Sparkling Adventures in Child Neglect - "Gayby" is Born!

[busdrivingmom]

This! My parents weren't able to hold me until I was 10 days old (1 of triplets, born at 28 weeks) plus my mum was knocked out for the csection because the epidural didn't work, so wasn't even awake when we were born and as a result my dad wasn't in the room, yet I have a close bond and fantastic relationship with both of my parents.

It wasn't as long for me, I think my mom said it was a few hours until they saw me and a few more after that until they could hold me. I tried to come out shoulder first and they knocked her out and pulled me out with high forceps (this was before c-sections were common). My dad was banished to the waiting room during my mom's labor, so he wasn't there either when I was born. My relationship with my parents isn't perfect but we are doing well.

Also, maybe there are pictures of Lauren, but they are keeping them private just for their son. Or it could be like a friend of mine who's husband posted a very unflattering pic of her after their son was born, she looked awful, blood shot and bloated. Once my friend found out, she let her husband have it.

[happy atheist]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

I actually bit the bullet and joined her tsu thing. I believe we can summarize but not quote. Mods please delete if I'm wrong. Basically, she's planning on taking her encapsulated placenta, being self aware, and hanging out with her midwife and close friends to stave off any ppd.

That's fine.

[happy atheist]

She met them on a surrogacy site

http://www.sparklingadventures.com/index.php?id=1997

"I contacted Ágúst and Ben through a surrogacy website, and from my first tentative email, we’ve developed a solid and fun friendship"

It all looks like cut and paste stuff.

Lauren found them on a surrogacy site, but didn't want to pay the fee to join and contact them, so she internet-stalked them instead. Totally healthy.

From the Global Gayby blog:

So, in June 2013, after putting out a few feelers through local surrogacy networks, and contacting some gay friends, I browsed the net. Late one night, I stumbled across a compelling introduction from a couple on the other side of the world.

Daniel and Titus wanted a surrogate mother, preferably a redhead.

“That’s me!” I thought.

And so our journey began.

The surrogacy site upon which I first read D&T’s introduction requires paid membership to make contact. I couldn’t even contact potential parents without paying a too-high membership fee. That sucks.

Seriously, I’m offering myself for this lovely transaction and someone’s trying to limit it by making a buck? It’s like having to pay to stand in line to drop money into a World Vision jar on the counter.

I do not want to give my money to that. It smacks of opportunistic usury — squeezing money from desperate couples.

So I used the identifying details in Daniel’s introduction to track him down. I knew the town he lives in, his career, his employer and what he looks like. Although I didn’t know his last name, I soon discovered it. Then I found his personal website.

Easy — like it was meant to be.

Hint: If you’re using a third-party site to find a surrogacy match, provide details that make you findable online… without leaving your email address. (I later modified my description to include it, and was summarily excommunicated.)

So, having located Daniel’s email address, I sent an introduction, providing details about myself and linking to my own personal blog so D&T could check me out properly.

[nelliebelle1197]

I'm comforted somewhat that since the interent is "forever" - at least, Lauren's daughters will be easily able to find their brother later in life should they chose. Because I have no doubts that the dads will drop Lauren like a hot potato now that they have what they want....

I am shocked by this statement. The child belongs to the fathers, not Lauren. Why on earth would they have any business intruding on this family if the fathers or child do not want it? They biologically related, but this is not their brother

[Evilbad]

Yeah I don't even know how to address that statement. There's a lot going on this thread that is just.....wow.

[samithemage]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

i can't get to fb on my work computer as our filter blocks it. could you post a broken link to the tsu thing here? i'd be interested to join as well. i just fell down that rabbit hole...last month, i think. and now i can't stop!

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

tsu.co/SparklingAdventures

You have to join tsu and friend her to see her posts, but I think she friends anyone who asks. I'm keeping my stuff hidden so she hopefully doesn't start blocking or unfriending people

[browncoatslytherin]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

tsu.co/SparklingAdventures

You have to join tsu and friend her to see her posts, but I think she friends anyone who asks. I'm keeping my stuff hidden so she hopefully doesn't start blocking or unfriending people

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

thanks! :D

[ladyaudley]

{L_MESSAGE_HIDDEN}:

I joined too, but she hasn't accepted my friend request yet.

[nelliebelle1197]

Its all about DADDY not the baby. Surely a newborn should held by its mother?! This poor baby being swooped from the woman who has basically just sold a human. Its so profoundly sad. I hope everyone is OK, it must be such a confusing and sad time for her girls.

