Seewalds 14- Baby can I hold you tonight?

[Bad Wolf]

The ultrasound 34 years ago for Wolf 2, looked like a girl. He is a boy. My sister in law was ecstatic because he would carry on the family name. I promptly asked, "But what if he's gay?" Now we tease his son that it's his job. He's 3. No pressure. 

[Season of life...]

I am an only child, and I grew up knowing I had been wanted and was loved. My mother had several miscarriages before she had me, and she fought hard to bring me safely into the world. I never once doubted how much I was loved as a child.

When I was in high school, however, a family member casually mentioned that my dad had REALLY REALLY wanted a boy, and how disappointed he was to realize the only child he was likely to have was a female. She went on to add that everything turned out OK because I was a great kid. I asked my dad about it, and received the reply that it "all turned out in the wash".

The hurt this knowledge caused is indescribable; it nestled into my brain and took root. Even now, my stomach feels icy as I type this out. The knowledge that I was initially a disappointment, merely because I lacked an appendage, hurt me. It may seem ridiculous that the hurt went so deep, but I felt like everything I knew and took for granted was false. I knew, logically, that my dad loved me, but it felt different.

People will feel how they are going to feel, and they certainly have that right. People are complicated beings. I respect that there may be disappointment sometimes, for whatever reason, but I would hope that never--in word, deed, or even through what some may consider a joke--would any child ever hear that their birth caused their parents anything but joy. Words can wound forever.

 

 

[JesusCampSongs]

12 hours ago, smallestneal said:

I'm also trans, and while I snipped most of your post because I didn't have anything to add to that, I wanted to say I 100% agree with your whole post but especially this. I feel like there's a huge difference between "we chose this name/use these pronouns unless we're informed otherwise later by the kid" and "I want to have a girl, specifically, so we can wear pink and bows/have tea parties/talk about boys/etc," and I feel like gender reveal parties can sometimes be exactly that kind of thing. Like, if the parents cut the cake or whatever and it's blue, everyone's going to be talking about how the kid will be such a ladies man, and play football with his dad, and embody all of these masculine traits. It sets up parents w/expectations that, if we're being honest, will almost never be met. Most cis kids aren't walking gender stereotypes, either, and it could be pretty sad for the little guy who loves drawing and dancing if his parents don't let him engage with his passions, or give him the feeling that they aren't that supportive of his interests because he doesn't meet their gender expectations. 

Obviously not all parents who do gender reveals are like this, but there are people on my dad's side of the family and a few people I went to high school with who absolutely are, so I know they're out there. It's so sad, because they're imposing arbitrary limits on their kids that could potentially cause a lot of angst and stress later on. 

I want to cosign all of this. Even though I'm cis, my childhood was frequently made miserable by people (read: my mother and her family members) shaming me because I hated wearing dresses, didn't play with dolls, and lacked interest in girly things overall. I was into art, books, and stuffed animals (I had a freakin' zoo of them), but I was always considered "weird" because I wanted Creepy Crawlers instead of an Easy Bake Oven and didn't like playing dress-up. As a teenager (and as an adult), I catch hell because I don't care about makeup and am not interested in fashion. I have some girly-identified interests, like knitting and sewing, but I'd rather spend the day in a dentist's chair than at the mall (unless I could stay in the bookstore and go nowhere else). I find pedicures torturous, but that's because I'm very ticklish on my feet.

That said, I don't look down on people (women, men, or nonbinary) who enjoy stereotypically girly stuff. I just wish it weren't so compulsory. My family's religion (Southern Baptist) played a huge role in the way I was treated, so I really feel badly for all the little Duggarlings who have it much worse in this area. 

[Chickenbutt]

I have read all the responses and have decided that I am going to just move on with my life. We will never agree and I will definitely be more careful about what I post in the future. Have a great day everyone.

[Carm_88]

42 minutes ago, Chickenbutt said:

I have read all the responses and have decided that I am going to just move on with my life. We will never agree and I will definitely be more careful about what I post in the future. Have a great day everyone.

