Sparkling Adventures in Child Neglect - "Gayby" is Born!

[thoughtful]

http://m.essentialbaby.com.au/birth/birth-stories/lauren-gives-the-ultimate-gift-despite-her-own-personal-loss-20141114-11m141.html

This is the biggest parenting site in Australia... So much going low key...

Thanks for finding and posting this. It would have been nice if they'd spelled Agust's first name right.

From the article:

Lauren visited the couple Ben Randalsson and August Karlsson in their home town of Reyjkavik, Iceland, last year after meeting them on a surrogacy website.

Did we know this before? She's done such an odd mix of being open and acting like it was all for the love of two friends, that I've lost track of whether she openly said she went looking on surrogacy sites or acted like they were friends already all along.

My google-fu is failing me.

[ViolaSebastian]

whats the name of the baby?

Daniel Valur.

[flubber]

Thanks for finding and posting this. It would have been nice if they'd spelled Agust's first name right.

From the article:

Did we know this before? She's done such an odd mix of being open and acting like it was all for the love of two friends, that I've lost track of whether she openly said she went looking on surrogacy sites or acted like they were friends already all along.

My google-fu is failing me.

She met them on a surrogacy site

http://www.sparklingadventures.com/index.php?id=1997

"I contacted Ágúst and Ben through a surrogacy website, and from my first tentative email, we’ve developed a solid and fun friendship"

It all looks like cut and paste stuff.

[Annasopinion]

I never thought this was going to end well, but even I am surprised that the GoldstarGays didn't do an inclusive shot with them AND Lauren in the birthing pool immediately after Daniel's birth. It's like he's in that pool as if he's just given birth or something - where's Lauren?? Daniel is her child and I think such a photo would be good for him to see in the future.

I really wonder if they've already started phasing her out.... and how quickly she'll be back in Australia?

This is so damn sad. I'm really worried about the emotional toll on the girls too. Talking to the bump and leaving behind a brother are two very different things.

[Lissa1481]

She met them on a surrogacy site

http://www.sparklingadventures.com/index.php?id=1997

"I contacted Ágúst and Ben through a surrogacy website, and from my first tentative email, we’ve developed a solid and fun friendship"

It all looks like cut and paste stuff.

definitely. I can remember those quotes from various blog Postings. And they obviously looked at the Facebook pages.

Hey Lauren, the Internet is forever.

[thoughtful]

http://www.sparklingadventures.com/index.php?id=1997

"I contacted Ágúst and Ben through a surrogacy website, and from my first tentative email, we’ve developed a solid and fun friendship"

Thanks! I couldn't find where (or even if) she'd admitted that from the beginning.

[LadyBlue]

As an adoptee, I find that birth pool picture so disturbing. I don't even have words. Babies are biologically designed to go to their mother right after birth. The fact they couldn't even give the baby (& Lauren) a few minutes at such a vulnerable and biologically sensitive moment is really upsetting. I hope they'll be good parents to him, but it doesn't bode well to me that his first moments in life were about them and their wants, not him and his needs.

As for Lauren, I hope she and the girls get home safely and that, somehow, there is someone there to rescue the girls if things get really bad. If Lauren has had really bad PPD or even PPP after the others, it's going to be far, far worse this time. Not just because it gets worse every time, but also the hormones involved when you give a baby up are basically telling your that the baby died and she never let herself grieve for the baby who actually died. It could get very, very ugly. I'm very worried for the girls.

[So Many Lies]

Thanks! I couldn't find where (or even if) she'd admitted that from the beginning.

Well actually she saw them on the website and decided to subvert the process by contacting them off the books.

[So Many Lies]

As an adoptee, I find that birth pool picture so disturbing. I don't even have words. Babies are biologically designed to go to their mother right after birth. The fact they couldn't even give the baby (& Lauren) a few minutes at such a vulnerable and biologically sensitive moment is really upsetting. I hope they'll be good parents to him, but it doesn't bode well to me that his first moments in life were about them and their wants, not him and his needs.

As for Lauren, I hope she and the girls get home safely and that, somehow, there is someone there to rescue the girls if things get really bad. If Lauren has had really bad PPD or even PPP after the others, it's going to be far, far worse this time. Not just because it gets worse every time, but also the hormones involved when you give a baby up are basically telling your that the baby died and she never let herself grieve for the baby who actually died. It could get very, very ugly. I'm very worried for the girls.

I agree with all that.

[So Many Lies]

I never thought this was going to end well, but even I am surprised that the GoldstarGays didn't do an inclusive shot with them AND Lauren in the birthing pool immediately after Daniel's birth. It's like he's in that pool as if he's just given birth or something - where's Lauren?? Daniel is her child and I think such a photo would be good for him to see in the future.

