The Peaceful Wife

[Soldier of the One]

Burris, nice to see you back here and I am sorry to hear about your husband's health problems. May he have a speedy recovery and may you both stay strong in this.

As to this Surrendered Wife business... oy vey. It's the fallacious 'logic' that makes my head hurt: a good marriage is only an unequal one. As if egalitarian marriages cannot have harmonious domesticity, mutual respect, etc. You don't need to be submissive to build up your husband's self-esteem (without breaking down your own), to support and encourage him, to not cut him down, to greet him at the door (if he finds that meaningful). It's called partnership. And he can do all those things for you.

I really resent it when anti-feminists pain this picture of us feminists as aggressive, self-serving and unloving. I am married to a kind, patient, respectful man who is confident and strong in his own identity and who wants to see me flourish and become the best version of myself. His ego isn't compromised if he does the dishes or if I take leadership in certain things (as he may do in others). I tried 'submitting' to him once as an experiment: I literally said, 'do what you think is best, it's your call' and he got really frustrated. He said, 'I'm asking for your opinion because I need your advice, not because I need you to agree with me!' And that was the end of that experiment :) I later explained what I had done and why I had done it. (I told him about 'Biblical Patriarchy' and all that jazz).

If these 'reformed feminist' women had troubled relationships before, it's not because of feminism but because of their own issues. Feminism doesn't stop me from telling my husband that I love him, that I am thankful that he's in my life, that he looks good and that I desire him. That's called love. It doesn't require an ideology, it doesn't require Scripture. And yes, these women are in many cases being quite manipulative by demanding a certain structure for their marriages. Thank God for low-maintenance feminists who can make their own decisions :)

[salsa]

I have been reading her blog for quite awhile, it's pretty nuts. She's got a whole ministry, you guys! She'll teach you everything you need to know about saying yes to your husband, never saying no to your husband, and shutting up!

How much is there to learn? My guess is that it goes so much against nature, you have to report for periodic scoldings on how you're a mere woman and only put on earth to serve others without any expectation of someone ever doing something nice for you (and if they do, it's because you've been a nagging shrew and not submissive enough, you terrible cunt). You have to get periodic brainwashings every time your gray matter starts to work and you start to think your own thoughts and if you do something independent, it's a full-out emergency!

and, Burris - I'm sorry about your husband's illness and I'm glad you've come to a point of, as you say, equilibrium.

[holierthanyou]

Anyone else thinks she could become good friends with Joanne (few be there that find it... that super obedient wife without a husband lady).

[Mice]

My own husband, who already has weaker lungs than average people, contracted both pneumonia and influenza at the same time last October. I had suggested a flu shot but we simply did not make it in time.

He has spent nearly five months in ICU recovering from complications related to the treatments he required to survive. (Trach tube and oxygen – and yes, I do have his permission to discuss the matter online.)

They tried sending him home about a month and a half ago. I ended up having to take some rather…er…extreme measures to preserve his life one night. The doctors and the paramedics agree that I saved him – an act that became, within a matter of minutes, one of the worst experiences of my life.

I have been adamant that they not return my husband until he has healed sufficiently to prevent another such occurrence. This last one took ten years off my life. He now requires a special bed, oxygen, night ventilation, suction, and other interventions – but he should be able to return to work in the summer. I will accompany him to the office three times a week, and a nurse will accompany him two times a week until everyone is satisfied he can hand the oxy tanks on his own.

As some of you already know, I read the Bible every day. When my husband and I wed, it was for life. Our vows were identical but for one point: that I promised to be his ‘suitable helper.’ A lot of people may not have agreed with what I did, but I don’t regret it.

Ultimately, however, in a situation such as the one my husband and I currently face, there is no room for dominance and submission. We’re partners, or we’re dead.

If my husband, whom I always met at the door after work, and who takes care of the bills, had not followed my instructions to the letter and trusted me that night over a month ago, I would be a widow now, and that is not exaggeration.

