Meta-Commentary and Question - Attractive Men

[aerynoctober]

So, a conversation with a male friend led me to ponder something.

He was lamenting that he, a nice guy who would be perfectly happy to be a 50/50 partner in housework, cooking, cleaning, and childcare, is never going to find a smart woman to settle down and marry him. He gave this board, which I started him lurking on, as a piece of evidence.

When topics of male sexual attractiveness come up, whose picture gets posted immediately?

Not Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, the sensitive 50-50 parents, despite their being hot sexy movie star types.

We consistently post Alan Rickman and Hugh Laurie. Their most famous and well-known roles, and the roles in which they're appearing in the pictures we post them the most often, are Severus Snape and Gregory House.

Snape and House are arrogant, sneering, borderline-misogynist assholes.

Snape is a domineering strict schoolmaster who punishes disobedience and disrespect severely and lives in a soundproof dungeon. He's as close to a submissive's BDSM fantasy as one can get without screaming, "Spank my naughty ass, please! I don't WANNA sit comfortably tomorrow!"

Why, on a board full of feminists, is it that the two most frequent objects of expressed sexual desire are everything that a guy like my friend is supposed to NOT be?

I have no theories as of yet. I'm in the thinking-it-over and data-gathering phase of forming an hypothesis.

Edited for a typo.

Edited to fix the name. Sheesh.

[valsa]

I've long been wanting us to post pictures of pretty drag queens or transsexuals... I'm not sure what that says about me...

[aerynoctober]

I've long been wanting us to post pictures of pretty drag queens or transsexuals... I'm not sure what that says about me...

:lol: I love drag queens!! They don't get me all hot and bothered, but they're fun.

[clibbyjo]

So, a conversation with a male friend led me to ponder something.

He was lamenting that he, a nice guy who would be perfectly happy to be a 50/50 partner in housework, cooking, cleaning, and childcare, is never going to find a smart woman to settle down and marry him. He gave this board, which I started him lurking on, as a piece of evidence.

When topics of male sexual attractiveness come up, whose picture gets posted immediately?

Not Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, the sensitive 50-50 parents, despite their being hot sexy movie star types.

We consistently post Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant. Their most famous and well-known roles, and the roles in which they're appearing in the pictures we post them the most often, are Severus Snape and Gregory House.

Snape and House are arrogant, sneering, borderline-misogynist assholes.

Snape is a domineering strict schoolmaster who punishes disobedience and disrespect severely and lives in a soundproof dungeon. He's as close to a submissive's BDSM fantasy as one can get without screaming, "Spank my naughty ass, please! I don't WANNA sit comfortably tomorrow!"

Why, on a board full of feminists, is it that the two most frequent objects of expressed sexual desire are everything that a guy like my friend is supposed to NOT be?

I have no theories as of yet. I'm in the thinking-it-over and data-gathering phase of forming an hypothesis.

Edited for a typo.

DIBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This guy is nice,has a job and in his 30's? I'll hook him up with my younger sister! She owns her own business in Taos(massage) and is completely awesome. Most men would say she is hot. Her last BF was an asshole doctor who thought the world revolved around him. She needs somene good. Can I plan the wedding now? :whistle:

[aerynoctober]

clibbyjo: I'm good friends with my GP. He told me the following joke:

"What the difference between God and a doctor? God doesn't think He's a doctor!" :lol:

[gracegrace]

I think your friend needs to stop feeling sorry for himself because people here have posted Alan Rickman pics and get out there and meet people.

I'm serious. He seems to think that no smart woman will want him because the smart women here go aaahhhhhh over Mr. Rickman. If that's right, then no guys would ever marry anyone who doesn't look like (fill in the blank here with actress).

When we're oogling photos, of course we are going to react to looks; there's nothing else to react to! But with real people, what makes them attractive is all sorts of things you can't get in a photo. For me, a list of those things includes humor, smarts, whether or not he gets my odd sense of humor, enthusiasm about his own life, being someone I want to talk to, etc etc. Being willing to share the work at home is part of it, but certainly not all of it.

[aerynoctober]

I think your friend needs to stop feeling sorry for himself because people here have posted Alan Rickman pics and get out there and meet people.

