Bro Gary Hawkins 21: Let's PRIASE the Lord

[thoughtful]

Finishing Gary's wandering rant (ironically enough, about having goals!) from 10/10/22, he says he thinks about Genesis 6, in which God tells Noah it "ripinted heeum that he'd made human life," and that his spirit would not always strive with man.

Gary reassures them that, if they are saved, they'll be OK, but that he thinks God is "slowly pullin' th'spirita God away."

He tells the next story quietly, with lots of dramatic pauses. He says he hears people say they're "seein' thousands saved, but there's only one problem. Ah'm gonna trah t'tiptoe through this so you won't know where it was but there was a revival some tahm ago, and they said whahl th'revival was goin' ohn, at each enda th'road, where the revival was, they was buildin' liquor stores. Ah don't think that's a revival. An' after th'meeting was over, after th'lengtha tahm it went, ______ (garbled) any of ya's thinkin' it's fine ah really don't care, ah wish those preachers would git saved it would help 'em. An' after the meeting was over, they said the church didn't even have many people in it."

Don't ask me what the point of that was supposed to be. Maybe he was blaming the lack of revival, and the coincidence of the liquor stores being built, on the preachers?

He yells about salvation for a while, and how he can tell how some people who claim to be saved really aren't, because they don't change. He thinks some people are just going for high numbers they claim to have saved.

"We got a generation of numbers." He imitates an imaginary soul-winner: "'Oh, you, ah wanna be in the Sworda th'Lord, so ah gotta have so many numbers.'  Listen, ah wanna tellya somethin' - ah wanna be in the sword of Jesus."

Sounds uncomfortable.

"Ah don't wanna be in a man's paper, ah don't ah don't lahk it ah been in the paper twice in mah tahma bein' in the ministry ah don't really keer nothin' 'bout that ah don't want the highlights of mahself see ah'm not one that wantsta have th'big numbers an' ah'm not th'one that wantsta have th'big name, ah wanna ah wanna just name th'name'a Jesus. You say 'Wha?' His names the one 'at'll do it Acts chapter four verse 12 says there's no other name. Under heaven. Given among men. Where must you been - where you must be saved ah prob'ly didn't git that word for word ah'm just sayin' that's th'name ah wanna promote."

He keeps going, but you get the idea.

Gary says he can't change himself. "Ah remember, years ago an' ah'm gonna haveta quit here, but ah remember years ago, we lived in South Dakota for a little whahl, an' we had this Indian . . ."

Oh, he's just telling the story about the man who used to show up drunk for Thursday dinner, who went to AA (Gary says AAA, of course) but never got sober, because he didn't have Jesus.

He says that AA doesn't help anyone, because all they do is tell you "you a drunk, you a drunk, you a drunk."

He starts in about how he became a new man when he got saved, and, while people will bring up his past, God never does, and revs up to screaming about his seven children, SIL, DIL and granddaughter, and how he wants them to know the straight and narrow way.

On to how only the King James is a bible, the rest are just books and "hey, they got a sodomaht book now."

He goes on to Shadrach et al, and how they didn't bow down to the world's music, once again claiming "ah'm done." but he goes on about KLove and country music.

"You'd be better off listenin' t'Kiss than you would be listenin' t'KLove."

Captions:

Spoiler

How did Ms. Swift get in there?

"You may not be bringin' KLove in but you bring in contemporary. Yer bringin' this stuff in ah was listenin' to a group today - ah love th' preacher ah 'preciate the preacher, he's a good preacher ah'm not gonna mention his name, but ah listened to the new C they did - CD they just brought out an' it made me sick."

Captions:

Spoiler

"An' if ah'm sick, ah just wonder how sick God is. Ah just wonder what God's doin' up there, lookin' over the banners of heaven an' lookin' at his people that call theirself childrena God an' call theirself Christians. Ah wonder what he's thinkin'."

He meant banister, not banners - he's used this image before - God, or the saved people in heaven, are usually puking over the banister.

