Lori Alexander on children coming home to empty homes

[Jezebel]

I started coming home to an empty house most days after my parents divorced when I was 13. My mom went back to school, as well as work, so she often didn't get home until around 7:00 (or she'd get home early, then have to leave for night classes).

My developmentally-disabled brother (like me, an introvert) would retreat to his room, shut the door, and disappear until dinner. My little sister had a friend across the street, and would go over to their house after school, so I had our house to myself for a couple of hours. And I loved it. I had to do dinner prep, some laundry, and maybe a couple of other chores, but at the same time it was the only time I got in the day where there wasn't somebody telling me what to do or telling me I was doing things wrong. I was free from scrutiny and could just relax, for once.

Before the divorce, my mom was a SAHM. And while she wasn't a "helicopter parent," having her around ALL THE TIME started to drive me nuts when I was about 7. I had a "hideout" behind the back fence, on a little ledge overlooking the canyon behind our house, and used to retreat there just to be alone and read or draw. I would have gone absolutely nuts living the kind of hyper-scheduled, relentlessly supervised life I see so many kids living these days.

And while I did end up smoking, drinking, and getting into trouble in my late teens, it was not because of the divorce, or that I was a latchkey kid. The divorce was actually a relief, as it got my malignant narcissist father out of the house--I would have been far more of a mess and got in far more trouble had my parents stayed together.

[lilwriter85]

I was thinking about some of the friends I had growing up and I remember there was one kid whose mom was SAHM for several years. She went back to work when my friend was 16 and his youngest sibling was in kindergarten at the time. In the years when she was a SAHM, she also used to do a lot of volunteer work and she also used to do part time coaching work for a dance studio. There were times, my friend used to go home to an empty home because his mom was either at the dance studio or somewhere volunteering. Sometimes just because someone is a SAHM doesn't mean they will always be there when their kids come home.

[Trynn]

My mom was a stay at home mom until about.... high school for me, but by then I was in boarding school. By then, my dad worked out of his basement for a company in California, so even if my mom was gone, there was always one parent I could go to in case of emergency. As a result, I get super nervous whenever I'm home alone for more than a few hours, because it's not something I'm used to, not because my parents hovered, but because I never had any time alone in the house.

So, I think that, for some kids, especially older kids, the time alone would be good for them.

[JenniferJuniper]

I was probably around 11-12. And I absolutely loved it. I was a really good kid and never got into any kind of trouble, but I loved the feeling of having the house all to myself. And it definitely wasn't a cold house.

When I was 15 my mom left her job and started working from home, I really didn't like it - I felt I lost the "me time".

My 13 year old has been coming to an "empty home" after school most days for the past 18 months. It's her favorite 90 minutes of the day. She likes being alone for a change and would never even be interested in having friends over during that time. I usually call her on the way home from work and I swear she sends me on "we're almost out of milk" errands just to keep me away longer.

I don't think small children should ever be left alone, but once a kid of 11 or even 10 can demonstrate a sufficient level of responsibility, I think being left alone for short periods of time during the day is a good way to foster their independence. And independence should be an ultimate goal of all parents.

[B5SnowDog]

I can't remember exactly but I do know I was about 12 when I started coming home alone. I would do homework, a few chores, and watch TV until my parents came home from work.

[Terrie]

I was allowed home after school at around 12. It would have been younger, but my brother was 1.5 years younger than me, and they started letting us stay home alone when they could trust him to be okay. We were so close in age that it didn't work for me to be allowed home alone and not him. Before that, I was allowed home alone for an hour or two when my mom ran errands and had my brother with her. But I wasn't allowed to be by myself overnight until I was 18, mainly because there was concern about my legal standing as a minor should an issue arise.

[browngrl]

I was pretty young - I can't remember exactly how young but it was definitely before 10. It was no big deal. My sisters and I all came through the experience with no problems and perhaps some advantages (pretty such it helped me to be more independent and resourceful). I think Lori is digging near the bottom of the barrel-o-hate to come up with this.