That's the beauty of this world, we don't have to agree. People see things from different backgrounds and times in their lives. There's always a chance that a child will be gay, trans, asexual, or any other number of things. They may not want to get married, they may want to get married but never want children. We are all complex human beings and that is a very good thing. A woman can keep her name and the children can have her last night and that is completely fine. There's nothing wrong with traditional as long as you know that you may get a boy, but that may not mean anything in the grand scheme of things. 

[Snarkle Motion]

2 hours ago, Chickenbutt said:

Well, I guess the tolerance for a different point of view is a thing of the past. Apparently having a differing opinion is opening myself up to ridicule and nasty posts. Think whatever you wish, this is my life, and my family. We will hope for what we hope for and get what we get. We have been happy, with happy and successful children and grand children, for almost 35 years.

I do find it interesting and almost amusing that people that profess a great tolerance for alternative lifestyles and people, seem to be very critical and judgmental of me and my families views.

 

Okay I don't see anyone being "intolerant" of your perspective. You are welcome to feel that way and want tradition. But I think others are justified in believing this to be harmful and sexist viewpoint couched in traditionalism. That's not intolerant, they are entitled to that perspective and have been pretty respectfully sharing their disagreement. If you don't want nasty posts stop posting responses! No one is forcing you to keep the discussion going, that's the only reason people continue to respond to you. 

I was holding back because I do believe in civility but your outrage makes me feel justified in telling you that that kid will grow up knowing her whole family cried with disappointment when they found out she was a girl. Kids pick up on that even if you think no one will ever say anything.  Siblings remember, people talk.

You can't help how you feel. Your entitled to it. But you don't have to keep perseverating on your disappointment and trying to justify or defend it. 

BTW, I heard about this the other day: http://wbay.com/2017/01/19/green-bay-fan-to-take-fiancees-last-name-packer/

Also, my female cousin is married and has a child with her wife's last name, so maybe your granddaughter will be gay. Ive also known people who even invent new last names for the entire family or an amalgamation of both partners name.  

[louisa05]

3 hours ago, Chickenbutt said:

Well, I guess the tolerance for a different point of view is a thing of the past. Apparently having a differing opinion is opening myself up to ridicule and nasty posts. Think whatever you wish, this is my life, and my family. We will hope for what we hope for and get what we get. We have been happy, with happy and successful children and grand children, for almost 35 years.

I do find it interesting and almost amusing that people that profess a great tolerance for alternative lifestyles and people, seem to be very critical and judgmental of me and my families views.

 

And I'm just telling you that the obsession with having boy grandchildren to carry on the family name is what alienated my grandparents from the majority of their grandchildren. Because the underlying message was that neither their granddaughters or grandsons born to their daughters mattered as much as the single boy with the damn "family name". If your granddaughters hear the sad story of everyone being devastated that they were born girls, the message will be received that they are second class, that they were not really wanted by their grandparents who have priorities that are, frankly, rooted in misplaced pride over a fucking last name which is nothing but a label in the first place. 

I know this. I lived this. I was the sister of He Who Bore The Sacred Name. My parents were told that having me was a waste of time since I was not the spare to the heir they hoped for. It occurred to me when we cleaned out my grandparents' house that there were pictures of my grandmother holding every grand baby but me and my dad told me she was so disappointed by my being a girl that she never held me until I was over 2 years old. Even if you don't behave that way, if you are disappointed by granddaughters enough to express it so strongly here, they will know and it will hurt them. 

Or you could realize how sexist it is and let go of it now and be grateful that you have any grandchildren at all. 

[VelociRapture]

Just want to point out, @Chickenbutthas already posted a response in which she is bowing out of the conversation because it won't be productive to continue. Just want to point that out for anyone who may decide to comment on her initial posts.

-----------

My dad and I went out to lunch once. He got a bit tipsy and, somehow, we got on the topic of kids. He said my mom really wanted four, but he only wanted two... so they split the difference and agreed on three.

