Fundie-lite parents humiliate child as "punishment"

[Childless]

Humiliating a grief stricken child. Yeah, these guys are parents of the year. :roll:

[debrand]

when my daughter was disrespectful, I just made her repeat the same phrase until she could say it nicely with no attitude. I didn't care about arguing as long as it was not rude.

[AddieBelle]

A 13 yr old girl loses a close family member,and then "shut's down",so she earns poor grades.Her parents then publicly humiliate a child who may be in the accute phase of PTSD,hence the "shutting down."They are choosing to re-traumatize her,possibly compounding the problem.(people who are traumatized often have a feeling of "knowing whats coming")-because they cant come up with a punishment equal to confiscating electronics?We didnt have cell phones,i pads, and personal computers when I was a kid, and my parents never ran out of ideas.(or xtra chores).For that matter there was a time my 15 yr old girl had already lost her computer,TV,phone,and bedroom door.Shes still doing chores to earn the door.

You took her door off?

[Peas n carrots]

So what would the parents have done if daughter just said "fuck it, no, I'm not doing that"? Called them on their bluff?

Either way, do parents pulling these schemes not realize that likely as not their kid is saying inside "okay, fine then, that's how it is, I have XXX days until I turn 18 and then I'm outa here, have a nice life"?

If I'm there by the highway with Dad and that sign, I don't know what I'd do. Be serious is definitely not among the options, though. Possibly mug it up and point to his head when a car passes, maybe. What's he gonna do, out there in public? Yeah later is a problem but again, if I just refused to go to the highway, what would he have done anyway? Take my phone? Whatever. I'll live without it and never let you know it upset me. Kid learns "don't depend on your parents for anything. Learn to live on the minimum and not need luxuries. There's internet at the library."

I dunno. This kind of story enrages me in a not-healthy way and surely its baggage from various punishments I remember but again yeah, so that's why I ask, how can they not see that odds are their kid is just gonna say "eff this, whatever, I play the game until I'm free and then see ya"?

Setting up a battle of wills is just not a good idea.

This enrages me too. I never got the public humiliation treatment but I had some very deep wounds from my father abandoning me as a child that my mother refused to address and pretended it never happened. It's not like someone dying but I had a lot of issues stemming from the abandonment. I basically learned from very early age that I could not trust my mother to be there for my emotional needs, and I literally counted down the days until I could get out.

I have now moved several states away and see her maybe once a year. We talk on the phone occasionally and our relationship has improved but I mourn that we were never able to bond, and I cant feel like I can talk to my mom about my life openly to this day. I am sad that if I have kids I really don't want her to be around them. My mother has begun to realize in the past few years what was missed, and I've forgiven her for being very young and struggling with her own demons....but you just can't get that time back, and you can't develop the same thing as an adult.

I wish I could tell the Nickells that they are likely setting themselves up to have a child that does not want them involved with her adult life. Do they imagine their daughter is one day going to say "remember that time you public ally humiliated me as a teenage girl struggling with depression? Thanks for that!". Do you think she is ever going to give them a genuine response ever again? Are they ok with having a superficial relationship for the next 5 years?

I'm sorry if I'm rambling here. I see so much of myself in is girl...but to then have your parents knock you down and hold your head down in the mud? The way she feels has to be unimaginable. And what angers me more is there is a good deal of support for these sadistic fucks of parents.

[nokidsmom]

First off, I am sorry that some of the posters on this thread had to endure this kind of "discipline".

That poor kid. I baffle over how parents honestly think this sort of thing works and really, how in hell can truly loving parents do this? Even on advice from a so-called "Christian" counselor? It shouldn't be too hard to figure between simply being a teenager and the death of her uncle that this is her acting it all out.

[Hane]

Ah. The religious parenting standby. Parenting by humiliation. My folks were big into that, though they didn't do this sign thing. Between this, the verbal abuse and the physical abuse, if I was for some reason forced to live that all over again, I'd take the beatings day in and day out, over the rest of it. Bruises and broken bones heal. The rest is a lot harder to get beyond.