Lauren is not this child's mother in anything other than a biological sense. of course it is about the fathers and their bond. This is their child

[browncoatslytherin]

Lauren is not this child's mother in anything other than a biological sense. of course it is about the fathers and their bond. This is their child

i hate to sound cold, but really, the less exposure lauren has to the baby himself the better. the more she's allowed to see him, hold him, etc. means more and more of a bond is made and will ultimately make it harder and harder for her to walk away, worsening the depression when she is forced to.

[church_of_dog]

i hate to sound cold, but really, the less exposure lauren has to the baby himself the better. the more she's allowed to see him, hold him, etc. means more and more of a bond is made and will ultimately make it harder and harder for her to walk away, worsening the depression when she is forced to.

I don't think that's cold, I think it's just practical and realistic. And to give her a little credit, perhaps she is aware of that and is doing some things to reduce the risk/severity of her expected PPD. I still agree it was a foolish thing for her to do the surrogacy in the first place, but if we accept that she was bound and determined to do that for whatever reason, maybe she is actually trying to minimize the coming impact.

[August]

probably because going on the books means she'll have to go through all kinds of medical care for the baby, and we all know the sparkly one just doesn't do that

No, it's because absolutely no surrogacy coordinator in their right mind would touch her with a ten foot pole. Her baby had been dead less than a year when she signed up with the gold stars. And she has a history of terrible PPD. It's a recipe for disaster.

[August]

I am shocked by this statement. The child belongs to the fathers, not Lauren. Why on earth would they have any business intruding on this family if the fathers or child do not want it? They biologically related, but this is not their brother

That's not a decision the adults get to make for the children. They are not property, they are people.

Do you really advocate closed and burned adoptions? Secret and anonymous gamete donation? We did all that, and it was disastrous. Siblings have the right to know each other, period.

[nelliebelle1197]

:shhh:

That's not a decision the adults get to make for the children. They are not property, they are people.

Do you really advocate closed and burned adoptions? Secret and anonymous gamete donation? We did all that, and it was disastrous. Siblings have the right to know each other, period.

This is not an adoption. This is a surrogacy. Lauren's children have no business seeking out this child if the parents do not want it and if the child does not want it. I have two biological half siblings I have no desire to encounter. I had a biological father I never wanted to meet. My uncles have a half biological brother who contacted them and with whom they wanted nothing to do.

Based on the internet presence and openness of the parents, I think it safe to say that Daniel will be fully informed on the situation of his birth. If he wants to contact the girls, that HIS decision, not theirs.

Not everyone feels the same way. PERIOD.

[moodygirl86]

I definitely think to be a surrogate you have to be VERY good at switching off your emotions. Lauren's clearly not like that.

[nelliebelle1197]

I definitely think to be a surrogate you have to be VERY good at switching off your emotions. Lauren's clearly not like that.

That is the best insight in this thread.

[Idolatry]

This is not an adoption. This is a surrogacy. Lauren's children have no business seeking out this child if the parents do not want it and if the child does not want it. I have two biological half siblings I have no desire to encounter. I had a biological father I never wanted to meet. My uncles have a half biological brother who contacted them and with whom they wanted nothing to do.

Based on the internet presence and openness of the parents, I think it safe to say that Daniel will be fully informed on the situation of his birth. If he wants to contact the girls, that HIS decision, not theirs.

Not everyone feels the same way. PERIOD.

LOL. You must know more about questionably legal Icelandic surrogacies than this entire thread. There is "no paperwork" and surrogacy is illegal in Iceland, so you tell me what this is. Legally, maybe she has MORE right to this baby than anyone else right now. Maybe she could even pop up years later with fun international custody issues. Maybe the kid will decide he wants to go live with his mom in an Australian van someday where he doesn't have to do square things like go to school and bathe. Who knows, I don't see an Icelandic surrogacy lawyer in this thread. It sounds like a legal and ethical nightmare to me. If I were these guys, I would live my whole life looking over my shoulder for this sparkly woman.

Just because you hate your siblings and your dad doesn't mean everyone else does. I hope these kids, no matter where they are living, do have a relationship with each other. These guys might be a good resource for the poor girls.

[Georgiana]

The point is, the decision of whether or not to know/have a relationship with his siblings/mother should be DANIEL's and not anyone else's. His parents don't/shouldn't make that decision for him, and I feel that closed and burned adoptions in many ways do make that decision for the child.

My siblings are both adopted. We do not have active contact with either of their biological families. However, anything and everything we ever knew about their biological families is in a file for each of them, and if they ever want it, they can get it. At this point, one has chosen to get to know his bio sister and the other has no interest. The parents don't have to actively keep communication open, but they shouldn't destroy anything either. Get the information, put it in a file, and let the child choose what he wants when he comes of age.

Plus, it's good medical sense. You never know when/if you will need a match for something OR if you need to inquire about family medical history.

