Ben and Katie Rye (TBI)

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

katieandbenupdates.blogspot.com/

Found this blog linked to Lyndsie's ages ago and well...

Ok this girl annoys me. Why? She treats her husband like a 5 year old

'cute sayings of Ben-'where she posts about things her husband (who has a TBI) says-umm he's an adult, not a kid!

Or this for example:

'We sang a few worship songs and then I started singing the chorus, Be Still and Know That I Am God...after we sang the lines a few times through I asked Ben what the line meant to him. He responded, "when we are still God will come to us!" How profound is that?!'

I know I should feel sorry for her, but seriously she does not need to stay married to a man who has a severe TBI-and its been over a year-most improvements happen in the first year with the brain!

She needs to leave him, find someone else who she can have that full and happy life-and the babies she so desperately wants.

[treemom]

I don't think anyone can say what someone NEEDS to do when it comes to things like this.

[darkplumaged]

I agree, treemom. First, if she doesn't want to leave him, why should she? Second, it's impossible to say with certainty what you'd do in a situation like this before it happens.

[NurseShannon]

I did read this the other day. I feel bad for them. I can't imagine marrying someone and then that bad of an accident happening and then your husband becoming someone else. I can't say what I would if I was her...I certainly can't fault her for staying with him, nor if she would divorce him either.

[kpmom]

I probably wouldn't choose to list the cute things he says either, but it's tough to snark here. Sounds like they've both been through a lot.

[bionicmlle]

I don't think anyone can say what someone NEEDS to do when it comes to things like this.

Word.

I find Katie's strength and dedication incredibly admirable and do not think they are snark-worthy. She has, many times, blogged about her struggle to be a wife and a caregiver at the same time - that duality ain't for the faint of heart. Much of the caregiving she has to do for him is cognitive rehabilitation (and he has made great strides in his recovery from his severe brain injury) including teaching him things/practicing things that we learn when we are very little children. I can see why there might be a parent-child dynamic in a case like this.

I don't get angry at too much but I'll put my dukes up for this one.

[treemom]

I also am hesitant to judge people who leave in those situations either.

I have been married for 14 years. I wouldn't leave after a TBI assuming it didn't bring about abuse to me or my child. But I have a 14 year history with my husband. There has been better, so it can be easier to whether the worse.

If you are a newlywed (and they were..she talks about how they hadn't even really used their wedding gifts!) I can understand it seeming insurmountable too.

[failsafe]

I know I should feel sorry for her, but seriously she does not need to stay married to a man who has a severe TBI-and its been over a year-most improvements happen in the first year with the brain!

My friend's dad had a severe TBI two years into her parents' marriage. He was, supposedly, never the same (and was certainly always a little "off" when I knew him). Her mom stayed, and they've crafted a happy and comfortable life together. To be totally honest, my first instinct would be to stay in that situation. Maybe things would change, I certainly wouldn't stay if it put me in physical danger, but for me, it would be a part of the whole "in sickness and in health thing."

[persuaded]

treemom wrote:

I don't think anyone can say what someone NEEDS to do when it comes to things like this.

bionicmlle wrote:

Word.

I find Katie's strength and dedication incredibly admirable and do not think they are snark-worthy. She has, many times, blogged about her struggle to be a wife and a caregiver at the same time - that duality ain't for the faint of heart. Much of the caregiving she has to do for him is cognitive rehabilitation (and he has made great strides in his recovery from his severe brain injury) including teaching him things/practicing things that we learn when we are very little children. I can see why there might be a parent-child dynamic in a case like this.

I don't get angry at too much but I'll put my dukes up for this one.

Amen sistah.

[oscar]

http://katieandbenupdatesDOTblogspot.com/

I know I should feel sorry for her, but seriously she does not need to stay married to a man who has a severe TBI-and its been over a year-most improvements happen in the first year with the brain!

She needs to leave him, find someone else who she can have that full and happy life-and the babies she so desperately wants.

I had a brain infection in my early 20s that changed me a great deal. My now-husband stayed with me, despite pressure to walk away by some of his relatives and close friends. I wouldn't have blamed him if he left me, because I loathed being the new me and would have left myself if it were possible.