"Ah promise ya this much - ah said this - Tina Turner just dahd. Ah'm sure ever'body knows who Tina Turner is. She just dahd. Did you know prob'ly fifty percenta mah Facebook put her in heaven. And it said hey, she sung real good. Well, ah'manna tellya ah'm not gonna put her in heaven ah'm not gonna put her in hell. But ah'll tellya what she knows where she's at, an' that would not be somethin' she would want put on her Facebook page, that she sung real good. Amen?"

He goes on to his crap about Becky's grandmother dying on the same day as Burt Reynolds, who "didn't leave back a good testimony."

"Ah'm gonna say this an' ah'm done."

I brace myself for more.

"Becky, come t'th'piana."

Oh, maybe he's actually done!

No:

"Ah've told people, ah've told mah chil'ren 'specially, mah fam - mosta mah family's here tonaht - if you want me, an' ah don't know if ah can do it with some of ya, but if you want me t'be a part of your funeral, an' you want me t'putcha in heaven, then here's whatch'll haveta do; you'll have t'live lahk yer goin' there because ah'm not gonna git behand th'pulpit, ah'm not gonna git behand the funeral or whatever it is, ah'm not gonna go to the gravesite an' say 'Oh so-an'-so's just so good, an' they was livin' so righteous' an' you wadn't livin' it. See ah'm not gonna lah fer people an' ah'm not gonna lah to people."

He does his bit about people wanting honesty from doctors and mechanics (we find out that the truck went to the mechanic again the previous day), and he wants the same from a preacher.

"Ah want a preacher t'tell me what thus saith th'worda God," even if it "hurts mah little feelings" and gets him under conviction.

People used to get under conviction. Now, he says, people get mad at him if he gives an altar call.

Captions:

Spoiler

Hey, if people come up, but only pretend to be saved, is that an altar call illusion?

He imitates an imaginary pastor, with his low, dumb-person voice: "'Well, brother Hawkins, unless ah know somebody's lohst here ah don't give an altar call.'"

Captions:

Spoiler

"Well, that's OK, that yer bidness, while ah'm here ah'manna give an altar call."

Captions:

Spoiler

That's a little closer to the actual meaning, at least!

"'Cause it might be somebody that might not be lost which hey if you're lost tonaht ahmanna tellya Jesus still saves people. Jesus is still in the savin' business an' yes, yep you say 'Well preacher, ah wouldn't come t'the altar just because of the way you preach.' Well then as ah said the other day, go raht ahead - you have the right t'meet God in whatever condition. Let's all stand with our heads bowed an' eyes closed."

Captions:

Spoiler

Can a caption program become too exhausted to work?

[Xan]

Thank you for doing this, @thoughtful.  Seeing that you had a new post on Bro Gary honestly made my morning.

I'm beginning to wonder what's going on with Gary.  Yeah, I know he's thin-skinned and feels persecuted most of the time but the personal anecdotes are becoming more frequent.  He thinks people consider him "too mean" to get meetings?  Someone from a New Mexico church did something that pissed him off.  His own family isn't godly enough to merit Gary's lousy remarks at their funerals.  He's keenly aware that he doesn't get "the big numbers" and isn't in the paper.  Did someone message him on Facebook and tell him that he's ill-informed and not very Christian?  He's certainly sulking about something.

The being "in the sword of Jesus" is just weird.  There are so many ways he could have said that he wanted to help Jesus on the fundie imaginary battlefield without actually wishing he was some metal alloy.

Also, Tina Turner is still alive.  I suppose he meant Turner's son who passed away recently.  Well, it worked for the purposes of his story, I guess.  Gary seems to have a hate/hate relationship to 99% of all music.  I think he imagines himself and God just up there together in heaven, puking over the banners.

 

[griffin]

I had to google Tina Turner last night. I was shocked to hear she had died and I hadn't heard. Gary is a never-ending source of misinformation.

[CTRLZero]

12 hours ago, thoughtful said:

On to how only the King James is a bible, the rest are just books and "hey, they got a sodomaht book now."

What!?!  Where can I get one?  😁  

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Xan said:

Also, Tina Turner is still alive.  I suppose he meant Turner's son who passed away recently.

This video was from October 10, so it was before Ronnie Turner's death in December. I have no idea who he was talking about. But whoever it was, people on Facebook thought she sang real good!

