Where in the World is Doug Phillips (Who is a Tool)? Part 10

[nausicaa]

3 hours ago, Marian the Librarian said:

Well, I have nothing new on Dougie, but here's Beall's latest post on her IG account (spoiler: she'd like enough money to pay for a professional haircut):

Beall has to scrimp and save to buy a backpack at Ross? My, how times have changed. And even a $50 haircut is on a "someday" wish list?

Does she post these things to get people to give her money or do you guys think money is really this tight? When money was really tight for me, I didn't really want to talk about it. 

[DomWackTroll]

2 hours ago, nausicaa said:

Does she post these things to get people to give her money or do you guys think money is really this tight?

She posts these things so that people will think, "Wow, Doug's an even shittier husband than I thought!" 

[VVV]

7 hours ago, nausicaa said:

Beall has to scrimp and save to buy a backpack at Ross? My, how times have changed. And even a $50 haircut is on a "someday" wish list?

Does she post these things to get people to give her money or do you guys think money is really this tight? When money was really tight for me, I didn't really want to talk about it. 

Yeah, but Beall is used to a grifting lifestyle. It had worked so well in the past.

[thoughtful]

Continuing the escape --

Barbara, Marie, David (played by John Telfer) and Owen (played by Brett Harris) run through the forest. Hannawoa follows (I guess nobody's guarding all of those precious children and elders).

The boys use the skills the men of the tribe taught them to know which way to go, and to hide their tracks. Brett does hard things (sorry, couldn't resist). He tells them, with a slight British accent, that they are going east, since moss grows on the north side of a tree.

They drag a split branch down to the water, put it in, go in with it, and . . . the scene changes, leaving us with no idea what that was about. They hide from a bunch of Native men running by. They walk backwards to create a false trail for Hannawoa

Movie cliche alert! Hannawoa catches a fish with his bare hands. He takes a very angry bite out of it, and chews it, looking -- you guessed it -- pissed:
 

Spoiler

The runaways eat something they shot with a gun and cooked over a fire, like the civilized white folks they are. Hannawoa finds their extinguished fire, still hot, realizes he is catching up to them, and finally gets to smile:

Spoiler

Then he smears the still-hot charcoal on his face, so that's the end of the smile:
 

Spoiler

The runaways, who have been in and out of bodies of water - deep, fast-moving, wide, you name it -- since they first left, come to this lovely, peaceful, narrow bit of water:

 

Spoiler

 

and decide they must take the time to build a raft now.

We see them hacking at branches (apparently, someone packed an axe), lashing together logs, and a split-second of them setting off on their raft. Hannawoa finds the remains of their boat-building project. Then we see him at night, bellowing (in rage? In triumph? Who knows?) at the moon, which still seems to be full, although it's days later. 

The escapees are back on foot (after taking all that time, letting Hannawoa come closer, to build the freakin' raft? We barely got to see the raft!). They climb some beautiful rocks, knock leaves off of a ledge to make Hannawoa think they went over it, then they go under it -- very pretty waterfall over the rocks. And then they encounter . . .

a bear!

 

Spoiler

 

Owen shoots the bear, and immediately runs toward it. The bear claws his leg (that Vision Forum wide stance did you in, kid!):

 

Spoiler

David chases the bear off by brandishing the axe, and he and the girls make a tourniquet for Owen. Owen insists they must keep moving. The bear attack has made his English accent stronger, as bear attacks do.

Hannawoa falls for the moved-leaves ruse and goes the wrong way. And we see the escapees in water again, approaching some rapids, riding on something. A single log? Did the raft magically reappear? We don't see much of whatever it is, just one log, since they are soon in the water, floundering around.

 

Spoiler

 

Hannawoa is back at the waterfall over the ledge, and has figured out that the moved leaves faked him out. He goes under the waterfall. Back to the escapees, who drag themselves out of the water and find out that the last of their gunpowder got wet.

Do you have whiplash from all of this back and forth yet?

