Jinjer 37: The Joys of Pregnancy

[VelociRapture]

10 hours ago, PainfullyAware said:

I KNOW my Mom is going to want to be there with me but I really would only want my husband. We are planning to start our family and I'm already stressed about how to tell her lol I don't mind a quick visit potentially in the early stages but not for the delivery. It's just not a moment I want to share...maybe I won't care by that point but in theory I'd like our child's first moments to be just us. Selfish?

Not selfish at all. I felt the same way. My in-laws popped by to drop off our bags for us early on, but they were smart and thoughtful enough to leave pretty quickly. After that we had no visitors until around 11 hours after the baby was born. We had requested no visitors the first day because it was an unexplained premature birth with a NICU stay, but my mom dropped by to see me for a short visit. Like any mom, she worries about her kids and wanted to be sure my husband and I were ok. We were and we were grateful she didn’t ask or demand to see the baby in NICU (and for the chocolate she brought...) Only other visitors were my grandparents, who got special permission from us to come see the baby as they were leaving on a trip the very next day. Everyone else who was healthy enough got to meet her the next day.

If having your mother present is going to stress you out or upset you, then don’t do it. If you end up wanting her to come by for a short visit or to be there the entire time, then go right ahead and ask if she’d like that. You are the one going through labor and delivery - it’s a lot to handle physically, emotionally, and mentally. As such, your wishes are the ones that need to be respected.

(My sister is expecting her second - another sweet boy! - this summer and she is considering asking that no one visit the hospital at all because her in-laws have boundary issues and her very nice husband is a bit of a pushover. I’d love to go visit at the Hospital, but I’m more concerned about making sure she feels as calm and supported as possible, especially because she had PPD with her first - she immediately sought treatment, but she’d obviously rather avoid that this time if she can. So whatever she ends up wanting is what I’m going by and if anyone gives her trouble I’m ready to throw down. )

[lizzybee]

With the birth of my son, I just let any one come who wanted to the first time around and that was no good. It turned into FIL's wife getting angry at me for not paying enough attention to her (I was in a hospital bed less than two hours post op, but logic wasn't welcome there evidently). Baby was in the NICU and she wanted to go home because she couldn't hold him. We'd hoped they'd hang around and help us out with the pets at home so DH could stay with me and baby in the hospital (They live 3hrs away). Nothing could persuade her and FIL isn't one to stand his ground. So they went and didn't end up meeting the baby until March (he was born at the end of November). Weirdest person I know, hands down. 

Needless to say, this time I don't plan on even telling them baby is here until after he's born. They can come or not. But they can't stay at our house and can get a hotel room if they want.  This time I've got my dad and sister coming to stay with DS and my sister is going to stay for the summer for some extra help with the babies. Sister is college aged and not taking summer classes. She's excited to play with babies all summer and I'm relieved she wants to come. 

Last time, DH and I did the newborn thing with zero help and obviously survived. We slept in shifts to guarantee a certain amount of sleep (he'd get home from work and I'd give him DS and go to bed at 5-6pm and sleep until midnight then he'd go to bed and I'd stay up while he slept until time for work). It was rough but we did it. I'm thankful my sister is available and has offered to come. I'd been worrying a little about juggling it all. 

I'm also really glad they're going to come stay with DS while I'm in the hospital. He will be at his house, in his bed, and with his toys and routine intact. DH can go back and forth from the hospital to help keep him feeling as much normalcy as possible. AFM, I already can't wait to get back home to him and this doesn't happen until June. 

[SassyPants]

The more I read on FJ, the more I realize that my family is pretty independent, private and perhaps standoffish. Like i said previously,  my folks would have never considered attending a grandchild's birth or insinuate themselves into the process. They did keep our daughter when #2 was being born, but she had to go to their home 2 hours away. My dad was still working and my mom doesn't really do "away" without my dad. Neither has ever come to stay at our home to help...We are all independent to a fault. Sometimes it's a curse.

Now my youngest brother and his wife had 3 kids in three years, live close to my parents, and my folks have helped them out a lot over the years.

[sadiZ]

I didn't want anyone there but my husband and medical personnel. And we both have huge families, so we decided that we'd just not tell people when I went into labor and wait for little one to arrive. It worked out well, because we also had no one reaching out calling and bugging us for updates (or showing up at the hospital), which would have driven me crazy. I ended up with an urgent c-section that I had to be put under for because the epidural didn't work right, so hubs ended up getting like 3 hours with little one by himself, then when I got back from recovery we got 30 minutes or so together before we started calling people. The only thing I regret is that my dad got on a plane that morning for work, so missed meeting his grandson until he was home on Friday, 5 days after little one was born. If I could go back in time I might have told my parents, at least, so he could have met little one sooner. 