My mother was big into crap like this, but around the house, not outside where she could be called on it. I'm fucking 60 years old and she's been dead for 15 years, but it still feels like a knife to the heart. All her rage and depression have virtually erased our memories of the good times and nice things she did. (I mean, I can remember them "intellectually," but they don't carry the gut impact of the horrible times.) It's so incredibly sad not to be able to say out loud, "No, I don't miss my mother. At all."

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

This enrages me too. I never got the public humiliation treatment but I had some very deep wounds from my father abandoning me as a child that my mother refused to address and pretended it never happened. It's not like someone dying but I had a lot of issues stemming from the abandonment. I basically learned from very early age that I could not trust my mother to be there for my emotional needs, and I literally counted down the days until I could get out.

I have now moved several states away and see her maybe once a year. We talk on the phone occasionally and our relationship has improved but I mourn that we were never able to bond, and I cant feel like I can talk to my mom about my life openly to this day. I am sad that if I have kids I really don't want her to be around them. My mother has begun to realize in the past few years what was missed, and I've forgiven her for being very young and struggling with her own demons....but you just can't get that time back, and you can't develop the same thing as an adult.

I wish I could tell the Nickells that they are likely setting themselves up to have a child that does not want them involved with her adult life. Do they imagine their daughter is one day going to say "remember that time you public ally humiliated me as a teenage girl struggling with depression? Thanks for that!". Do you think she is ever going to give them a genuine response ever again? Are they ok with having a superficial relationship for the next 5 years?

I'm sorry if I'm rambling here. I see so much of myself in is girl...but to then have your parents knock you down and hold your head down in the mud? The way she feels has to be unimaginable. And what angers me more is there is a good deal of support for these sadistic fucks of parents.

I don't want to threadjack, but your story reminds me of this awful movie I saw probably eight years ago called "Spanglish", has anyone seen it? At the beginning, a mother and her young (maybe 5 or 6 years old?) daughter are in Mexico and the husband/dad leaves them. The mother tells her daughter that she "only gets one tear", and then she can never talk or think about her dad again, and then they move to the States and leave their whole previous life behind. Throughout the movie, she does a lot of similar shit that I think is super-selfish - like pulling her kid out of a great private school because she (mom) chooses to have an affair with her boss - but the kicker is that the narrative of the movie is an essay that the daughter writes for her college admission app about what a great mother she has. :think:

[FakePigtails]

I don't want to threadjack, but your story reminds me of this awful movie I saw probably eight years ago called "Spanglish", has anyone seen it? At the beginning, a mother and her young (maybe 5 or 6 years old?) daughter are in Mexico and the husband/dad leaves them. The mother tells her daughter that she "only gets one tear", and then she can never talk or think about her dad again, and then they move to the States and leave their whole previous life behind. Throughout the movie, she does a lot of similar shit that I think is super-selfish - like pulling her kid out of a great private school because she (mom) chooses to have an affair with her boss - but the kicker is that the narrative of the movie is an essay that the daughter writes for her college admission app about what a great mother she has. :think:

I've also seen it and thought the exact same as you.

[GodsKnickers]

My mother was big into crap like this, but around the house, not outside where she could be called on it. I'm fucking 60 years old and she's been dead for 15 years, but it still feels like a knife to the heart. All her rage and depression have virtually erased our memories of the good times and nice things she did. (I mean, I can remember them "intellectually," but they don't carry the gut impact of the horrible times.) It's so incredibly sad not to be able to say out loud, "No, I don't miss my mother. At all."

Yep, my parents did it in the house only as well, unless they were certain they could't be seen or heard. Pastors have this image to uphold, you know. :roll: They were good at placing the bruises in places that were covered up or could be covered up. Dad was particularly fond of stomping me in the back. Maybe that's why I have back issues. Oddly enough, I've never put that together until just now - amazing what one can just forget or stop acknowledging and then have it come together years later. Cripes. Suddenly I have that gut punch feeling again. Damn it.

