Jed Is Running for State House and Now He's Engaged

[Marionette]

1 hour ago, indianabones said:

I put "chose" in quotations because I'm assuming that she was pressured pretty heavily into fundamentalism by her parents. Her dad even wrote in the blog about how she really didn't want to be homeschooled or go along with a lot of it until they sent her to Journey to the Heart in 2013. From what she's written since then, it looks like she's in it pretty deep at this point. I don't think it's a phase.

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I will share some of my experience. Context: I grew up IFB from 5 years old (that’s young enough for it to be pretty much all I’ve known) and didn’t leave until I was 19. The church I attended from 5-14 was more focused on fundamentalist doctrine vs lifestyle, so women were allowed to wear pants, have a job, and go to college. Gender roles and purity culture were still heavily encouraged, though not on a Gothard level. We broke into IBLP/ATI by taking the Basic Seminar and going to Big Sandy when I was 14. Under spoiler cause it could get lengthy:
 

Spoiler

My dad started telling me that I had to wear skirts so that I would “fit in” and “be liked” by the Duggars & co. I have since realized that I was gaslighted into believing it was MY decision to go skirts-only, and it ended up being something I was all-in about (I’m not one to half-ass things). About two months after Big Sandy, I was reluctantly sent on a JTTH (where I met Katey), sponsored by the Duggars’ home church ($800 to be indoctrinated, anyone?). I came home believing that it was the best life-changing experience of my life, though in hindsight, I think I was traumatized by being personally interviewed by Gothard (yep!) and being taught a lot of batshit IBLP things that I had never heard of before (things about CCM being satanic, prayer “positions”??, the “one” God has for you based on your spiritual maturity, we were made to fast, almost forced to call parents to confess sin, etc.). I made friends that I kept in touch with on a regular basis for YEARS, and I was so isolated that I didn’t really have any other choice. 

My dad loved that I “chose” to go all-out fundie girl, but he used it against me a lot even though he was pushing me in that direction by pulling me out of school to homeschool me, taking us to Lighthouse Baptist Church, and making me read tons of IBLP literature that I just ate up. A lot of my “choice” was me trying to appease my father and survive. It took multiple scandals for me to realize that I didn't want that life (they struck a chord, having experienced sexual abuse and harassment myself and realizing it was WRONG and not my fault). The last time I went to Big Sandy, I remember sitting in a session led by the Pecans about finding “the one,” and they repeatedly said for guys to avoid girls who had bad relationships with their fathers. My relationship with my dad has always been rocky (I’ve since cut him off, btw), so I was tired of being told I would never be good enough for anyone.

I didn’t know how to get out, though. It turned into a huge game of pretend for about a year or two, when at 19, I finally moved out of town, bought some jeans, and got a job (scandalous x3!!!). People have made comments to me about how I used to be “SO dedicated.” I usually don’t know what to say other than I was vulnerable and just trying to survive. Fortunately, I didn’t end up in a relationship with a fundie boy. If I had gotten married at 18, I think I still would be stuck. It was hard enough to move out of my dad’s house, let alone leave fundamentalism and all the people I’ve ever known. The sad part of this story is that Katey and Jed going into a relationship before they have time to step away and examine fundamentalism and get some real-life experience (as bare minimum as getting a job and living on their own), I think it will take them longer to get out.... If they ever do.

If you’ve made it this far, I just want to thank you all on FreeJinger for being a space to help deconstruct all of this craziness I grew up in. Sometimes it’s hard to sort out my own experiences in my brain. 

32 minutes ago, Smee said:

I can relate to a lot of this. I do think after a while, commitment becomes more important than feelings - I’m not “in love” with my husband but we have a great partnership and friendship and similar values and are good co-parents to our three children, so I see my life as better with him than without. But I’m saying this after twelve years of marriage, with finances entangled and kids and our whole lives built together. I also recognise that I’m asexual and just because feelings aren’t a dealbreaker for me doesn’t mean it’s wrong for them to be a dealbreaker for others. To be arguing that you “don’t love” before even getting engaged makes me wonder if this is an arranged marriage, a one-way attraction (Jed crushing on her) that she is powerless to have an opinion on, or just a self-righteous attempt to be “better” than the “fickle” love she thinks she sees in the world. Her comment about wives divorcing their husbands shows a lack of understanding of adult relationships and the many complicated reasons they end.

