Dillards 76: Somewhat successful social media?!?

[FluffySnowball]

16 minutes ago, VBOY9977 said:

Jill just made a blog post about ways to love your husband. It’s weird tbh, as expected. And It kinda reminded me of something Lori would write.

I mean....

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Oh no no no. Being “up for fun whenever he is” is the exact same sentiment Michelle always preaches. And to kiss for six seconds? I never timed my kisses so I guess I’m doing something wrong... sure hubby will be happy to see me standing by the door with the timer next time he comes or leaves. Adds to the romance, you know... 

These people seem to always succeed at turning perfectly fine ideas (enjoying a healthy sex life together, being affectionate in one’s every day life, etc.) into some creepy nonsense. 

[TZmom]

19 minutes ago, VBOY9977 said:

Jill just made a blog post about ways to love your husband. It’s weird tbh, as expected. And It kinda reminded me of something Lori would write.

I mean....

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I just read this.  The things that are not weird are pretty generic. Everything else seems time-consuming and not really all that helpful.

It did make me think far too much about Jill and Derick having sex, which is definitely not what I needed first thing in the morning. 

I have many things to critique  about this but my brain is not into it this morning, and I'm sure you're all thinking the same things anyway

[Marly]

Well, at least she says "If you're struggling with sex with your spouse, GET HELP! See a doctor and/or licensed counselor and don't be afraid to get second opinions!". That's a lot better than Lori Alexander's 10 minutes and lube advise.
However, earlier on in the same paragraph she also says "Let your spouse know that you're always available". To always be available is not healthy advise. That is patriarchal fundie bullshit. Much healthier would be: "Let your spouse know when you're available (aka in the mood)". It is unlikely that one is always available, and brainwashing women to think they have to always be sexually available to their husband is wrong. You don't always have to have sex when your husband/partner/sex buddy wants sex. It has to be consensual. Your wants matter too!!!
But I do think communicating your wants and needs is an important part of a healthy relationship, and letting your partner know when you're in the mood, rather than "always be in the mood", is perfectly fine.

Edited June 3, 2019 by Marly

[DillyDally]

My "favourite" part of that post is where she refers to Bible passages to justify changing things up in the bedroom... ?

Spoiler

 

[CTRLZero]

Not sure how I feel about the juxtaposition of "Remember, your husband is not your dad" and "Have sex often."

[xenobia]

54 minutes ago, FluffySnowball said:

These people seem to always succeed at turning perfectly fine ideas (enjoying a healthy sex life together, being affectionate in one’s every day life, etc.) into some creepy nonsense. 

Exactly this. And Jill would be VERY worried about me and my spouse if I would write down some of our "house rules". (We don't actually have them written down, but still). Some examples: 

1. It's perfectly okay to not communicate with your spouse every minute of the day. Both me and him are out of town because of work now and then. We usually say goodnight on Messenger, but that's about it. If I sent him text messages during the day (every day), called him "sweet nicknames and things like that, he would ask if I was feeling alright. We're not siamese twins, we're just married. 

2. I'm not always joyfully available. Neither is he. That's perfectly fine, and - dare I say  - even normal.

[bal maiden]

I’m going to guess from the several mentions of counseling that they may have done some together - and good for them! Also glad to see she is telling people to leave abusive relationships, rather than stay (the bar is pretty low here...). But I feel enormously sad that she is so tired in the evenings that she’s having to drink extra coffee to stay awake to hear Derick talk about whatever shit he wants too. Mothering small children is exhausting, especially if you’re breastfeeding at night. She should get to go to bed when she’s tired, FFS! 

 

Oh, and the bit about not asking your husband permission  to do stuff, as you would do with your father, also makes me sad for her restrictive upbringing.

Edited June 3, 2019 by bal maiden

[fluffernutter]

This one disturbed me: "Be careful not to develop an entitlement mindset, e.g. “I deserve you...” What the hell is wrong with having a healthy enough self-esteem to be deserving of your spouse? So we are supposed to act like we don't deserve our spouse? Am I reading that wrong?

[Beermeet]

On 5/30/2019 at 1:07 PM, Georgiana said:

I would totally wear the top Jill has on.  I would wear the heck out of that thing, and I would probably fit it on myself similarly to how Jill is wearing it (so I wouldn't go down a size).  Looks like a great running errands/doing chores/playing with toddlers shirt.  

But I would personally pair it with something more fitted on bottom.  While doable, it's just really hard to pull off a look with all loose-fitting clothing.  Pairing opposing fits is much easier to pull off.  