I don't speak to my mother anymore. She can't figure out why which is very telling to me. She tries every so often, to contact us, but we just ignore. My favorite was a letter about how she just wanted to bless me now. Oh fack right off, you dementor.

[thoughtful]

I shouldn't have even glanced at the comments under that article. :( :x

I wish I could tell the Nickells that they are likely setting themselves up to have a child that does not want them involved with her adult life. Do they imagine their daughter is one day going to say "remember that time you public ally humiliated me as a teenage girl struggling with depression? Thanks for that!". Do you think she is ever going to give them a genuine response ever again? Are they ok with having a superficial relationship for the next 5 years?

My heart goes out to you and everyone else on this thread who has been through something similar.

The "this is not what good parents do, and you are out of my life" reaction seems normal and logical to me.

What never ceases to amaze me is that there are people who come away from this kind of shit thinking their parents did the right thing.

I know there are psychological reasons behind it, but it still blows me away. And it angers me, because they often pass the abuse on to yet another generation.

:(

[Syd+Marky]

You took her door off?

Yes,I took her door off.At that point in time she was going far beyond disrespect when she didn't like what I said or did,and after several of these confrontations where she found it justifiable to scream and yell and throw things around when she wasnt getting her way,I began confiscating her electronic/tech things one by one.After she had lost it all(with the option to earn them back one at a time,by 3days of watching her attitude,or choosing to do chores to get them back quicker),she decided to challenge me,like"what are you gonna do?You already took all my stuff."Since she was constantly slamming the bedroom door,and it was already broken because of that,I just took it off completely.I figured if she wanted to challenge me while continuing to be disrespectful and destroying property, then she doesn't need it at all,and if she wants a door she can pay off the one she broke.

In case anyone wonders,she does have a curtain across the doorway-I'm not attempting to discipline by denying her right to privacy.I'm trying to help her learn that it's not okay to destroy the things I work for because she's angry, and that there are real life consequences to her actions.In a couple of years she'll be off to college.If she acts out in this way when she's 18, and no longer lives under my rules,she will have much worse consequences-like the possibility of facing criminal charges.

The change in her behavior for the better lets me know that it wasn't a bad thing to do.She understands that I wont make empty threats, and that she can trust me to be consistant, and not to make empty promises either.

[holierthanyou]

Yes,I took her door off.At that point in time she was going far beyond disrespect when she didn't like what I said or did,and after several of these confrontations where she found it justifiable to scream and yell and throw things around when she wasnt getting her way,I began confiscating her electronic/tech things one by one.After she had lost it all(with the option to earn them back one at a time,by 3days of watching her attitude,or choosing to do chores to get them back quicker),she decided to challenge me,like"what are you gonna do?You already took all my stuff."Since she was constantly slamming the bedroom door,and it was already broken because of that,I just took it off completely.I figured if she wanted to challenge me while continuing to be disrespectful and destroying property, then she doesn't need it at all,and if she wants a door she can pay off the one she broke.

In case anyone wonders,she does have a curtain across the doorway-I'm not attempting to discipline by denying her right to privacy.I'm trying to help her learn that it's not okay to destroy the things I work for because she's angry, and that there are real life consequences to her actions.In a couple of years she'll be off to college.If she acts out in this way when she's 18, and no longer lives under my rules,she will have much worse consequences-like the possibility of facing criminal charges.

The change in her behavior for the better lets me know that it wasn't a bad thing to do.She understands that I wont make empty threats, and that she can trust me to be consistant, and not to make empty promises either.

You can write as many paragraphs as you want trying to justify why what you did was "good parenting", but the fact is that was just a shitty thing to do.

You don't manipulate or humiliate children into respecting you. All you've done is potentially buy her quiet compliance and imitating a respectful attitude towards you until she moves out. She's already counting the days.