I lean asexual (so I’m probably gray-ace), and I completely agree with you. While sexual attraction is less important to me, I still hope to find someone that shares my interests and that I love to be around. However, I know of several fundie couples who have admitted to not being attracted to the other AT ALL (maybe it was one-way attraction), but they all shout from the rooftops how GOD led them together, and it was never anything they would have chosen on their own. It’s a twisted way to get fundie brownie points and be miserable for the rest of your life (while you probably suppress any resentment you have towards your SO because #God). It’s sad to see Katey bragging about how she “doesn’t love,” and I think it could be a combo of both the relationship being arranged and self-righteousness. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

There are so many fundie families that married at least two kids to another family with two kids. The Duggars have 19 so I feel like it was going to happen eventually.

Bontrager/Bowers

Helferich/Bontrager

Helferich/Hardy

Smith/Morton

Buckingham/Hale

Hale/Rubio

Wilson/Weeks

Staddon/Frazer

Neely/Wilkes

And there could be a Wissmann /Duggar double match.

[Johannah]

It concerns me that Katey wrote that post so recently, clearly after she was already involved with Jed. It feels like a way to justify to herself why it’s “okay” and possibly even honorable for her to continue on in a relationship with someone she doesn’t love. I worry that she was pressured into this relationship beyond the level that most fundies are pressured into marriages. 

[AussieKrissy]

8 hours ago, Marionette said:

As far as I know it is for both.

Also yes, I was trying to confirm under the table, but not wanting to be the source. Sorry for the confusion! I am not sure why they are being so secretive about relationships these days. It made sense with Justin since he was underage. I know TLC is sometimes weird about the announcements, and it’s not something the Duggars or JB have control over. I remember several instances of courtships & pregnancies being announced to friends, but us being told to keep quiet because they weren’t allowed to announce yet (due to TLC). Not sure if TLC is controlling these announcements, or if they’re just trying to wait to see if they work out because of Josiah’s first courtship. Maybe Katey in particular doesn’t want to be in the public eye. No clue! 

do you know anything about the Lauren Caldwell broken engagement? I have to say that one interests me the most. Mainly because I am interested in what it takes to break up a "sure thing"

[kmachete14]

I also strongly believe love is a choice and an action that you choose to do everyday. Cs Lewis theology on love being a decision was read at my secular wedding. 
 

the difference is I don’t eschew emotion as well, and I don’t believe in submission. Sometimes choosing to love is hard, but it’s ok to admit you’re frustrated or sad or angry. Finally, cs Lewis says that FALLING IN LOVE and all the smushy and adrenaline and sexy feelings that go with it is what STARTS a relationship, but that the steadfast decision to love is what maintains it. 
 

it sounds like Katey just ignores all emotion and thinks she can just flip and switch and love whatever husband is arranged for her. Not surprising given the thoughts of Lori Alexander and other fundie ilk who believe any godly man and woman can marry indiscriminately. 

[Marionette]

7 minutes ago, AussieKrissy said:

do you know anything about the Lauren Caldwell broken engagement? I have to say that one interests me the most. Mainly because I am interested in what it takes to break up a "sure thing"

I feel weird saying so, just since I have no proof, but I can tell you what I *heard.* Rumors run rampant in these circles, but I was told by someone who is closer to the Caldwells than others, so hopefully it has a grain of truth. I was told that Lauren was reluctant to move forward with engagement in the first place, because she was uncomfortable or unsure about the guy. I got the impression that it was more than something like she didn’t want to move away from her family. I don’t remember if her parents advised her to “trust God” and move forward or if she downplayed her feelings to herself. As far as I know, the Caldwells have not been willing to talk about it and avoid the topic even with family friends. I agree with everyone that it’s weird that they made a PUBLIC announcement and refuse to address it. Makes me wonder....

I can for sure dispel the rumor that she is involved with a Duggar boy, at least at the moment. I have heard that Paul Caldwell would not let another Duggar marry his daughter.

[Ticklish]

5 minutes ago, Marionette said:

I feel weird saying so, just since I have no proof, but I can tell you what I *heard.* Rumors run rampant in these circles, but I was told by someone who is closer to the Caldwells than others, so hopefully it has a grain of truth. I was told that Lauren was reluctant to move forward with engagement in the first place, because she was uncomfortable or unsure about the guy. I got the impression that it was more than something like she didn’t want to move away from her family. I don’t remember if her parents advised her to “trust God” and move forward or if she downplayed her feelings to herself. As far as I know, the Caldwells have not been willing to talk about it and avoid the topic even with family friends. I agree with everyone that it’s weird that they made a PUBLIC announcement and refuse to address it. Makes me wonder....

I can for sure dispel the rumor that she is involved with a Duggar boy, at least at the moment. I have heard that Paul Caldwell would not let another Duggar marry his daughter.

