eyes? Know, don't care.

-There might be doomsday preppers with less goddamn candles. And the soap is taking over again. But it makes a really awkward gift.

-I gave myself a very nice manicure last night... on my right hand, then forgot about my left entirely. Oops. (polish color: Across the Universe)

-I'd probably get a lot of shit for how much money I spend on nail polish

-There's a Night Vale NRA sticker on my car, no other stickers.

-I am apparently incapable of screwing on a jar lid correctly or remembering to close all the kitchen cabinets. Both of these make my husband even crazier than my weird choices of sleepwear.

-I'm the evil bastard who taught my nephew about knock knock jokes.

:lol: :worship: i love sarcastic humor.

If he's 2 like my little guy it'll be worse when he forgets everything but just "knock, knock!" over and over. The kids FINALLY stopped doing that after several days of agony.

[Coco]

This is a great topic!

1. I try too hard, and then I have anxiety because I am sure everyone I interact with immediately senses this.

2. I am geeky about espresso makers and grinders, ands I can talk about these things non-stop whenever possible.

3. I run a lot & sometimes I think this makes me a better person. The closest I ever get to evangelizing is when I try to convince uninterested people that running would change their lives/works ethics/mental health too.

4. And then I insinuate that not having a $600 coffee grinders might be an integral reason for any other life issues they are having.

5. I can out hard-core any fundie when it comes to my passion about my morals/values.

6. I dress like a boring, practical mom.

7. I make macarons because they are more esoteric than cupcakes.

8. My cats are just more highly-evolved humans, and I don't care if they only pretend to like me because they are manipulating me for their own ends.

9. I use big words because I REALLY MEAN THEM.

10. I have secret European fantasies about Rick Steves.

Yes! Oh my gosh what is the deal about him? The most monotonous guy in the universe dressing in the same boring khakis hauling the same shoulder bag all over the world to stand in front of buildings but i agree, he's just got some quiet charm or something. :lol: maybe it's the bloopers. Or my addiction to the '80's.

[Coco]

Well, my weight--which fluctuates by ab out 80+ lbs every so many years and even at the low point, I'm not totally skinny.

My giant house for 2 people who travel for work.

Always wearing make up outside of the house

Never leaving the house in shorts, including to go into my own yard

Eating canned veggies (Green beans, beets and occasionally spinach) in part because while fresh is better, I hate frozen green beans and grew up on canned spinach so find it almost a comfort food.... yes, mock away)

My Being pleased when our zipcode is highly ranked in whatever way... wealth, educational attainment, schools, etc Knowing it is part of why we chose to live here

the fact we drive cars from 1997 and 2002.

Our parties--

the fact spouse and I are sort of joined at the hip, by design.

me too! All it needs is a little salt - yum! i think it's from watching Popeye, honestly.

[Coco]

That's pretty fascinating. You should start an Ask Me Anything thread!

ITA, that would be very interesting. Dogs are such old souls.

Dollypeeps, did you get a chance to see Jill Rodrigues' video of her kids? Their family has 11 children going on 12, living in an RV, traveling and singing for a living. They also have a little dachshund, Snuggles. At the beginning of the video Snuggles is trapped in a blanket swaddle with the current youngest baby and he gives Jill serious side eye. It might be too painful to watch, I felt so sorry for that poor little guy.

[bBvideo 560,340:1uvi0d5q]

[/bBvideo]

The FJ thread about their family: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=23223

[SnazzyNazzy]

There are so many ways that I would get snarked on. Thankfully, I am boring and all get out, so I would be cancelled by episode 2.

[SpeshulTaterTot]

My apartment is usually a mess and I need fair warning before people come over. (I actually called out sick from work today to clean because I have someone coming over tomorrow... And here I am, procrastinating.)

I always fall for the wrong men and even when I know a guy is wrong for me, I have a hard time letting go.

I follow people I hate on Twitter and Instagram just so I can bitch about how much I hate them.

I think a wonderful day off involves staying in my pjs, on the couch with the cats while binge watching stuff like Doctor Who.

[Mellanya]

Ok haha I think there's a lot you could snark about if I had a reality TV show.

• I constantly bitch about "hippies" who buy organic foods only and don't eat processed food, and I'm very vocal about how much I hate people who eat gluten-fre, dairy-free, sugar-free, anything free really, UNLESS they have a legit allergy or condition
  
• I try to buy organic foods only and avoid processed food... (don't even say it...)
  
• I'm a crazy cat lady
  
• I wear a full face of expensive make up every single day (not because I think any particular way about my looks but because I enjoy painting my face)
  
• I have a little professor syndrom - my most frequently used sentence is "Did you know that *insert pointless information*". Sometimes I hate myself for it.
  
