Woman writes about rape and pregnancy

[bekkah]

So, this is going around on my facebook page. I think the story exemplifies her choice to choose to have a baby that is a product of rape. She though thinks every fetus should have a voice. What about the mother? The family? The husband?

I hate these stories because they never give you the other side of the story.

It infuriates me as a survivor because I made a choice when it happened to me and thankfully I didn't have to act on it but I knew I couldn't have a child through those circumstances. And I had support but I would have been an incredibly bad mother because I was barely holding on. I just wish there was accurate portrayal.

Not broken because it doesn't link directly to her blog

http://liveactionnews.org/raped-while-o ... hose-life/

[KittenMitten]

Bekkah, I am so sorry about what you went through. I send you hugs and good thoughts. Hope you are ok.

About the story. I am so sorry she was raped it sounded brutal(like rape always is). And the important thing about choice is that she chose what she felt was right for her. I guess two things I wonder about. The husband sounded very supportive. I just wonder if he pushed his beliefs on her. I hope not. The other thing I wonder, from my own projection of how I think I would feel, how the family would feel about this child? Can they love him the same? Do they worry about the rapist's genetics? What happens when he gets older and misbehaves, will that scare them? What happens if it seems obvious that dad is not bio dad, what will they tell him? I hope I am totally wrong in my thoughts and sorry for sounding like an ass.

Be well bekkah

[FundieWatcher]

I love that the comments jumped to a debate on if it is ok not to tell the child they were conceived by rape. ( tell ur kidz their bio dad is a rapist b4 kindergarten or u r a LYING WHORE!!!#=/+) I guess nobody can just say "hey, trust your own opinion and make your own decisions".

[bekkah]

Bekkah, I am so sorry about what you went through. I send you hugs and good thoughts. Hope you are ok.

About the story. I am so sorry she was raped it sounded brutal(like rape always is). And the important thing about choice is that she chose what she felt was right for her. I guess two things I wonder about. The husband sounded very supportive. I just wonder if he pushed his beliefs on her. I hope not. The other thing I wonder, from my own projection of how I think I would feel, how the family would feel about this child? Can they love him the same? Do they worry about the rapist's genetics? What happens when he gets older and misbehaves, will that scare them? What happens if it seems obvious that dad is not bio dad, what will they tell him? I hope I am totally wrong in my thoughts and sorry for sounding like an ass.

Be well bekkah

Thanks for the wishes. It's been three years this February and honestly rape culture is alive and well. I am not allowed to talk about it within my family and friends circle because it's just not something that is talked about. I just wish that more women had the guts to talk about abortion and rape. I just don't see many of those stories and I get it's the anniversary of Roe v Wade. Our country needs an honest discussion of rape and women's issues. When I went through my sexual assault, one of my friends did change her stance on being anti choice to pro choice. When these stories goes around, they are only representing one side of the facts. I struggled with holding a job for a year after and drinking issues. I was a senior in my last semester when it happened and I barely graduated. Thankfully I had great faculty that was on a don't ask policy and did everything they did to accommodate me.

[LittleOleMe]

Just once, I would like to read a story that says something like "I was raped and I got pregnant. I chose to keep my child because it was the right thing for me. But that was my choice and many women make the opposite chose because that's what is right for them in their situation. This isn't an article about abortion. This isn't an article about being pro-life. This is just my story." Why is it that every article about a woman who conceives due to rape has to turn it into some anti-abortion tirade? I'm very sorry she was raped. It's a horrible experience that I won't pretend to understand. Her husband was very supportive of them keeping the baby and that's fantastic. But not everyone has that same experience and she can't just pretend every rape victim has a loving supportive family to help them. For some, keeping the pregnancy is the right choice. For others, terminating it is the right choice.

What do you do in that kind of situation? Do you put the husband on the birth certificate? What if the rapists family wants contact with the child? Obviously at some point you do have to tell the child - or do?

And to Bekkah, I'm glad you're doing well. I'm sorry you can't talk to your family about it, but I assume you are a part of a survivors group in which you can? :hug4: :hug4: :hug4: :hug4:

[polecat]

I'm so sorry you went through that, Bekkah.