Do you have any insight as to why Paul Caldwell wouldn't allow another Duggar into his family? I know the show and social media can all easily be faked, but they've always seemed pleased with Joe in what we're shown. 

[viii]

1 hour ago, irish_dancing_canadian said:

Could see it being Josiah and Lauren. Always found that match to be odd. Guess only time will tell. 

They're my first thought as well. There's just something about them that seems off to me, but I don't know them at all and don't see much interaction between them. 

1 hour ago, Johannah said:

It concerns me that Katey wrote that post so recently, clearly after she was already involved with Jed. It feels like a way to justify to herself why it’s “okay” and possibly even honorable for her to continue on in a relationship with someone she doesn’t love. I worry that she was pressured into this relationship beyond the level that most fundies are pressured into marriages. 

I agree with this so hard. This was written in November, so probably right around the time she started talking seriously about marriage with Jed. It sounds a lot like she's trying to convince herself she wants this. 

38 minutes ago, Marionette said:

I can for sure dispel the rumor that she is involved with a Duggar boy, at least at the moment. I have heard that Paul Caldwell would not let another Duggar marry his daughter.

OOOOOH GURL pls tell more. 

(Also, thank you so much for sharing some of your story. It can be hard to open up about our fundie pasts, and I appreciate the vulnerability) 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I can understand if Paul doesn’t want another daughter marrying a Duggar. Being in the spotlight must be we had ting. I wouldn’t want my kids to marry into a semi-famous reality tv family. One Duggar daughter probably feels like plenty. 

[SassyPants]

Maybe even Rev Caldwell thinks that 3 kids under three, and 3 kids at 22 IS ridiculous and IS reducing his daughter to broodmare status. Maybe Rev Caldwell has noticed that Joe tends to be a kid himself.

[QuiverFullofBooks]

My guess is that it’s nothing personal, just that the Caldwells might understandably not wish to be entirely sucked into the Duggar borg. 

[Marionette]

2 hours ago, Ticklish said:

Do you have any insight as to why Paul Caldwell wouldn't allow another Duggar into his family? I know the show and social media can all easily be faked, but they've always seemed pleased with Joe in what we're shown. 

I believe Paul & JB might have had some sort of falling out last year. As a result, the Caldwells supposedly moved off of JB’s property (they lived in the house behind the car lot) into a house Joe & Kendra were building for themselves. I do know that Lighthouse split in the early days of Covid, and that’s why Joy & Austin, the Pattons, and several other families have been pictured attending another church. I think there are a few Duggars that still attend LH (presumably Joe & Kendra and maybe Jason and James, but not for sure). 

1 hour ago, viii said:

OOOOOH GURL pls tell more. 

(Also, thank you so much for sharing some of your story. It can be hard to open up about our fundie pasts, and I appreciate the vulnerability) 

Thank you! I’ve only “officially” been out of fundamentalism and away from these people for a little over 2 years, so there is still so much I am learning about myself and my upbringing. I feel like it’s been a long road already, but thankfully I’ve been able to reflect A LOT during Covid isolation. 

[justmy2cents]

41 minutes ago, Marionette said:

I believe Paul & JB might have had some sort of falling out last year.

Interesting. Looks like they went to Justin's wedding in another state. Would they really go if they were on the outs?

[snickerz]

Four weddings...and a funeral? 

[anaandrade]

Apparently there might be 5 weddings in a span of 18 months. This is all the info I've been able to gather. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Justin and Claire - just happened

Jedidiah and Katey - the family hasn't said anything, but a lot of info has been leaked the last 24 hours. Wedding is supposed to be on April 3. Everything points to it being legitimate.

James and Sarra - there's a registry with a date of July 31st. Could be fake, but given the surprise with Jed and Katey, I'm not ruling it out and I'm keeping it in the back of my mind 

Jeremiah and Hannah - right now it's speculated to be just a courtship

Jana and Stephen - right now it's just a speculated courtship

Would anyone else be surprised if these are all true? After today, I wouldn't be. At this point I'm expecting a big multiple announcement to coincide with the announcement of the next season. All of this is just making wonder why there haven't been any official announcements. And it's just not the Duggars either. The Bateses still haven't officially announced Nathan and Lawson's relationships either (though I'm expecting these in the next month before the next season of BuB starts. If there's nothing, then idk)

 

[Naga Viper]

2 hours ago, snickerz said:

Four weddings...and a funeral? 

Well, I would hope not. If anything dies, let it be the show.