[Zoom]

I was 9. But our next door neighbour ran an in home daycare and my parents had a deal with her that I could pop over if I needed an adult. When I was a teenager (and we had moved) my siblings would sometimes come home with me instead of going to after school care. We would have a snack and watch tv even though we weren't allowed. My parents knew we watched tv (kids programs mostly) and they figured if that was the worst we did then no problems. My parents home is incredibly warm. We didn't often have friends over but that is because we lived in the back of beyond, we didn't go to friends on schooldays either, to much of a hassle. My parents became second parents to several of our friends, and to some degree still are today even though we are all grown up now.

[CanadianHippie]

Just curious...how old were ya'll when you started staying home alone after school?

I can't remember precisely, but i am certain i was staying home alone by 6th or 7th grade. (10 or 11-ish). I was a generally trustworthy kid...the most rebellious thing i did while home alone was watch MTV (which, while not precisely disallowed, was more than the 3-4 hours a week i was technically allowed during the school year).

Well, I was about 7 when my parents started letting my sister and I be home alone together (she's two years older), and 9 when I was allowed to be home alone. When we were 10 and 12, we were allowed to be alone during the summer too. Neither of us really suffered for it. We both mostly stayed out of trouble. We also both knew the key safety rules like if the phone rings never tell the person calling that you are alone, don't answer the door for anyone (except that one time my sister did prank 911 and the cop showed up at our house and freaked me out since I was the one who was up stairs), etc. I find it odd that now people are hiring a nanny for their 12, 13, 14 year olds so they aren't alone after school.

My friends liked coming over to my house, and not just because we got to be alone. They wanted to come over even when my parents were home. Mostly they liked the fact that my parents weren't forever being serious about everything and they let us have fun for the sake of having fun so long as we were about to break something valuable or get seriously hurt.

[mockingbird]

I think I started staying home at 9 or 10. I don't remember coming home to an empty house after school until high school when my mom started working again (part-time)... maybe a little in middle school but not for very long. But I would stay home alone or with my younger siblings at night or in the summer. If my parents had something planned they would have gotten a babysitter for if I wasn't there (such as a date, not just going to the grocery store or something like that) I got paid the babysitter rate if I actually entertained/babysat my siblings and didn't get paid if I wanted to do my own thing and just make sure they weren't setting the house on fire. My choice. I didn't stay alone overnight until the end of high school or start of college I think? My brother housesat for a night a few weeks ago when my parents came to visit me, he is almost 17 and it was probably less than 24 hours. I probably would have been allowed to stay home overnight at that age if the opportunity had come up though - my parents rarely leave overnight at the same time (relatives live far away, responsibilities at home - I still have a younger sister who isn't old enough to drive yet, never took a lot of vacations without the kids, etc). Anyway, even though I wasn't really a latchkey kid, like many of you I LOVED spending time home alone. I am an introvert and need time alone and it was heaven... I never did anything bad really, I just watched whatever *I* wanted to watch on TV or read a book enjoying the quiet/not having to talk to other people, etc.

ETA: I was allowed to have friends over a few years after I started staying home alone and it started out with friends I knew well. Honestly though I think a lot of that is my friends' parents wouldn't let their kids come over without an adult present. I wasn't allowed to do that either until I was a bit older unless my parents knew the parents well, haha :twisted: The exception was my brother's friends who lived on our street and were over our house all the time anyway, so it wasn't a big deal if they were over when we were home alone. If I was babysitting I could tell them no if I was overwhelmed (my parents didn't let my siblings' other friends come over when it was just me for years) but I don't remember doing that. They kept my brother busy so I was happy haha.

And I think it was split pretty evenly between "latchkey" kids and non-latchkey kids where I grew up once we got to middle school, and there were definitely a good number before then. There is a family on my parents' street now that my mom says has a first grader and she stays home alone (my mom doesn't like it and think they leave her alone for too long).