Gay couples and children

[Feberin]

When I worked in a summer camp there were two girls in my group who had gay parents one with two dads and one with two moms. They were awesome kids! The only problem I can see with gay parents (or single parents) raising kids who are the opposite gender from them is that they need to have a friend or family member of the child's gender who can help when a kid gets to puberty. It's not the same but I was raised by my father from the time I was eight and having my grandmother to talk to about certain things really helped. But I don't think it's really a problem because I think anyone with any support system is going to have somebody who will help them out. And all the gay couples I've seen on news shows and such seem to be very aware of that fact.

[emmiedahl]

You explained this better than I, so thanks. I was trying to address the faint praise/fine-if-no-one-else-wants-the-children issue. And when I said "we", I mean we as a society, not we as the freejinger community. :)

I think a gay couple should be considered equal to a straight couple in terms of adoption and pretty much everything else. And it cannot be clarified or restated enough.

But they aren't equal in many places. So a lot of gay adoptive parents *are* raising children that no one else really wanted. I think many non-assholes bring it up because we know these kids that would be in lifelong foster care and instead they have a functional home. It makes the argument against gay parents even more ridiculous.

Anyway, just thought I would throw that in there. :dance: :dance:

[BlackHawk]

When I worked in a summer camp there were two girls in my group who had gay parents one with two dads and one with two moms. They were awesome kids! The only problem I can see with gay parents (or single parents) raising kids who are the opposite gender from them is that they need to have a friend or family member of the child's gender who can help when a kid gets to puberty. It's not the same but I was raised by my father from the time I was eight and having my grandmother to talk to about certain things really helped. But I don't think it's really a problem because I think anyone with any support system is going to have somebody who will help them out. And all the gay couples I've seen on news shows and such seem to be very aware of that fact.

The thing is, even straight parents have outside support systems. No one raises a child without others involved, whether that be family or friends. I get a little hackled when I hear people say the line I've bolded of yours. I don't know why honestly, it just strikes me as being talked down to about things. It's not a problem, as it was put, it's just a reality of life. Do you only talk to your mother and father about things... does any person raised by their hetero parents only talk to mom and dad? I know I used to talk to my uncles and my brothers as well as my mom (and I avoided dad like the plague). It's a fact of life that everyone needs someone they can talk to about sensitive issues and have a privacy that is respected, gay straight or not.

[Austin]

Obviously, we are a straight couple and as a mother, I consider my sons and me very close. Even so, I can't tell you how many other important women they've all had in their lives, going back years. And they've had many important men in their lives beyond their father, with whom they are also very close. I think (I would hope) that most kids, even those with pretty good parents, have relationships with other adults.

No parent is or should try to be their child's be-all, end-all. I accept that they need all sorts of people in their lives, and I am grateful for how blessed they have been by these relationships.

[Witsec7]

It takes a village, gay, straight, male and female. My DD still has close relationships with the men and women that helped me raise her.

[Guest Anonymous]

When my daughter was in preschool there was a little girl with two moms. She was a great kid, very smart, her moms were very involved with her and the school. They took her on great vacations and provided a really good life for her. I just don't get why this is such a big deal in peoples eyes. We recently ran into her and one of her moms at the mall (she is now about 11) and she was the same lovely young girl as I knew when she was 4.

[Vex]

In all seriousness, as a potential gay parent myself I can certainly see some issues with it. I worry that if I'm lucky enough to somehow have children they will be bullied or disadvantaged because of the way I was born. I worry because I feel that kids need to have loving, supportive people of both genders around in their lives - they don't have to be parents, but I know that as a woman there are some things a son might not feel comfortable sharing with me, or there might be questions might be better answered by someone of the same gender. I worry that my child(ren) might feel deprived of paternal affection and turn to somebody who might take advantage of them and can't be trusted.

The thing is, these aren't issues exclusive to gay parents. Not at all.

Kids are made fun of all the time, for all kinds of things. So, the kids of gay parents might be made fun of because their parents are gay, but other kids might be made fun of because the way their parents act or look too. Gay parents don't cause the bullying any more than a straight parent who passes on a physical trait to their kid, who gets made fun of because of it.