As ever, I think that all of Gary's mishegas - his pouting, his inability to speak and think, his eating and dieting, you name it - ebbs and flows. The "won't preach you into heaven at your funeral if you didn't live right" schtick is one he repeats often, for example.

I always think that what's going on with Gary is - Gary.

2 hours ago, Xan said:

The being "in the sword of Jesus" is just weird.  There are so many ways he could have said that he wanted to help Jesus on the fundie imaginary battlefield without actually wishing he was some metal alloy.

at your phrasing. Now I'm hearing it to the tune of the Oscar Meyer jingle:

I wish I was a bronze and iron alloy,
That is what would make me really strong.
And if I was a bronze and iron alloy,
I'd stab folks for Jesus all day long!

I wish I could convey how he sounded when he said it. It was a funny combination of a triumphant "this is the climax of my statement" moment and "wait - does this image actually work?" hesitation.

 

10 minutes ago, CTRLZero said:

What!?!  Where can I get one?  😁  

On Amazon, of course! I'm pretty sure Gary was talking about this - he's brought it up before:

https://www.amazon.com/Queen-James-Bible-God/dp/0615724531

[Dana723]

18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Tina Turner just dahd.

She did?  Must have been December last year or something.

[FeministShrew]

Loretta Lynn died October 4. I bet that’s who he’s thinking about. A couple of my fundie family members posted about her, saying “good singing won’t get you to heaven.”

[Bluebirdbluebell]

7 hours ago, griffin said:

I had to google Tina Turner last night. I was shocked to hear she had died and I hadn't heard. Gary is a never-ending source of misinformation.

 

50 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

She did?  Must have been December last year or something.

No, she's not dead. Tina Turner is alive.  Some a**hole on the internet spread a fake rumor that she died. Here's a source.

Remember the rule about axe murderers, google everything, and don't trust Gary.

Edited January 4, 2023 by Bluebirdbluebell

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, FeministShrew said:

Loretta Lynn died October 4. I bet that’s who he’s thinking about. A couple of my fundie family members posted about her, saying “good singing won’t get you to heaven.”

I bet this was what caused the confusion. I can't imagine most of Gary's Facebook connections commenting on Tina Turner - they're more of a country music crowd.

He remembered it was a woman with an alliterative name - that's pretty good, for Gary.

[thoughtful]

Gary has been busy on Facebook.

Spoiler

Here's the link, if anyone wants to check out the audio:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/victory-baptist-church/id582901726?i=1000577872593&fbclid=IwAR1LGM7HgnM5_g_k1tryH3slMMvLw1fO54tmeW-xTZYW5xeS4wIAIphqnHg

 

 

Spoiler

This was followed by the information about their "college" again.

Do they have a course on using horrible grammar and staying as stupid as you are? Because Gary could teach that one.

[thoughtful]

Gary is on his "yo-yo" kick again, with some new, um . . . embellisments. Listen to the trueth, not Mr. arm pit, and try the Spirits!

Spoiler

 

[CTRLZero]

Mr. Arm Pit and I walked into a bar…

Was this some sort of weird auto correct?  Gary sometimes just makes my day, lol. 

[postscript]

He’s back! And, if that post is any indicator, in full Gary. 

“Mr arm pit” evokes delightful images of Gary making armpit noises to amuse his grandchild. It seems as if it would be about his maturity level. That one goes in the glossary. Thanks for the morning laugh, Gary. 

Sometimes I wonder if Gary tries some Spirits before he writes these posts. Perhaps Becky sneaks something extra into his weeny gravy. 

[thoughtful]

Who could "Mr. arm pit" be? I did some research.

There's this guy, but he never seems to talk, he just dances (I apologize for my incomplete research - I only watched a few videos):

https://www.tiktok.com/@mrarmpit24

Then there is this site, but it's Dr. Armpit, thank you very much, not a mere "Mr."

https://drarmpit.com/

All kidding aside, I don't think Gary even has the wit to come up with that stupid nickname for people he disdains. I suspect he got it from someone else - an 8-year-old, or a fellow preacher who thinks like one, most likely.

 

[waltraute]

"...every man a lie."

I have days where this feels particularly true.