Hannawoa encounters Galasko and some other men in the woods, and asks if they'd taken the fort already.  Galasko answers "The French had gone back to Canada - we were the only ones to fight." So . . . you turned around? You won the battle without the French? I guess we need to google that.

Galasko asks Hannawoa why he is there. H explains that Susquehanna and three others have escaped, and G looks sad as he says "Susquehanna?"

 

Spoiler

Yeah, dude, she chose God over you. Life is rough.

[thoughtful]

More AYNA:

Galasko says "I go with you." Of course, Hannawoa gets pissed off, and says "I need no help from children (you really have to get over the sibling rivalry shit, H -- it's very unbecoming in a grown man)!"

H runs off, and G tells the men with him "I go bring back what is mine." One of them answers "Hannawoa will be angry," and G says "He is always angry."

Really? I hadn't noticed! ?

More back-and-forth - the escapees running over pretty rocks (or ledges, if you prefer!), Hannawoa running, Galasko running, the escapees drinking water, H running, G running, etc.

Galasko catches up to Hannawoa, at the pretty ledge-rocks.

He says he will help him. H says "Susquehanna must burn! You'd come save her again!"

G insists they must hurry because they are near the fort, and H bellows something I couldn't catch in its entirety, despite several tries, but it starts with "You would steal my honor again!" and ends with "  . . .a father who would make you chief," so it's clearly the sibling rivalry rearing its ugly head yet again.

G, clearly hurt (and looking a bit surprised -- really? Have you met your brother?), says "No," and that's his last word. Not just on the subject -- that's his last word. He turns away from H (big mistake), and H kills him with an axe blow (I guess everyone carries an axe. Come to think of it, maybe they are supposed to be tomahawks).

I guess Hannawoa didn't get over that sibling rivalry shit.

H stands over his brother's body and does that bellowing thing again, then takes G's weapons (enraged, but practical!) and continues on after the escapees.

 

[FeministShrew]

Well, that conveniently solved Barbara's dilemma. Can't change her mind & marry the cute heathen if he's dead.
In one of my former churches, they'd use that as a teaching moment to claim God used H to kill G, because G was a stumbling block to Good Christian Girl Barbie.

I want an instant pot, too, though I'll pass on the mustard backpack. (I prefer my Bag of Holding from ThinkGeek.) It's time to get my hair done again, too.
Off to start my go-to-me-fund!
 

[thoughtful]

AYNA, continued:

The escapees come to a clearing in the woods, and see:

 

Spoiler

Marie exclaims "Redcoats! We're here (and I am deeply disappointed that they don't start singing  " . . . because we're here, because we're here . . . " These kids today   )!"

They bound happily down towards the water.

Subtitle: Fort Pitt

We go to the POV of the soldiers in the fort, as they try to decide whether these four people are white or Native, and whether or not to shoot them.

The escapees yell something that sounds like it ends with "We're very hungry, and not Injun."

One soldier says, in a Southern US drawl almost as thick as Jill's in her KittyKat video (granted, he's not in a British uniform, but I sorta doubt that accent, which grew gradually, already existed then - historians, help me out), "It's just an Indian ambush. I'll shoot the big Indian on the right." Then, to the man next to him "Shoot his woman."

Another movie cliche -- close-up of a finger on a trigger, beginning to squeeze . . .

A redcoat tells them to hold their fire. Whew!

The redcoat looks through his telescope, and so do we!

Spoiler

My brain went here:

Spoiler

 

And here:

Spoiler

Back from the 1960s to the 17 . . . um, due to that "many years later" title, we're not sure -- late 1760s, maybe?

Southern guy says "These savages killed my brother and his whole family," and we get another closeup of his finger squeezing the trigger (gotta milk those cliches). The redcoat stops him again and says "I'll report this to Colonel Mercer."

Colonel Mercer, played by . . . you know who! Here's another musical blast from the past:

Spoiler

 

 

 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, FeministShrew said:

Good Christian Girl Barbie

Paging Mattell -- you are missing a market here!