But I totally suggest to anyone: if you don't want people there, don't tell anyone you're in labor. It made it much more stress free than my sister's labor, where her husband announced it on Facebook. And yes, it hurt my MIL's feelings, but it wasn't about her. 

[Melbelle]

@kachuu and @mstee Have you taken your hospital tours yet?  I would highly recommend doing this because it gave me a much better idea of the environment I would be in and exactly what and where people would be if I had people there with me while I was laboring.  I'm due in April and I knew all along that I did not want anyone in the room with me during labor or delivery except my husband.  (I'm super easily embarrassed and delivery seems about as embarrassing as anything can be to me personally-my personal cringe factor not how I feel about the concept as a whole.)  However, I considered having people, just my in-laws, in the waiting room.  After learning about labor in my birthing classes and taking the hospital tour, I decided I was only comfortable with my husband being present and that we would contact everyone when we were ready, after the baby is born, and after we were settled into our hospital room.  (My hospital has a private labor and delivery suite that you deliver in and stay in for a few hours after the birth and then they move you to a private room for the remainder of your stay.)  At this hospital, if the birth has no complications, as soon as the baby is delivered and a quick once over is completed, they place the baby on mama's chest for an hour of skin-to-skin time, a nurse remains with you the whole time, but she stays in the background (unless she is needed) and lets you and your partner bond with the baby during this entire time (the nurse will help your husband do skin-to-skin during this time too).  After learning about this, my husband and I knew it would be pointless to have anyone else there because we wanted that time to ourselves no matter what.  

Our biggest issue has been deciding how to handle my parents during this time.  They live very far away (a 20-22 hour drive away) and initially our plan was to contact them once we were confirmed in labor and checked into the hospital.  They would then begin their drive out and stay for 4 or 5 days before heading back.  However, after learning more and more about childbirth and the weeks afterwards, I don't want my parents to come out until around the baby is about 2 months or so.  I hate to do that to my parents, but my parents are not helpers and sadly, they're not happy people-and while I'm hopeful, I don't count on the possibility that their first and only grandchild will change anything inside of them.  Anyone have advice on handling difficult parents or people that travel in from far away that you don't want or aren't capable of providing help?  

[ThunderRolls]

1 hour ago, kachuu said:

It floors me that from the moment you are pregnant to the point of actual birth, OTHER people think they are able to treat you as if you can't make your own damn decisions anymore. Case in point, another random stranger touches my belly, i'm going to lose it! When did pregnancy equate to a woman's body becoming communal property?

I don't understand other people's need to be in the birth room. Or even that they think their opinion overrides what the laboring mom wants. That just floors me. Who the hell do you think you are?? 

Get ready for strangers wanting to kiss your baby - on the lips - once he/she is born! No one touched my belly when I was pregnant (I think my bitchy resting face that was illuminated with an over abudance of hormone-induced oil, was enough of a deterrent). Once my daughter was born, though, I had a couple of folks who I don't know very well (but are family friends) request to hold her and then kissed her on her lips (which was not requested but liberties are apparently taken once the baby is another person's arms). I honestly didn't know what to do because these people are genuinely nice folks (at least they seem to be), but it was so gross that I didn't want to take my baby anywhere after that for a long time. 

As far as delivery and the newborn stage, it is absolutely up to the parents to set boundaries, and if people don't like that, tough shit. If it's their grandchild, niece/nephew, cousin, whatever, they'll get over it in time. I had my husband and mom in the room with me for two reasons 1) my mom and I are enmeshed and well, we've been all each other has had for a long time so we're super close; 2) my husband was scared shitless and my mom was a nurse and he really wanted the extra support of her being in there. I'm glad my mom was there, but I can understand why people would just want their partners in the room.

My husband called his parents so they were there once the baby was born and I was wheeled into the recuperating room. They visited for a bit and then my husband and them went to get food - and not one of them thought to get me, the one in labor for 24+ hours, anything to eat. I've never been so damn hungry in my life. I had had some bullshit hospital food not long after delivery, but it wasn't much - I was literally popping out butter packs into my mouth. When they came back empty handed I just felt so defeated in that moment and just wanted to burst out crying, "I want my mom" (who had gone back to the house to take care of our pets, including our dog who was dying of cancer). My MIL, who is honestly not a bad person but is instinctively selfish, at least went back and got some food for me. If I ever have a second child, though, I would limit visitors and hang a sign that said, "Bring food/let me sleep or you're dead to me." 