When I've asked him why he stayed with me, he says, "Because you needed help," or, "The things I loved about you were all the same." I still don't really understand why.

[treemom]

I had a brain infection in my early 20s that changed me a great deal. My now-husband stayed with me, despite pressure to walk away by some of his relatives and close friends. I wouldn't have blamed him if he left me, because I loathed being the new me and would have left myself if it were possible.

When I've asked him why he stayed with me, he says, "Because you needed help," or, "The things I loved about you were all the same." I still don't really understand why.

I just want to say that choked me up a bit. Sometimes the things we love about people are hard to articulate. It is just something about them.

[Black Aliss]

My husband has early-onset dementia. On effect of his disease is that have not really had a marriage for about 10 years. Most days it's like being responsible for a very large, oppositional 6 year old. It has never occurred to me to leave him because our wedding vows to each other included "for better, for worse. . .in sickness and in health". I suspect Katie feels a similar commitment.

[Soldier of the One]

Gosh... I am so sorry to hear of all these stories of TBI and early onset dementia. Just wanted to extend a virtual hug to all of you. You are all incredibly strong and dedicated. Wow.

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

I guess I sounded a little harsh. Really perhaps I am frustrated that Katie is person is sacrificing her life for someone who will never be the full partner in marriage she deserves, nor a father to the children she so desperately wants.

I feel like telling her 'its ok to leave him! God would understand!'

I am not as good a person as she is as I would leave my husband if this happened.

[treemom]

I guess I sounded a little harsh. Really perhaps I am frustrated that Katie is person is sacrificing her life for someone who will never be the full partner in marriage she deserves, nor a father to the children she so desperately wants.

I feel like telling her 'its ok to leave him! God would understand!'

I am not as good a person as she is as I would leave my husband if this happened.

No one is saying you wouldn't be a good person. What we are saying is that you don't need to determine what is right for other people in this case. It isn't black and white and you don't know that he will never be a full partner in a marriage.

That means different things to different people.

[Grace]

Maybe it's because I'm a newlywed. I said my vows less than a month ago so they are still fresh on my mind. When I read her blog last week I just cried and cried. And then I got home and I hugged my husband so tight. If something terrible happened to Mr Grace and someone told me I needed to leave them my first inclination would be to slap them right across the face. I don't say that as an attack at you, elemenope, it's just the first thing I thought of when I thought about that happening to me. For me marriage is forever (barring abuse or infidelity). I worked at the Alzheimer's Association for a while and the love and devotion I saw in the husbands and wives of our clients is truly awe-inspiring at times. I would no more say Katie needs to divorce Ben than I would say a 75 year old man needs to leave his wife of 50 years just because she is sick and doesn't recognize him anymore. My few weeks as Mr Grace's wife mean no less to me than 50 years of marriage at this point. It's not the same, I know, but the level of commitment is still there.

And now I have to go send my husband a text message telling him I love him...

[nimerha]

It's hard to say what I would do in a situation like this. I want to think that I would stay just like she did. Her life was turned upside down and she's pulling through with as much grace and love as she can muster, remaining committed to the man she loved and working to find him again in the man she's married to now.

There is nothing to snark on here.

[loveandwar]

Word.

I find Katie's strength and dedication incredibly admirable and do not think they are snark-worthy. She has, many times, blogged about her struggle to be a wife and a caregiver at the same time - that duality ain't for the faint of heart. Much of the caregiving she has to do for him is cognitive rehabilitation (and he has made great strides in his recovery from his severe brain injury) including teaching him things/practicing things that we learn when we are very little children. I can see why there might be a parent-child dynamic in a case like this.

I don't get angry at too much but I'll put my dukes up for this one.

This!! I respect her SO much for sticking with her husband "for better and for worse".

[Letgo]

I have not seen this blog, but it does remind me of another I have read. This other couple dated about ten months or so before he suffered a catastrophic head injury (and other injuries) that the doctors expected to be fatal. He lived, but has ongoing health/physical/brain issues. This couple married about four years after his accident. He is very impaired-they had to have another couple come along on the honeymoon. They are Christians and she is honest about what a struggle this has been for her-and that she wishes it had never happened. She doesn't sugarcoat the situation, but still says she is glad she married him. I don't think he can walk unaided. His speech is limited, difficult to understand, and he is not generally able to initiate conversations. He cannot work, has memory problems, and, unless there is divine intervention, I don't see much improvement for him.

