Woman writes about rape and pregnancy

[DGayle]

I love that the comments jumped to a debate on if it is ok not to tell the child they were conceived by rape. ( tell ur kidz their bio dad is a rapist b4 kindergarten or u r a LYING WHORE!!!#=/+) I guess nobody can just say "hey, trust your own opinion and make your own decisions".

The problem with "trust your own opinion and make your own decisions" is that children have a right to know their genetic lineage. It does matter when it comes to medical history. If the child is left thinking the only father in the picture is biological, it could give that child a false sense of medical history, and yes, that really does matter.

Our mother's father is unknown to us, and lasts in the early 1960's meant dads could easily get kicked out of the picture. My brother has a medical condition that went undiagnosed for a very long time (and nearly killed him) that is rare and wasn't even considered since it wasn't a part of our known medical history.

Sure, lie if you want about HOW conception happened (call it a "sperm donor because Daddy wasn't able to conceive with me at that time" if they want), but lineage shouldn't be lied about.

Also rapists, sadly, have parental rights. :(

[DGayle]

It's been three years this February and honestly rape culture is alive and well.

And it's romanticized. Ana Steele tells Christian Grey NO, and he goes ahead anyway, and even though she has a mental breakdown right after he leaves, it's romantic.... What the fuck is wrong with this world that THAT shit is not only called the greatest romance, but is the fastest-selling book in world history? Millions upon millions of women love Christian and want a man like him, and don't see how any of it is rape.

Rape culture has taken a turn toward promoting rape instead of just tolerating it. As the mother of girls, I'm more scared than I know how to put into words.

[DGayle]

This woman using her child to say "I was raped and kept my baby" in her anti-abortion campaign is no different than Sara Palin using her child to say "he has down syndrome and I knew that ahead of time and kept him anyway" in her anti-abortion campaign. The only difference is that this woman's child will grow up to fully understand how his mother used his existence to further her political agenda. And that's what really disgusting. She doesn't even attempt to hide his identity for his own sake. She wants to use him - hell she admits that! It's almost as if she wanted to get pregnant so she could use it as soap box.

Yup. She said, "My OB who delivered my last two children was running in the Republican primary for U.S. Senate. He talks to people all the time who challenge him with the “What about in cases of rape?†question. What about them? My son will have a voice."

And that made it crystal clear that her son is a tool in her political agenda.

[DGayle]

In my state a child born into a marriage is assumed to be a product of that marriage and the husband would be listed on the birth certificate.

That's how it usually is, but another man can often get a DNA test if he can convince a judge there's a chance. Knowing when he raped her, having THAT kind of conception time info, could result in a test, especially since she's open about what happened.

[LittleOleMe]

I don't understand how rapists can have parental rights. That's absolutely disgusting and I can't see any reason why laws haven't been put in place to prevent this sort of thing. I mean seriously.

I think some states do have laws preventing rapists from obtaining any sort of parental rights. But some states do not and I think that's a problem that should be faced before we start caring about whether or not a rape victim decides to carry her pregnancy to term or not.

[DGayle]

Pro-life but happy to have the mothers life put at risk?

Pro-life but don't care once the baby is born?

Yes, it's a stupid term.

They're mandatory-birthers.

[txmommyof4]

That's how it usually is, but another man can often get a DNA test if he can convince a judge there's a chance. Knowing when he raped her, having THAT kind of conception time info, could result in a test, especially since she's open about what happened.

I don't know how it is in other states, but in Arkansas the only person who can force a married woman to have a paternity test done is her husband. If the husband is willing to put his name on the birth certificate without question he can't be challenged. I don't normally post on threads over here but this is a subject I had to know the answer to at one point so I wanted to share that.

Yes, the medical aspect is huge. One of my son's bio father is a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. He has never met my child and never will but my son knows that before he even considers having children he will have genetic testing done.

[Full enough quiver]

I was raped as a teen and chose to keep my baby. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I told anyone what happened, they would take my baby away, so I didn't tell anyone until I started showing and I couldn't hide it anymore. When my parents found out, they were so angry they kicked me out. They didn't ask about the father, and I didn't tell. I was afraid of getting in trouble for lying, sneaking out, and drinking. I thought I deserved what happened to me. Most of my family still doesn't know the whole truth. The story is that her father is not in our lives. Period. It is absolutely none of their business. The story my daughter knows is "Mommy was very young, and made some poor choices. Your father was bigger and stronger and took advantage. Mommy needed to keep you safe, so he is not in our lives". As she gets older, she has begun to read between the lines a bit more. I have given her as much of the truth as I can, without being graphic and frightening her.