I'm glad this woman was able to make the choice that was right for her. I'm glad you were able to make the choice that was right for you. I wish this topic was more openly talked about so that women could always feel supported no matter what choice they make re: pregnancy through rape.

[pugglemama]

I read that story before and I'm still wondering, how did she know the baby wasn't her husbands? Maybe he had a vasectomy or something, but she never said so.

[LittleOleMe]

I read that story before and I'm still wondering, how did she know the baby wasn't her husbands? Maybe he had a vasectomy or something, but she never said so.

She was on a business trip when it happened. I'm assuming the husband wasn't with her. If the trip lasted a week or two, it would probably be pretty obvious. That and I doubt she was having sex right after the rape, so if they didn't have sex before she left, it wouldn't be her husband's chid.

[FundieWatcher]

I am in a long-term relationship and we use condoms for bc. It isn't the common form for people in committed relationships, but I imagine it happens. Or they could have been using another barrier method.

[fundiefan]

She had a choice and she made it. That does not, however, mean it is the only right choice or best choice for everyone.

Choice is just that. Choose. You choose to have that baby, go ahead. It's irrelevant to me, and to anyone else whether they want to accept/admit that or not. But don't try to tell the rest of the world they have to make the same choice you did for the same reasons you did. The world and humanity don't work that way.

[chaotic life]

LittleOleMe, here's that side of the story you wanted to hear.

I was raped three weeks before I turned 16. In fact, I confirmed my pregnancy, sobbing, in the public library bathroom on my 16th birthday.

I opted to carry that child. I was previously staunchly pro-life and knew I couldn't have an abortion. And my supposed pro-life parents threw me out, forbad me to have an abortion but forbad me to come home until I was no longer pregnant.

I bounced through multiple homes, including 1.5 weeks of the nightmare of an unwed mothers' home.

It turned out that baby was my lifeline to not check out and kill myself. Having to care for her kept me alive until I was strong enough to get pissed and fight for myself again. I called her my beautiful flower that bloomed in the ashes of my life.

And I placed her in an open adoption and as an adult now, she knows her history, and I have a mother's role in her life as her adoptive mother flaked out a long time ago.

I also became rabidly pro-choice through my experience. I made a CHOICE to continue my pregnancy, at the time when no choices were left to me but that choice. Not one person had a right to dictate what I did in the aftermath of MY rape, no right to control my body that my rapist had already tried to control when he violated me. Even when I was still pregnant I started to loudly declare that no one has ANY right to ever tell a rape victim what to do, because only SHE can know what she can live with and what choices she needs to make to put her life back together.

In time, it dawned on me that the same concept of my body, my choice is a fundamental right ALL women should have access to. They should not be required to pass a litmus test to prove their rapid legitimate to have access to an abortion. They don't need to have been raped to choose what happens to their body.

When it was MY rape and MY pregnancy, I carried to term and placed for adoption. Every woman will make her own choice and that choice should be a fundamental right for all women, regardless of how they ended up pregnant. Having the right to choose made me passionately embrace that it does matter for all women and all women should fight to protect that choice.

[feministxtian]

chaotic life...I am glad you found a solution to a terrible situation, that worked for you.

Choice is exactly that...CHOICE! I got pregnant at 17, sperm donor swore up and down it wasn't his. I CHOSE to have that child and parent her myself. HOWEVER...that was MY choice, that worked for me. I don't have the right to tell someone else that their choice is wrong. That's between the woman and whatever higher power she believes in.

My husband is a product of rape. His mother was barely 17 when he was born, and she was forced to marry her rapist (this was 1961-1962 in a small town in Ohio). My MIL never let him forget the circumstances of his conception and honestly, it's fucked him up in a big way. No child should have to go through that either.

[bekkah]

Just once, I would like to read a story that says something like "I was raped and I got pregnant. I chose to keep my child because it was the right thing for me. But that was my choice and many women make the opposite chose because that's what is right for them in their situation. This isn't an article about abortion. This isn't an article about being pro-life. This is just my story." Why is it that every article about a woman who conceives due to rape has to turn it into some anti-abortion tirade? I'm very sorry she was raped. It's a horrible experience that I won't pretend to understand. Her husband was very supportive of them keeping the baby and that's fantastic. But not everyone has that same experience and she can't just pretend every rape victim has a loving supportive family to help them. For some, keeping the pregnancy is the right choice. For others, terminating it is the right choice.

