Lori Alexander:Being treated poorly not grounds for divorce

[snuggles911]

Lori at Always Learning has a new post about emotionally abused wives. She writes about a woman she knew who dated an abusive man, but thankfully didn't marry him.

Being treated poorly is not grounds for divorce. I would never encourage her to get a divorce. I have mentored women who are being treated poorly by their husbands and my advice is always the same. Win them without a word. Good overcomes evil. Heap burning coals upon their head. A soft answer turns away wrath. Love your enemies. All biblical advice.

On a positive note, she encourages women in such relationships to seek emotional support.

We were never meant to go through this life alone. When you married a man that does not treat you good, you need help; good, solid, biblical comfort and support. Don't try to do it alone. Don't let your husband beat you up verbally without a strong support system underneath you to hold you up, pray with you and for you.

A faithful wife who stands by her abusive man may be rewarded by seeing him in Heaven.

Only the woman in this situation can decide what to do. Just remember, God hates divorce and divorce solves nothing of eternal significance. A godly woman sanctifies her husband. She may be the only Jesus he ever sees and if he spends eternity in heaven because of her faithful dedication to him and her marriage, it will all be worth the pain.

I really hope that her emotionally abused readers don't take her advice seriously. Lori makes me want to scream. :pull-hair:

[NotALoserLikeYou]

She completely does not get the toll emotional abuse takes on a person. An abused wife cannot just focus on being a good wife to win over her husband to Jesus. She will be depressed, scared, anxious, crying, etc a lot of the time. It's no way to live and it hurts to be treated that way.

[docmom]

Only the woman in this situation can decide what to do. Just remember, God hates divorce and divorce solves nothing of eternal significance. A godly woman sanctifies her husband. She may be the only Jesus he ever sees and if he spends eternity in heaven because of her faithful dedication to him and her marriage, it will all be worth the pain.

If I were being abused, emotionally or physically, and my reward for keeping quiet and letting my abuser get on with it was to spend the REST OF ETERNITY in their presence, I'd be doing everything in my power to get to the other place.

[formergothardite]

I've been saying all along that neither she or Ken understands emotional abuse. I think this post shows this clearly. I wouldn't think that being raised in a home with a guy who emotionally abuses their mother would be good for children either.

At least she throws out that women can separate from their husbands over this. That is an improvement. And she doesn't appear to blame the women in this one.

[Koala]

Ken's thoughts on emotionally abused women:

just because a wife is emotionally abused does not mean she should leave her man or take him to the elders, or separate

Lori wrote the following on her facebook:

Don't use the word "divorce" under any circumstances. It can be self-fulfilling prophecy. You made a commitment to this man before God for better or for worse

[guidedbybobafett]

These two irrelevant trolls.

[debrand]

Fundie girls must be very confused. On one hand they are told before marriage that if they follow a certain set of rules they will have a perfect marriage. After marriage they are told that all the problems are on them and that they must remain in an abusive situation because that is what god wants. I can't imagine why any parent would want that for their daughters.

[doggie]

does a beaten dog who faithfully wags its tail every time it sees its ,master cause the beatings to stop?

[formergothardite]

I had looked at the comments and there were three. One of them had a story of an emotionally abused woman whose husband almost killed her. I sort of skimmed it and didn't read the whole thing but it didn't seem out of line or anything, but now it is gone. Anyone else see it? This makes Ken's excuse that Lori didn't respond to the rape comment because she thought it was a troll even more laughable. If she had really thought it was a troll she would have deleted it.

ETA: there was another comment from a woman whose grandmother(?) was emotionally abused for 50 years and the toll it took on her and the kids in the family. So much for always learning.

[TrueRebel1]

Fundie girls must be very confused. On one hand they are told before marriage that if they follow a certain set of rules they will have a perfect marriage. After marriage they are told that all the problems are on them and that they must remain in an abusive situation because that is what god wants. I can't imagine why any parent would want that for their daughters.

