Bro Gary Hawkins 21: Let's PRIASE the Lord

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Isn't there anything on TV these days that he objects to more than I Love Lucy?

I've only ever seen some clips but it wouldn't be the first show that comes to mind when I think of  wickedness, nekkidness and Satan's minions

I don't know if he thinks of I Love Lucy as wicked, so much as a show people want to get home to watch. He only mentions it in the context of wanting to move on and finish up - he never rants about it being immoral, like he does the Andy Griffith-Griffin Show.

He may be purposely using an out-of-date title in an attempt to be funny (as in, the subtext is "of course I know you won't be watching that - it went off the air decades ago, aren't  I funny haha").

Or, it's something he repeats because some old-time preacher used to say it, and it hasn't sunk in that it was only relevant back then.

He may be purposely using an out-of-date title to proudly show off how little he knows about what's on TV any more. If he cited a modern show, they'd know he knew about modern television, or even that people don't need to rush home to see a show, since there are all kinds of other ways to watch things now.

Or . . . who knows? It's Gary.

It would be funny to hear him say "Ah better hurry up - y'all need t'get home t'watch Nekkid and Skeered."

[thoughtful]

I was googling, trying to find out if Gary is posting anywhere, and this came up. Someone had some fun with the infamous "beat and the bump and the bam" moment.

 

[postscript]

Somehow the fact that he’s preaching from between an unmade bunk bed and a thermal cup (and that’s not the weirdest location he’s ever preached from) adds to the surreal nature of his little dance. Does he not realize how close his preaching movements are to interpretive dance? Even if he does, I’m sure he’s got some explanation of how the Lord moves him to move. Which then puts him perilously close to charismatic churches. 

I am still at a loss as to who he thinks is fornicatin’ on Andy Griffin and where the fornicatin’ takes place. Most of the dates seem to involve sitting on someone’s front porch or in a brightly lit parlor. 

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, postscript said:

I am still at a loss as to who he thinks is fornicatin’ on Andy Griffin and where the fornicatin’ takes place. Most of the dates seem to involve sitting on someone’s front porch or in a brightly lit parlor. 

Oh, he's said who - Barney (and Thelma Lou, I assume, although I don't remember if he said her name)! I think he just assumes they are. Why? Maybe because they kiss, maybe just because they're adults and dating for a long time, maybe he thinks the kissing "counts" as fornicatin', since they're not married.

Spoiler

Maybe it's the hot, lustful atmosphere of the duck pond.

Spoiler

 

As ever, who knows? It's Gary.

[AmazonGrace]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I was googling, trying to find out if Gary is posting anywhere, and this came up. Someone had some fun with the infamous "beat and the bump and the bam" moment.

 

If God didn't want us to move our body why did He give us muscles?

[Xan]

13 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

If God didn't want us to move our body why did He give us muscles?

I think moving to music is just a natural impulse.  You see toddlers bouncing around when they hear music and they do it even if the adults aren't moving.  To think it is somehow evil is just wrong.

[mango_fandango]

I’ve been re-reading old Bro Gary threads. Damn they were funny!! I’d love to go through them and do a summary/highlights post here. 

[postscript]

12 minutes ago, mango_fandango said:

I’ve been re-reading old Bro Gary threads. Damn they were funny!! I’d love to go through them and do a summary/highlights post here. 

I’ve been working off and on since summer on a Bro Gary glossary, along with some memorable quotes. The early threads are comedy gold. Unfortunately, I keep getting bogged down in the middle threads. 

[mango_fandango]

17 minutes ago, postscript said:

I’ve been working off and on since summer on a Bro Gary glossary, along with some memorable quotes. The early threads are comedy gold. Unfortunately, I keep getting bogged down in the middle threads. 

I love your avatar. Wonder what he’s thinking of? Extra tasty pink weens in ME?

[thoughtful]

18 hours ago, mango_fandango said:

I love your avatar. Wonder what he’s thinking of? Extra tasty pink weens in ME?

I can answer that! He was imitating people who think they're "it," as he puts it.

One of Gary's standard routines is to mock people he considers self-righteous (he claims they think they are without sin) - totally imaginary people, as far as I can tell.

His impression of how they act is very energetic, hyper-sweet and stereotypically feminine. He almost never seems to think they'd be quietly smug and supercilious.