What do you do in that kind of situation? Do you put the husband on the birth certificate? What if the rapists family wants contact with the child? Obviously at some point you do have to tell the child - or do?

And to Bekkah, I'm glad you're doing well. I'm sorry you can't talk to your family about it, but I assume you are a part of a survivors group in which you can? :hug4: :hug4: :hug4: :hug4:

Actually, I'm not part of a survivors group but I find great solace in my job an helping others. If it weren't for that experience, I wouldn't have decided to become a teacher and take the safe route of continuing into a grad program right away. I finished student teaching this last fall and now looking for a job.

And thank you to all who have shared. I just wish there were more stories that gave a balance perspective. I decided to take plan B and thankfully did not have to make that terrible choice. My question is that there is post abortion depression . How many women come from abusive situations and rape? Women who have been through those experiences are more likely to experience depression an anxiety disorders.

And something else that bothered me was the use of her son as a political agenda. All of his friends when he gets older can read that he was a product of rape. Is that fair to share his origins to the world? Is it fair to force your opinion on a newborn?

[LittleOleMe]

Chaotic, I'm very sorry for what you experienced. I really appreciate the fact that you recognize your choices aren't for everyone. I wish these anti-abortion people could respect that in the same manner you do.

I can't imagine being forced to marry my rapist. Even for the 60s that sounds ridiculous. And obviously not very healthy for the child involved.

And finally, I agree that it's incredibly wrong to use your child as a political tool. This woman using her child to say "I was raped and kept my baby" in her anti-abortion campaign is no different than Sara Palin using her child to say "he has down syndrome and I knew that ahead of time and kept him anyway" in her anti-abortion campaign. The only difference is that this woman's child will grow up to fully understand how his mother used his existence to further her political agenda. And that's what really disgusting. She doesn't even attempt to hide his identity for his own sake. She wants to use him - hell she admits that! It's almost as if she wanted to get pregnant so she could use it as soap box.

[snuggles911]

As a survivor of an assault that stopped just short of intercourse this story was extremely triggering for me when it first popped up on my Facebook feed last month.

In my situation I was so grateful that the assault could not have left me pregnant. At the same time I couldn't help but wonder, what if? Having a rapist's child would have been emotionally devastating and having an abortion would have left me feeling guilty for the rest of my life b/c of the beliefs with which I was raised. It would have been a nightmare either way.

I'm glad that this women found a choice that she can live with but not every husband would want to raise a rapist's child and not every survivor would find it healing. I wonder if she's received any type of counseling and if the rapist was caught and if so, if he could legally request access to his child. Some states deny access if the father has been convicted with rape while others offer no such protection.

[LittleOleMe]

As a survivor of an assault that stopped just short of intercourse this story was extremely triggering for me when it first popped up on my Facebook feed last month.

In my situation I was so grateful that the assault could not have left me pregnant. At the same time I couldn't help but wonder, what if? Having a rapist's child would have been emotionally devastating and having an abortion would have left me feeling guilty for the rest of my life b/c of the beliefs with which I was raised. It would have been a nightmare either way.

I'm glad that this women found a choice that she can live with but not every husband would want to raise a rapist's child and not every survivor would find it healing. I wonder if she's received any type of counseling and if the rapist was caught and if so, if he could legally request access to his child. Some states deny access if the father has been convicted with rape while others offer no such protection.

I was curious about this, too. Was the guy ever caught? If he was, was he convicted? (He could argue it was consensual since his DNA is obviously there) Does the child have her husband's name on the birth certificate? How does that work??

I think the fact that she hasn't told us is actually very telling. This isn't a story about rape and surviving. It's about not having an abortion. That's it.

[VaSportsMom]

I was curious about this, too. Was the guy ever caught? If he was, was he convicted? (He could argue it was consensual since his DNA is obviously there) Does the child have her husband's name on the birth certificate? How does that work??

I think the fact that she hasn't told us is actually very telling. This isn't a story about rape and surviving. It's about not having an abortion. That's it.