[SapphireSlytherin]

1 minute ago, ThunderRolls said:

then my husband and them went to get food

My then-husband didn't want to leave. I MADE HIM go to Sonic to get me a #2 Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a large Dr. Pepper. I was soooo hungry.

[mstee]

@Melbelle I haven’t done the hospital tour yet. Maybe that will help. I do like having plans for things as much as possible. As far as your parents go, you could suggest that they can visit sooner than 2 months if they are willing to stay in a nearby hotel. You can say it’s for the baby’s schedule/needing quiet in the house or whatever excuse sounds good. That way you aren’t stuck with them in your house 24/7 during that private time. I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I will have no peace in my house after I come home with the baby with both my parents there, haha. I’m just trying to stay positive. 

[Chickenbutt]

My DIL asked me if I wanted to be in the delivery room. At first she said I could stay up to the delivery, then she wanted me to step out until the baby was delivered, then I could come right back in. Fast forward to the delivery date. I stayed in the room while she labored, when she started to push I kissed her on the forehead and said I would be in the waiting room. She said no, I could stay but I had to stay at the head of the bed. So I stayed, watched them lift Adeline up and show her off to the world. Mom held her, dad held her and after she was cleaned up, the nurses gave her to me to cuddle and carry back to mom. I have never been so honored in my life to be a part of something. It has brought my DIL and I closer. 

[Runningfromreality]

2 hours ago, Cheetah said:

You and a couple of other people here need DWIL.  (Dealing with In-laws on babycenter).   They are very pro nuclear family over extended relatives, especially pushy extended relatives that stress you out. 

https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725

I was just about to recommend this! My MIL is nice and all, but doesn't even try to hide how excited she is for us to eventually have a baby (I'm not pregnant yet, but working through some uterine issues before we start ttc). I've been reading DWIL to prepare myself for the eventual "we'll let you know when the baby is born, it's not "your" baby, and you will not be our daycare" conversation. Reading the labor and delivery horror stories over there has also made me really think hard about what our plans will be. 

[Ais]

@viii your comment is one of the most loving and sisterly things I've ever read. I can completely understand how you feel about wanting to be there and why you feel slighted, but the fact that you followed that immediately with the understanding that her pregnancy and delivery is not about you is one of the greatest gifts you could give a new mum. I hope your sister sees this xx

12 minutes ago, Chickenbutt said:

My DIL asked me if I wanted to be in the delivery room. At first she said I could stay up to the delivery, then she wanted me to step out until the baby was delivered, then I could come right back in. Fast forward to the delivery date. I stayed in the room while she labored, when she started to push I kissed her on the forehead and said I would be in the waiting room. She said no, I could stay but I had to stay at the head of the bed. So I stayed, watched them lift Adeline up and show her off to the world. Mom held her, dad held her and after she was cleaned up, the nurses gave her to me to cuddle and carry back to mom. I have never been so honored in my life to be a part of something. It has brought my DIL and I closer. 

My mum died 6 years ago and I'm the oldest in the house. My sister allowed me to be with her when her son was born last year, I ended up supporting her legs and because of that I was the first person to set eyes on my gorgeous nephew as he came into the world. It was the greatest gift I've ever been given.

[Coconut Flan]

4 hours ago, mstee said:

I’m her only child, and my friends say I’ll regret not letting her in.

No you won't.  I'm an only child and it's been decades since I gave birth and never regretted for a second I didn't allow my mother to even be in the hospital.  It's about you and your comfort level.  It isn't about what your mother or your friends think and do. 

[Chickenbutt]

Aside from seeing Adeline immediately, I got to look at my son watching his daughter being born. I got to see the tears running down his face, love shining in his eyes for baby and DIL. He has two other daughters, but I was not in the room for their births, so I missed that. I saw a tenderness in him that I have not seen before or since. It was a priceless, unexplainable experience that I am so grateful to have had. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

5 minutes ago, Coconut Flan said:

No you won't.  I'm an only child and it's been decades since I gave birth and never regretted for a second I didn't allow my mother to even be in the hospital.  It's about you and your comfort level.  It isn't about what your mother or your friends think and do. 

SAME SAME SAME SAME SAME.

I never even CONSIDERED having my mom in the room.

[lizzybee]

16 minutes ago, Coconut Flan said:

No you won't.  I'm an only child and it's been decades since I gave birth and never regretted for a second I didn't allow my mother to even be in the hospital.  It's about you and your comfort level.  It isn't about what your mother or your friends think and do. 