I took some screenshots when recapping one iteration of it, and felt so honored when @postscript chose one for an avatar.

And yes, the cognitive dissonance and irony is mind-boggling, since Gary is one of the most self-righteous people on earth. But he says he knows he's a sinner, and often yells things like, "ain't nothin' 'bout me to brag on 'cept Jesus," "be holy, but not holier-than-thou," etc. So he's off the hook for this flaw, as far as he's concerned, and can enjoy mocking his imaginary super-sweet people.

[thoughtful]

Mike Stout died. So now Gary will add him to his list of people whose death becomes grist for his preaching mill, in addition to his usual disgusting routine about Mike's disabilities and how Gary was so glad he didn't have them, and hints about how Mike's wife doesn't like him (and vice versa).

[postscript]

On 12/15/2022 at 9:25 AM, thoughtful said:

I can answer that! He was imitating people who think they're "it," as he puts it.

One of Gary's standard routines is to mock people he considers self-righteous (he claims they think they are without sin) - totally imaginary people, as far as I can tell.

His impression of how they act is very energetic, hyper-sweet and stereotypically feminine. He almost never seems to think they'd be quietly smug and supercilious.

I took some screenshots when recapping one iteration of it, and felt so honored when @postscript chose one for an avatar.

And yes, the cognitive dissonance and irony is mind-boggling, since Gary is one of the most self-righteous people on earth. But he says he knows he's a sinner, and often yells things like, "ain't nothin' 'bout me to brag on 'cept Jesus," "be holy, but not holier-than-thou," etc. So he's off the hook for this flaw, as far as he's concerned, and can enjoy mocking his imaginary super-sweet people.

Gary is a one-man avatar generator. That session was comedy gold, but I have several shots of him saved in the unlikely event I ever get tired of my current avatar. I particularly like the one from that session in which he’s patting himself on the back with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. I also saved one from another session in which he looks like Jabba the Hutt. 

I follow a number of crochet channels on YouTube, including a couple run by male crocheters. One of them bears an unfortunate resemblance to Gary - same glasses, same hair and beard, but considerably less gut. However, I suspect he and Gary would not see eye to eye on most issues. 

[thoughtful]

Spoiler

 

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38

ETA - nothing new posted yet.

 

 

Edited December 25, 2022 by thoughtful

[griffin]

Oh Thank G*d, I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms

[Bluebirdbluebell]

On 12/20/2022 at 3:19 PM, thoughtful said:

Mike Stout died. So now Gary will add him to his list of people whose death becomes grist for his preaching mill, in addition to his usual disgusting routine about Mike's disabilities and how Gary was so glad he didn't have them, and hints about how Mike's wife doesn't like him (and vice versa).

Who is Michael Stout?

[postscript]

Thank you! I’ve checked periodically but couldn’t find anything. 

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Who is Michael Stout?

He was the pastor of a church Gary visited often. He and Gary seemed to adore one another, and his church was the one that invited the vile William Grady to speak

He had many health issues, about which Gary was his usual idiotic self in his messages. Over the years, I got the impression that Gary didn't like his wife, and that the feeling was mutual (she works - at a college, no less!).

This was the earliest post I could find that mentioned him:

And a search for "Brother Mike" turned up a lot, but I can't guarantee I found them all. Happy rabbit-hole exploring!

https://www.freejinger.org/search/?&q="Brother Mike"&page=2&quick=1&search_and_or=or&sortby=relevancy

[thoughtful]

For a while, I was wondering if Gary was even aware that his Facebook account is back in action, but now  . . .

Spoiler

 

He posted about their ersatz college:

Full text of the post from the college's account:

Quote

Greetings,

We are excited that you have an interest in the bachelor’s in bible program at King James Bible College. Let me take a moment ant tell you a little about us, we are Pastors and evangelists that believe that Bible is the absolute truth and foundation for all we do. It is what increases our faith (Romans 10:17). We believe that God did what he said he would do and preserved his word in complete, perfect, inspired form without error for all generations including our generation today. (Psalm 12:6-7)

With all the different versions out there today and the promise from God to preserve his word we believe that there is one perfect, complete, inspired version and that is the King James Version of the bible. If you so choose to pursue this course, which we hope you seriously pray about doing so, we want you to understand that all quizzes will be from the King James Bible as this will be important especially in the memory verses and the fill in the blank answers.