Good luck trying to maintain a positive relationship with her as an adult- since you've abused your power, once she is an adult and realizes she doesn't need shit from you, that's about what you're going to get out of her.

[latraviata]

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/parents-force-girl-to-hold-sign-as-punishment-for-being-disrespectful--tough-love-or-too-much--184517447.html

The article doesn't specifically call these people out on being fundie-lite, but there are tell-tale signs sprinkled throughout the text:

Questionable command of English language

"wanted to instill Christian values"

Got the idea from a "Christian counselor"

Child broken at end of ordeal

Made a point of mentioning that the girl "has no electronics to confiscate"

And the worst part of all: the 13-year-old girl started acting out after a close family member died. But instead of seeking help from a (qualified, not "Christian") therapist, the parents decided to publicly humiliate her.

Edited because of HTML fail.

Humiliating children is a gross abuse of parental power, I think this method is most condemnable.

[mg78]

My mother was big into crap like this, but around the house, not outside where she could be called on it. I'm fucking 60 years old and she's been dead for 15 years, but it still feels like a knife to the heart. All her rage and depression have virtually erased our memories of the good times and nice things she did. (I mean, I can remember them "intellectually," but they don't carry the gut impact of the horrible times.) It's so incredibly sad not to be able to say out loud, "No, I don't miss my mother. At all."

Thank you for sharing your stories. Emotional abuse is abuse. It is time people start talking more about this. Shaming a child is abuse and it should not be allow.

[LostSamurai]

.........

Jesus.....the poor girl is obviously in emotional pain over the losses she experienced and needs a therapist and an outlet to get out her grief.

Not her parents beating her because she's not being a compliant snowflake.

This...*shakes head* This is not Christian. This is FARRRRRRRRRRRRRR from Christian. This is sick.

THIS IS NOT DISCIPLINING YOUR KIDS! Even a monkey can see that all you do when you beat your kids like this is to make shit worse.

[LostSamurai]

A 13 yr old girl loses a close family member,and then "shut's down",so she earns poor grades.Her parents then publicly humiliate a child who may be in the accute phase of PTSD,hence the "shutting down."They are choosing to re-traumatize her,possibly compounding the problem.(people who are traumatized often have a feeling of "knowing whats coming")-because they cant come up with a punishment equal to confiscating electronics?We didnt have cell phones,i pads, and personal computers when I was a kid, and my parents never ran out of ideas.(or xtra chores).For that matter there was a time my 15 yr old girl had already lost her computer,TV,phone,and bedroom door.Shes still doing chores to earn the door.

What she do for you to take the door off?

That's a little too extreme...no offense. Why wasn't taking her computers and stuff enough?

[Syd+Marky]

You can write as many paragraphs as you want trying to justify why what you did was "good parenting", but the fact is that was just a shitty thing to do.

You don't manipulate or humiliate children into respecting you. All you've done is potentially buy her quiet compliance and imitating a respectful attitude towards you until she moves out. She's already counting the days.

Good luck trying to maintain a positive relationship with her as an adult- since you've abused your power, once she is an adult and realizes she doesn't need shit from you, that's about what you're going to get out of her.

All you,or anyone knows about me,my daughter,or our relationship is from the bit I said about discipline.I have no reason to justify anything.I'm saying what I think.I disagree with the method of discipline the 13 yr olds parents used because it humiliated a child,and that child was having a hard time.They said one of the reasons they did it was because there were no electronics to take away-I said that's not really an excuse because there are other ways to discipline without taking electronics, wether the kid has them,or has already had them taken.I see nothing wrong with removing privileges.Electronics are a privilege,IMO,as are bedroom doors when they are not treated with respect,and are vandalized.I fail to see how taking a broken door off,until it's replaced by the child working off the cost,is either humiliating or manipulative.If its your opinion that its a shitty thing to do,fine.Its your opinion,and others may share it.

I know my daughter very well, and I'm not the least bit worried about her just quietly complying, or imitating respect.She very clearly lets me know about things she cant respect me for, and I take those things to heart.