Plus one to this. Don't let someone else tell you how you should feel about something. Do exactly what you want here, this is your birth experience. 

[FeministShrew]

My mom & mil were in the room for part of the labor with #1.Ex was oblivious, sitting in the corner reading a newspaper, but the nurse (her toddler went to the daycare where I worked then) noticed they were stressing me out & made them leave. Only ex was there for the delivery. I honestly don't remember with #2. I don't think any of them even came to the hosptial. My mom was home with 2 year old #1.
My DIL texted me today that she'll be induced on the 20th. I have no plans to be in the room, but she's happy with me camping out all day in the waiting room downstairs. I live an hour away, and I know I wouldn't get any work done that day anyway. She's already said she wants her mom to be with her.
I definitely won't visit until she tells me she's ready! I've tried hard not to be a pushy MIL. My son's stepmother is a different story. I have a feeling I might end up having to sit on her to keep her from bothering them, lol. Be on the lookout for offbeat news stories out of SC on 20th!

[Crooked.Stick]

2 hours ago, kachuu said:

It floors me that from the moment you are pregnant to the point of actual birth, OTHER people think they are able to treat you as if you can't make your own damn decisions anymore. Case in point, another random stranger touches my belly, i'm going to lose it! When did pregnancy equate to a woman's body becoming communal property?

oh em gee this grinds my gears...I think it is the absolute most rude and inconsiderate thing. My mom is all about touching a random stranger's baby belly. I make a point to apologize when she does it around me. I don't even ask my friends to feel their baby bump! Id only ever do it if they offered. 

[Melbelle]

@mstee Yes!  If you're a planner at all, the hospital tour will really help.  (I'm a huge planning type person, so this experience made me feel so much better!)  The tour was part of our birthing classes, but my hospital offers tours to anyone planning on delivering there by appt.  With it being part of our class, the teacher was able to explain all the stages of labor, where they would typically occur, show us how far the waiting room was from the suites, tell us what we could have in there, music, food, aromatherapy, there are tubs that you and your partner can labor in, explained that you can ask for medicine(?-the big pilates balls) and peanut balls to help with labor, she showed us how the beds can be moved into multiple different positions so you can labor in different ways, even some different ways than on your back with an epidural.  She explained what would happen after delivery in that room with the cord cutting and skin-to-skin time, etc., and then how to transition to your regular room would occur.  It was so eye-opening and helpful for me.

My parents will be staying in a hotel if/when they come out.  We put this into place after we got pregnant because our guest room is now the nursery and our other spare bedroom is an office because we each work at home at varying times.  This did make their last trip (for my shower) more palatable.  Unfortunately, my parents will arrive here each morning and sit on our couch all day/every day until they have to leave.  They won't help, except for maybe running errands and only my dad will do this, my mom will just be planted on the couch.  They won't wash dishes, cook dinner, clean or do anything to help with the baby besides hold it, sadly.  The most they will do is offer to go grab dinner and bring it back, and they'll want fast food, something my husband and I rarely eat and definitely do not want to eat a lot of right after our son's birth when we're trying to be healthy for him and ourselves.  I'm an only child and the thought of not allowing my parents to visit right away is incredibly heartbreaking for me, but I have to think about what's best for my "new" family and especially my son.  A happy and healthy mama is way more important to him than having upset parents/grandparents.  But that is way easier to say here than to say in real life to my parents!  

[Four is Enough]

I wasn't in the labor room with my sister and her husband for the birth of the second child, but I was the only person she allowed to hold him all that night. I spent the night cuddling the baby so my sister could sleep.

[mango_fandango]

I would find a stranger touching my bump INCREDIBLY rude (not pregnant by the way, haven’t ever been). I also wouldn’t want complete strangers touching the baby whilst it was in the pram, that’s also rude. Why would you do it?? Talk to me, say it’s a cute baby or whatever, but there’s no need to touch. 

[SassyPants]

4 minutes ago, Melbelle said:

@mstee Yes!  If you're a planner at all, the hospital tour will really help.  (I'm a huge planning type person, so this experience made me feel so much better!)  The tour was part of our birthing classes, but my hospital offers tours to anyone planning on delivering there by appt.  With it being part of our class, the teacher was able to explain all the stages of labor, where they would typically occur, show us how far the waiting room was from the suites, tell us what we could have in there, music, food, aromatherapy, there are tubs that you and your partner can labor in, explained that you can ask for medicine(?-the big pilates balls) and peanut balls to help with labor, she showed us how the beds can be moved into multiple different positions so you can labor in different ways, even some different ways than on your back with an epidural.  She explained what would happen after delivery in that room with the cord cutting and skin-to-skin time, etc., and then how to transition to your regular room would occur.  It was so eye-opening and helpful for me.