I really wonder if they've already started phasing her out.... and how quickly she'll be back in Australia?

This is so damn sad. I'm really worried about the emotional toll on the girls too. Talking to the bump and leaving behind a brother are two very different things.

I agree. It is pantomime. I don't think it's healthy to cut Lauren out. She isn't a handbag and the dad didn't give birth. I don't like Lauren at all but these guys can't pretend Lauren doesn't exist. Well she'll find ways to inveigle her way into their lives anyway. If they will allow it.

I'd say they will resist these efforts leading to Lauren feeling rejected. I do predict a severe bout of PPD.

[Annasopinion]

I agree. It is pantomime. I don't think it's healthy to cut Lauren out. She isn't a handbag and the dad didn't give birth. I don't like Lauren at all but these guys can't pretend Lauren doesn't exist. Well she'll find ways to inveigle her way into their lives anyway. If they will allow it.

I'd say they will resist these efforts leading to Lauren feeling rejected. I do predict a severe bout of PPD.

Its all about DADDY not the baby. Surely a newborn should held by its mother?! This poor baby being swooped from the woman who has basically just sold a human. Its so profoundly sad. I hope everyone is OK, it must be such a confusing and sad time for her girls.

[Blahblah]

Has anyone signed up for tsu to see what she's doing on there?

[Evilbad]

Lauren probably doesn't view the baby as hers. This is their child. Some of the comments are getting kind of gross and gay bashing. You think any other gay couple who uses a surrogate doesn't take these pics? And do you know that there were no pics of Lauren and the baby? They posted a birth announcement of their child.

[Marianne]

Lauren probably doesn't view the baby as hers. This is their child. Some of the comments are getting kind of gross and gay bashing. You think any other gay couple who uses a surrogate doesn't take these pics? And do you know that there were no pics of Lauren and the baby? They posted a birth announcement of their child.

To be against (or very puzzled) with surrogacy is not "gay bashing". I'm married to a woman and I'm against surrogacy (in all cases, hetero or gay).

So, yes, I think it's confusing and bad for her girls to see that mama is able to sell/give (we all know she have been payed for it) their little brother, specially when they've already loose a little brother

[heidi]

As another adoptee I second the uncomfortable feeling of their facebook photos. Adoption so often becomes all about the parents and what they "gained" that the child and their (very real) loss is completely forgotten.

[samithemage]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

I actually bit the bullet and joined her tsu thing. I believe we can summarize but not quote. Mods please delete if I'm wrong. Basically, she's planning on taking her encapsulated placenta, being self aware, and hanging out with her midwife and close friends to stave off any ppd.

[acheronbeach]

Its all about DADDY not the baby. Surely a newborn should held by its mother?! This poor baby being swooped from the woman who has basically just sold a human. Its so profoundly sad. I hope everyone is OK, it must be such a confusing and sad time for her girls.

It's a birth announcement about their new family. I think it would be odd if they included a pic of Lauren... She isn't going to be in the picture anymore. Yeah, it's dad for her, but I don't think they need to identify that in announcing a really joyous moment in their lives.

I'm also uncomfortable with the idea that somehow a dad holding his baby is somehow inferior to a mom. Just... no.

[Lissa1481]

We don't know for sure though. They could have taken pictures that included Lauren and not posted them.

[Evilbad]

A lot of the comments about it being "unnatural" and how dad shouldn't be holding the baby and crying are indeed, toeing the line on homosexuality being unnatural. DH held our son, skin to skin, and cried, after he was born, while I was delivering the placenta and getting stitched up. I didn't want pics of my bloated face, eyes with blood vessels broken, pale and exhausted, posted anywhere. The pics of DS and us directly after his birth have never been shared with anybody but the 3 of us, they are personal. What we choose to share is directly up to us as a family, same as the parents and Lauren here.

Whether you agree with surrogacy or not, this is a decision that these three adults have made. I've read several accounts, by surrogates, that the baby didn't really "Feel" like theirs from the start, that the attachment was different, that it felt natural and okay to hand over the baby. And, the more involved a parent is from the start, the stronger the bond. Since we all know that this child will be raised by the gay couple, they deserve the opportunity to bond with that baby, and that baby deserves the best bonding experience he can have with the parents that will be raising him. Bonding with Lauren won't really accomplish anything, as we all know she is fairly detached from her other children, and she will be leaving him soon anyways.

If there's nothing else that's been well-established by this forum, the fact that anybody can have a ton of babies, but actually parenting them doesn't necessarily happen by the birth parents, is something that we all know well. It's just ironic that, now when it's two gay men who are the parents, cries of "Why isn't the baby bonding with MOMMY!!!" and wondering why the birth mother isn't involved, are being thrown up.