[Lissa1481]

The biggest problem is that she is biologically related, so really it's more of an unwed couple having a child than it is a surrogacy. I'm guessing that's how they can get away with doing this.

I had a neighbor who was a surrogate. The man's sperm, a donated egg, and her womb. She said though she enjoyed being pregnant, she had no problem letting the baby go, it wasn't hers. This was all legal though, with medical tests, Dr visits, and counseling just in case.

[nelliebelle1197]

LOL. You must know more about questionably legal Icelandic surrogacies than this entire thread. There is "no paperwork" and surrogacy is illegal in Iceland, so you tell me what this is. Legally, maybe she has MORE right to this baby than anyone else right now. Maybe she could even pop up years later with fun international custody issues. Maybe the kid will decide he wants to go live with his mom in an Australian van someday where he doesn't have to do square things like go to school and bathe. Who knows, I don't see an Icelandic surrogacy lawyer in this thread. It sounds like a legal and ethical nightmare to me. If I were these guys, I would live my whole life looking over my shoulder for this sparkly woman.

Just because you hate your siblings and your dad doesn't mean everyone else does. I hope these kids, no matter where they are living, do have a relationship with each other. These guys might be a good resource for the poor girls.

And just because some people want to know their biological family does not mean every one else does. I don't know why that is so hard to understand. That is all I was saying - from first hand experience- in response to the sweeping generalizations about how Daniel should not be denied his "mother" that others were making. And I never said I hated anyone - I have never met these people and have no desire to. Extrapolate much?

What YOU are missing is that this child is not Lauren's, she will not be his mother in anything other than biology and that the fathers are his parents. If they choose to have Lauren in his life, that is THEIR decision - all three of the grownups. Lauren may not want anything to do with the kid. You have no idea what their situation is.

And WTF? Where did I say I knew anything about Icelandic law? Whatever the law is, this is an open surrogacy, not adoption. That has nothing to do with the law, it has to do with the circumstance. People seem to be forgetting that this child will be living with his biological FATHER who may make different choices for him than you would. This is NOT a traditional adoption. It's a surrogacy. BTW, have they even been clear as to whether they used Lauren's actual eggs or whether she is a gestational surrogate?

In the end, it is DANIEL'S choice as an adult whether he considers Lauren and her children his family and Daniel's FATHERS' choice when he is a child. No one can judge what is right or wrong in these situations from the outside. Only the people IN the circumstance can make rational decisions. What makes your family is not your biology. It is who you choose to love and let in.There is nothing wrong with Daniel's fathers choosing not to let him have a relationship with Lauren when he is a child or Daniel choosing to ignore that part of his biology as an adult.

I really doubt these reactions would be so... judgmental and snide... towards the parents if this was a straight couple. How is the situation different than when lesbians or straight couples choose a sperm donor? Those men sell their sperm to make babies. It's a double standard and does smack of homophobia.

[nelliebelle1197]

The biggest problem is that she is biologically related, so really it's more of an unwed couple having a child than it is a surrogacy. I'm guessing that's how they can get away with doing this.

I had a neighbor who was a surrogate. The man's sperm, a donated egg, and her womb. She said though she enjoyed being pregnant, she had no problem letting the baby go, it wasn't hers. This was all legal though, with medical tests, Dr visits, and counseling just in case.

There are two types of surrogates: traditional and gestational. A traditional surrogate is donating both eggs and womb. Gestational is only the womb. Traditional surrogacy is just as legal as gestational in many, many places. I am pretty sure the fathers are married legally in Iceland (where gay marriage is legal) so that analogy does not work. All surrogacy is illegal in Iceland per a quick internet search so they are probably just having the non-bio father adopt. Wonder if they will get away with it?

[Evilbad]

I really doubt these reactions would be so... judgmental and snide... towards the parents if this was a straight couple. How is the situation different than when lesbians or straight couples choose a sperm donor? Those men sell their sperm to make babies. It's a double standard and does smack of homophobia.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[So Many Lies]

To be against (or very puzzled) with surrogacy is not "gay bashing". I'm married to a woman and I'm against surrogacy (in all cases, hetero or gay).

So, yes, I think it's confusing and bad for her girls to see that mama is able to sell/give (we all know she have been payed for it) their little brother, specially when they've already loose a little brother

[happy atheist]

BTW, have they even been clear as to whether they used Lauren's actual eggs or whether she is a gestational surrogate?

It's Lauren's egg. She's a magical redhead, remember? They put the sperm in a disposable menstrual cup which she inserted.

[So Many Lies]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

No.

I'm not going to hold these guys to a different standard. They chose a surrogate off the books with previous mental health issues and a recently deceased son.

Sorry but no. That isn't right.

Would I endorse similar behavior in a hetero couple. Absolutely not.