Intrusive Questions For Future Son in Law

[debrand]

pastordavidholt.blogspot.com/2011/08/questions-father-should-ask-someone.html

I'm not listing all the questions but some of these seem personal. Do fundie fathers not have boundaries? Do they see they see nothing about their children and their potential spouse's relationship as off limits to them?

I especially like the question about how the young man would handle his wife's time of the month

3. Are you in an accountability relationship with another man (or men’s group)? Howard Hendricks says a man who doesn’t have this in his life …. is an accident waiting to happen.

5. What do you enjoy doing in your free time and whom do you do it with? How a man spends his time and whom he spends it with tells me a lot about him.

7. What attracts you to my daughter? Certainly the physical will be part of it (or should be), but it better not be all there is. The more character qualities he mentions, the more points he gains with me.

8. What needs do you have in your life in which my daughter will need to be sensitive to in order for this marriage to work well? Hey, knowing this can help me to help him should my daughter ever come to me with frustrations. We men need to look after one another.

17. What will you do if you are struggling in your marriage and an old girlfriend tries to make contact with you on the Internet? Marriage counselors tell us that the Internet is in some way a major force in 70% of all divorces.

18. What will you do when your wife’s sex drive decreases but yours stays the same or increases? What will you do to avoid sexual immorality?

20. When my daughter/your wife is at that “time of the month†and becomes quite irritable, how are you going to handle it? What will you do if she is driving you crazy and you are about to loose your temper? He probably won’t know how to answer this, but at least it gets him thinking.

21. Are you physically healthy? Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs? When I got married we had to do this. Can’t believe this isn’t required today.

[ceg045]

Clearly, "male accountability partner" means something different to me than it does to him.

Also, this?

When my daughter/your wife is at that “time of the month†and becomes quite irritable, how are you going to handle it? What will you do if she is driving you crazy and you are about to loose your temper? He probably won’t know how to answer this, but at least it gets him thinking.

Pisses me right off. And no, it's not "that time of the month," fuckwit.

[GiGi_41]

Shouldn't this man for his daughter be sexually pure? Why would you be worried about STD's?

[desertvixen]

What will you do when your wife’s sex drive decreases but yours stays the same or increases?

What about IF her sex drive increases? And damn, I do not want my father worrying about my sex drive.

21. Are you physically healthy? Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs? When I got married we had to do this. Can’t believe this isn’t required today.

I like this one actually - intrusive and sexual double-standardish, but at least concerned with his daughter's physical health. STDs suck, especially if you get one of the "gift that keeps giving" varieties...

[shedemei]

They're intrusive, but that actually is valuable information to have to evaluate if you're going to be able to get along with someone for the rest of your life. Fundies aren't allowed to date and get to know each other, so the woman's father asking outright is the only way to get it.

#20 makes me irritated, though, for the same reasons as everyone else. "How would you deal with your spouse when they're cranky" is a good question. Why couldn't they have just gone with that.

[Arete]

What needs do you have in your life in which my daughter will need to be sensitive to in order for this marriage to work well? Hey, knowing this can help me to help him should my daughter ever come to me with frustrations. We men need to look after one another.

I have no words left..............

[ari_belle]

His daughter must have no issues of their own except her period. And THAT, a-hole, is not a problem.

[VaSportsMom]

I don't know what is worse - that any man thinks he has the right to ask these questions or that anyone in their right mind would put themselves in a position where they are expected to answer them. How about letting your daughter get to know the man well enough that she doesn't need you to play creepy 20 questions on her behalf?

[VaSportsMom]

His daughter must have no issues of their own except her period. And THAT, a-hole, is not a problem.

Wonder how well it would go over if the prospective match turned it around and demanded that the woman answer such personal questions and take the same STD test...

[ari_belle]

Wonder how well it would go over if the prospective match turned it around and demanded that the woman answer such personal questions and take the same STD test...

