Intrusive Questions For Future Son in Law

[mrs]

Clearly, "male accountability partner" means something different to me than it does to him.

Also, this?

Pisses me right off. And no, it's not "that time of the month," fuckwit.

I guess one could go a LONG time without a period during child bearing years if they are quiverfull. I hope this is not the case for the daughter this thread is about, I can’t imagine having back to back pregnancies.

[Many_Spaynes]

10. How are you going to be the financial provider? He better pass this question or else he doesn’t have a chance, because I am not going to pay the bills forever, and he better be able to or else I am not giving my daughter to this guy.

That last bit is my bolding. These people . . .

[debrand]

I guess one could go a LONG time without a period during child bearing years if they are quiverfull. I hope this is not the case for the daughter this thread is about, I can’t imagine having back to back pregnancies.

I wonder if everytime his wife gets angry if David Holt blames her hormones so that he can dismiss her emotions.

[Koala]

These questions are great. That is, for the couple to talk to each other about.

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through Pre-Cana counseling (I'm Catholic, he's Protestant). We spent six weeks meeting with our priest - who was more of a guide than anything, and then a full-day session with other couples, and we covered all of these issues. It's required to marry in the Catholic church, and I think this sort of thing should be required before any marriage (not necessarily all about religion, though).

Off topic and just my .02 cents, but the only thing that should be "required" for marriage is 2 consenting adults. Marriage counseling can be a wonderful thing, but no one should be required to avail themselves to it.

[ShesCrafty]

Off topic and just my .02 cents, but the only thing that should be "required" for marriage is 2 consenting adults. Marriage counseling can be a wonderful thing, but no one should be required to avail themselves to it.

Totally agree. If people want to get counseling before marriage, then that is their choice and nothing wrong with it. However, if I want to run off to Vegas with the man (or woman) I met just two hours ago, then I should be able to do that too.

[RachelB]

This list just seems so as others have said intrusive. Also am I the only one who really hates the assumption women can only be "cranky"in response to hormones? The questions about sex drive seem to be totally inappropriate. What I think would be a funny tit for tat response from a guy would be "here's how I think I would handle it, but how did you handle it sir in your marriage since you have so much more wisdon." My dad so would not have done this crap. His famous line to my mother and attitude to life was "you're going to do what you're going to do, just let me know how it turns out."

My parents are both (retired) pastors and require that any couple whose marriage they officiate will have done some amount of pre-marital counseling. Not necessarily with them, but with someone. They've said that the big sticking points for couples tend to be money, sex, and child-rearing. (Using them as an example, I don't know if they argue about sex, but OH MY do they argue about money, and they definitely had different parenting philosophies.)

I would be happy to have my parents (well, my mom, anyway-- but that's another story) officiate my wedding, if I marry at some point. But I wouldn't do pre-marital counseling with them for obvious reasons. I think it's totally legitimate to think ahead of time about how you'll handle merging finances, or how you'll cope if your sex drives, as a couple, are-- or become-- mismatched. I just think those conversations, if they're going to be facilitated by anyone, ought to be facilitated by someone who's working in a counseling or pastoral capacity. It's a boundary problem for a parent to be involved in those conversations, especially a parent who purports to adhere to the "leave and cleave" philosophy.

[ems]

Periods, pussy and sex....is that all these people think about? with the occasional is your mind right with Jesus, and if your old girlfriend came back would you let her give you a BJ and money.

10. How are you going to be the financial provider? He better pass this question or else he doesn’t have a chance, because I am not going to pay the bills forever, and he better be able to or else I am not giving my daughter to this guy.

What's up with this one, and the underlying assumption that it will be either him or his son-in-law paying the bills? Because women are genetically incapable of earning money and/or paying bills of course...

[crawfishgirl]

Totally agree. If people want to get counseling before marriage, then that is their choice and nothing wrong with it. However, if I want to run off to Vegas with the man (or woman) I met just two hours ago, then I should be able to do that too.

I totally agree as well. My husband and I were in our mid-thirties when we married, and had both been through unsatisfactory prior relationships, so we both knew from experience the qualities that we wanted (and didn't want) in a spouse, and knew better than to just gloss over the major issues (such as money management, children, etc). We didn't have any pre-marital counseling, but our marriage is still strong after more than 10 years.