My parents will be staying in a hotel if/when they come out.  We put this into place after we got pregnant because our guest room is now the nursery and our other spare bedroom is an office because we each work at home at varying times.  This did make their last trip (for my shower) more palatable.  Unfortunately, my parents will arrive here each morning and sit on our couch all day/every day until they have to leave.  They won't help, except for maybe running errands and only my dad will do this, my mom will just be planted on the couch.  They won't wash dishes, cook dinner, clean or do anything to help with the baby besides hold it, sadly.  The most they will do is offer to go grab dinner and bring it back, and they'll want fast food, something my husband and I rarely eat and definitely do not want to eat a lot of right after our son's birth when we're trying to be healthy for him and ourselves.  I'm an only child and the thought of not allowing my parents to visit right away is incredibly heartbreaking for me, but I have to think about what's best for my "new" family and especially my son.  A happy and healthy mama is way more important to him than having upset parents/grandparents.  But that is way easier to say here than to say in real life to my parents!  

Oh Man...my folks are very nice people and they would do just about anything for us, but they are just not get up  and help in others' homes kind of people. SO, having them here means I do everything. They sit on the couch and watch golf or game shows, yikes. They might ask, "what are we having for dinner"? Not in a mean way, but just to ask. They eat very little, so maybe some fruit in the AM and dinner. No lunch, no snacks. Sit and hold a baby yes, but damn. OTOH, when you visit their home (and they love to host holidays) even as 80+ year olds, they do everything. I guess they have an old school approach to being and having guests. No one wants to "host" guests when they've just had a baby. And no one wants to have to tell another adult what to do to help. I really do think it's better to hold off on the longer visits until the parents are settled with new baby-

[MoonFace]

On 2/28/2018 at 8:11 AM, CarrotCake said:

Is it so normal to have mother and sister(s) present in the USA?

To me, having anyone present but your SO (except for medical professionals) seems strange to me.

I agree with you.   I never considered that giving birth was a spectator sport. 

[viii]

1 hour ago, Ais said:

@viii your comment is one of the most loving and sisterly things I've ever read. I can completely understand how you feel about wanting to be there and why you feel slighted, but the fact that you followed that immediately with the understanding that her pregnancy and delivery is not about you is one of the greatest gifts you could give a new mum. I hope your sister sees this xx

Aw, thank you! It's been tough, but I'm trying to be as understanding as possible. I had originally booked my plane ticket for two weeks so I'd be there for her due date and after, but I recently changed it so I fly there about a week and a half after her due date. Baby should be here by now, and there won't be any obligation on her part to have me in there, and I won't feel (as) bad for missing it, since I won't even be in the province. It's definitely closing the door to the opportunity, but I don't want to make her feel forced into anything she's not comfortable with, and this way I can guard my own feelings a little as well, since I know that at the end of the day, it's not about me but I am allowed to be hurt. 

[MoonFace]

21 hours ago, kachuu said:

My inlaws plan to be waiting right out the door as soon as he pops out of me. I'm stressing the fuck out. Like, why cant we have 5 minutes of transition before you HAVE to shove yourselves into every damn moment. Is that selfish?

Do the nurses allow visitors back there as soon as you are in recovery or do they wait till you give the say-so? My MIL is overwhelming and pushy and so help me god if she just waltz through the door while i'm pushing. I'm super hormonal about the woman today, so you know, our future is really bright.

Not selfish at all.   

Can you not tell them when you go in to labor and 'surprise' them? 

Otherwise, tell the medical team ahead of time you want some time before you have visitors in the room - that you want time for you and your husband and baby to bond before they join you.  

 

[BabyFactoryClosing]

I definitely agree with everyone that if you don't want your mother in the room that's 100% fine and there's no reason to think that you'll regret it. My family/area is VERY Hispanic so here birthing is definitely a spectator sport. Myself and my husband however are extremely introverted and private people so I told my mom from the beginning that no one that wasn't there at conception would be there at delivery. She was hurt but did a surprisingly good job shoving it down. On the other hand my cousins, aunts and sisters all let her into delivery  no questions asked so she's seen plenty of the family born haha. I have zero regrets. Not only was labor so horrific each time that I think my mom would have really been distressed had she been there, it was so nice to just have some time with my husband and the babies when they finally did come.