Someone with an opinion like that definitely wouldn't be seeking out a creepy fundie dad to answer such creepy questions! And someone who would is a creepy fundie dad in the making :(

EDT 'cause I can't type.

[Tom Slick]

Periods, pussy and sex....is that all these people think about? with the occasional is your mind right with Jesus, and if your old girlfriend came back would you let her give you a BJ and money.

6. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage? What role do you expect my daughter to play in the marriage? If he thinks he can come home from work, put his feet up, and have my daughter serve him hand and foot, I just might have to put my foot down on him.

Ask JB & Josh

7. What attracts you to my daughter? Certainly the physical will be part of it (or should be), but it better not be all there is. The more character qualities he mentions, the more points he gains with me.

Ask JB & the other fundie Gothard dads.......virginity is all they think about (Their sexuallity/purity is the ONLY character they want)

9. What is your fatal flaw (i.e. besetting sin or area of greatest vulnerability) and what are you doing to make sure it doesn’t flare up and burn your house down? I am assuming here that I have a close enough relationship with him to ask such a personal question.

10. How are you going to be the financial provider? He better pass this question or else he doesn’t have a chance, because I am not going to pay the bills forever, and he better be able to or else I am not giving my daughter to this guy.

11. How much debt do you have? Do you have a plan to pay it off? How a man manages his money says a lot about him.

12. How are you going to provide spiritual leadership in the marriage and family (when kids come)? I will give extra grace here because I realize we all have a ways to go here, but he at least he better have some thoughts on this one.

By reading the bible and taking leadership and wisdom from Jesus (Not some cult leader and his fucked up 46 points of horseshit)

13. When my daughter gives birth to your children, what are your expectations of her in the marriage now (i.e. stay home, work outside the home, etc.)? It is never too early to think about these kinds of things. At least it gets them as a couple talking this, if they haven’t already.

Yeah right, wrong men, worldly ideas.

maybe i should come up with my own list of questions i should ask you before i get involved in your effed up cult i mean date courtship with a purpose your daughter (you know what i mean)

Good gravy....some people.

[mlady]

Fascinating isn't it? Some questions like this may be good if young teenagers want to run off and get married. But if you are over 25 and still need daddy to ask these questions of the future husband I'd wonder where the girls brain was and how well she actually knew the guy in question. The fact that dad NEEDS to ask questions like this should indicate to everyone how ill conceived the whole idea is in the first place.

Some men do love their power trips though.

[idonthaveajname]

Huh. I wouldn't want to marry a man who would sit there and take this horseshit from anyone.

Thankfully for me, neither my father nor my husband are insane.

[Koala]

I don't know what is worse - that any man thinks he has the right to ask these questions or that anyone in their right mind would put themselves in a position where they are expected to answer them. How about letting your daughter get to know the man well enough that she doesn't need you to play creepy 20 questions on her behalf?

Exactly. If she isn't old enough to figure this out herself, then she doesn't need to be getting married.

These questions are creepy and cross so many boundaries it's not even funny.

[snuggles911]

Holy smokes. If my father had asked my husband these questions he would have run for the hills. It would be interesting to videotape one of these interrogation sessions and post it on You-Tube.

[hollyandivy]

The question about PMS is redundant at best - she is going to be pregnant 99% of her fertile years anyway........

[docmom]

While it was important for me to know the answers to many of these questions before I got married, it was not important that my father know them. There really are only two questions any parent would want to ask before any of their children got married- do you love my child? will you be good to them?

[snarkykitty]

These questions are great. That is, for the couple to talk to each other about.

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through Pre-Cana counseling (I'm Catholic, he's Protestant). We spent six weeks meeting with our priest - who was more of a guide than anything, and then a full-day session with other couples, and we covered all of these issues. It's required to marry in the Catholic church, and I think this sort of thing should be required before any marriage (not necessarily all about religion, though).