They had three girls. Mom tried convincing him to have a fourth by telling him they might have a son. He said no because, "I was up to bat three times and I struck out three times."

Now he was tipsy and I do laugh about it, but I can't lie and say it doesn't sting a bit. It does. 

And then my brother announced he's Trans. So mom never got that fourth kid, but dad got a son anyways. One that took our mom's maiden name as his new last name because it's more common than dad's (meaning he had a cleaner break from his former identity.) So even though dad has a son, he still has no one to carry on his last name.  

[VineHeart137]

5 minutes ago, Snarkle Motion said:

BTW, I heard about this the other day: http://wbay.com/2017/01/19/green-bay-fan-to-take-fiancees-last-name-packer/

This is a really cute story lol thanks for sharing.

It's really sad to me to think of people crying in disappointment because their otherwise healthy baby is the "wrong" sex. And I would be pretty put off if my in-laws told me they would really prefer if I had a boy to carry on the family name. I had a friend whose husband's family was very vocal about wanting them to have a boy as her womb was basically the only chance they had left to get a male "heir to the name", so to speak. Nobody was ever mean about it or meant to pressure her, there was usually a joking tone, but it did put pressure on her. She ended up having three girls and she always got remarks like "ANOTHER girl?!" "Are they SURE it's a girl?" "Well, maybe you'll get a boy next time!" It made her resentful. It was like people were telling her her children weren't good enough because they were girls. Nobody should be made to feel like that.

[Percy]

I am the youngest of 4, my father kept saying he wanted to keep going until he got a girl.  Mum said she was grateful I came along when I did as she did not want anymore children.  

She was number 5 out of 8, with 2 boys.  She constantly moaned at how her brothers were treated much better than the girls in the family.

I grew up in a very sexist, male dominated family.  Generally from my mother more than my father.  She placed great emphasis on how special it was to have 3 sons.

Next generation and she has seven granddaughters and one grandson.  Those grand children all know that the grandson is the golden child, it embarrasses him and the girls bond over teasing him about it.

It is sad that the grandchildren do not want to spend any time with her, because of her attitude.  

Every family is different, my FIL asked my husband to change his name so that FIL's step fathers name could be carried on.  We have 2 girls, only a mie will tell if the name continues.

[HermioneSparrow]

14 minutes ago, VineHeart137 said:

This is a really cute story lol thanks for sharing.

It's really sad to me to think of people crying in disappointment because their otherwise healthy baby is the "wrong" sex. And I would be pretty put off if my in-laws told me they would really prefer if I had a boy to carry on the family name. I had a friend whose husband's family was very vocal about wanting them to have a boy as her womb was basically the only chance they had left to get a male "heir to the name", so to speak. Nobody was ever mean about it or meant to pressure her, there was usually a joking tone, but it did put pressure on her. She ended up having three girls and she always got remarks like "ANOTHER girl?!" "Are they SURE it's a girl?" "Well, maybe you'll get a boy next time!" It made her resentful. It was like people were telling her her children weren't good enough because they were girls. Nobody should be made to feel like that.

Is she... My mom?! Lol

My paternal grandmother loved us very much but she wanted grandsons, no one spoke about it but we knew. My dad is an only child but my grandma raised her niece who happen to had three boys and my dad had two girls, my mom was a little pressured to have THE son but it never happened and she was resentful we weren't treated as nice as those three boys. She told me that like two years ago and while I know my grandma loved us, i knew she preferred my cousins and was very hurt by it.

In the other hand, my maternal grandma and everybody adored me as the first grandchild and my grandma truly loves all of us, we are 8 girls and two boys, but my grandma is a hardcore liberal feminist and treats us equally.

[Carm_88]

I was on the far end of 17 grandchild on my Dad's side. By the time I was born, well I was born after the first great-grandchild. So I was hardly anything exciting by that time. But my grandparents doted on all of their grandchildren, boy or girl, we were all theirs. My brother is the baby of us all, born five years after my last cousins. Is he treated differently? A little because he was the last but there was going to be even more great grandchildren. I like that we were all treated equally, no matter if we were number 1, number 17, or somewhere in the middle. 

