Intrusive Questions For Future Son in Law

[debrand]

This. When I got married, I flat out refused to have Mr. Nokidsmom ask my father for my hand. My mother told me it would be "nice if XXX would ask your father for your hand" and my answer was "my hand is my own to give". Full stop.

Frankly, I was offended at the idea. I get that for some folks, it's traditional and romantic, and if the couple wants to do this, that's fine. But to me I felt like I was property being asked for and handed over. Plus we were adults and long past needing parental permission for anything.

However, they did manage to get both my sisters to their future husbands to do it and while neither of my BILs were happy about it, they complied. One BIL described it as getting a bill of sale saying "received: one daughter" he was so pissed off about it. Mr. Nokidsmom himself was relieved about my refusal. He said he would have been totally uncomfortable about it, plus knowing my father, he would have grilled the hell out of him.

I feel the same way. In fact, I told my husband if he ever dared ask my mom (no dad) for my hand, the marriage would be off. I don't get how the tradition is respectful to the family. If the family has done its job well, the woman should be able to pick her own husband. And if the father doesn't have the power to say no to his daughter's future spouse what is the point of the tradition? Wouldn't it be more respectful to sit down as a couple with the parents and tell them that you are going to get married? Or if the daughter is that close to her parents to share her feelings about the other person as they evolve?

[infooverload]

To weigh in on the forced pre-marital counseling thing I can tell you the one session I had with my husband was absolutely crappy. A little background I was pregnant and he at the time wanted us to see a couple at his church who had been married for over 20 years who started the marriage in the same situation. I did not know this couple and I have to say they immediately rubbed me the wrong way. They were that fake nice while judging you. We explained where we were at and heard some of their history and meanwhile the wife had this attitude and vibe like I had corrupted my husband, and I was less than because we had sex. Now mind you I was in my late twenties and my husband was in his middle thirties. The whole thing was just off putting as far as wanting to have anything to do with his church or people in the church. Another thing that put me off was his churches clergy's unwillingness to marry us because "we weren't equally yoked." Then there was the push of you have to introduce your son to religion right away. Not when he is old enough and not going through stages of development where he hasn't yet developed a realization between reality and parable.

After we got married I told my husband I will try to give your church more chances, but each time it got worse. I think the final straw for us both was when we signed up for this crappy series called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage." He left the classes and was like the guy is insulting and doesn't respect his wife and meanwhile all these people are lapping this crap up, what the hell. I think that was a turning point for him to look at the church with a little more critical eye. He still misses the religious community feeling and some friendships, but I think that is passing in time.

[JaChelle Sugar]

I am mildly more emotional in the couple of days before I start but nothing that would make anyone run screaming for the hills. However, if my father asked my now husband that question I would be seriously weirded out. Yes, we're all adults and we all know I get a period but there is NO reason my dad needs to be discussing it. EVER.

Lately I've noted that I'm both extra out-of-sorts and extra interested in men's bodies a couple days before I start--but sometimes I just plain have a bad day, no hormones to blame! And what about a woman who has mood instability due to a chronic chemical imbalance? Sometimes good ol' pharmaceuiticles can't make those go away completely. Stupid controlling intrusive fundy fathers.