[CarrotCake]

12 hours ago, VineHeart137 said:

Do we think they'll care as much about the age thing with these two couples, particularly Jana and Steven? We're not talking about 18 year olds here like Justin. In the secular world most people wouldn't really bat an eye at a 27 year old man marrying a 31 year old woman. Is it a big deal for the fundie set for the wife to be older than the husband?

I agree.

We saw this setup for Jessa and Ben as well, but Ben was also only 19. So especially with Jana and Stephen it does not really matter as much.

Also, there are now 3 new couplenames that need to be discussed and decided on. We have some serious work to do.

 

 

[CaptainFunderpants]

9 hours ago, Smee said:

I can relate to a lot of this. I do think after a while, commitment becomes more important than feelings - I’m not “in love” with my husband but we have a great partnership and friendship and similar values and are good co-parents to our three children, so I see my life as better with him than without. But I’m saying this after twelve years of marriage, with finances entangled and kids and our whole lives built together. I also recognise that I’m asexual and just because feelings aren’t a dealbreaker for me doesn’t mean it’s wrong for them to be a dealbreaker for others. To be arguing that you “don’t love” before even getting engaged makes me wonder if this is an arranged marriage, a one-way attraction (Jed crushing on her) that she is powerless to have an opinion on, or just a self-righteous attempt to be “better” than the “fickle” love she thinks she sees in the world. Her comment about wives divorcing their husbands shows a lack of understanding of adult relationships and the many complicated reasons they end.

I would say not even after a while.

To me personally, love in a marriage seems very frivolous. On the one hand, I'm kind of jealous for those that fall in love quickly and have these romances, but... It's never been my style. I've never been looking to fall in love, I don't know that I would ever say that I've been in love with a partner; I seem to max out at "in like."

Maybe partly though, because I do love easily and deeply as a sister. I'm incredibly maternal and very nurturing. I've chronically been in marriage-type relationships and am a very wifely person, but to me love is way too whimsical to be practical longterm.

Longterm what you want is commitment, dedication, and steadfastness. And that's been my opinion on it from the beginning, entering into relationships. That we were testing our compatibility to work and problem solve together long term.

Still, a prof once remarked that I'm the most unromantic person he's ever met, so... I'm probably way off on this. Like ended up in Honolulu whilst meaning to go to Harlem levels of off.

[AussieKrissy]

2 hours ago, Naga Viper said:

Well, I would hope not. If anything dies, let it be the show.

Your words to god’s ears. 

[CarrotCake]

For Katey and her vision of 'Love', I do wonder. It could be that she is indeed not a person to love, she might be even aromantic. But changes are higher that she just has not experienced love before. I wonder what will happen if sometime in the future she does fall in love with someone (most likely not Jed). At least with most of these couples, they seem in love when they get married. Although being 'in love' is different than 'love somebody', it is a better base for a relationship than no love at all. 

[Bluebirdbluebell]

Who is Sarra? I've never heard of her. If we know who she is, it's probably real. She's not a particularly well-known fundie, like Lauren Caldwell. 

If we don't know, it might be a fake. Also possible the James Duggar there is a different James Duggar. 

 

[Italiangirl]

Since I am a curious monkey and wanted to know more about the potential couple I have gone to give another look at the Amazon registry under their name and the list has been updated there are definitely more things listed now, and a quick search brought up also an open (as in not password protected)Zola registry with the same date...I don't know what to do with this info but you know last time I was convinced for good that it was a fake one and then it turned out to be a real deal so...

[Marionette]

8 hours ago, justmy2cents said:

Interesting. Looks like they went to Justin's wedding in another state. Would they really go if they were on the outs?

It’s completely possible that they have made amends since then (it’s been almost a year), or that they just put on a face in front of everyone else. I’m pretty sure JB no longer attends Lighthouse. Also, I don’t think Paul was ever on the outs with the entire Duggar family, just with JB. Who knows... 

[justmy2cents]

4 minutes ago, Marionette said:

It’s completely possible that they have made amends since then (it’s been almost a year), or that they just put on a face in front of everyone else. I’m pretty sure JB no longer attends Lighthouse. Also, I don’t think Paul was ever on the outs with the entire Duggar family, just with JB. Who knows... 

maybe JB didn’t pay him for appearances on the show.

 

[QuiverFullofBooks]

7 minutes ago, justmy2cents said:

maybe JB didn’t pay him for appearances on the show.

 

That would have blown up a long time ago. Given the timing, it could have to do with Covid itself (different opinions about precautions), or, more likely with JB, the pandemic affected his business and he cut back on his tithe to the church or personal support of the Caldwells.