 

[louisa05]

7 minutes ago, Carm_88 said:

I was on the far end of 17 grandchild on my Dad's side. By the time I was born, well I was born after the first great-grandchild. So I was hardly anything exciting by that time. But my grandparents doted on all of their grandchildren, boy or girl, we were all theirs. My brother is the baby of us all, born five years after my last cousins. Is he treated differently? A little because he was the last but there was going to be even more great grandchildren. I like that we were all treated equally, no matter if we were number 1, number 17, or somewhere in the middle. 

 

Fortunately that is how it was with my maternal grandparents. There were seven of us and three were adopted, but my grandma never liked to tell anyone which three as she could have cared less about that distinction. 

My brother, however, too accustomed to being the Heir to Greatness with our paternal grandparents, resented our wonderful maternal grandparents for not singling him out as extra special. It wasn't until he was a young adult that he realized that what our other grandparents did was actually unhealthy and inappropriate. 

[DaniLouisiana]

My youngest is trans. I admit that I had a very small bit of adjusting which my only daughter helped me with by saying, "Mama, you always wanted another boy so now you have one!  And we didn't have to maybe lose you to get him and he picked your favorite boys name!" and I have a son who is smart and wonderful and chooses all my clothes same as before.

[PennySycamore]

16 minutes ago, DaniLouisiana said:

My youngest is trans. I admit that I had a very small bit of adjusting which my only daughter helped me with by saying, "Mama, you always wanted another boy so now you have one!  And we didn't have to maybe lose you to get him and he picked your favorite boys name!" and I have a son who is smart and wonderful and chooses all my clothes same as before.

Your post reminds me of this wonderful mom that went on our bus trip to DC with her trans son.  I loved seeing how much she loved her son and how proud she was of him.

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

5 hours ago, louisa05 said:

Oh, FFS.

My paternal grandparents were obsessed with the whole "carrying on the family name" pile of steaming patriarchal bullshit.

That obsession had a very negative impact on my life as my brother was the only boy of 14 grandchildren who has the blessed family name. He was the Prince of the world. He got presents on my birthday and I got none. And that is just one example of how awful they were in favoring him over all of us.

And guess what it all came to?

My brother's only child was born to a woman he was not married to and has his mother's last name.

And my brother also has a sister and 11 living cousins who are amused by that and always will be.

Give it a rest. Names are not sacred. And daughters can pass down names if they want to. Even if they don't want to, demeaning them for their entire life over it is shitty as all hell. Even if you think you aren't, trust me, the entire topic will make them feel second class.

 

My dad is like this, he was an only child, and has 2 daughters and 1 son, and my brother was the golden child, My son, the 1st born grandson and is treated like a king.there are 5 grand kids 3 girls and 2 boys, my song is 19 & my sisters son is 6, we also both have a daughter, mine is 16 her's is 4 & 3/4 (she reminded me of the 3/4 today so I can't forget) our brother has a 4 & 3/4 year old daughter (she's 2 weeks older than our sisters daughter). My brother had a vasectomy late last year, he's 43 and decided he was too old to have any more kids. Our dad flipped out and said he HAD to have at least 1 more to try for a boy to carry on the family name.  The family name will die out with my brother, unless his daughter keeps her name.  I've toyed with the idea of changing our last name to my maiden name, because our last name is very common & my maiden name is very different, but the kids don't want to my husband is indifferent, he was never close with his father who was an abusive asshole. My dad would LOVE it if we did, because then my son could carry on his family name, but I'm afraid that would make his treatment of my son that much more out of line with how he treats the other grand kids. Sexist bastard that he is. 