[smittykins]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Colonel Mercer, played by . . . you know who! Here's another musical blast from the past:

   Reveal hidden contents

 

 

OT, but I still can’t hear that song without thinking “ketchup.” 

[thoughtful]

AYNA recap continues:

The redcoat tells Mercer that he has the same suspicions as the men at the fort wall -- that the four people on the opposite shore are part of an Indian ambush, there to fool them. He has a whattheheckisit accent (Lily von Shtup by way of Paris?), and ends with "It must be a tkhwap."

We hear Douglas Phillips Esq.'s melodious voice and fake English accent (and he hasn't even been bitten by a bear . . . that we know of ? ?? ??) as we look at his back:

Spoiler

The camera comes around to face him as he says, "Sahgeant Mueller, prepaha a long boat, and take a lahnding pahrty  with Captain Thomas. Do NOT go ashaw unless you ah cehtain theh is no ambush."

I cannot convey just how bad, how wouldn't-get-cast-in-community-theater bad his acting is. I just want to screenshot every one of Doug's smug expressions, but I will try to control myself. Here are a few:

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

He exchanges a curt nod (Kurt Nodd -- I believe he is in this regiment! ) with each man. Mueller and Thomas leave.

We see the redcoats in the boat. The following conversation is mostly yelling, since they keep the boat at a distance from the four on the shore. Owen bellows that they escaped the Delaware Indians, and adds "We'ah vewwy hungwy, and I'm injuhed."

Oh, that's what he was saying in that earlier scene -- "we're very hungry and I'm injured." I guess nobody wrote any dialog for the leaping and waving Monkees/Beatles scene, so they just used the script from this one. Beats natter natter grommish grommish, I guess.

They beg the soldiers to save them, and are told "We will save you in the morning, when we're certain of no ambush." Bet they'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, too.

The boat turns away, and, among the begging of the four escapees, we hear Barbara call out "Nein . . . (something I didn't catch) . . . Bitte!" Owen yells at her to speak English, but she continues in German.

Thomas quietly asks Mueller, "Sergeant, was that German?" Oh, maybe Mueller's accent is supposed to be German!

 He says, "Ja, perfect German. 'Save us, save us, take us to the fort,' they're saying."

Barbara cries out in German again:

Spoiler

Kelly  looks pretty genuine here -- it may be the best acting she does in the film. I suspect her motivation was "Please let me get cleaned up and out of this farkakte wig." How do you say that in German?

Thomas yells "Let's go!" Somehow, the men know he means to go toward the escapees, not back to the fort. ESP is strong among redcoats, apparently.

We see Hannawoa running through the forest, then we go back to the four on the shore.

David yells (about the boat full of soldiers), "Look -- they're coming back!"

Spoiler

Why is he looking and pointing up? Physics is not my strong suit, but I don't think the water can be higher than the bank.

Hannawoa gets to the top of the hill above the bank, as the boat gets to the shore. The music is ominous, the soldiers are wary. Barbara throws herself into Captain Thomas' arms to thank him (or maybe because he's cute and the highest-ranking officer -- seems to be her type):

Spoiler

 

From the top of the hill, we see Hannawoa raise his (well, his brother's) rifle, and shoot . . .

 

Edited September 28, 2019 by thoughtful
Doug escaped from a spoiler! Bad Doug!

[thoughtful]

More AYNA:

There are many things about the badness of this movie that I cannot capture in words. The next two sounds we hear are included in that list.

From Hannawoa's gunshot, after a split-second of silence, there ensues the loudest, slowest, fly-trapped-at-the-window (but with doppler) gunshot sound effect I have ever heard, then a thwack as it makes contact. A soldier falls.

Owen says "Hannawoa." Barbara tosses Owen a tomahawk. Hannawoa clangs the heads of his two tomahawks together, gives a whoop, and runs down the hill. Owen runs toward him.

There is a line of armed soldiers between them, who take a while to react, but they do eventually start shooting at Hannawoa. They all miss (and he's not even serpentining!).

