Florida stories

[47of74]

That's not how you use "sex lube"

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A 77-year-old Florida man doused his 72-year-old girlfriend in “sex lube” after his request to get intimate was denied by the victim, police allege.

According to an arrest affidavit, Roger Archambault squirted the lubricant “all over the victim’s shoulder and neck” around 11 PM Friday. Archambault, cops said, “wanted to have sex with the victim” and acted “when she denied him.”

Police responding to the couple’s Clearwater apartment noted that lubricant “was visible” on the woman, who also had bruises from an earlier confrontation during which Archambault allegedly kicked her in the thigh and grabbed her hand.

 

[MarblesMom]

Somehow, I think SD peeps wouldn't make it in prime time, based on some of the FL shit we have read here:

"N **** Ave for 10-15 "Creepy" people gathering in a parking lot. RPs only concern was they were Creepy looking."

WITAF does that even mean?

 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

14 hours ago, 47of74 said:

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Police responding to the couple’s Clearwater apartment noted that lubricant “was visible” on the woman, who also had bruises from an earlier confrontation during which Archambault allegedly kicked her in the thigh and grabbed her hand.

 

Gee, and he didn't know why she wasn't in the mood later? Asswipe.

[47of74]

Florida Man got himself banned from the beach

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A Daytona Beach man is banned from Volusia County beaches for six months after the mother of a teenager told officers he was giving out a business card that read, “Sugardaddy seeking his sugarbaby.”

Richard Basaraba, 73, was not charged with a crime and told police he had been passing out business cards Saturday to young females on the beach who all were older than 18. Officials are making Basaraba stay off beaches and walkovers because he gave out business cards, a violation of a Volusia County ordinance that prohibits soliciting on the beach.

In an interview at his beachside condo Wednesday, Basaraba said he had no nefarious intentions toward the girls and was “devastated” by what he considers an overreaction from law enforcement.

He had no nefarious intentions?

Yeah.  I have one of these for sale for anyone who believes that.

As always I can do cash or paypal.

And Florida Man got into a fight with his son over a hedgehog

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A Florida man told deputies he was wielding a machete and baseball bat to protect himself against his son in a fight over a hedgehog.

Homer Stacy II, 53, was arrested Sunday on aggravated assault and battery charges after the argument with his son, Jacob Stacy, 18, The Miami Herald reports.

 

[MarblesMom]

SD man wants in on the action:  "5th and Marion for an intoxicated male subject, dancing in the middle of Marion Rd, also just threw a beer at a passing car."

At least this man is clothed... I think.

[47of74]

Florida Man forges vacationing judge's signature

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In the game of worst ways to get disbarred, one former Florida lawyer has scored almost as high as the notorious Prenda Law 'porn-stortion' scheming lawyers. Jose Manual Camacho pleaded guilty to 14 felony charges related to forging the signatures of judges for cases he was working on. He probably would have gotten away with it too, if only he had minded judge Garcia-Wood's vacation schedule.

As a result of his guilty plea, Camacho was sentenced to 364 days in jail, as well as 10 years of probation. While some might think the sentence is too light, particular for 14 felonies, Camacho did admit guilt and he cooperated with authorities. Additionally, it's not likely he'll be able to practice again anytime soon, or ever.

Yeah, that's one way to end your legal career.

[MarblesMom]

Hold on:  SD man wants back into the spotlight: 

Scanner: "I believe the reporting party is calling himself in as the intoxicated subject."

Sounds like drinking responsibly to me.

[FundieFarmer]

Don't say Orlando never gave you anything but The Mouse House:

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/breaking-news/os-car-explosion-grill-cigarette-20170813-story.html

[47of74]

46 minutes ago, FundieFarmer said:

Don't say Orlando never gave you anything but The Mouse House:

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/breaking-news/os-car-explosion-grill-cigarette-20170813-story.html

Yeah my sister wants to move there.

Meanwhile Florida Man listened to a hookah smoking caterpillar.

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A Freeport man who identified himself as 'Alice in Wonderland' to police caused over $100, 000 worth of damage to a Walmart liquor store construction site Saturday, according to police.