We also understand that there are many different views on the bible versions and are well aware of all the debates on this topic, we have chosen not to engage in these debates any longer, as they usually end up taking a large amount of time and many broken fellowships with other believers. We all have a job to do for the Lord and this college is designed for the everyday average person to be able to get deeper into the bible to put on that WHOLE Armour of God and to be able to stand against Satan and his forces.

This college is designed with the common folks in mind, anyone can do this course, there are no traditions, no English, Language, or history courses in these exams, they are straight from the bible, all questions are from the bible and all answers are in the bible. You may need an English dictionary from time to time.

There are 48 total courses covering all 66 books of the bible, once the 48 courses are completed the bachelor's degree will be issued if you are able to do one course a month in 4 years you will have your degree. You may do more than one a month if you want to get done sooner, or less than one a month, you work at your own pace

We are now accepting registrations and have begun sending out courses to those that are registered and paid. We have established this college and do operate under a board of directors. With that being said, if you do the sample course, and decide you want to pursue courses with this college please let us know and we will send you a registration form to hold your spot, Once the $30 registration fee, and $30 course fee (as all courses cost $30 and pre-paid,) YOU PAY AS YOU GO you will be emailed your first course. There is also a video overview of each course you receive that you can watch if you choose to do so, and there will be a board member/Professor available to answer your questions if you have any. Our web site will be up and running soon. As the staff and directors of King James Bible College are all volunteers all monies minus operating expenses are given to missions as decided by a meeting among the board of directors each quarter. All monies collected are to be paid through Venmo.

if you request the sample course you may work it, fill it out, and send it back if you choose, you may also just keep it, or if you want you can take a picture of it and email it back to us and we will grade it and you can see how you did. All feedback will be appreciated. Enjoy the course, Hide God’s word in your heart, and Seek God first.

You may, if you choose, to mail the sample back and will grade it also.

this program is a work at your own rate program

It is for anyone 16 and older, It is pay as you go, if you like

please email any and all comments or questions to:

kingjamesbiblecollege@gmail.com

You are loved

Pastor Chris Howe

King James Bible College

8918 State Route 90N

King Ferry, NY 13081

 

[thoughtful]

Whoever maintains the Facebook page for the "college" doesn't seem to realize that sometimes mixed feelings are best expressed by finishing one thought, then starting a new sentence.

 

ETA:

Spoiler

 

Edited January 2, 2023 by thoughtful

[Xan]

One of the puzzles of my life was watching the grieving at fundie funerals when I was a kid.  Even then I spotted the disconnect between all the talk about looking forward to heaven yet all the people dragging their feet about getting there.  There was so much fear of death.  My own mother wouldn't even talk about dying when she was in her 90's.  She kept saying she was going to make it to 100.  The only book the woman ever read all the way through was the Bible but I don't know if she believed a word of it.  So, they're so sorry that old Mike shuffled off but let us all cheer that he is now up there with Jesus.

These people...

Edited January 2, 2023 by Xan

[postscript]

18 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Whoever maintains the Facebook page for the "college" doesn't seem to realize that sometimes mixed feelings are best expressed by finishing one thought, then starting a new sentence.

 

ETA:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

They definitely aren’t teaching English grammar at that college. “College” should be capitalized, and it’s customary to end sentences with periods. A comma or two also wouldn’t come amiss. But of course you folks (as opposed to Bro Gary’s “OK folks”) already knew that. 

I was going to say that Bro wrote that, but sadly his grammar is even worse. 

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, postscript said:

I was going to say that Bro wrote that, but sadly his grammar is even worse. 

And there's no way Gary would volunteer to take care of the KJBC Facebook page - that's a responsibility, and Bro doesn't do responsibility.

I did figure out that the sermons posted on the KJBC Facebook page are from Bethel church in King Ferry, NY (the one with the round fenced platform for their grand piano). Perhaps their pastor is also being responsible for the Facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100083403125762

https://www.facebook.com/bethelindependentbaptist.net/

ETA - Bethel is also the church with the murals we thought were supposed to be the roads to heaven and hell:

Spoiler

 

 

Edited January 3, 2023 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

I last left Gary in the middle of the 10/10 tent service, at his parents' place. He said to go to Luke 10 real quick-like, and I was real slow-like. So I shall finish that one up.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+10%3A38-42&version=KJV

It's the Mary and Martha story. Gary reads with lots of errors, including saying "Martha received him into his house."

