Modesty doctrine hurts marriages

[Antigone]

I struggle a lot with insecurity, but oh my goodness-- that is quite sad to hear, that the chick flips out over an ad or something. I don't berate hubby if he enjoys a bit of eye candy now and then, he is a human being after all, and so am I.

I hope that lady learns to love herself just a little bit more- it makes a HUGE difference at times. And it's not a bad thing, to love yourself and take a bit of pride in your appearance, It helps the self-esteem by miles. At least, all of this is just my 2 cents and my own experiences.

[sunshine]

From the comments:

Meghan, I love this! I had a similar experience yesterday when we went to the beach. I have a love/hate relationship with it. We usually don't go before 7pm, but we hadn't been to the beach during the day in ages and the kids were begging us, so we went. Not fun. I kind of resent that we have to be strategic about going to the beach, but it's the only way really. {sigh}

Whaaa...? Is this a thing? Going to the beach at night so as not to see women in bathing suits? At the beach, where people wear, you know, bathing suits?

Why doesn't she take her kids to the beach during the Fall? Problem solve.

[salex]

I have been reading this blog for a while and even though Meaghan may be insecure, she is definitely the one who pushed the family into extreme modesty and had to convince her husband to follow her. I am glad you guys are picking up on her. She is an odd duck - an educated lawyer who went extreme fundie. At least her kids are getting a better education than the Duggars!

Any idea what night school she went to for her law degree>?(assuming I read that bit right on her blog)

[RosyDaisy]

Why is it so hard for fundies to understand that it's natural to notice someone who is scantily dressed and pretty/handsome? That's human nature, and it doesn't mean their spouse is about to cheat on them. Damn, they reduce their men to raging animals unable to control themselves. Why aren't men insulted by this?

[salex]

She looks so grim in her pic where she is explaining what modest means for her. It is as if she picked a purposely unattractive look, does her hair in an unbecoming way and calls it modesty.

meghancarver.blogspot.com/2013/06/my-personal-standards-of-modesty.html

This dress would meet all her specifications, but look a lot better on her

http://www.onestopplus.com/clothing/Pet ... 1&ppos=359

Even this in denim with a shirt over it (as she describes as one thing she might wear) would be a smoother look.

I wear 3/4 sleeves and longer sleeves because my upper arms are fat and old, which is not an attractive combination. But I avoid crew necks, as they make my face look fatter and because my husband is a boob man so he likes a glimpse of the girls. (Oh, how immodest)

30 years ago, there was a tv scammer/minister called "Dr. Gene Scott" who called for donations (not tax deductible as he spent it on whatever) and when there were 3 stations on our tv, he was the only thing on in the middle of the night. He was high comedy at our house, and he had a song that played often part of which was "you can go to hell all ugly" meaning the no makeup, no hairdo, bad clothing ideas of modesty were not guarantees of salvation. I would love to read why she dropped the idea of working in the legal profession. There is something about her writing that suggests to me that she is hiding at home--behind her kids, her skirts and her pulled back hair, because the "competing" thing scared her or put her off on a variety of levels. I know professionals who stay home with their kids, but something is pinging with her that makes me wonder.

[Fallgirl30]

I read her post on her version of modesty. All of her scripture examples are from the OT. Why does she spend so much effort atoning for sins that have already been paid for?

[MamaJunebug]

I'm fixin to send her a reply along these lines:

"Dear sister in Christ,

"I'm old enough to be your mother, married nearly 40 years to the same man who still gets ... happy and winks and invites me to come closer every time he sees me undressed, and sometimes, even fully dressed.

"I'm not shaped like I was 40 years ago. He thumbed through Playboy magazines on occasion, years ago, and now he'll browse some sites that I prefer to call erotica -- photos of pretty ladies without clothing.

"He logs off the computer And Comes To Me. His pretty-in-an-older-way, chubby wife.

"What? Why? How can this be?