He quickly dispatches three soldiers who attempt to bayonet him, flips and/or punches Owen and David.  The Captain wings him, but he keeps coming, and knocks him out. Barbara takes the Captain's gun, and shoots Hannawoa at close range, just as he is about to bring the tomahawk down on her (see, all girls should learn how to shoot a gun, from Papa, at the dinner table! Some continuity, at last!). One of the soldiers bayonets him, for good measure.

Hannawoa, the Energizer Bunny of both sibling rivalry and movie Indian stereotypes, is finally dead.

In case you missed the movie cliche, the villian makes it through a gauntlet of attacks from minor characters, because he must be killed by the hero. Hey, at least it was a female hero -- that's downright progressive, for these filmmakers.

Owen limps over, hands Barbara a tomahawk, and says "It's Galasko's." She looks sad. Maybe she'd been thinking of going back to him, now that their in-law problem was solved.

The Captain asks "Who was this?" Barbara answers that he was the son of the great chief, brother of Galasko (Barbara looks sad). Owen adds that he'd chased them 200 miles.

Marie puts her arm around Barbara, and they look sad.

[thoughtful]

More AYNA recap:

The soldiers bring the escapees through the main gate of the fort, with lots of shouting and running around going on. The wounded are taken to be cared for.

Captain Thomas introduces the four to Colonel Mercer. Oh, look -- Dougie put his hat on to come outdoors:
 

Spoiler

 

We have a Battle of the Bad Bear-Bitten British Accents as Owen tells Mercer they have run a long way and are starving, and Mercer instructs Thomas to get them "as much food as they can eat. We shall tawk of the enemy's strength tomorrow." Barbara and Marie look happy (no more mice pilaf, Marie!).

Darn, I just realized I missed the opportunity for an A. A. Milne parody back when Marie was working for the old woman. Oh well, better late than never:

What is the matter with Marie Jane?  

I've promised her one evening free from pain,

And it's lovely mice pudding for dinner again!

What is the matter with Marie Jane?

Back to the fort -- ready for another movie cliche? David, Owen, Marie and Barbara are served a feast, and devour it with abandon, as the soldiers look on:

Spoiler

Then they slow down, and David (because the clown/baby/sweet/helpless one is always it, and he's the closest we've got) runs out to vomit. Barbara looks pretty close to it, as well.

This really has that "it's part of the story great-great-great-grandma always told, so we have to include it" feel to it.

The next day, the four sleep very late. Captain Thomas arranges for Barbara and Marie to have a hot bath. Another "movie about Ye Olden Days" cliche comin' up!

The camera pans from a lit fireplace, over their discarded filthy clothes, past the fort matron setting out folded white blankets, to M & B in a high wooden tub. They appear to be wearing cotton shifts in the tub, and are giggling. Barbara says "bubbles!" and puts some on Marie's hair. The matron pours more hot water in the tub.

Marie says "Barbara your hair is much lighter-- look at that." Barbara says "I think the stain'll come out." I can sort of see it on a few strands, but most is still jet black.

Captain Thomas knocks on the door, and tells them that Colonel Mercer has invited them to dinner, in less than an hour. The matron assures him they will be ready, and to thank Colonel Mercer's daughter for the dresses (this is delivered in a fine Irish brogue).

So we know we are in for a big transformation -- Cinderella time, baby!

Keep this image in mind, when you see what they look like, supposedly less than an hour later:

Spoiler

 

[MamaJunebug]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He exchanges a curt nod (Kurt Nodd -- I believe he is in this regiment!  ) with each man. Mueller and Thomas leave.

All this and a rimshot too. You go, gal!

[Jasmar]

Tyty Thoughtful, I’ve been enjoying your recaps. The Beatles/Monkees thing had me laughing for about two minutes!

[thoughtful]

AYNA, continued:

I forgot to point out that the hard-to-kill, intense (sometimes single-minded to the point of being robotic) villian who thinks he is in the right, and pursues the hero(es) relentlessly, is another trope of literature and film (from Les Miserables through The Terminator movies, and beyond!). Add that to your bingo cards.