[HumbleJillyMuffin]

Reading all these stories makes me so very grateful and thankful for my parents and grandparents. I'm a twin, we're both female and were the "first grandchildren" for both sets of grandparents. We were doted on and adored like modern day miracles by everyone in the family. I remember seeing a card my paternal grandmother had sent to my parents for Christmas, several months after our birth. She gushed about how these two little doll babies made her so over the moon happy and how thankful she was for my parents sharing us with her and making her life so wonderful. My maternal grandmother wasn't nearly as warm and fuzzy, but I know that she and my grandfather were thrilled to have us in their lives. My Mom still loves to tell the story of how when we were about a month old her parents came to visit our home for the day and my twin was crying and so my grandmother and mom were busy with her when suddenly they realized they hadn't heard from me or Grandpa for a while. My mom found me in grandpa's arms watching a baseball game on TV. My mom asked, "Oh, you've got Renee? Good", to which Grandpa said with a grin, "Yes, I figured she wanted to watch baseball, so here we are". 

Two years later my maternal uncle's wife had a healthy daughter, and she too was treated like a wonderful gift and treasured. A decade later his wife had another daughter, and she too was embraced with love and affection. I recall hearing my grandmother very light-heartedly teasing Grandpa then, about how he was just going to have to deal with bows and ruffles and playing tea party and he grinned and laughed. 

My paternal aunt and her husband battled infertility for 17 years before my aunt gave birth to a premature baby girl. You would have thought my aunt was the first woman to ever give birth by the way my grandparents crooned over my cousin's birth. She was the light of their lives, as were my sister and I. 

I used to ask my parents if they had ever wanted a boy to carry on the family name and they always looked me like I was nuts. In my family it truly never mattered. A healthy (or frail and clinging to life in the case of my cousin) baby was a cause for celebration and joy, sex be damned. 

Unfortunately I have seen acquaintances and friends be disappointed with the sex of their baby, which is truly heartbreaking. No child should ever feel that they are anything but treasured for who they are. 

[KelseyAnn]

Just reading all this favoritism of the males reminds me of my horrific childhood, and it is so goddamn annoying that things like that are still happening in this day and age. 

Seriously. 

I remember ruffling through piles of garbage for a can of rusty peaches to split between my sister and I while the three older boys got a full pound cheeseburger or pizza. 

Yeah, we were all abused and neglected, but the boys seemed to get the lighter end of it with just getting screamed at every now and then. 

THEY certainly never had to starve or sleep on a bug-infested floor- and all because they had a goddamn penis. 

[louisa05]

@allthegoodnamesrgone & @HumbleJillyMuffin , My dad's parents, especially his mother, truly treated my like shit for my entire life. They did not treat my two female cousins born to my dad's brother much better. But I was treated worse because (as my grandmother directly explained to me when I was somewhere around 8) they didn't want my brother to feel jealous of me or think that he wasn't more important than me. My grandfather mellowed out about it in his later years, but he died when I was 19 so it was too little too late, but my grandmother never gave it up. The last time I saw her alive, she introduced me to someone as "the Nebraska grandchild so she doesn't really count"--that being a reference to my parents moving us four states away when I was 2 and my brother was 7 in part to get away from their terrible influence on my brother. At that point, I was over 30 and had gone back with my parents for part of the holiday because my dad talked me into it since I had not seen her for several years. She was so horrible to me then that when we got in the car to leave her house, my dad immediately apologized and  informed me that as far as he was concerned I never had to go there again until her funeral. That was another 8 years, but I did never see her again. I only went for the funeral for my dad's sake. 

 

[candygirl200413]

I think this drift is so interesting! Learning about how many of your families act when it comes to carrying the last name and such. Both sides of my parents are very girl heavy, with 3 brothers on each side, and my twin brother is the only boy that "carries" the last name. My dad could give two F's about it as well as me and my sister deciding to keep our names should we get married. I've discussed it with friends who also come from very girl heavy families and we thought we should ask our partners to take our last name (progressive as we can get haha). But I can also see how people might be head strong about keeping the name in the family. I'm team do what you want.