You know, that is an interesting aspect which I haven't thought about much. In the courtship plan, a girl (and/or her father/parents) has a huge list of standards which a young man must meet before she considers him worthy or potential marriage. Pre-marriage, all the power is in the girl's (or her father's) hands. SHE decides if a guy is good enough to marry. But post-marriage, the power lies with the husband. He can get away with anything he wants, and she must overlook his shortcomings, his bad decisions, his poor attitudes, and even abuse. She has no say in it. She must be the passive, submissive wife.

These beliefs do not add up! Something is really messed up.

[Firiel]

I've been saying all along that neither she or Ken understands emotional abuse. I think this post shows this clearly. I wouldn't think that being raised in a home with a guy who emotionally abuses their mother would be good for children either.

At least she throws out that women can separate from their husbands over this. That is an improvement. And she doesn't appear to blame the women in this one.

I agree. It seems like they think that emotional abuse is synonymous to "is a jerk sometimes" or "is not a great communicator" or "responds to certain conflicts in unhealthy ways." I mean, all of those would be true of someone who is emotionally abusive but can also true of a good man/woman in a good OR struggling marriage who truly loves his/her spouse. They don't seem to realize that emotional abuse is the insidious breaking-down of the other person's sense of self-identity and self-worth, that it's usually done purposefully and maliciously, and that emotional abusers DO NOT love their spouses except perhaps in the twisted, possessive way that you could argue physical abusers love their spouses.

[Koala]

I had looked at the comments and there were three. One of them had a story of an emotionally abused woman whose husband almost killed her. I sort of skimmed it and didn't read the whole thing but it didn't seem out of line or anything, but now it is gone. Anyone else see it? This makes Ken's excuse that Lori didn't respond to the rape comment because she thought it was a troll even more laughable. If she had really thought it was a troll she would have deleted it.

ETA: there was another comment from a woman whose grandmother(?) was emotionally abused for 50 years and the toll it took on her and the kids in the family. So much for always learning.

Yes I read it. Ironically the post was made by the woman who thought she had broken her daughter's arm.

It essentially warned that emotional abuse could easily escalate to physical abuse, and told the story of one of her friends being emotionally abused and then "beaten to a pulp".

Lori has deleted her comment.

[littlemommy]

I had looked at the comments and there were three. One of them had a story of an emotionally abused woman whose husband almost killed her. I sort of skimmed it and didn't read the whole thing but it didn't seem out of line or anything, but now it is gone. Anyone else see it? This makes Ken's excuse that Lori didn't respond to the rape comment because she thought it was a troll even more laughable. If she had really thought it was a troll she would have deleted it.

ETA: there was another comment from a woman whose grandmother(?) was emotionally abused for 50 years and the toll it took on her and the kids in the family. So much for always learning.

I saw that comment also, and was surprised it was there. Now it says "This comment deleted by an administrator."

Yeah, can't have reality harshing Lori's submissive mellow.

[Stynjen]

I had looked at the comments and there were three. One of them had a story of an emotionally abused woman whose husband almost killed her. I sort of skimmed it and didn't read the whole thing but it didn't seem out of line or anything, but now it is gone. Anyone else see it? This makes Ken's excuse that Lori didn't respond to the rape comment because she thought it was a troll even more laughable. If she had really thought it was a troll she would have deleted it.

ETA: there was another comment from a woman whose grandmother(?) was emotionally abused for 50 years and the toll it took on her and the kids in the family. So much for always learning.

I saw it. It was actually from one of her more regular commenters, Happy Wife. Sargent Lori will not tolerate dissension in the ranks! :disgust:

[formergothardite]

I honestly thought Lori would respond in some way because they didn't seem overly against what she was saying, just that in cases of abuse people need to be careful which is not unreasonable advice. If I had known she was going to delete that fast I would have gotten screenshots. Ken claims that their truth is that abuse like this is rare, but there were at least two comments and three stories and Lori deleted them. How many other stories does she delete that don't match what she already believes? She could have gotten comments saying that her advice hurt a woman and Ken wouldn't know because Lori would hit the delete button.