The Crestview Police Department (CPD) said 32-year-old Mathew Jones broke into a fenced-in construction site on Ferdon Boulevard South and allegedly commandeered a forklift.

The situation escalated when the suspect allegedly aimed the forklift toward CPD officers, at which point he was reportedly stopped at gunpoint and detained.

Jones told police he was told to commit the offenses by a "hookah-smoking caterpillar," according to his arrest report.

 

[47of74]

Important tip: don't snort cocaine in the parent pick up line at school like Florida Woman did Tuesday at a Ft. Meyers middle school.

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The Lee County deputy said he was patrolling Lexington Middle School just before 4 p.m. when he saw 39-year-old Christina Hester snort the drug off the screen of her iPhone with a straw, according to WFTX.

The deputy took Hester to his office where he arrested her. A field test later determined that half a gram of white powder found in her purse was cocaine, according to WFTX.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man wanted McDonald's ice cream really bad.

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According to cops, a BMW driven by Michael Delhomme pulled up to the drive-thru intercom of a Delray Beach McDonald’s around 11:50 PM Sunday. Delhomme was accompanied in the car by passenger Jerry Henry, 19.

Delhomme became upset “because ice cream could not be served to him as the ice cream machine was not operational,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

After worker Devin Wright delivered the ice cream news, Henry exited the car and removed “what clearly appeared to be a long barrel firearm” from the BMW’s trunk. Wright, watching Henry via a surveillance camera, “immediately feared for his life and notified his co-workers of what he had seen.” The employees then “went into the restaurant’s bathroom to hide and call 911.”

When police arrived at the McDonald’s, Delhomme and Henry were inside the BMW at the drive-thru window. Inside the vehicle cops found an AR-15 Airsoft gun that “did not have any clear visible markings to distinguish it from an actual AR-15 rifle.”

And driving to another McDonalds that had a functional ice cream machine was beyond his abilities?  I checked and there's like 30 different McDonalds in a 20 mile radius.  Surely one of them would have been open and able to satisfy his cravings more than pulling what appeared to be an AR-15 out.  Of course Florida Man doesn't usually think that far ahead.

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

14 hours ago, 47of74 said:

And driving to another McDonalds that had a functional ice cream machine was beyond his abilities? 

I was annoyed a few times in the past that the (back then) only 24 hour drive thru at a fast-food restaurant in my city couldn't sell me a milkshake at 1am, because their machine was closed down. I never considered pulling a weapon. (The best I'd be able to muster is a water gun.) I just put on my big girl panties and got over it. 

[47of74]

The Illuminati made me do it! 

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A Florida man arrested yesterday for stealing items from a Kmart told police that the “Illuminati made me do it.”

Brian Isola, 30, was busted Thursday morning for allegedly trying to boost items worth $320 from a store in Vero Beach. 

After reportedly being caught in the act by a patrolman, Isola initially blamed his travails on the Illuminati, the shadowy international organization that runs the world in conjunction with the Rockefellers, George Soros, the Bilderberg Group, and Jay-Z.

 

[Khan]

I want to know more about this hedgehog and why the man was called the second instead of Junior.

[OtterRuletheWorld]

I am loving these! As one who frequents wtfFlorida, has spent a bit of my life living there and now lives in California, I can't help but laugh at these.  No offense to anyone who is from Florida. I favor your beaches, warm weather, air quality and cost of living.

I wish there was a site for weird things that happen in California.

[47of74]

With help from Florida Woman, Florida Man gets in even more trouble.

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When Marco Sullivan was arrested in Lakeland on an outstanding warrant from Orange County, he didn't want his employer to know, so he asked his girlfriend, Martisha Wilson to try and cover it up for him.

He told Wilson to download a Polk Sheriff's Office letterhead. Sullivan told her to write a letter saying that he was on a special mission with the ATF Division of the Polk Sheriff's Office.

The letter was written entirely in capital letters. Then there were the spelling mistakes.