There are plenty of children from straight families who have either an absent parent, or a parent who just isn't involved or interested. In that case, they're missing out on that connection. I think it's actually worse in this situation, because the child might feel rejected or neglected by said parent. While I think that it is a good thing to have a variety of loving, supportive adults of both genders in the lives of children, there are millions of kids who have turned out just fine in spite of not having that.

I think the same is true of kids who feel deprived of parental attention or love and turn to other adults in their lives. It's something that can happen not only to kids with straight, one-parent homes, but to kids with straight, two-parent homes. It can happen to any child at all, even when the child is loved and treasured by their parents. There is absolutely no proof that children from gay families are more prone to being abused.

So, I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that even though I have fears, I also know that deep down they're unfounded. There is quite a lot of research out there that suggests gay parents are every bit as effective as parents as straight ones. As long as the kids are happy and well-adjusted and the parents love and care for their kids, I don't think it makes one iota of difference what their parents' sexual orientation is.

[Feberin]

The thing is, even straight parents have outside support systems. No one raises a child without others involved, whether that be family or friends. I get a little hackled when I hear people say the line I've bolded of yours. I don't know why honestly, it just strikes me as being talked down to about things. It's not a problem, as it was put, it's just a reality of life. Do you only talk to your mother and father about things... does any person raised by their hetero parents only talk to mom and dad? I know I used to talk to my uncles and my brothers as well as my mom (and I avoided dad like the plague). It's a fact of life that everyone needs someone they can talk to about sensitive issues and have a privacy that is respected, gay straight or not.

I followed up my statement by saying that almost everyone is going to have a support system in place so it's not really a problem. I'm sorry if you felt talked down to that wasn't my intention.

[QAF_Rocks]

The only problem I can see with gay parents (or single parents) raising kids who are the opposite gender from them is that they need to have a friend or family member of the child's gender who can help when a kid gets to puberty.

I think it would be ideal if parents of both sexes were comfortable talking to their kids about puberty. But since parents vary so widely, it's hard to make generalizations. I'm sure we've all heard of mothers who didn't talk to their daughters about bras or menstruation, or fathers who didn't tell their sons about erections or wet dreams. Lots of children growing up in heterosexual families never get "the talk."

I grew up with two lesbian moms, which in theory should have been ideal for a daughter hitting puberty. In fact, although my parents were willing to talk about it, I was very uncomfortable and had no desire to discuss it. When I got my first period, I knew what was happening and had gotten information at school, but I didn't want to talk to either of my parents about it. When I got my first bra, I was too shy to go to the store to buy it, so they brought one home for me.

So a lot depends on the child, as well as the parent. Some kids might be happy to talk to their gay parents about puberty, some might not be, same as with sons and daughters of straight parents. I think all parents should at least attempt to broach the topic and, if the child is of the opposite sex, make it known that relatives or friends are available to talk if they have questions. Even when the child is the same sex, this could be helpful. I would imagine that some daughters might not want to talk to Mom (straight or gay) about sex, but might feel comfortable having a conversation with cool Aunt Lisa, for example.

[QAF_Rocks]

I worry that my child(ren) might feel deprived of paternal affection and turn to somebody who might take advantage of them and can't be trusted.

I think the same is true of kids who feel deprived of parental attention or love and turn to other adults in their lives. It's something that can happen not only to kids with straight, one-parent homes, but to kids with straight, two-parent homes. It can happen to any child at all, even when the child is loved and treasured by their parents. There is absolutely no proof that children from gay families are more prone to being abused.

I would agree! I definitely don't think you need to worry about this one. Many anti-gay people seize on this fear and say that children with two moms or two dads are going to turn to adults of the opposite sex as "substitutes" for the parent they are supposedly missing. While I guess this could happen, from what I've seen and read it seems to happen to girls who are abandoned by their fathers and are thus constantly seeking male attention and approval. I've never seen it happen to a girl who was raised in a two-mom family and had a stable, secure home life with attentive parents. And, as you pointed out, all the research that has been done on children of gay parents doesn't support this theory. Children with two mothers aren't more likely to be abused or exploited, either by parents or by adults outside the family.