Re-Sexism: I had a few moments growing up with my dad having sexist comments but he as well as my extended family have improved greatly in that department so I'm very thankful for that. The only favoritism is with my mom loving my twin brother due to him being the only one. But me and my sister found an interesting study that moms who have boys while they are in utero that something from the boy travels to the mom and leaves an imprint of sorts in her brain.

Link: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/male-dna-found-female-brains

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

10 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

@allthegoodnamesrgone & @HumbleJillyMuffin , My dad's parents, especially his mother, truly treated my like shit for my entire life. They did not treat my two female cousins born to my dad's brother much better. But I was treated worse because (as my grandmother directly explained to me when I was somewhere around 8) they didn't want my brother to feel jealous of me or think that he wasn't more important than me. My grandfather mellowed out about it in his later years, but he died when I was 19 so it was too little too late, but my grandmother never gave it up. The last time I saw her alive, she introduced me to someone as "the Nebraska grandchild so she doesn't really count"--that being a reference to my parents moving us four states away when I was 2 and my brother was 7 in part to get away from their terrible influence on my brother. At that point, I was over 30 and had gone back with my parents for part of the holiday because my dad talked me into it since I had not seen her for several years. She was so horrible to me then that when we got in the car to leave her house, my dad immediately apologized and  informed me that as far as he was concerned I never had to go there again until her funeral. That was another 8 years, but I did never see her again. I only went for the funeral for my dad's sake. 

 

That is just horrible, I'm sorry you had to do that.  I didn't realize so many people are STILL so obsessed with male heirs. I still think of a family that lived a few houses  down from us they had 3 daughters and when the youngest girl was born the dad had had enough and decided that she was a boy anyway gave her his name, dressed her like a boy treated her like a boy, until she went to school and they said she was a girl & couldn't use the boys bathroom. This was early to mid 80's in elementary school, so there was no even hint of gender neutrality, Poor kid was so confused, her dad pushed her one way the school pulled her another, and the kids bullied her for it. She dropped out at 16 and sadly committed suicide at 18, her sister told me later that the abuse at home had gotten so out of hand she just couldn't take it anymore.  I can't fathom how a parent/grandparent/family member could treat anyone so different because they aren't the sex they thought they should be. 

[Georgiana]

I was pushed to my mom's side of the family because I was a daughter and not a son.  Now, luckily, my mom's family has an extensive and fascinating legacy that features mostly strong women, so I never felt I was less by not being the desired heir to my father's heritage. I was PROUD to be a "S woman", and still am to this day.  But I felt the rejection from my father's side. And it made me angry.

Then around 6 it became clear I was it.  My parents later adopted my (awesome) brother and sister, but I was the only bio kid. Suddenly it was important for me to be part of my dad's side, but I wasn't having it. I was not a consolation prize.  Drove a huge wedge between my father and I for much of my childhood.

My dad and I have since reconciled, but I still don't feel like that side is "my family" in any sort of inheritance or lineage way (though I love them).  Which is funny because goodness sakes do I take after them.

I don't think I've ever talked about this before, but I'm happy to hear I'm not alone. I think it's so important to make sure we are sending our kids the right message, because I know from experience that even young kids hear the messages we send them loud and clear...and that sometimes, that can have consequences that last a lifetime. 

[Stormy]

When my parents told everyone they were having a girl (me), my paternal grandparents were openly disappointed that I wasn't a boy. (My mom got really upset with them over it.) Once I was born, though, they totally fell in love with me. When my mom got pregnant with my brother, they were bummed that they weren't having another little girl to go with me.