For once, he actually seems to be using the story for it's original intent - he says they should have the goal of focusing on Jesus.

Then he veers off into how things are worse than ever, but they're supposed to be, because it's the end times. One of his examples (from this man who just called Martha a man) is: "All of a sudden tranginder, which ahmanna be honest withya ah think ah figgered out where tranginder come from - it came from Halloween."

And he repeats his theory about how getting to dress up "how ya wanna dress up" is the cause of gender issues, and rants and shrieks about Halloween again for a while. That gets him to people not wanting to sacrifice anything to be Christian, and how services have to be short, not like they were in the days of Carl Lackey.

He's a bit juicy in his speech while screaming "you can only have an hour's service, an' you gotta be gone, you gotta be out, you gotta go home!" The captions hear it this way:

Spoiler

He complains that people at his revivals want to go home to get their children to bed, so they can get up for school. He got up for school when he was a child, he says, despite being up until very late for church and revivals.

That gets him going on how parents all spoil their kids and don't correct them. He got no allowance, and "Mah mama an' daddy wen' Christmas shoppin' on the 24th. Ah learnt better real quick-lahk, if ah don't got no money by the 24th, mah chil'ren ain't gittin' nothin' it don't matter t'me amen. Ah'll just make sure ah got money for the gran'chil'ren amen."

He yells about how, in the old days. at the restaurant after church, people would talk about what the preacher preached, but not anymore - now "they talkin' 'bout Ah Love Lucy."

No, Gary - no they're not. This makes it sound even more like you lifted this directly from a 1952 sermon you've listened to over and over!

He says Carl Lackey wouldn't have changed with the times, then "Ah tell the Lord once in a whahl, 'Lord, you shoulda just taken me on t'heaven with Carl Lackey, 'cause - ah'm not changin'.'"

Hey, Gary - go read Matthew 4:7

Spoiler

He gets pissy about not getting amens, and does his usual routine about needing to "amen" himself, then babbles something that is either about telling them they can get up and leave, but he wouldn't tell them to do it because they might take his truck, or that they cannot believe - the captions and I have differing opinions.

Sometimes I accuse myself of mocking a man who seems to have a stammer, but it really doesn't sound like a stammer, just like Gary is so insistent on never stopping the stream of sound coming out of his mouth that he just doesn't care what comes out.

Spoiler

 

 

Someone understands all of this, because a woman gives out a cackling laugh. So I may be right about the stealing his truck joke.

But who knows?

It's Gary.

More later.

 

 

Edited January 3, 2023 by thoughtful
riffle

[Dana723]

On 1/2/2023 at 5:04 PM, Xan said:

One of the puzzles of my life was watching the grieving at fundie funerals when I was a kid.  Even then I spotted the disconnect between all the talk about looking forward to heaven yet all the people dragging their feet about getting there.  There was so much fear of death.  My own mother wouldn't even talk about dying when she was in her 90's.  She kept saying she was going to make it to 100.  The only book the woman ever read all the way through was the Bible but I don't know if she believed a word of it.  So, they're so sorry that old Mike shuffled off but let us all cheer that he is now up there with Jesus.

These people...

As someone who grew up Fundie Lite and is now, I guess I'd be considered a bit of a more liberal Christian, death is still a hard thing to contemplate.  Yes, I believe my loved ones will be in Heaven but I still miss then on earth.  Yes, I want to go to Heaven, but I still have family and friends on earth I'm not ready to leave behind.  As a Christian, I can only hope some things will make sense when I get there.  But as long as I have my daughter here on earth, I am in no hurry to get there to find out.  Not sure if that's the case with these fundies, but it could be.

[thoughtful]

In the tent, in his parents' yard, on 10/10, Gary continues, asking us to "lookit First C'rinthians, chapter 4, verses 2."

KJV: Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.
Bro Gary version: Moreover it is requahrrred that a steward be found faithful.

"Ah tellya what we ought be have a gold - bein' faithful."

This message, in case you've forgotten in the month I let it lie fallow, was supposed to be about having goals, which Gary often pronounces as "gold."