I also want to point out that the material around the top of that wooden tub looks just like the pleather Doug used to make his Roman breastplate. Maybe he had some left over.

OK, back to the riveting, well-told story.

Sorry. I'll pull myself together.

The camera pans over a table set for a luxurious dinner (well, the fort version of a luxurious dinner), and we hear Doug's voice as the camera moves up:

Spoiler

I guess nobody arranged a bath and white-folk clothes for David and Owen. How rude.

Doug, as Mercer, is saying, "His Majesty would be most grateful for any infawmation you could provide about these SAVages. What kind of a man is their *, this Chief Selinquaw?

*20 tries, and I cannot figure out what he is saying - it sounds like "sayjent."  Anyone? It's at 1:22:28.

The boys answer that he is a great warrior, and wise in the ways of his people. Owen seems to have lost his English accent - the bear wound must have healed. Mercer says, "Warriuhs. So, how many of these warriuhs . . . ah good fightuhs?"

Owen and David look at one another, back at Doug, and say, in perfect unison, "All of them!" Suddenly they're a couple of old burlesque comics, delivering the punch line to the joke about the prostitute who proudly declares she's made $100.50 that night. Someone asks, "Which guy gave you the fifty cents?" and she replies . . . (see above)

"I see. Just as I suspected," says Mercer. I have no clue what the point of this conversation was, but Doug gets a close-up!

Spoiler

We hear a door open, and they turn toward the sound:

Spoiler

How's that for a mix of expressions, none of them for any reason at all!

In come recently wet and bedraggled Barbara and Marie:

Spoiler

 Um, Marie? Yo, Marie -- where are you? I can't see you behind the blinding gold tresses and gold dress (really, you can't see her at all for the most of the rest of the scene, even as the Captain presents them and introduces them by name - y'know, because they look so different that nobody will recognize them hahaha). Finally, we get a teeny peek at her, next to Barbarella -- er, Barbara:

Spoiler

Kelly's good at  the combination of modestly tipped-down head and outthrust chest -- Jill Rodrigues would be proud of her. Check out David's expression, on the left. "Why Miss Jones, we've worked together in this office for years, and I've never seen you without your glasses. Why, you're . . . you're BEAUtiful!"

Mercer goes along with the Captain's hilarious joke, and says "I dahhsay, I could not have recognized you had we nawt been introduced." And everyone guffaws and applauds.

It's a shame the matron isn't there to accept the accolades -- she must have scrubbed them to a fare-thee-well, dried them, did their hair, and helped them dress in all of the layers involved. She also taught them how to wear adult underwear and walk in hard-soled, heeled shoes. After all, they were young farm kids when kidnapped, and would never have worn corsets or panniers (Barbara's dress looks like it involves both - see next picture), full-length heavy dresses, or anything tight or complicated. And they've been wearing pants, tunics and moccasins for the "many years" since.

The matron accomplished all of this in less than an hour! As far as I'm concerned, that woman is the hero of the film.

Spoiler

Mercer kisses Barbara's hand, then Marie's. The camera goes behind him as he bends to do it, so this is the best screen shot I could get. Note David -- still goofy.

Spoiler

Owen looks on with love in his eyes. David -- still goofy.

Spoiler

 

 

Edited September 29, 2019 by thoughtful
fixing error

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Jasmar said:

The Beatles/Monkees thing had me laughing for about two minutes!

Glad I could amuse you!

It was even funnier after watching the scene, rather than just seeing a screen shot. They really were cavorting like a boy band in a video, and the telescope view made it look even more like a fun romp (sorry, Doug - it was sweaty, but only a half-manly romp).

 

[Granwych]

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Glad I could amuse you!

It was even funnier after watching the scene, rather than just seeing a screen shot. They really were cavorting like a boy band in a video, and the telescope view made it look even more like a fun romp (sorry, Doug - it was sweaty, but only a half-manly romp).

 

Was there background music featuring cellos??