[HumbleJillyMuffin]

16 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

@allthegoodnamesrgone & @HumbleJillyMuffin , My dad's parents, especially his mother, truly treated my like shit for my entire life. They did not treat my two female cousins born to my dad's brother much better. But I was treated worse because (as my grandmother directly explained to me when I was somewhere around 8) they didn't want my brother to feel jealous of me or think that he wasn't more important than me. My grandfather mellowed out about it in his later years, but he died when I was 19 so it was too little too late, but my grandmother never gave it up. The last time I saw her alive, she introduced me to someone as "the Nebraska grandchild so she doesn't really count"--that being a reference to my parents moving us four states away when I was 2 and my brother was 7 in part to get away from their terrible influence on my brother. At that point, I was over 30 and had gone back with my parents for part of the holiday because my dad talked me into it since I had not seen her for several years. She was so horrible to me then that when we got in the car to leave her house, my dad immediately apologized and  informed me that as far as he was concerned I never had to go there again until her funeral. That was another 8 years, but I did never see her again. I only went for the funeral for my dad's sake. 

 

What an awful mess. It's amazing how horrible people can be when it comes to an appendage on an infant. My twin sister's husband's family never made a big deal about the sex of a child, but my BIL and his family, especially his jerk of a grandfather (he's got multiple PhDs and is a big shot in the Dutch Reformed Church here in the States) made such a huge deal about my nephew being the FIRST grandchild (and great grandchild) to be born into both families. BIL's grandfather would always bring it up to his parishioners from the pulpit in the Sundays leading up to said nephew's birth and when my nephew was born Grandpa handed my sister and BIL a rather generous check. When they had their second child almost two years later, Grandpa sent them a very generic card and didn't seem all that interested in the new arrival. 

My BIL continuously referred to my oldest nephew as my parents first grandchild, insisting that they be able to "bond" with their FIRST grandchild properly, until I finally pulled my BIL aside and said, "The way you say it makes me feel like if I ever have kids they'll be an afterthought to my parents". My parents DON'T espouse that sort of crap, but I was feeling insecure about it. I mentioned it to my mom and dad, they said that if I ever had a child it would be just as exciting to them. Thankfully my Mom also had a little meeting with my BIL and explained that in our family EVERY child is treated the same, regardless of birth order. So he got off his power trip. 

[louisa05]

7 minutes ago, Georgiana said:

I was pushed to my mom's side of the family because I was a daughter and not a son.  Now, luckily, my mom's family has an extensive and fascinating legacy that features mostly strong women, so I never felt I was less by not being the desired heir to my father's heritage. I was PROUD to be a "S woman", and still am to this day.  But I felt the rejection from my father's side. And it made me angry.

Then around 6 it became clear I was it.  My parents later adopted my (awesome) brother and sister, but I was the only bio kid. Suddenly it was important for me to be part of my dad's side, but I wasn't having it. I was not a consolation prize.  Drove a huge wedge between my father and I for much of my childhood.

My dad and I have since reconciled, but I still don't feel like that side is "my family" in any sort of inheritance or lineage way (though I love them).  Which is funny because goodness sakes do I take after them.

I don't think I've ever talked about this before, but I'm happy to hear I'm not alone. I think it's so important to make sure we are sending our kids the right message, because I know from experience that even young kids hear the messages we send them loud and clear...and that sometimes, that can have consequences that last a lifetime. 

The situation for my brother and me was bad for both of us. It made him feel left out by our maternal grandparents merely because he was treated the same as everyone else (and our maternal grandparents worked hard to treat everyone equally--we got the same presents at certain ages, for example--Bibles at 7, watches at 9...same amount of money for b-days and such). And it made him feel superior to me and our cousins on the paternal side. For me, it didn't just impact my relationship with my grandparents, but it also hurt my relationships with the rest of the family. My grandmother tried to make sure I was left out by the cousins when we visited because they were all only supposed to like/ be close to my brother since he was the most important grandchild. It is only since she died that I have felt connected to any of my paternal cousins or even my aunts and uncles. Since we stayed at our grandparents' house when we visited, evil grandma had a lot of control over the tone of visits and successfully disrupted any connections we had until she was gone. 

I was, honestly, shocked by the support and love from my paternal cousins when my dad was sick with cancer and when he died. I had never felt close enough to them before and didn't expect that so many of them would reach out to me.