In my state a child born into a marriage is assumed to be a product of that marriage and the husband would be listed on the birth certificate.

[Mama Mia]

Bekkah, I am so sorry about what you went through. I send you hugs and good thoughts. Hope you are ok.

About the story. I am so sorry she was raped it sounded brutal(like rape always is). And the important thing about choice is that she chose what she felt was right for her. I guess two things I wonder about. The husband sounded very supportive. I just wonder if he pushed his beliefs on her. I hope not. The other thing I wonder, from my own projection of how I think I would feel, how the family would feel about this child? Can they love him the same? Do they worry about the rapist's genetics? What happens when he gets older and misbehaves, will that scare them? What happens if it seems obvious that dad is not bio dad, what will they tell him? I hope I am totally wrong in my thoughts and sorry for sounding like an ass.

Be well bekkah

Those concerns/ questions about the family's possible reactions, and Chaotic Life's story -- are so, so sad to me. And the betrayal of my family reacting that way would, I think , in some ways, be even more difficult to deal with than the rape itself.

I can't imagine having my relatives, treating a child like he/she was less than because of the circumstance of its birth. Which the child would have no control over. So sad.

For me, personally, if I was in that same situation I would absolutely put my husband as father on the birth certificate -- because that is the man who would be the father throughout that child's life. And I don't think I would tell the child, unless there was a good possibility they would find out otherwise. Because it would serve no purpose.

[LittleOleMe]

In my state a child born into a marriage is assumed to be a product of that marriage and the husband would be listed on the birth certificate.

As is my state, but then I wonder if that would be considered fraud in any way bc the husband knew it wasn't really his biological child. Fraud because of insurance purposes and stuff. People are crazy. But also, would that make any difference in prosecuting a rape??

For me, personally, if I was in that same situation I would absolutely put my husband as father on the birth certificate -- because that is the man who would be the father throughout that child's life. And I don't think I would tell the child, unless there was a good possibility they would find out otherwise. Because it would serve no purpose.

I don't think I would either, assuming there weren't any medical issues that may arise in the future. Aside from turning your child into a political platform, there is really no point in telling people.

[Mama Mia]

As is my state, but then I wonder if that would be considered fraud in any way bc the husband knew it wasn't really his biological child. Fraud because of insurance purposes and stuff. People are crazy. But also, would that make any difference in prosecuting a rape??

I don't think I would either, assuming there weren't any medical issues that may arise in the future. Aside from turning your child into a political platform, there is really no point in telling people.

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm sure that when children are conceived using a sperm donor it's still the husband who is listed as father ( if there is a husband) . And children born into the marriage would definitely be covered by insurance etc.

[thekate]

I guess nobody can just say "hey, trust your own opinion and make your own decisions".

This is the anti choice lobby we're talking about!

[LittleOleMe]

This is the anti choice lobby we're talking about!

Because it's not YOUR opinion nor is it YOUR decision. It's GOD'S!! :roll:

[bekkah]

What frustrates me is that more and more of my generation is not religious. Most of my friends believe that something is out there but what is it.

After my own rape/sexual assault, my friends started thinking about what it means to be pro-life. I wish we could change the terminology. I want pro-life to be anti-choice. I also would like to be able to call myself pro-life. I'm pro-life in the mother, father and the rest of the family that could be affected by the pregnancy.

[LittleOleMe]

What frustrates me is that more and more of my generation is not religious. Most of my friends believe that something is out there but what is it.

After my own rape/sexual assault, my friends started thinking about what it means to be pro-life. I wish we could change the terminology. I want pro-life to be anti-choice. I also would like to be able to call myself pro-life. I'm pro-life in the mother, father and the rest of the family that could be affected by the pregnancy.

There are two threads going on about this right now, but on the other one, we're having that exact conversation. The anti-abortion crowd are not pro-life bc they don't care about the baby once it's born, just as long as it's actually born. I refuse to call them "pro-life" bc they aren't. They're anti-abortion. And the other's are pro-choice.

[Miggy]

Pro-life but happy to have the mothers life put at risk?

Pro-life but don't care once the baby is born?

Yes, it's a stupid term.