Something I liked about our day-long session was great. The leader asked questions and the spouses-to-be would raise their hands based on what they believed the answer to be. For example, "After we are married, we will have a joint bank account". It was interesting when one half of the couple agreed with the statement and the other didn't. (The money questions caused a lot of conflict.)

I think that a lot of marriages fail because the couple never looked ahead and talked about the "what ifs" and discuss ahead of time what course of action they might take. What will we do if one of us gets really sick? What if the person earning more money loses their job? How many kids (if any) do we want? Will we merge bank accounts or have separate ones?

But for the father to ask? None of his business unless the couple wants it to be.

[lizziesmom]

Where did these questions come from? Is this a Gothard thing?

[debrand]

These questions are great. That is, for the couple to talk to each other about.

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through Pre-Cana counseling (I'm Catholic, he's Protestant). We spent six weeks meeting with our priest - who was more of a guide than anything, and then a full-day session with other couples, and we covered all of these issues. It's required to marry in the Catholic church, and I think this sort of thing should be required before any marriage (not necessarily all about religion, though).

Something I liked about our day-long session was great. The leader asked questions and the spouses-to-be would raise their hands based on what they believed the answer to be. For example, "After we are married, we will have a joint bank account". It was interesting when one half of the couple agreed with the statement and the other didn't. (The money questions caused a lot of conflict.)

I think that a lot of marriages fail because the couple never looked ahead and talked about the "what ifs" and discuss ahead of time what course of action they might take. What will we do if one of us gets really sick? What if the person earning more money loses their job? How many kids (if any) do we want? Will we merge bank accounts or have separate ones?

But for the father to ask? None of his business unless the couple wants it to be.

In your premarriage session, you and your future spouse attended together and came up with the solution as a couple. You were both expected to be mature enough to answer these questions as adults who will work together.

The daughter isn't an adult if her dad ask the questions for her. Her father has all the power to turn down the potential spouse. The daughter is almost a nonentity in the decision. Her thoughts and feelings don't matter.

[debrand]

Where did these questions come from? Is this a Gothard thing?

I got them from this blog.

pastordavidholt.blogspot.com/2011/08/questions-father-should-ask-someone.html

[infooverload]

This list just seems so as others have said intrusive. Also am I the only one who really hates the assumption women can only be "cranky"in response to hormones? The questions about sex drive seem to be totally inappropriate. What I think would be a funny tit for tat response from a guy would be "here's how I think I would handle it, but how did you handle it sir in your marriage since you have so much more wisdon." My dad so would not have done this crap. His famous line to my mother and attitude to life was "you're going to do what you're going to do, just let me know how it turns out."

[salex]

They're intrusive, but that actually is valuable information to have to evaluate if you're going to be able to get along with someone for the rest of your life. Fundies aren't allowed to date and get to know each other, so the woman's father asking outright is the only way to get it.

#20 makes me irritated, though, for the same reasons as everyone else. "How would you deal with your spouse when they're cranky" is a good question. Why couldn't they have just gone with that.

In olden days (1979) when I got married, we had premarital counseling at my Methodist church. It had a boatload of questions about expectations, history, relationships, etc. We each answered the questions separately then the minister looked the answers over and talked with us about any glaring potential problems. However, this was a wise, educated and (in our case) confidential minister, not my dad. Said minister did tell my mother that he had never seen anyone as compatible as we appeared to be, which seemed to make her feel better since we had barely met when we decided to get married.

So, it is legitimate to have conversation starters, but I'm certain it should be between the woman and the man, not the man and herowner father.

[Jinger Jar]

If an adult child is so weak-minded, sheltered, and/or naive that they cannot discern marriage for themselves, mom and dad have failed in their parenting duties.

[debrand]

If an adult child is so weak-minded, sheltered, and/or naive that they cannot discern marriage for themselves, mom and dad have failed in their parenting duties.

Yep.

If the couple can't ask these kinds of questions together, neither one is ready for marriage.