[jjmennonite]

On 9/27/2019 at 9:45 AM, thoughtful said:

More AYNA:

Galasko says "I go with you." Of course, Hannawoa gets pissed off, and says "I need no help from children (you really have to get over the sibling rivalry shit, H -- it's very unbecoming in a grown man)!"

H runs off, and G tells the men with him "I go bring back what is mine." One of them answers "Hannawoa will be angry," and G says "He is always angry."

Really? I hadn't noticed! ?

More back-and-forth - the escapees running over pretty rocks (or ledges, if you prefer!), Hannawoa running, Galasko running, the escapees drinking water, H running, G running, etc.

Galasko catches up to Hannawoa, at the pretty ledge-rocks.

He says he will help him. H says "Susquehanna must burn! You'd come save her again!"

G insists they must hurry because they are near the fort, and H bellows something I couldn't catch in its entirety, despite several tries, but it starts with "You would steal my honor again!" and ends with "  . . .a father who would make you chief," so it's clearly the sibling rivalry rearing its ugly head yet again.

G, clearly hurt (and looking a bit surprised -- really? Have you met your brother?), says "No," and that's his last word. Not just on the subject -- that's his last word. He turns away from H (big mistake), and H kills him with an axe blow (I guess everyone carries an axe. Come to think of it, maybe they are supposed to be tomahawks).

I guess Hannawoa didn't get over that sibling rivalry shit.

H stands over his brother's body and does that bellowing thing again, then takes G's weapons (enraged, but practical!) and continues on after the escapees.

 

Oh jesus oh lord I cannot. . . I just cannot. 

I was determined to reach the end of this thread. . . But . . Lo. . Where is the end. . 

I actually found Doug Phillips, or at least an office with that name on the door. Then nobody was ever there. 

But this painful recap (the watching must be painful, so sorry) by @thoughtful is cracking me up. I’m inarticulately dying here. 

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Granwych said:

Was there background music featuring cellos??

There is some 'cello, but the score is heavy on flute, harp and violin. I guess Doug was too busy getting into character to yell "moar 'cellos!" at them.

1 hour ago, jjmennonite said:

But this painful recap (the watching must be painful, so sorry) by @thoughtful is cracking me up

Don't pity me -- I'm having a great time finding so many more (moar! moar!) errors and badly-written dialogue and horrible stereotypes and weird sound effects than I ever thought could be crammed into one movie. This thing makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Citizen Kane!

 

 

[thoughtful]

More of A Film, Yet Not a Film:

Morning. Mercer looks pensively out his window (wishing it was a wrecked plane, no doubt). There is a knock at the door, and he calls out, "Entah!"

Great, now he's auditioning for The Sunshine Boys.

Spoiler

The Captain enters, and Mercer tells him: "Wuhd of our captive friends has reached Philadelphia. You must retuhn these captives . . . safely."

Look at that face when he says "safely." He means it, dude.

 

Spoiler

The Captain tells him it is a great honor, and Mercer sits down to do some paperwork. Dougie must have been in heaven -- using a quill pen and ink in an actual movie!

 

Spoiler

And that is our last look at Doug!

Title: One Month Later - Philadelphia

The former captives arrive in an oxcart:
 

Spoiler

 

People run up, asking if they've seen others who have been missing. Other people stand around, looking worried. It is not explained (well, of course not!), but I guess news has come through that some captives have been found, and this is a place people have gathered to meet them or ask them if they know of other captives' fates.

We see Mama, who is unsure if the woman in the cart is her daughter, and says "Barbara?" tentatively. Barbara comes down from the cart and hugs Mama, Marie hugs Fritz and says "You're alive!" That may be Beall in the background:

 

Spoiler

 

Barbara hugs her brother John. Barbara and Fritz greet one another, he kisses her hand and they make eyes at one another. He's cute, Barb, but he's not the chief of anything.

 

Spoiler

 

Hubba hubba.

Barbara and Marie bid farewell to David and Owen, who are going to join Colonel Armstrong's militia. Marie asks them to write, and David says they will, if they can find someone to teach them to write in English. Yuk yuk.