[latraviata]

I honestly thought Lori would respond in some way because they didn't seem overly against what she was saying, just that in cases of abuse people need to be careful which is not unreasonable advice. If I had known she was going to delete that fast I would have gotten screenshots. Ken claims that their truth is that abuse like this is rare, but there were at least two comments and three stories and Lori deleted them. How many other stories does she delete that don't match what she already believes? She could have gotten comments saying that her advice hurt a woman and Ken wouldn't know because Lori would hit the delete button.

When does that Alexander woman finally shut up??!!?? :cray-cray:

[sparkles]

Lori deletes comments because she's a coward. She can't defend the indefensible so she sticks her fingers in her ears, chants "la la la I can't hear you!" and pretends it never happened.

[salex]

I had looked at the comments and there were three. One of them had a story of an emotionally abused woman whose husband almost killed her. I sort of skimmed it and didn't read the whole thing but it didn't seem out of line or anything, but now it is gone. Anyone else see it? This makes Ken's excuse that Lori didn't respond to the rape comment because she thought it was a troll even more laughable. If she had really thought it was a troll she would have deleted it.

ETA: there was another comment from a woman whose grandmother(?) was emotionally abused for 50 years and the toll it took on her and the kids in the family. So much for always learning.

Clearly these women are not part of the 4000 each that Ken and Lori know whose lives go per instruction. They open the comment pool to debate and no one at Always Learning wants that.

[Stynjen]

I guess Lori has my IP address blocked. I just left a comment under my first name, and the second I hit submit, it instantly said "deleted by a blog administrator". Thinking she had just blocked my e-mail address, I used a different one and left largely the same comment, but posted it as "Anonymous" and it, too, was instantly deleted.

Here is what I was trying to post:

Why on earth did you delete Happy Wife's comment? She's a regular commenter on your blog, so you can't pull the "She's a troll" card. Not to mention, her testimony on the lifelong suffering abused women often face, even the ones who muster up the strength to finally leave, is important and should be shared. Are you seriously only able to function in life if you are abusing children, tormenting, oops I mean "training" young women to be doormats, or surrounding yourself with people who nod in agreement and hang on every word of your dangerous posts?

[Stynjen]

Weird, and it's still showing Happy Wife's comment as having been deleted, but my two no longer show up at all. Perhaps because they never made it as far as her trigger happy delete button?

[Koala]

I am trying to imagine what it would be to be so insecure in your own belief system that you had to delete anything that didn't match up. Always learning indeed.

Brainz=they don't haz them.

[formergothardite]

I wonder why she doesn't just approve comments before they show up so she doesn't have to deal with people seeing when she deletes comments that aren't bad but don't match her narrow view of how life should be.

[Koala]

I wonder why she doesn't just approve comments before they show up so she doesn't have to deal with people seeing when she deletes comments that aren't bad but don't match her narrow view of how life should be.

I have wondered the same thing, and long ago came to the conclusion that neither she nor Ken can figure out how to change the settings. ;)

[Toothfairy]

Can anyone tell me who Lori is? She sounds like a nutcase. What's she saying is an abused wife shouldn't leave her husband. I wonder what would happen if she were abused.

[ViolaSebastian]

We were never meant to go through this life alone. When you married a man that does not treat you good, you need help; good, solid, biblical comfort and support. Don't try to do it alone. Don't let your husband beat you up verbally without a strong support system underneath you to hold you up, pray with you and for you.

I agree with everyone thus far regarding emotional abuse being TERRIBLY damaging to a person's well-being, but this jumped out at me. 'Does not treat you good'---seriously, Lori?? It's 'does not treat you WELL'. And this woman was a school teacher??