That being said, I don't think this look is terrible.  It's a pretty casual shirt, and Jill's look is pretty casual.  I think most people would pair this shirt with a well-loved/comfy pair of pants or shorts anyway, so it makes sense to see it with a pair of shorts Jill frequently wears.  

I feel the same way! I want that shirt!!!  I love loose and comfy.  I'd pair it with either dark blue leggings or go hippie with very loose above ankle tan or dark blue pants. I really love that shirt. It works with all kinds of bottoms, imo. 

[bella8050]

Well Jill's got this one down :

Spoiler

-Expectations: Be careful not to develop an entitlement mindset, e.g. “I deserve you,” or overlook things he does because, “Well, that’s just something a good husband is supposed to do.” Always be grateful and look for ways to praise him directly and in front of others! 

I do think letting someone know you appreciate what they do for you, even something simple like when they bring you chocolate milk, is important but no that does not need to be said in front of others.  

Lots of the things she says I swear I've seen on social media of people posting clipping of women's magazine articles on marriage in the 1950's, as a wtf kinda thing, like dressing up for him and meeting him at the door when he gets home. 

Spoiler

-When he leaves and comes, be the last thing he remembers and the first person he sees when he gets home…run to him (like you may have done when you were first dating). And if the kids are gone, have fun with it! Be crazy with your hubby! If your kids are there, get them excited about daddy coming home and make sure distractions are put away for a bit, so everyone greets him at the door! Stop whatever you’re doing at the time when he arrives!

Does this mean Jill does the run and jump into Derick's arms like they do on The Bachelor?

ETA, found one of the clippings I was thinking of:

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2019 by bella8050
typos and ETA

[Georgiana]

It would be much better advice if instead of "always be available" she said "communicate with your spouse/partner on things they can do to put you in the mood or help you be available".  Because no, no one is always available.  That's not a healthy expectation.  At all.  And quite honestly, being always available to Jim Bob directly contributed to Michelle's laundry room melt down.  If she had allowed the stress to be expressed, especially in her libido, they likely would have noticed she was getting overwhelmed BEFORE she hit her crisis point and they would have had an incentive to get her the help she needed BEFORE she melted down.  

But by communicating with your partner, not only do you allow them to help you, but you make sure that stresses and issues that are coming between you are verbalized.  Also, you give them the ability to make you feel loved and sexy.  And that's an important way to allow them to nurture the relationship.  I've never known a man who didn't want to seduce his partner every now and again...even if it was by cooking dinner AND doing the dishes.  

[Eponine]

47 minutes ago, fluffernutter said:

This one disturbed me: "Be careful not to develop an entitlement mindset, e.g. “I deserve you...” What the hell is wrong with having a healthy enough self-esteem to be deserving of your spouse? So we are supposed to act like we don't deserve our spouse? Am I reading that wrong?

I'm not sure which direction Jill is actually going here, but some people have an issue with feeling entitled to their partner - their time, their attention, affection, sex whenever they want, etc. That type of mindset can lead to abusive behavior when their partner doesn't act the way they want them to. In the extreme it leads to issues like incels have, where they feel entitled to have a partner, period.

There's a difference between that and having enough self-esteem and self-respect to know that one is deserving of their partner's affection, though. I could read that either way, but if she is referring to a harmful attitude of entitlement, I think that's a fair enough message.

Edited June 3, 2019 by Eponine
words are hard :(

[Bazinga]

Anyone else catch the, you can have fun and make yourself available in other ways if you can't have sex for a period of time (aka. monthly cycle/just had a baby). Am I dirty minded or am I not the only one reading into this as oral or hand play? If so, I find this to be dangerous thinking and old school thoughts of her upbringing. I can't have sex, so I have to pleasure my husband if he's horny and I'm not? If a person in this situation is in the mood and willing to give to their husband (or whomever), then yes, go for it! But making a woman feel like she had to, because it's dangerous to let one fulfill sexual desires individually is wrong. Girls if you don't want sex or don't want to perform sexual acts just don't do it. Our men need to learn a little self control too.

[lizzybee]

I was kinda pleased she talked about not feeling like she ought to have his permission for everything and her saying he would appreciate her being her own person/an adult who can govern themselves. I took that to mean she had to learn that and that Derick is promoting her being independent and not expecting her to let him know when she comes and goes and spends money or makes plans with people. I like knowing that their marriage is like that and not restrictive in that way at least. 

I didn’t need to think about them having so much sex and her dressing up in lingerie for Derick though. I wish I could unknow that. 

[Bad Wolf]

Burt Bacharach, Wives and Lovers. Always hated that song.