I'm serious. He seems to think that no smart woman will want him because the smart women here go aaahhhhhh over Mr. Rickman. If that's right, then no guys would ever marry anyone who doesn't look like (fill in the blank here with actress).

When we're oogling photos, of course we are going to react to looks; there's nothing else to react to! But with real people, what makes them attractive is all sorts of things you can't get in a photo. For me, a list of those things includes humor, smarts, whether or not he gets my odd sense of humor, enthusiasm about his own life, being someone I want to talk to, etc etc. Being willing to share the work at home is part of it, but certainly not all of it.

He does meet people. He's on eHarmony now, and between the two of us we know nine eHarmony marriages, so my hopes for him are good.

There are tons of really hot male celebrities. Why is it that the two who get posted most consistently on a board full of feminists are famous for playing fictional characters who are out-and-out jerks? Do you have a theory about that in particular? I am seriously interested in this, and so far no one's really addressed it.

[demgirl]

At least for me, your friend is confusing drooling over the characters with drooling over the actors. Besides, for me the attraction is partly physical, party rapier wit, and partly Alan Rickman's dead ass sexy droll voice.

[emmiedahl]

I think House and Snape as hot as flame, but I married the stereotypical nice guy. There is hope for your friend. Many women look for nice guys when it comes to a mate even though we crush on the bad guys.

[aerynoctober]

At least for me, your friend is confusing drooling over the characters with drooling over the actors. Besides, for me the attraction is partly physical, party rapier wit, and partly Alan Rickman's dead ass sexy droll voice.

Fair enough. Thank you for answering. What scenes from what films do you find Alan Rickman sexiest in? Snape scenes, or other films, and if so, which?

[emeraldskull]

At least for me, your friend is confusing drooling over the characters with drooling over the actors. Besides, for me the attraction is partly physical, party rapier wit, and partly Alan Rickman's dead ass sexy droll voice.

I would agree here.. just because I find an actor sexy, and his sexiest look was as a certain character, does not mean that I am attracted to that sort of character in real life.

[aerynoctober]

I think House and Snape as hot as flame, but I married the stereotypical nice guy. There is hope for your friend. Many women look for nice guys when it comes to a mate even though we crush on the bad guys.

I got with a nice guy and turned him into a bad guy, LOL. I kinkified him. :twisted: Yes, there's definitely hope for him. I just find it really fascinating in general -- it's definitively NOT feminist male actors or characters who get drooled over here. I went back and looked at multiple threads on the old board in an attempt to counter-argue with him, and he was right.

I can come up with some pretty good evolutionary reasoning, but my intuition says there's more to it than that. I'm just not sure what.

[Deleted03]

I think Brad Pitt is hot. But I'm 25 and he's aaaaa lot more older. It's great that he has kids and that he takes care of them on an equal basis with his partner. At the same time I'm not that attracted to men with kids, because well I do want to have kids, but I think it would be too complicated to start or think about starting anything with someone who has kids (sorry).

So yeah I fantasize about guys who have smoking irrealistic bodies (no I don't either reject any guy who does not look like Alexander Skarsgaard). I think this is a very stupid, if coming from a good place, commentary. don't encourage him in thinking he's right. We're fantasizing over bodies. Maybe all those actors are a-hole in real life and none of us would want to touch them with a 5 foot pole.

[Squeaky]

We consistently post Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant. Their most famous and well-known roles, and the roles in which they're appearing in the pictures we post them the most often, are Severus Snape and Gregory House.

Snape and House are arrogant, sneering, borderline-misogynist assholes.

Snape is a domineering strict schoolmaster who punishes disobedience and disrespect severely and lives in a soundproof dungeon. He's as close to a submissive's BDSM fantasy as one can get without screaming, "Spank my naughty ass, please! I don't WANNA sit comfortably tomorrow!"

(Psst--I think you mean Hugh Laurie!)