[thoughtful]

Some comments under Gary's Mr. arm pit post:

Spoiler

Rodney, as always, has Confederate flags on his Facebook pictures, and posts in all caps. A charmer.

Chris mostly posts lists of bible verses about particular subjects, but also . . . this:

Spoiler

Do that research, Chris, and go outside of your usual sources, OK?

Also:

Spoiler

Right wing politics, meaningless capitalization of words, and treating older adults like children - right in character for one of Gary's buddies.

Interestingly, he also posted this:

Spoiler

It got positive comments from other Star Trek fans - I was braced for crap about how liberal the show was, and possibly something about George Takei being bound for hell. So that was a pleasant surprise (or they don't understand the show).

[thoughtful]

Gary, you're being a bore. We want original Garyisms!

There have been no new videos on his YouTube channel for two months. And, since he hasn't been posting his itinerary, I can't go find them on church Facebook pages either.

I may go back and recap one that I missed, at some point. But, if he's had gigs recently, I don't know where they were.

[thoughtful]

This is more like it, Gary.

Remember, everyone, Gary's ears isn't a garbage can.

[thoughtful]

What was that name again, Gary? I didn't quite catch it. Maybe some repetition would help.

Spoiler

Gary and God are into some kink.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

Gary posted a video about making mashed potatoes. Yes, you read that right - Gary, not Becky. In fact, he posted it twice.

I guess it's OK because it's a man on the video, and he sells the spices he's using, and he's wearing a camo hat, and it's labeled as being for Thanksgiving (the same holiday for which Gary deep fries turkeys), so it's somehow manly enough.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/852495562453549/?s=single_unit

I want to know if Gary tries this recipe, including the shopping, and what he makes of the word "fontina."

"Ah want some that fonda Tina  - no, fontanel - that ain't it - gimme some that phone it in cheese."

Oh, who am I kidding - he'll expect Becky to do all of the work, if he wants to try this recipe. His contribution will be to eat it, and, if he goes into the store, to give tracts to everyone who works there.

Also, Gary's gone back to one of his old profile pics:

 

Edited January 14, 2023 by thoughtful
adding something

[thoughtful]

Ladies, Gary and his commenters have us all figured out. And they know which woman is, still, years later, to blame. The jig is up.

Spoiler

 

All I can think of when I read shitty shit like this is the scene from Blazing Saddles:

Spoiler

 

 

[MayMay1123]

How, exactly, are we heathens getting rid of men? I, personally, like my husband and sons. Where do they come up with this goofy shit? 

[Alisamer]

On 1/14/2023 at 2:02 PM, thoughtful said:

I want to know if Gary tries this recipe, including the shopping, and what he makes of the word "fontina."

"Ah want some that fonda Tina  - no, fontanel - that ain't it - gimme some that phone it in cheese."

 

It'll be "fontana." I am 98% sure of it. That last 2% is because Gary might still manage to mangle it. 

Why? Fontana is a place in North Carolina. There's a dam, that makes a lake, and a little "village resort" there. 

I stayed there once in the 90's and it reminded me VERY much of Dirty Dancing - little old crackerbox houses you'd stay in, that looked like someone's grandma had decorated them. It's probably updated a bit now. But being from North Carolina Gary would certainly have heard and seen (and maybe even visited) "fontana" so that's what he'd probably say. 

[thoughtful]

More comments from Gary's buddies who think "they" (that would be us, I guess) are trying to get rid of men:

Spoiler

I love it when people who have one of those spouse-shared Facebook accounts comment to tsk-tsk  about sex and gender not being what their rigid, imagined olden days minds think they are. I know they share an account to keep an eye on one another, and work as a team (aka thinking of the woman as just a subordinate of the man), but it always looks like someone gender-fluid is commenting!

Bill Bonnie thinks it's sad that they are getting rid of men, eh? OK. 

[AverageGiraffe]

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Ladies, Gary and his commenters have us all figured out. And they know which woman is, still, years later, to blame. The jig is up.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

All I can think of when I read shitty shit like this is the scene from Blazing Saddles:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Of all the people "virtuous women" could be protesting, HRC hardly seems like the top contender.