The best marriages I’ve seen involve a lot of communication and mutual respect, however the “headship dynamic†shakes out. These younger people, healthy and strong – they think they know so much about what it takes to make a marriage work.

As far as I’m concerned, however, until they’ve walked a mile in my husband’s shoes, they don’t know enough to school either of us on that topic. They can take their how-to books and shove ‘em up their asses.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles these past few months, and I send my best wishes for your husband's continued recovery (and I imagine you might need some recovery too after all that - so ). As much as this is a post about your recent troubles, it read to me like a much better love story than we ever see from fundies. " We’re partners, or we’re dead." - I might have had something in my eye when I read that.

[Closed Womb]

The Peacefulwife also began encouraging me daily, almost every few hours. I would get emails with long lists of things that she respected about me and how she approved of my leadership over our family. I would try to send some responses back, but this is an area I have failed in many times

It didn’t matter what my wife was doing when I came home, she would stop everything and come give me the biggest embracing hug and tell me how much she missed me. She would have dinner well under control and then she would give me a few minutes before supper was ready. She intentionally gave me a few minutes to make the conversion from work husband to home husband.

SHE BECAME HER AUTHENTIC SELF!

Mr. Womb's horrified look while I read this part to him could probably count as my valentine's day, birthday, and Christmas gifts all rolled into one.

[debrand]

I resurrected this thread because of a depressing article on The Peaceful Wife

Now that sometime has passed I wanted to share with you what happened a couple of days ago. My in laws came to visit before my dh deployed.

BACKGROUND: I’ve generally always had some conflict when his folks are around because hubby treats me poorly when his folks are around.

This time

I smiled alot

I cooked

most of all I was QUIET.

When hubby said something mean, I was quiet. When he made fun of me, I was quiet. When his mom made off handed remarks, I was quiet. Quiet,quiet,quiet! Now I did quietly stick up for myself but

my attitude was totally different.

His parents left early Tuesday I wished them a farewell, cleaned the house, and again not a word of complaint.

Then a miracle!

The next day hubby pulled me on his lap while I was cleaning (no fussing from me even though I hate when he does that). He gave me a kiss and told me he loved my spirit the past weekend and he likes me a lot (LOL). I kissed him back and then I was QUIET. He didn’t say anything else at first, but he released me to finish cleaning following me from room to room. I still said nothing when…

suddenly he grabbed my hand and apologized for being mean to me around his parents! Then he told me he wanted to quit smoking and dial back on drinking.

It was like getting three presents instead of one!

I am soooooo happy!!!!

peacefulwife.com/2013/09/11/portias-story-winning-him-over-without-a-word/

We've asked it before but why would any fundie woman ever want to be married? Of course, if the victim accepts their abuse and doesn't stand up for themselves, the abuser will be happy.

[tanksmom]

Ok, so my job is stressful & I drink too much and smoke. Hubby would like me to quit smoking (I'm working on it!) and drink less. But the thing is he talks to me as if I'm an adult. I know if he had his way the last time I lit up would be my last but he knows that's not realistic. He's happy to support me when I get crabby because I'm jonesing for a smoke and doesn't take it personally. I don't feel the need to post everything we do to show that I am somehow worthy. Do we have our problems? Of course. But we deal with them as two adults who love each other, not as a parent/child where one person is in control.

And for the record, a few years ago we did the whole submission thing. I became the most passive aggressive person I've ever met. One day he looked at me and said he wanted a person who had her own feelings and not a robot. Things got so much better after that & 15 yrs on I love my life and hubby. Take that peaceful wife!

[thoughtful]

I’ve generally always had some conflict when his folks are around because hubby treats me poorly when his folks are around. . .

When hubby said something mean, I was quiet. When he made fun of me, I was quiet. When his mom made off handed remarks, I was quiet. . .

The next day hubby pulled me on his lap while I was cleaning (no fussing from me even though I hate when he does that).

Man, that's miserable.

I can imagine letting poking remarks from a MIL go by, because I'm a big believer in ignoring it when people want to get a rise out of you.