[freethemall]

I'm glad she posted this crap, it reminds us that you can have a nose ring and wear pants but it doesn't change your shitty patriarchal beliefs. 

But also, what the fuckity fuck?

[Georgiana]

It's a real big fundie thing to have the kids and wife all run to the door to greet dad when he comes home.  Pris Waller used to stress out about it too when Paul was a toddler and not too into it because even toddlers know that's weird.  It's a symptom, I think, of raising men to believe they are the sun around which women and children orbit.  They need constant attention and confirmation that everyone's world revolves around them, like mini fundie Louis XIVs, or their fragile egos might collapse.  The women and children, on the other hand, are required to go way above and beyond for them because if he strays and she is not utterly beyond reproach, it's her fault.  

I'd be creeped out if people always were waiting around to come run to me at the door.  Like, what are they doing all day?  I mean, it's great to get a nice greeting when people are free, but I would expect that most times they wouldn't be sitting around waiting for me to come home.  They'd be doing their own things.  

I never greeted my dad at the door because that's when Inspector Gadget was on.  So instead, he'd come in and watch a few moments of Inspector Gadget with me.  It became his home from work, de-stress ritual, and it's a fond memory I have.  Would I feel fondly about it if I had been forced to miss Inspector Gadget to greet my dad every night?  No.  I would have resented that. 

[Sullie06]

2 hours ago, DillyDally said:

My "favourite" part of that post is where she refers to Bible passages to justify changing things up in the bedroom... ?

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3-4 times a week..... seems time consuming. I love my husband but between children, full time jobs, dance, soccer, baseball, and life in general were lucky to have a complete conversation some days.  I would hate to have to live by this standard that we have to have sex 3-4 times a week or he might start self pleasuring or whatever bullshit they call it. Thank You, Next!

[FleeJanaFree]

I felt sick reading some of that advice. She has a skewed perception of what a healthy relationship is. Clingyness is not attractive to me at all.

[nickelodeon]

2 hours ago, DillyDally said:

My "favourite" part of that post is where she refers to Bible passages to justify changing things up in the bedroom... ?

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The verses in question, BTW (King James ver only!!!):

Quote

3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Quote

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

~sexy~

[HarleyQuinn]

Her advise can be summed up with "be a sex doll for husband and don't forget to blow his ego while you're at it too."

[bella8050]

Of course Cathy had to chime in on the IG comments. Waiting for Derick's How To Love Your Wife follow up. Hope he does write one.

[Georgiana]

31 minutes ago, lizzybee said:

I was kinda pleased she talked about not feeling like she ought to have his permission for everything and her saying he would appreciate her being her own person/an adult who can govern themselves. I took that to mean she had to learn that and that Derick is promoting her being independent and not expecting her to let him know when she comes and goes and spends money or makes plans with people. I like knowing that their marriage is like that and not restrictive in that way at least. 

I didn’t need to think about them having so much sex and her dressing up in lingerie for Derick though. I wish I could unknow that. 

A lot of us suspected that was a real issue early on in their marriage, and based on what Jill's written, I think that's the case.  It's really no wonder she couldn't function in a foreign country when she wasn't even ready to function as an adult in her marriage.  It was likely too much too fast: Jill hadn't yet learned to be her own person, Derick wasn't in a situation where he had the time to provide the babysitting she needed, and faced with the additional challenges of being in a foreign country AND having to provide her own direction for the first time, Jill collapsed a bit under the load.  

2 minutes ago, Sullie06 said:

3-4 times a week..... seems time consuming. I love my husband but between children, full time jobs, dance, soccer, baseball, and life in general were lucky to have a complete conversation some days.  I would hate to have to live by this standard that we have to have sex 3-4 times a week or he might start self pleasuring or whatever bullshit they call it. Thank You, Next!

And what's wrong with that anyway?  It's not like it's cheating!   I mean, if I'm "joyfully and immediately available", openly jonesin for some sweet fellowship, and they turn me down to do it themselves all the time, that's one thing.  But there's definitely a healthy and hot place for that even in a highly available partnership.  

[xenobia]

13 minutes ago, Georgiana said:

It's a real big fundie thing to have the kids and wife all run to the door to greet dad when he comes home.  

 

We have two cats, so I've got the "greet him at the door"-chore permanently and successfully outsourced. 

[SassyPants]

Yes, Jill, get back to me in 35 years when you’re both old, tired, depleted on hormones and navigating all the other obstacles that old age brings. These people are just not prepared for life in the real world. Jill needs a hobby or better yet, a job.