Interestingly, shortly after we got married, I attended a general office-wide 'meet and greet' with the EAP (counseling) program at work, and a co-worker and I made small talk with the presenter afterwards. I mentioned that I had just gotten married, and he asked if we had received counseling beforehand. I told him no, and he smirked and told me that we would have problems as a result. I thought that the remark was asinine, since he did not know me nor my husband.

[crazyforkate]

I've already told my dad that he and my future fiance are not to have a "pre-proposal ask" when the time comes, as it puts me in the position of being property handed over. Cannot imagine having my daddy hold my husband's hand throughout this ridiculous process. If you're getting married, you SHOULD be a grown-ass person who can handle this shit on your own. Parents should not come into it unless the couple ask.

[Hane]

I'm reminded of the end of "Meet the Parents," in which Robert DeNiro asks Ben Stiller, "Do you want to marry my daughter?" and Ben's answer is, "I *did*"--and then goes on to explain why he couldn't marry a woman whose father didn't know how to set appropriate boundaries.

Geniunely loving his daughter and not being a fundie whackjob, DeNiro backs off (well, to some extent).

[wtylcf]

I totally agree with everyone who already said that some of these questions are good questions to ask, but NOT by a parent of the two people getting married. I think that if your relationship is going to be drastically changing in some way after you get married and you're not talking about it as thoroughly as you could (like, moving in together for the first time, or one of you really expects and wants kids and the other doesn't, or if there are expectations of career changes or advancement post-marriage, or moving away from family for the first time), it's a good idea to check in with an objective third-party for a counseling session. You can't be objective about things that concern your own child, even if said child is a fully independent adult.

Heck, I've been in a relationship for 8 years, and upon reflection, even I think it could be a good idea to talk to a marriage counselor to make sure we're on the same page concerning what marriage means. Not that we couldn't work through any problems, but after 8 years of us pursuing educational and career goals together, a lot of everyday life decisions just sort of just "happen," and you wind up talking about everything but your relationship, which becomes this foundation you take for granted. I can't imagine, though, if my parents felt it was appropriate to ask these sorts of questions to my S.O. It would be completely embarrassing.

[debrand]

There is also the fact that the father is asking his potential son-in-law these questions when they are alone without his daughter present. The daughter's answer to these questions don't matter because her opinion and thoughts are not really important.

[sparkles]

I guess in light of the fact that it's not really a marriage between two adults but the transfer of what amounts to a wind-up toy (with a pull string so she can babble random uplifting cliches on demand) from one owner to another, the questions make perfect sense. :roll:

[ADoyle90815]

There is also the fact that the father is asking his potential son-in-law these questions when they are alone without his daughter present. The daughter's answer to these questions don't matter because her opinion and thoughts are not really important.

This, as it's implied that not only do her opinion and thoughts don't matter, she's also incapable of working outside the home or paying bills because of having a vagina.

[bananacat]

Aside from the myth that PMS is universal (most women don't experience and those that do aren't just silly emotional basket-cases; it's a little more complex than that), these are all questions that a serious girlfriend should ask of her boyfriend, when the relationship starts to get serious and there's a potential for marriage or some other form of commitment. It's not something a FIL should ask, and certainly not before a first date. If this man were progressive and had any value in his daughter, this is the thing he might teach her to ask of a potential spouse.

[curlytoes79]

17. What will you do if you are struggling in your marriage and an old girlfriend tries to make contact with you on the Internet?

"Definitely call her up and **** her so deep, so deep put her ass to sleep! OH yeah, Ice Cube's a pimp, baby!"

C'mon. How do you expect a guy to answer this question? If dear old dad is trying to ferret out any adulterous tendencies in his prospective son-in-law, he's going to have to be more subtle.

[Claddagh]

Am I the only one imagining potential suitors being taken to a dungeon in the basement and put on the rack while the father asks questions?

[lilith]

Periods, pussy and sex....is that all these people think about? with the occasional is your mind right with Jesus, and if your old girlfriend came back would you let her give you a BJ and money.

6. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage? What role do you expect my daughter to play in the marriage? If he thinks he can come home from work, put his feet up, and have my daughter serve him hand and foot, I just might have to put my foot down on him.

Ask JB & Josh

.

Didn't Josh have a rumoured failed courtship with a Holt girl? Maybe he answered this question wrong (and by wrong I mean truthfully).

[Peppercorn]

Also am I the only one who really hates the assumption women can only be "cranky"in response to hormones?