• I tell my boyfriend that I'm a cat and then demand him to pet me (this sounds a lot weirder than it really is....)
  
• I'm a die hard feminist and I will stop watching a show that uses feminine qualities as an insult
  
• I'm generally not a very nice person to people who annoy me

And this is just the short version.

[latraviata]

I am a chaotic slob. My house is a mess, books and stuff everywhere.

According to my oldest son aka Cuteneurorad I am unable to do the dishes properly, he always does them again......

I think I would do them better if I put my reading spectacles on, but I don't.

[freethemall]

Oooo I love this thread...

- My hair is a curly frizzy mess, especially in the winter. There'd be lots of "why the hell can't she figure out products"

- I also like natural products and stuff like apple cider vinegar and essential oils, maybe something about being a crusty hippy

- Is she or isnt' she pregnant - I guess my hubby and I are still "newlyweds" (2.5 years on but hey we wrap that shit up!) but I constantly deal with nausea from my acid reflux so even in real life people always make morning sickness jokes.

- Me being the princess bitch of the house, because I've got a good hubby that does stuff for me like making coffee everyday.

Man I feel like if there was ever anyone I know on FJ they would read that and know exactly who I am...

[RachelB]

Hmm. I think I'm not very snarkable. It's not that I'm afraid of strangers making fun of me, and I know I'm a vastly silly human being- my poor husband has had to endure a long winter of unicorn jammies- I actually can't imagine I'd be in a situation where I WOULD be snarked on. I think I'd rather have my toes sawn off with a spork than be on television. And I hardly even update my social media, let alone blog, so a dedicated GOMI thread is probably out too.

That said, I think carrying the cat around the house like a baby and murmuring to him "Hey, kitty, wanna get hiiiigh?" leads the list of my batshit habits. I'd probably also get slammed for-

-Despite zero kids and a small dog, I drive a station wagon.

-Crunchy habits- kombucha, sauerkraut, the copper EO still...

-Combined with at least one math book in every room of the house including the kitchen (a study book for an actuarial exam, it's on top of the microwave)

-The unicorn jammies

-Terrorizing neighborhood parents by handing out glow bracelets and those terrifying 2 foot long pixie stix (decorated as fairy wands and swords) at Halloween

-Comforting neighborhood parents by handing out jello shots at Halloween

-My general overenthusiastic level of holiday decoration, including holidays I don't even believe in

-Don't I know that green eye shadow doesn't go with brown eyes? Know, don't care.

-There might be doomsday preppers with less goddamn candles. And the soap is taking over again. But it makes a really awkward gift.

-I gave myself a very nice manicure last night... on my right hand, then forgot about my left entirely. Oops. (polish color: Across the Universe)

-I'd probably get a lot of shit for how much money I spend on nail polish

-There's a Night Vale NRA sticker on my car, no other stickers.

-I am apparently incapable of screwing on a jar lid correctly or remembering to close all the kitchen cabinets. Both of these make my husband even crazier than my weird choices of sleepwear.

-I'm the evil bastard who taught my nephew about knock knock jokes.

Lawfulevil, I kind of wish we were neighbors right now. I have wanted to make Meyer lemon EO for years but have no room for equipment. I'd trade you half the Meyer lemons I could find (or, heck, some more nail polish!) for access to that still.

[HoneyBunny]

Though my life is totally snark worthy (low level OCD, freakish hair, asocial, I too wear the same clothes until they wear out because I am a Class A minimalist), here's the thing: I don't put it out there for public consumption nor claim that my way is the right way, so I'll never be in a situation where my life invites snarking. I'm thankful others are, because its so darn much fun.

[Full enough quiver]

I have no fashion sense whatsoever, and I don't care. Yoga pants and sweatshirt in winter, shorts and tank top in summer, all purchased at goodwill. I wear a ponytail every day. I don't wear makeup, a bra, or shoes, like, ever, unless I'm going somewhere that requires shoes, then I wear flip flops. I have 4 dogs, 2 cats, 2 goats, a pig, 6 chickens, and a turkey, and I talk to them like they're people. In fact, I like them better than everyone except my husband and kids. I hate leaving the house, and avoid it as much as possible. Other than the grocery store, I could easily not go anywhere or talk to anyone other than my husband and children for weeks at a time. I don't "discipline" my children. We have two rules in our house. Be safe, and don't be an asshole. As long as those two criteria are met, they do as they please. My daughters dress "slutty", and I honestly don't care. I think they look cute. I wait on my husband hand and foot. I do all the housework, since I'm anal and nobody else does it right. I haven't been working, since my nephews moved in, but since they are transitioning back home, I'm looking for work, but making some changes that will result in a career I enjoy more. (I've always hated nursing). Unfortunately, it means starting over and taking a huge pay cut.