I really like this couple and I keep wondering why she did this. I get that she loves him, but it appears to me that she is more of a caretaker than a wife. Can they have children? Is he capable of any kind of purposeful intimacy that is not extremely limited and clumsy? She is going to have such a tough life now. The financial aspect of marriage to someone with a TBI must be overwhelming. I admire what she is doing, but don't think I would have done it. I would not leave my husband if he were injured, but we have been married for thirty-something years. This young woman made a conscious choice to marry a severly impaired man. I respect what she has done and continues to do; she really lives out her beliefs. Maybe God really will work out a miracle for this couple.

[nimerha]

I guess I sounded a little harsh. Really perhaps I am frustrated that Katie is person is sacrificing her life for someone who will never be the full partner in marriage she deserves, nor a father to the children she so desperately wants.

I feel like telling her 'its ok to leave him! God would understand!'

I am not as good a person as she is as I would leave my husband if this happened.

But it's her choice to do this. Don't tell her that it's invalid, or that she's not getting anything out of it, that she's completely sacrificing herself. I absolutely agree that she should have the option (and be aware of the option) to decide not to stay with her husband. I don't have the sense that she's staying against her will, though.

Choices. It's all about our ability to make our own. I understand where you're coming from, but you're not living her life. Let's let her be.

[lilwriter85]

I have read through some of the blog. Katie sort of annoys me with the " cute sayings thing" that the OP mentioned. But overall I think she is ok. I think in situations like this one, they are no real right answers or solutions of whether a wife or fiancee should stay with the man. My mom's cousin who I never really knew suffered a TBI in a car accident and she was left severly impaired. Her hubsand divorced her two years later, but did keep tabs on her and gave money to a special account for her. My second cousin died from cancer 7 years after she had become brain damaged and the ex did attend the funeral and the family was ok with it.

I agree with Letgo, Katie is more of a caretaker to Ben rather than his wife. My boyfriend has a paraplegic friend who is married. He became paralyzed after they married and for awhile some people told the wife to leave him because she would be a caretaker more than a wife. They have worked through things and are ok. But with this situation, the husband can do most of his care and his mental facilities are in tact and his wife only helps him with a few things.

I might keep tabs of Katie and Ben's blog. There is another blog I recently got into reading. The blogger is a Mormon woman who is paralyzed from the neck down and a few of her posts on religion are a bit wacky.

[Sola]

I admire her. It cannot have been easy for her. I honestly couldn't see me leaving my husband if that happened to us. But then I'm used to being in a 'caring' capacity with having a son on the autistic spectrum and a daughter who was a preemie and has CP. I could no more leave my husband than I could leave my kids.

I hope Ben and Katie find some happiness.

[Wolfie]

I think I'd actually judge somebody more who left the situation soon after something like this happened. As people have said, you don't know how much he will recover, and likely- they can still have kids. (I know two couples like this, who stayed happily married, even though the husbands had brain damage, they even had children after the fact.)

[Patsy]

I guess I sounded a little harsh. Really perhaps I am frustrated that Katie is person is sacrificing her life for someone who will never be the full partner in marriage she deserves, nor a father to the children she so desperately wants.

I feel like telling her 'its ok to leave him! God would understand!'

I am not as good a person as she is as I would leave my husband if this happened.

Just wanted to chime in and say that I get where you're coming from.

[Black Aliss]

I have read through some of the blog. Katie sort of annoys me with the " cute sayings thing" that the OP mentioned.

I guess I have a different take on this. As I understood it Ben is so cognitively impaired that she could well be cheering for anything he says that shows signs of his intellect returning. Being able to say what Memorial Day is about is probably something that was beyond his ability a year earlier.

And for the record I would never judge someone who did leave their spouse after something like this happened, provided of course that they made sure the injured person would be financially taken care of. Plenty of people over the years have counseled me to "get out", including my therapist. Certainly I'd be in far better shape financially, if I'd gotten out. ( :roll: Think about that 6-year-old with a stack of credit cards :roll: )