Yes, and the assumption that all women are cranky during "that time of the month". Ugh. As a previous poster wrote, it's all just an excuse to dismiss a woman's emotions.

Unfortunately, I see too many women using that excuse too.

[dramallama]

Off topic and just my .02 cents, but the only thing that should be "required" for marriage is 2 consenting adults. Marriage counseling can be a wonderful thing, but no one should be required to avail themselves to it.

Yup. My husband and I had known each other for 4 years and lived together for a year before getting married, but we had to get married in a big hurry due to impending brain surgery and fear of related job loss for him, so that he could have access to my health insurance, just in case. If we'd had to wait weeks or months for counseling that would not have worked out and he could have been stuck with a $300,000 bill for neurosurgery and a week-long SICU hospital stay. Obviously in an ideal world that wouldn't happen, but we're dealing with the real world, not the ideal version. Also we're atheists so it's not like we can get free church counseling, nor could we have afforded a secular counselor at the time, even in the absence of the rush. Anyway, tl;dr: Uh, no.

[KitCatCadillac]

Yes, and the assumption that all women are cranky during "that time of the month". Ugh. As a previous poster wrote, it's all just an excuse to dismiss a woman's emotions.

Unfortunately, I see too many women using that excuse too.

Duh - a woman's emotions don't come from her brain, they come from her uterus. So they couldn't possibly have anything to do with what's going on in her life. Just, like, her ovaries, and estrogen... So the man has to tell her what to feel, because his testicles are smarter, and they know that his brain is in charge. Except if they see boobs. Or something.

[RachelB]

Yes, and the assumption that all women are cranky during "that time of the month". Ugh. As a previous poster wrote, it's all just an excuse to dismiss a woman's emotions.

Unfortunately, I see too many women using that excuse too.

It's not that I'm unflappably calm the rest of the month, though in the four or so days prior to my period, I am a little less conflict-averse and a little more apt to call out bullshit that I would normally just let slide. However, even then, I still have more patience than any of the men in my family. Does anyone remark on my dad's pissiness, or my uncle's? Nope! Because they're standard and expected.

Ugh, indeed.

[Papagena]

I am mildly more emotional in the couple of days before I start but nothing that would make anyone run screaming for the hills. However, if my father asked my now husband that question I would be seriously weirded out. Yes, we're all adults and we all know I get a period but there is NO reason my dad needs to be discussing it. EVER.

[nokidsmom]

I've already told my dad that he and my future fiance are not to have a "pre-proposal ask" when the time comes, as it puts me in the position of being property handed over. Cannot imagine having my daddy hold my husband's hand throughout this ridiculous process. If you're getting married, you SHOULD be a grown-ass person who can handle this shit on your own. Parents should not come into it unless the couple ask.

This. When I got married, I flat out refused to have Mr. Nokidsmom ask my father for my hand. My mother told me it would be "nice if XXX would ask your father for your hand" and my answer was "my hand is my own to give". Full stop.

Frankly, I was offended at the idea. I get that for some folks, it's traditional and romantic, and if the couple wants to do this, that's fine. But to me I felt like I was property being asked for and handed over. Plus we were adults and long past needing parental permission for anything.

However, they did manage to get both my sisters to their future husbands to do it and while neither of my BILs were happy about it, they complied. One BIL described it as getting a bill of sale saying "received: one daughter" he was so pissed off about it. Mr. Nokidsmom himself was relieved about my refusal. He said he would have been totally uncomfortable about it, plus knowing my father, he would have grilled the hell out of him.

[ladyamylynn]

Yup. My husband and I had known each other for 4 years and lived together for a year before getting married, but we had to get married in a big hurry due to impending brain surgery and fear of related job loss for him, so that he could have access to my health insurance, just in case. If we'd had to wait weeks or months for counseling that would not have worked out and he could have been stuck with a $300,000 bill for neurosurgery and a week-long SICU hospital stay. Obviously in an ideal world that wouldn't happen, but we're dealing with the real world, not the ideal version. Also we're atheists so it's not like we can get free church counseling, nor could we have afforded a secular counselor at the time, even in the absence of the rush. Anyway, tl;dr: Uh, no.

Yeah, going to have to disagree with mandatory counselling. My husband and I had known each other for years and already lived together and shared finances prior to marriage. I'm not sure what being forced to see a counselor would have done for us.