I think there's a big difference between fantasizing about someone and actually being willing to have sex with that person. I don't know if anyone else here is watching Game of Thrones, but I am currently nursing a big ol' stupid crush on Theon Greyjoy:

Right now he's kind of a jerk who frequents prostitutes and sexually harasses servant women and (spoiler alert?) is WAY MORE of a dick later in the series. And every time his weird face shows up I want to get him under a pile of furs and see just how soon winter is coming.*

However, I have known men in real life who were far lesser jerks and I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole. The boys and men I've dated have been lovely, respectful people to the very last one, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. I bet your friend also finds people attractive who don't live up to his ideals, either.

The question is more, "Why do we fantasize about jerks?" I think for a lot of women, it's because we wouldn't ever date them.

*I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself with that joke. I know he's not even a Stark.

[aerynoctober]

Thanks, Squeaky. Fixed the name. :) That's a good point -- fantasies are often fantasies simply because they're a road one can't or won't travel down.

[lovefromgirl]

When topics of male sexual attractiveness come up, whose picture gets posted immediately?

Not Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, the sensitive 50-50 parents, despite their being hot sexy movie star types.

Tom Cruise is ten pounds of loony in a five-pound bag, and I know from loony. Ironically, he would claim loony just means I have too many dead aliens clinging to my soul. No.

We consistently post Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant. Their most famous and well-known roles, and the roles in which they're appearing in the pictures we post them the most often, are Severus Snape and Gregory House.

Hugh Laurie was also rather famous for his portrayal of lovable, goofy Bertie Wooster.

As for Alan Rickman, and as with Nathan Fillion (who is also a lust object around here), careers are longer than one role. I admit I don't follow Rickman's career very closely, but I recall he has played--among others--an Austen hero and a heart surgeon.

But then I spent much of my senior year of high school daydreaming about Damian "Major Winters" Lewis. (Didn't see Firefly until college. :D )

Snape and House are arrogant, sneering, borderline-misogynist assholes.

...aw, hell, I can't argue that point, but I will point out they are also damaged characters. It's not a leap for me to get to the present from the past in either case. Doesn't mean I'd date them unless serious reform had happened first. Does mean I sympathize rather than condemn.

Why, on a board full of feminists, is it that the two most frequent objects of expressed sexual desire are everything that a guy like my friend is supposed to NOT be?

Uh, guys like your friend are infamous for Nice Guy Syndrome. Forgive me if I no longer take guys like that at face value. At least with an asshole, I know what I'm getting. Provided a guy really is nice, and not just Nice, sure. Eminently dateable, where was he when I wasn't polyamorous, is he willing to share me, is he childfree, etc.

And my grand unrequited loves? Nice. Men. Small-n. I fancied myself tragically in love with *cough* yes, a teacher, but he was also one of the nearest chums I had at the time. Kind of Woosteresque, actually. And there was the shy, almost too-quiet tarot card reader. Oh, and the children's book artist. My grand requited love is, yes, tall, dark, and English, but I assure you that's a coincidence. I love him because he respects me, loves me, deals very well with my wonky brain (I really know from loony), and prefers mellow to perpetual froth. IOW, just the opposite of my dad. ;)

So your friend may do well to remember that, like men, women are nuanced creatures who don't always show their most dateable sides on message boards about patriarchal Christian fundamentalism. But he can call me if he lives in Western New York.

[antifundie]

I do like Alan Rickman. But I liked him in Sense and Sensibility--Snape doesn't really do it for me.

And I do love me some Hugh Laurie--as House, I'm attracted to his deadpan humor. But I first fell for him in Jeeves and Wooster.

And I think Brad Pitt is a jerk. Yes, he's a good dad, but from what I know of Hollywood gossip, he hooked with with Angelina before breaking up with Jenn. I don't care that he got a divorce--I just think it's not cool to dump your wife for somebody else.

I should say--my favorite character of all time is Don Giovanni as portrayed in Mozart's opera. He's a scoundrel for sure, but he sings! Anyhoo, I married a guy who is soooooo not a scoundrel, and I'm way more attracted to my husband than to Don G (as is appropriate). Don G is the exciting bad boy that's hot and exciting, but ultimately you know a relationship with somebody like that is like eating too much sugar--you know you're going to crash.