I'm not sure if, or how I have abused my power,as opposed to asserting my authority,but Im definitely going to think it over.If I ever thought what I was doing was abusive I wouldn't have done it.

And just to be clear(even if it does add another paragraph),never once did I say that what I do is "good parenting".I did say that I didn't think it was bad,as in not abusive,humiliating or otherwise.

[justakawaiilurker85]

...I'm assuming she gets dressed in the bathroom?

[AnnieC 305]

.........

Jesus.....the poor girl is obviously in emotional pain over the losses she experienced and needs a therapist and an outlet to get out her grief.

Not her parents beating her because she's not being a compliant snowflake.

This...*shakes head* This is not Christian. This is FARRRRRRRRRRRRRR from Christian. This is sick.

THIS IS NOT DISCIPLINING YOUR KIDS! Even a monkey can see that all you do when you beat your kids like this is to make shit worse.

Oh, I need to say something about this. I need to say something strong and harsh and angry about this that will probably start an argument, but this thread is probably not the place for it. Anyone have any idea where I ought to say what I think needs to be said?

[halsmum]

There is a curtain in the entrance to the child/young ladies room, so why would she need to get dressed in the bathroom?

Questions for those who have issues re the absent door,

If the child cannot respect what is not hers [did she pay for the door that she damaged, No, so it is not hers] should she be able to have a new door?

If the door is damaged, why leave a damaged door there?

If the child had punched a hole in the wall, would you expect the child to pay to get the hole repaired, I am sure all of you who have issues with the removed door would expect the child to pay for the damaged wall.

[FreeJosie]

I hate this trend in publically humiliating kids for not behaving :( Its so dehumanizing and embarassing.

The poor kid's uncle died, so of course shes going to be acting out at home and not doing as well at school. That is totally normal, they should have thought of that and focussed on getting her to a therapist instead of humiliating her and making her problems worse.

I hate the trend as well. And of course you get a bunch of people in the comment section saying "WAY TO GO, PARENTS!" Ugh.

With stories like these, I always think that the parents are seeking the spotlight at the expense of the kids.

[OkToBeTakei]

There is a curtain in the entrance to the child/young ladies room, so why would she need to get dressed in the bathroom?

Questions for those who have issues re the absent door,

If the child cannot respect what is not hers [did she pay for the door that she damaged, No, so it is not hers] should she be able to have a new door?

If the door is damaged, why leave a damaged door there?

If the child had punched a hole in the wall, would you expect the child to pay to get the hole repaired, I am sure all of you who have issues with the removed door would expect the child to pay for the damaged wall.

Interesting retaliation about the door. My child is not at the teenage years yet. I suppose we all like to think that we will have a sit down and talk it all out in a loving 1-1 basis. I certainly do.

OH wait I was the teenager from hell :lol: I recall doing things just to get a rise out of my siblings and parents. I grew out of it. Not sure what I would do if my kid broke a door through slamming it so much. Privacy is maintained, child has the chance to regain the broken door. What's the big deal? Seems like kiddo has a choice to make. Not like you can put your teenager on the naughty step.

Behaviour consequences. Consequences behaviour. Tough one. So is life.

Syd+Marky..you are doing it all wrong. For fuck sake break out the plumbing line :P :lol:

[MarthaMarcyMayMarlen]

I hate this whole shaming as punishment trend. I am confused how anyone thinks this is a good idea. One of the worst ones is the poor toddler who pooped in the shower.

This makes me so sad.

[halsmum]

Retaliation? Sorry I am not understanding what you mean by retaliation OkToBeTakei.

I merely replied to the person who asked if the girl had to get dressed in the bathroom by saying that the girl had a curtain so why would she need to get dressed in the bathroom.

From the original person.

quote

"In case anyone wonders,she does have a curtain across the doorway-I'm not attempting to discipline by denying her right to privacy."

[Turtle]

...I'm assuming she gets dressed in the bathroom?

...reading comprehension?