He looks less goofy now:

Spoiler

Owen asks Marie to wait for him - oh, yeah, Owen and Marie like one another. It's easy to forget, with all of the running and starving and bears and Owen's shifting accent. Not to mention the fact that we had no idea who those two guys looking sad about the old woman mistreating Marie at the lacrosse game were.

Spoiler

The guys wave as the gals ride away, and Garryowen is played on the fife and drum by some soldiers passing by (historical/western movie cliche -- somebody always plays Garryowen).

Mama, John and Barbara arrive home. John has rebuilt the cabin. Barbara gives Mama her brooch, and Mama cries and wishes Papa was there.

 

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by thoughtful
clarity, fixing spoilers

[MamaJunebug]

48 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Look at that face when he says "safely." He means it, dude.

The screencap would’ve been enough, but your commentary ? I was in stitches!!

  

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, MamaJunebug said:

The screencap would’ve been enough

It almost looks like he wanted say "safely, girlfriend!" and snap his fingers.

[JermajestyDuggar]

I’m kind of surprised the Holts and Phillips’s haven’t crossed paths before. There was a fundie beach wedding this weekend and this is where they met.

[Hane]

Question for our fashion historians here: Are the returned captive girls’ hairdos and ruffled mob caps as anachronistic as I think they are? Wouldn’t young women of marriageable age wear their hair up and maybe tucked under a cap? I mean, isn’t that the purpose of those caps?

They kind of remind me of the actresses in late ‘60s Wild West movies, in which women of the late 1800s were shown with thick blue eyeliner, gobs of black mascara, pinkish white lipstick, and long stick-straight hair parted in the middle. *faints on the Fashion Anachronism couch*

[thoughtful]

AYNA, the really rushed zoom to (almost) the end:

Back to normal life, Mama and Barbara are dipping candles and giving us some exposition dialog:

Spoiler

They discuss the fact that Marie is still waiting for Owen -- it has been three years, during which time, Mama says "she hasn't heard a vord." Barbara says Marie still hopes, "as we do for Regina." Mama has a memory, to make sure we remember that Regina is her other daughter who was kidnapped.

Spoiler

Mama asks if Barbara has sensed any interest from Fritz, B says she thinks he sees her as a sister. Mama says she sees the look he gives her, and remembers that look from Papa. They both say "mmmm" several times during this exchange, Mama makes this face:

Spoiler

Barbara says "Mmm, Papa" and Mama chuckles as the camera focuses in on the long, hard candles dipping into the pot full of hot, hot wax.

Spoiler

Hey now, sometimes a candle is just a candle, people.

New scene -- John comes in with a tool trug, tells Mama (who is now putting away the cooled candles) that he and Fritz have just finished building something. I won't bore you with the incredibly clutzy dialogue, but John, fondling a candle, sort of asks Mama's blessing for Fritz to court Barbara. Why this is John's responsibility, I don't know. Mama says they have her blessing "mitout question." Ooops, Mama -- shouldn't that have been "qvestion?"

Romantic montage ensues. You can look at these screenshots, or just watch Gwen Shamblin and Joe Lara's proposal video for a similar effect. Now, before you look, guess what images you are going to see. Unless you have never been to the movies, I bet you'll be right!

Spoiler

Everything but running toward one another in a field. She says she'd be glad to be his wife (well, you knew that, because he picked her up and spun her around).

I wonder if she will ask him to do kinky things with that tomahawk souvenir and some feathers.

Next scene -- night, snow, and the title:

Years Later - Christmas Eve.

Inside the cabin, Mama, Marie, John, Fritz, Barbara, another woman who I guess is John's wife and an adorable baby sit at the table.

Spoiler

 

And we see that:

Spoiler

Mama is finally wearing the brooch! It's pinned to a lovely dress, as well.

Just as they are about to say grace, there is a knock at the door. All look apprehensive, John goes to the door, Fritz aims a rifle at the door, just in case, and in walks . . .