[docmom]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

I actually bit the bullet and joined her tsu thing. I believe we can summarize but not quote. Mods please delete if I'm wrong. Basically, she's planning on taking her encapsulated placenta, being self aware, and hanging out with her midwife and close friends to stave off any ppd.

Well that sounds like a disaster in the making... Thanks for joining!

My two cents on the "mommy bonding"- there are many times when it is not possible for mothers to bond immediately with their newborns. With my youngest, for example, she was too hypothermic and had to go to the NICU. There's no evidence that not having skin to skin bonding with a female right after birth has any lasting effect on a baby. Lauren's son looks like he has two doting parents right now. Hopefully he'll do well but if he doesn't it won't have anything to do with cuddling up to his Dad after birth.

[Evilbad]

And actually, DS didn't go to either DH or me directly after he was born. His amniotic fluid had meconium mixed in, and they took him away immediately to ensure that his lungs were clear and that he didn't suffer any problems from it. We had to be very quiet and calm right after he was out, so that it wouldn't cause him to cry too much until they'd ensured he was clear and okay. I got him after that, and then DH took him while they took care of me.

[Rachel333]

A lot of the comments about it being "unnatural" and how dad shouldn't be holding the baby and crying are indeed, toeing the line on homosexuality being unnatural. DH held our son, skin to skin, and cried, after he was born, while I was delivering the placenta and getting stitched up. I didn't want pics of my bloated face, eyes with blood vessels broken, pale and exhausted, posted anywhere. The pics of DS and us directly after his birth have never been shared with anybody but the 3 of us, they are personal. What we choose to share is directly up to us as a family, same as the parents and Lauren here.

Whether you agree with surrogacy or not, this is a decision that these three adults have made. I've read several accounts, by surrogates, that the baby didn't really "Feel" like theirs from the start, that the attachment was different, that it felt natural and okay to hand over the baby. And, the more involved a parent is from the start, the stronger the bond. Since we all know that this child will be raised by the gay couple, they deserve the opportunity to bond with that baby, and that baby deserves the best bonding experience he can have with the parents that will be raising him. Bonding with Lauren won't really accomplish anything, as we all know she is fairly detached from her other children, and she will be leaving him soon anyways.

If there's nothing else that's been well-established by this forum, the fact that anybody can have a ton of babies, but actually parenting them doesn't necessarily happen by the birth parents, is something that we all know well. It's just ironic that, now when it's two gay men who are the parents, cries of "Why isn't the baby bonding with MOMMY!!!" and wondering why the birth mother isn't involved, are being thrown up.

I agree, and I'm a bit surprised by some of these comments. For one thing, I don't think that a few pictures of just the three of them means that the parents are ignoring Lauren's role in the process, but this also is not the same as an adoption. Even though this was a traditional surrogacy (which to me is a little more problematic than gestational surrogacy where an egg donor is used and the surrogate is not biologically related to the child), from the start the baby was destined for his two fathers, not Lauren. I'll admit that I'm not completely sure how I feel about surrogacy, but I think the baby will be fine with two fathers.

[Violet]

Well that sounds like a disaster in the making... Thanks for joining!

My two cents on the "mommy bonding"- there are many times when it is not possible for mothers to bond immediately with their newborns. With my youngest, for example, she was too hypothermic and had to go to the NICU. There's no evidence that not having skin to skin bonding with a female right after birth has any lasting effect on a baby. Lauren's son looks like he has two doting parents right now. Hopefully he'll do well but if he doesn't it won't have anything to do with cuddling up to his Dad after birth.

This! My parents weren't able to hold me until I was 10 days old (1 of triplets, born at 28 weeks) plus my mum was knocked out for the csection because the epidural didn't work, so wasn't even awake when we were born and as a result my dad wasn't in the room, yet I have a close bond and fantastic relationship with both of my parents.

[browncoatslytherin]

Well actually she saw them on the website and decided to subvert the process by contacting them off the books.

probably because going on the books means she'll have to go through all kinds of medical care for the baby, and we all know the sparkly one just doesn't do that

[browncoatslytherin]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

I actually bit the bullet and joined her tsu thing. I believe we can summarize but not quote. Mods please delete if I'm wrong. Basically, she's planning on taking her encapsulated placenta, being self aware, and hanging out with her midwife and close friends to stave off any ppd.

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

i can't get to fb on my work computer as our filter blocks it. could you post a broken link to the tsu thing here? i'd be interested to join as well. i just fell down that rabbit hole...last month, i think. and now i can't stop!