"He'll be on the unit for 6 months or less," Judd read from the letter. "Do (sic) to the severity of the case, I am not able to enclosed (sic), E-N-C-L-O-S-E-D, no farther (sic), F-A-R-T-H-E-R, information," Judd read, spelling out some of the misspelled words.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man learned the hard way you shouldn't tell cops good luck with that.

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A Florida man wearing a hockey mask painted with a Confederate flag was arrested Friday after refusing police directions to remove the mask as he took part in a protest in support of keeping a statue of a Confederate soldier that was erected outside the county courthouse.

Ryan Hawks, 39, was collared in front of the Hernando County courthouse for wearing a mask or hood that concealed his identity.

According to police, Hawks “approached several law enforcement officers while wearing the mask and was advised of the law violation.” Upon being told a second time that he was breaking the law, the 6’, 240-pound Hawk reportedly replied, "You want me to remove the mask? Good luck with that."

 

[47of74]

You think Florida couples would know enough by now not to do PDA in public

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A Florida man performed a sex act on a female companion “in the middle of families” gathered on a Clearwater beach Sunday afternoon, according to cops who arrested the couple.

Police charge that Jeffrey Kernan, 50, “was performing oral sex on his girlfriend” around 5 PM. “This was in front of families and children,” a patrolman wrote in an arrest affidavit.

Cops identified the focus of Kernan’s attention as Alexandria Rowell, 26.

While apparently contacted by an officer as they trysted, Kernan and Rowell were, for some unknown reason, not charged with public indecency. Instead, they were each arrested for possession of an open container of alcohol (a 16-ounce can of Four Loko).

 

[47of74]

Florida Man shows off his method of dealing with the hurricane.

yahoo.com/news/florida-gun-owners-encouraged-apos-213111921.html

A Florida man who suggested shooting guns at Hurricane Irma out of "stress and boredom" has found that his idea has captured peoples' imaginations - with over 46,000 signing up to join in.

Hurricane Irma is due to hit Florida on Saturday, and the state is currently experiencing the largest ever mass evacuation due to a hurricane in American history.

But Ryon Edwards, 22, came up with a novel way of amusing himself during the storm: firing bullets into it.

[Cartmann99]

@47of74, saw this on Twitter and thought of your thread:

Edited September 9, 2017 by Cartmann99

[Cartmann99]

Florida man is looking for some action:

 

[47of74]

And in the aftermath of Irma Florida Men are out and about again

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Two men were arrested in Jacksonville for trying to steal a light pole after Hurricane Irma.

The Jacksonville men were arrested after someone reported seeing them load a light pole on top of an SUV on the Wonderwood Connector on Wednesday, two days after Hurricane Irma caused major damage in Jacksonville.

According to a police report, an officer heard over the radio that two men without shirts on were loading a light pole on top of a Gray Kia Sorrento.

 

[47of74]

And here comes Florida Woman, roaring back to life after Irma;

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The 30-year-old Floridian is jailed on a battery charge after she allegedly became angry and struck a male acquaintance in the face when he declined to have sex with her, cops report.

Officers responded to Phelps’s New Port Richey home around 2 AM yesterday, according to a complaint affidavit.

Phelps and the victim had been drinking outside her residence when she “started to get mad with the victim because he did not want to have sexual relations with her.” Phelps then allegedly “started to scream and smack the victim.”

Phelps also scratched the man’s right arm, drawing blood. She had the victim's skin under her nails when she was examined by deputies.

 

[JMarie]

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article174085371.html

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The Naval Jacksonville Hospital announced Monday night that it has removed multiple employees after images of them inappropriately handling newborn babies surfaced online.

A Facebook post, shared over 180,000 times, depicts a hospital staff member flipping off a baby with the caption “How I currently feel about these mini Satans.”

The image, which the Facebook post said came from a “navy nurse,” was a screenshot of an image shared on Snapchat, according to ABC News.

And in a video, another employee is reportedly seen holding an infant and making it dance to rap music, according to KENS5 News.

 

[47of74]

On 9/19/2017 at 9:06 PM, JMarie said:

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article174085371.html

 

Ugh.  These people should not have been within 5000 miles of patients.