(I did date a real-life bad boy, which also cured me of any lingering idea that they were awesome in real life. They are NOT)

On the flip side, my husband has a celebrity crush on Kate Winslet--who is a beautiful woman. I also don't look a thing like her--for starters, I'm not blond, nor do I have blue eyes.

And? Met the husband on the internet! :)

[valsa]

Nathan Fillion (who is also a lust object around here)

Does Nathan Fillion play jerks? I only know him from Firefly where he played more of a Jerk With A Heart of Gold.

[bananacat]

Wow, this guy seems like a very classic Nice Guy . My guess is that he never actually asks women out and expects them to come to him to him, or else he is creepy in some way. I have no sympathy for guys who sit around feeling sorry for themselves and feeling like they're entitled to women.

[Rosa]

Like Lovefromgirl, I never believe any dude who says he's a nice guy. It's like Christians who tell you how Christian they are - really? You didn't trust me to just know? And I hate whining.

That said, the reason there's no pictures of feminist co-parent actor Tim Robbins is because I'm too lazy to find/link photos of him when young, and he hasn't aged as well as Alan Rickman. But Young Tim Robbins has always been a staple of my fantasy life since I saw the "but did you love her?" scene in Erik The Viking when I was an impressionable teen.

[valsa]

:lol: I love drag queens!! They don't get me all hot and bothered, but they're fun.

Awesome! I'm not the only weirdo! (I honestly have no idea why I love drag queens as much as I do. Maybe the bisexual in me just overloads and goes on the fritz at the sight of a guy who looks and dresses like a girl?)

[FloraDoraDolly]

So, a conversation with a male friend led me to ponder something.

He was lamenting that he, a nice guy who would be perfectly happy to be a 50/50 partner in housework, cooking, cleaning, and childcare, is never going to find a smart woman to settle down and marry him. He gave this board, which I started him lurking on, as a piece of evidence.

When topics of male sexual attractiveness come up, whose picture gets posted immediately?

Not Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, the sensitive 50-50 parents, despite their being hot sexy movie star types.

We consistently post Alan Rickman and Hugh Laurie. Their most famous and well-known roles, and the roles in which they're appearing in the pictures we post them the most often, are Severus Snape and Gregory House.

Snape and House are arrogant, sneering, borderline-misogynist assholes.

Snape is a domineering strict schoolmaster who punishes disobedience and disrespect severely and lives in a soundproof dungeon. He's as close to a submissive's BDSM fantasy as one can get without screaming, "Spank my naughty ass, please! I don't WANNA sit comfortably tomorrow!"

Why, on a board full of feminists, is it that the two most frequent objects of expressed sexual desire are everything that a guy like my friend is supposed to NOT be?

I have no theories as of yet. I'm in the thinking-it-over and data-gathering phase of forming an hypothesis.

Edited for a typo.

Edited to fix the name. Sheesh.

I'm wondering about the women your friend is pursuing. It's great that he wants a 50-50 relationship with a smart woman, but at the same time he could still be one of those guys who chases after the Britney Spears wanna-bees and won't even consider asking out a woman who happens to be a few pounds overweight or who has a bad perm or who might be a bit shy.

[bananacat]

More to the point, I'll pick Brad Pitt over Hugh Laurie anyway. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist so I don't see how he would be an ideal man to lust after anyway. But if your friend thinks that all or most women want a certain look, then maybe he should try to imitate that look. That's the advice that basically any woman would get if she couldn't get a husband. If it really is true that women don't like the way Brad Pitt looks (and I highly doubt that your friend looks like Brad Pitt anyway), then he should try to give women what he thinks they want.

[kb2]

I married a guy who looks kinda like Ben Folds, but balder.

It seems like a lot of Alan Rickman photos come from non-Snape photo shoots, where he looks softer than that character. Hugh Laurie did the show "A Bit of Fry and Laurie," which is hilarious, and he seems so amiable in interviews. I do think Vin Diesel is hot, but I never supply photos because that takes work to find and upload them, and I'm lazy! (I would like Tom Cruise, but he denied the entire existence of postpartum depression and was unforgivably sanctimonious about it. And Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Anniston, so I don't really see him as that awesome of a partner.)

[Witsec1]