Healing took a long time, and my daughter has been a huge part of what healed my heart. Having her has been my greatest joy, but I definitely would never wish that choice on everyone. Everyone copes with a situation differently. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't been able to live with my grandma, or if my rapist got parental rights, or if my daughter had been a son. I just don't know. That's why I would never presume to choose for someone else. If this woman made a choice she can live with, great. I think it's ok for women to know that keeping and raising their child is an option. So is abortion. So is surrendering them for adoption. Making any of those choices doesn't make you a better or worse person, just a person picking the option that will be least painful, out of several painful options.

[VaSportsMom]

That's how it usually is, but another man can often get a DNA test if he can convince a judge there's a chance. Knowing when he raped her, having THAT kind of conception time info, could result in a test, especially since she's open about what happened.

I had a friend that had to go through that process and it was slow and costly. There was a great deal of discussion about the best interests of the child and a GAL was appointed to represent the little one.

In this particular case I imagine that a lot depends on whether or not the rapist has been identified and if they live in a state that gives a rapist rights to a child born of that attack.

These cases are such a slippery slope. It's hard to weigh the rights of a child to know their biological and medical history against a sincere desire to protect them from the knowledge of a violent and traumatic conception. My mom and 3 of her siblings were adopted. My grandparents adopted her and her brother while 2 other local families took the other girls. The siblings all know each other and have some idea of their mother's medical history because she was related to my grandparents but they have nothing on their father. Mom is going through some very serious health issues right now that would likely be less complicated had she known her full medical history. It's hard not to be furious that she was denied something so basic that matters so much but I have to admit that if I had conceived as a result of the attack that I suffered I'm not sure that I would have ever shared that with the child had I opted to raise them. The fear of my child not being able to handle that knowledge combined with the fear of my attacker trying to assert rights to that child likely would have forced me to remain silent.

[lilah]

Yup. She said, "My OB who delivered my last two children was running in the Republican primary for U.S. Senate. He talks to people all the time who challenge him with the “What about in cases of rape?†question. What about them? My son will have a voice."

And that made it crystal clear that her son is a tool in her political agenda.

Im afraid to wonder how anti choicers envision a rape exemption working. Would the rapist need to be convicted (fat chance it goes to trial in under 20 weeks or whatever cut of time thry give...some juisdictions have a backlog of rapekits that will take years to sort through ) or would the accusation be sufficient?

In any case the exemption is the farce. Either you trust woman's judgement or you don't. It seems to create a false dichotomy we are of course any woman who seek an abortion is a dirty horrible slut except for some innocent rape victim...

[bekkah]

I was raped as a teen and chose to keep my baby. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I told anyone what happened, they would take my baby away, so I didn't tell anyone until I started showing and I couldn't hide it anymore. When my parents found out, they were so angry they kicked me out. They didn't ask about the father, and I didn't tell. I was afraid of getting in trouble for lying, sneaking out, and drinking. I thought I deserved what happened to me. Most of my family still doesn't know the whole truth. The story is that her father is not in our lives. Period. It is absolutely none of their business. The story my daughter knows is "Mommy was very young, and made some poor choices. Your father was bigger and stronger and took advantage. Mommy needed to keep you safe, so he is not in our lives". As she gets older, she has begun to read between the lines a bit more. I have given her as much of the truth as I can, without being graphic and frightening her.

Healing took a long time, and my daughter has been a huge part of what healed my heart. Having her has been my greatest joy, but I definitely would never wish that choice on everyone. Everyone copes with a situation differently. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't been able to live with my grandma, or if my rapist got parental rights, or if my daughter had been a son. I just don't know. That's why I would never presume to choose for someone else. If this woman made a choice she can live with, great. I think it's ok for women to know that keeping and raising their child is an option. So is abortion. So is surrendering them for adoption. Making any of those choices doesn't make you a better or worse person, just a person picking the option that will be least painful, out of several painful options.

I am happy that you found peace and healing with your daughter. I think having all these stories out there for people to read is important, it shows that there is never a clear cut decision for anyone. Each survivor is different because they are human but they do share one common thing is their rights were violated as a free agency being.