But there's no excuse for the MIL or husband's behavior in the first place.

Oh, and this is the first time I've seen this thread, so I just read the story of your husband's illness, Burris -- don't think I'd gotten a chance to wish you both well before this.

I hope all is still on an even keel, and that he is still getting stronger every day!

[lawlifelgbt]

Submission just doesn't work. I'm not fundie and never have been, but I've tried submitting, and it didn't work.

Background: I'm gay. My fiancee recently left law school and moved in with me, but last summer, when she was deciding what to do (and keeping her possible decision entirely to herself because she thought I would leave), she was really depressed and stressed out. I stayed with her for a month after summer classes finished.

I did everything she wanted me to, no matter if I was in the middle of something, in a bad mood, or exhausted.

She got really snippy with me, often using an annoyed tone or even yelling and/or swearing. I did nothing about that.

Some days, I hardly talked, because I didn't want to set her off.

I didn't do anything to change her behavior.

When she refused to drive me to the gym, I would walk two miles each way rather than bug her about it. If I wanted something as simple as something from the store, I'd ask, once, if we could go, then drop the subject as soon as I met any resistance.

I bought her flowers and ice cream after we spent our anniversary fighting.

I let her ignore me in public because she was too afraid to be seen as "queer."

This all led to me becoming so frustrated that the night before I was supposed to leave, she screamed at me, and I finally snapped. I think I used every swear word I knew, and scared the dog! I said she was being a terrible fiancee and didn't respect me and I hated her and she was a complete a**hole. I resented what my choice to "submit" to keep from stressing her out did to me and our relationship.

We worked it out. The next morning, I missed my train. We sat in the empty parking lot, and she asked me not to leave while we were on such shaky ground. So I stayed four more days. I wrote down my concerns about our relationship, and we talked about them. She apologized to me.

Now, we moved in together, and our equal relationship is much better.

TL;DR I can't imagine how submissive fundie wives don't snap! I snapped after trying submission for only 3 1/2 weeks.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

I submitted for religious reasons for the last 6 months of my marriage, right after my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. Everyone told me to be that way, to show him how much I loved him. He was awful to me, incredibly mean. I never talked back or yelled or defended myself. For 6 months! Like the other poster some days I didn't even talk. I just cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids and didn't ask him for one thing. It was the worst time of my life and I cried constantly. My friend finally took my husband out and told him to make a decision on if he was leaving me or not because what he was doing to me was killing me. So he left and I was so damn relieved. So I guess my submission didn't work (obviously I should have started submitting years earlier....). It was miserable and I would never do anything like that again or put up with an asshole again!

[jingerdoe]

*shudder* There is so much of this that just reeks. It's a breeding ground for abuse, if it isn't abuse inanof itself.

[Magdelope]

lawlifelgbt that sounds almost like the situation me and my fiancée was in, almost exactly actually. Her depression has been over for over 6th months now... But it takes a long time to heal, for both of us. I need to learn that I can rely on her again and she needs to just get back into things.

I don't know why submissive wives would willingly live that way. You close up a part of yourself, keep your head down and just carry on. Clean the kitchen, do the laundry, cook, day in and day out and keep quiet. I think it would kill me. Add on top of that taking care of children? Maybe making you think that you're doing it for them... No wonder it is hard to leave.

But there is one thing that puzzles me, the greeting by the door part. Why are they making such a big deal out of it? I go and greet my fiancée by the door when she comes home. You know, because I missed her and I'm happy to see her. Why is that part of submission? Although, if I'm really, really, really busy, I don't know, maybe on th phone or in the middle of a thought, I'll just shout her a 'hello' and then come an say hi properly when I can. I thought that was normal. Why are they making such a big deal out of it?

[Hisey]

Have you seen the comments? There's a miserable woman with 8 kids, including two babies, who has a no-good, lazy, passive-aggressive, uncommunicative husband. She works AND homeschools, and seems like a very hardworking person. Her husband can't save money, overspends, can't plan, doesn't think about things. . . and she doesn't seem to (gasp!) really respect him.