He complains about churches reducing the number of weekly services, then, apropos of nothing he's just said, babbles:

"Ah do a two-week meetin' up in New York every year an ah - ah  was doin' ever'thing in mah power t'git him not to becaus'e ah'm  gonna be in New York a little less an' ah needed a few - ah needed an extra week which - that's OK an' ah even talked to a preacher today an' he just took a church 'at ah've been associated with for about four 'r fahve years an' now ah think he's gonna be the pasture of the church praise God an' he said 'Hey, brother Hawkins ah know you got a tent an' ah was wonderin' if it was any way  if we could fahnd somewhere up here an' put this tint up we wanna put it up for two weeks.' An' y'all think ah'm too mean t'git meetin's?"

Captions:

Spoiler

@samurai_sarah, may we please have Too Mean to Get Mittens as the next thread title?

What even prompted that whole spew, I have no idea, but he ends with a quietly smug "Ah'm bookin' 'em up." Then he goes right back to "Butchu know what, hey, faithfulness!"

He gets on the subject of people staying home to watch church on Facebook (or pretend to do so).

"Ah heard here out in New Mexico or somewhere that whenever they was doin' this onlahn schooling, that this one person found a picture of hisself, an' it was a recent picture, an' he put that picture in front of the computer where the teacher could see that face, an' he went an' done his own little _______ " (indecipherable sound - the captions think it's "DD").

Gary seems to be imagining someone setting a framed picture in front of their computer.

I suppose it's possible that more than one student tried replacing themselves with an onscreen image, although I suspect a still picture would be obvious pretty quickly. The only thing I found in a search was a 2020 story  about an adult politician, in Mexico, trying to do this to sneak out of a meeting, and getting caught quite easily:

Spoiler

After screaming about faithfulness being a thing of the past, and people not door-knocking any more, Gary says that he's not against sending letters out, but not in place of door-knocking. He's against that, he says, because God is. "He said t'go ye inta all the world."

After lots of familiar Garystuff, he declares, "If you don't got no enemies, you ain't got much of a ministry."

He shrieks about loving the sinner but not the sin, rattles off his version of the woman taken in adultery (hey, at least he remembers the point of that one), and the woman at the well who was "shackin' up" (as Gary puts it) with a guy after having five husbands. Then, all of a sudden:

"Listen hey, ah was preachin' at a church in Mexico - in New Mexico, an' if he's listenin' t'me tonaht a could keer less ah'm not ah don't even wanna go back t'his church ah wanna go ah only wanna go t'churches where God's welcome. He ain't welcome in a lotta churches. Amen?"

I have no idea who he is talking about, or what triggered this particular petulant outburst.

He wonders how many people would have revival with Jesus if he came back, and claims that "many of them wouldn't reckanahze him."

He says he may not finish his message, but it's OK because he's "just follerin' th'Lord," then tells a story about a man who asked to testify before Gary preached "in South Ca'olahna sometahm back in Decemberah this year."

Neat trick, considering that this video is from October. Come to think of it, the expression "back in December of this year" would not make sense in any context - once we're past December, it's not the same year any more. Maybe he meant the previous year. Or maybe he's time-traveling with Jesus again.

The man who asked to testify said that "if we could cut a hole open here an' we could git th'pits of hell an' we could see the flames we'd have people turnin' t'God."

Or, as the captions would have it:

Spoiler

"Ah preached mah message, went home, got inta bed, an' God says 'No, that's not true.'"

I hate it when God starts talking to me when I'm all settled into bed and ready to sleep, don't you?

Gary goes on (I don't know if he is still quoting God's bedtime chat at this point) to remind them of the rich man in hell, who said, "'Abraham, if you'd send some that's rose from the dead, they would repent.' What was the response of Abraham? 'They have Moses an' they have Elijah an' if they won't hear them they wouldn't hear them.' Ah don' remember the woman the woman 'at met Jesus when he first arose from the dead but here's what happened she thought Jesus was the gardener - didn't even recanahze him. Mary the mother of Jesus and Joseph the stepfather of Jesus, you know what? They went a day's journey they didn't recanahze - they didn't even realahze he left. Now today that would be chahld abuse you'd be locked up an' put in jail if y'done it. Ah'm just  sayin' hey, not a lotta people reckanahze Jesus anymore."

Oh, I guess he wandered back to the subject of people not recognizing Jesus. How Joseph and Mary not noticing he was not in their caravan fits in, I have no idea.

There are only 10 minutes left of this message, but, if Gary is going off-script and telling stories, I think I need to make that another post.

Later.