[LittleOleMe]

This has to be the most mature and calm discussion on rape/abortion I have ever witnessed. You are all amazing. This thread has every different angle of this type of story. It's really wonderful that there is the one thread where any one can read this short and simple stories that could help with any decision that needs to made. Now if only congress could operate like this.

[Full enough quiver]

What happened to me makes me even more pro choice. I just can't see forcing my choices on other people. My choice was right for me, but it was HARD. Having an abortion or giving her up was something I couldn't live with. For me, personally. I would never judge anyone else for making that choice. That choice is hard too. There really are no good choices in that situation. All I want is for women to heal and be strong, however that needs to happen.

[eri]

Seems like these sheltered pro-life people have no idea how rampant child abuse and the need for fostering and adoption is.

I've said for a long time now that I don't take pro life people seriously unless they adopt at least one kid for every bio kid they have.

[salex]

Seems like these sheltered pro-life people have no idea how rampant child abuse and the need for fostering and adoption is.

I've said for a long time now that I don't take pro life people seriously unless they adopt at least one kid for every bio kid they have.

My husband would agree with you. We know literally dozens of very vocal anti abortion people who can get very wound up about what kinds of punishments should be meted out and might whisper that "while they could not condone murder, at least Tiller was no longer killing babies" and some who work actively in groups that are very anti abortion. For the vast majority of them, they might (and this is rare) donate a few dollars for diapers, but more liklely donate for anti-abortion brochures.

However, one man my husband worked with fostered and adopted 3 children after their 3 bio kids were in their late teens. 2 had disabilities, inlcluding one 12 year old boy, and one didn't, but they seemed to be doing a good job parenting these kids.

So, yes, we'd listen when they talked about abortion (didin't change our minds)

We were less enthused when they talked about praying for the death of some of the older church members so they could bring in a new, different thinking minister... (that was just weird)

[2xx1xy1JD]

Seems like these sheltered pro-life people have no idea how rampant child abuse and the need for fostering and adoption is.

I've said for a long time now that I don't take pro life people seriously unless they adopt at least one kid for every bio kid they have.

I won't accuse someone like Adeye (nogreaterjoymom.com) of being a hypocrite. She's been willing to do what it takes to parent children with severe disabilities and a desperate need for a home.

At the same time, though, I don't want to push adoption as this magical thing that everyone needs to do. It's one option for some children, but it won't be the best option in all cases. Look at past threads about "fundie child collectors". Adoption works if it is honestly the best option for a particular child, and if the parents truly want to parent this child and be committed to this child forever and are fully prepared to deal with the child's needs. It's not a badge that declares that you are more righteous, or a license to harass others.

[patsymae]

“I've said for a long time now that I don't take pro life people seriously unless they adopt at least one kid for every bio kid they have.â€

“However, one man my husband worked with fostered and adopted 3 children after their 3 bio kids were in their late teens. 2 had disabilities, inlcluding one 12 year old boy, and one didn't, but they seemed to be doing a good job parenting these kids.

So, yes, we'd listen when they talked about abortion (didin't change our minds)â€

This just pisses me off on so many levels. Adopting or not adopting children (and thanks to the poster Yah-some for his/her post) has nothing to do with whether someone has the right to prevent a woman from terminating a pregnancy.

Not to mention, as Yah and others have, that the “adopt to prove your commitment†has disastrous consequences for the actual humans involved.

[tigerchild]

Children who have been surrendered for adoption should not be used as tools to make their adoptive parents feel justified or superior in their political beliefs, plz k thx.

I would rather people who don't want to adopt don't do it, than see it as yet another thing that people should praise them for in addition to being pro-life. As someone who was adopted by people who felt they "had to" and who was resented by my adoptive "mother" every day of my life for not instahealing her grief over her infertility and who never measured up to the perfect imaginary child of "her own" that she should have had--I seriously can't say too many "fuck off"s to people who think that people should adopt for any other reason than they wish to parent a child by adoption.

Also, if anyone in the family or friends circle knows about the rape, the child should be told as soon as developmentally appropriate. I think people do not realize how hard it is to keep secrets like that. If it's known then somebody almost always tells. The people I've known who have found out that they were conceived from rape as children and who were brought into this knowledge by the parents that raised them may not always have been happy about that and definitely when through stages at different points in their life but were all infinitely better off than the people who discover later through someone other than their parent. IMO it's truly not worth the risk. But this kind of thing is what generally gets you labeled as an 'angry adoptee type' so. :)