"Because he loves me, and trust me, our marriage has been nothing resembling a hearts-and-flowers bed of roses.

"Your husband loves you and will come to you after seeing a teen in short shorts because HE LOVES YOU.

"Please consider getting your family to a mainstream Christian church one weekend, just to see how Our Savior manifests Himself where the preaching is of Law AND Gospel, where HIS grace is so much more than our sinful natures. And where you will see couples who may have floundered but who accepted the lifeline God threw them in the form of forgiveness because of Jesus.

"The love of God be with you and yours, dear one."

I doubt she'll read it much past the word "Playboy" but it's worth a try. Just as every little sight of a bare heel tempts a male to go crazy and ravish the world, every bit of Christian common sense spoken/written to these people makes a pinhole's worth of light in their self-imposed darkness.

I feel for them all, but mostly for the impressionable, otherwise-ignorant children.

[bananacat]

I almost wonder if her husband is emotionally abusive. I've gone through a lot of body image stuff due to my emotionally abusive father who had some kind of warped perception of reality and thought that everyone in the family was embarrassingly fat and ugly to be seen with in public even though we were all pretty average. I managed to break away from that relationship for good and it's amazing how much better I feel about myself even though I've gained a ton of weight since then.

But since I've been through that, I'm hyper-sensitive to it and quite certain that I never want to experience that again. So when I'm dating a man, if I feel any kind of insecurity about how he'll view me, that relationship won't get very far. Even if he's not intentionally doing it and it's more about my past hang-ups, I just know that that kind of relationship is toxic. If you are already insecure, no amount of weight loss, makeovers, or covering up "competition" will ever make you feel secure. It is actually quite sad that is she is desperately searching for a way to feel better but going about it in a way that can never be productive.

[niagarahauls]

I also wonder how many of her choices have been colored by her self-esteem issues. Not to doubt the sincerity of her religious views, but I wonder if she would be this extreme if she hadn't gained weight. She talks about hating beaches and swimming pools and mentions that in the rare occasion the family goes to a pool her husband leaves his glasses home to avoid seeing the young girls in bikinis.

She has her two oldest girls swim in long sleeved boys rash guards, swimming trunks, and full underwear. And because they swim so infrequently only 3 of the kids know how to swim. Yet she does admit to being on the swim team as a child, having her photograph taken in her racing suit at Olan Mills and even bringing a bikini on her honeymoon. All opportunities her children will never have.

I understand the urge to hide at home when you gain weight. I really do. There have been times (especially) after giving birth when nothing fit and the thought of putting on a bathing suit is really frightening. But I ordered a black mom suit from Lands End and sucked it up because my kids love the pool. And everyone else is more worried about themselves then my fat ass.

[sonja_kat]

I feel so sorry for her daughters. They should not have to suffer the consequences of their mother's insecurity issues.

[nelliebelle1197]

Any idea what night school she went to for her law degree>?(assuming I read that bit right on her blog)

Nope but when I get a chance I will poke around. Proverbs Mom is a regular commenter, BTW

[fundiefan]

If your marriage can be affected by an advertisement, it's not very strong to begin with. If you or your spouse freak the fuck out over seeing things you don't like, your issues are far deeper than 'modesty'.

[salex]

She talks about hating beaches and swimming pools and mentions that in the rare occasion the family goes to a pool her husband leaves his glasses home to avoid seeing the young girls in bikinis.

Her blog says he is a computer technology professor. While he may not see girls in bikinis every day on campus, he may see some, not to mention a constant stream across campus of young women dressing as young women do.

And she's home hiding mailers with women in the while he's on campus all day? What the hell is the point of that?

If he is as weak dealing with attractive women as she describes him, he probably is in a terror any time he walks across campus.

[wild little fox]

Part of being human is being attracted to others. Once a person realizes that it is not sinful but natural, then the shame dissipates and people can get on with their lives. It is ironic that in their striving to not be in bondage to sin that is exactly where they end up.