The Respected Housewife lady gives her the usual crappy advice (Could he be trying to lead and you are not following?) to solve this really horrid, frustrating situation. I feel so bad for the commenter.

[technopaganus]

Generally when I read these fundie blogs, I feel a sense of sadness for what I perceive as a lack of freedom and personal fulfillment in this weird, patriarchal sphere. This one, however, evoked an entirely different reaction: rage.

Never has a couple seemed more in need of marriage counseling than these two. Admittedly, I'm new to watching the trainwreck of fundamentalism in general, so there's probably even more hate-reading out there to be found. I don't know if I could ever go back to "The Peaceful Wife" without punching my computer screen, though.

[lawlifelgbt]

lawlifelgbt that sounds almost like the situation me and my fiancée was in, almost exactly actually. Her depression has been over for over 6th months now... But it takes a long time to heal, for both of us. I need to learn that I can rely on her again and she needs to just get back into things.

Thanks for commiserating! It's hard to put things back together, even though things are better now. I haven't said that I still resent how she treated me then, or that it's not an excuse to not consider my needs and wants.

We're now planning on pushing our wedding up to April (so 5 1/2 months from now), but I don't want to do so until we get premartial counseling. Sadly, can't really afford it right now. I also don't know if my church, though progressive, would be willing to work with a same-sex couple. Also adjusting to living together; sometimes I just want SPACE! My 1 bd apt was just right for me, and it can feel a little tight with us both.

There's a lot of pressure, too, since my state just passed marriage equality this spring, to be all "sunshine and roses! We're always doing awesome! What problem? Look over there, a tiger!" because the couples who get married early on into the new law are kind of going to "model" what same-sex marriage is for the state and those around us. And the general argument that same-sex marriage is awesome, so allow it, could be hurt by admitting it's not sunshine all the time.

[LittleMy]

Gosh, it is very, very interesting for me to read you all discussing the peaceful wife blog. I started reading her a few months ago, mainly because my husband had been working ridiculously long hours for the last two months and it had led to a lot of conflict between us...I was feeling very low and at the end of my tether, and began to think that maybe things were so desperate because I was not approaching this in the way God would want me to.

Sooo when I found peaceful wife I wondered if submission would actually give us both peace in that it would make my husband's life less stressful and that I would at least feel I was doing the right thing.

But I am going to have to say that it doesn't work for either of us. My husband is a determined hyper focused person, he doesn't need to be pandered to, he actually needs someone to stand up to him and offer an opposing view. And I think and hope this is as Biblically valid as the way that peaceful wife suggests.

[Mama Mia]

I cannot believe I'm going to link this here.

However, I stand by every single word I wrote years ago. There are only two outcomes to submissive wives and Patriarchail husbands. Either there becomes an abuse and power control dynamic, OR you have a man who self destructs in their efforts to NOT become abusive. They don't all self-distruct in the same manner mine did, but they do self distruct trying to NOT fall into the easy trap of becoming abusive and controlling.

As much as everyone talks about how bad and dangerous Patriarchy is for women, the quiet counter side is that it is EQUALLY dangerous for me, perhaps moreso. I think if you cross a line into abusive it's nearly impossible to find that line and get back over it with all of your heart and soul.

http://womanreclaimed.blogspot.com/2010 ... wrong.html

You don't have to break the link, it's my blog. I can already see what traffic shows up from FJ and I'm going to flounce for it.

Thank you for sharing that. It's very impressive that the two of you were able to recognize this wasn't working for you and change it.

[duplessis3]

I think the way the Passive/Aggressive Wife manipulated her husband into apologizing for his behavior by not speaking to him...I don't get how not talking to someone is submissive. I think it is a really childish way to deal with hurt and anger. God, they both need to talk to some bd/sm people and get a freaking safe word. She's totally topping from the bottom. All her posts are "how I got my way" .