Miss Raquel's 2nd Novel - Part 3

[ladyamylynn]

I had to share this- the office manager at my work is a little older than Raquel but on about the same maturity level. Here's an email she just sent my team:

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That's legittttt, thanks to you all!

[desertvixen]

 

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@formergothardite

Raquel doesn't want a baby, she wants photo opportunities and a Pinterest child. 

Bingo.  And a Pinterest wedding to a Pinterest guy.

[Shoobydoo]

Oh, Raquel. Raquel Raquel Raquel. She's turning into a crazy old lady already and she's only what, 21?

[clueliss]

She tweeted today that she almost retweeted something about being a teen and had to remind herself she was not a teen anymore (or something like that).

That explains so much.   

[formergothardite]

Conversation at my house this morning.

Me: Honey, does my very essence send chills down your spine?

Husband: ~gives me odd look~

Me: Do you quake at the sound of my voice and tremble at my touch?

Husband: Pretty sure that we would be in an abusive relationship if I was trembling and quaking every time you came around. What are you reading? 

Me: This is important! Do you fear my love with high regard?!!! 

Husband: Seriously, what the hell are you reading?

It was Miss Raquel's latest post on love, of course.   Miss Raquel needs to put down the romance novels.

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The chaotic storm that resides in her brain, the raging seas in her veins, the ever constant flutter of her heart, amidst it all, she decides to be with you. 
Her soul is a strange and beautiful one. 
She can be fierce, yet gentle. 
Strong, yet humble. 
She can make you feels things and take you places you have never been before

Raquel needs to focus less on being a super special chaotic storm and more on being an adult. 

[Terrie]

From her twitter:

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"When I call on Jesus, all things are possible. I can mount on wings like eagles and sore..."

Of course you're sore. Wings are meant to be mounted.

[OnceUponATime]

21 minutes ago, Terrie said:

Of course you're sore. Wings are meant to be mounted.

That is a misspelled quote from a song (Nicole C. Mullen - Call on Jesus). It most likely a really bad mangling of Isaiah 40:31.

[Grimalkin]

I found these on Goodreads quoted from the daily blowhole. I keep expecting to see her write things like " she felt his manhood stiffen and rise at her embrace" 

 

 

10> His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.

9> Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar,
oblivious to the remora of Annabelle’s adoring gaze.

8> Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.

7> Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.

6> With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.

5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.

4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. “Starbuck!” I cried.

3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

Number 1 bad Romance novel metaphor or simile…

1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.

[ChairmanMeow]

Raquel is becoming my favorite soap opera! Who needs cable when you have this drama?

My thoughts:

1. That stupid forearm tattoo is something I expect to see on the show Tattoo Nightmares.

2. On that note - King and queen matching tattoos, I can't even...just no.

3. I could see her becoming quite abusive herself in a relationship, let alone attracting men who are looking for someone to isolate and treat like crap.

4. How has no one sued or threatened to sue Raquel for breach of copyright?

 

I wrote a lengthy Facebook status the other day, does that make me a writer too?

[formergothardite]

4 minutes ago, ChairmanMeow said:

wrote a lengthy Facebook status the other day, does that make me a writer too

Look at my post count, I AM the wielder of words!  

[Terrie]

If I smack someone with a dictionary, am I a wielder of words?

[formergothardite]

For all the people who don't want to wade through four minutes of Raquel giggling and playing with her hair, this is what happened.

Raquel and her brother went on a road trip, which in this case meant they drove to a wedding and stayed at a friend's house. The family they were staying with had a older son who Raquel had never met, but she walked in on him standing in the bathroom. He wasn't using it, he was just standing there, but he slammed the door in her face when she just kept standing there staring at him. Raquel gives herself a lot of credit because she feels like this guy didn't attend the wedding because this happened. I'm guessing that he was never planning on attending the wedding. She is now(of course) super good friends with this guy, but she has never brought this whole event up or asked about it. 

[Curious]

17 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

but he slammed the door in her face when she just kept standing there staring at him.

I'm slam the door on someone I didn't know just standing in a hallway staring at me, regardless of the room I was in.  She's really creepy.

[clueliss]

I Jill'd yesterday so Raqueling was out of the question.  (There isn't enough metal music videos in the world to enable me to watch both of them in one day).

In other observatons I noticed  among the ask.fms and the retweets of things that made her ovaries explode the following.    

 

Oooh harsh language there from the weilder of words who blogs about purity and Jesus.

[refugee]

3 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

Number 1 bad Romance novel metaphor or simile…

Good god, child, wash your mouth out with soap! (And I'm not talking about smut, I'm talking about the horrible writing.)

Aargh. You found these... actual existing samples out of real books? You didn't make them up out of your own head for a "bad writing" or "purple prose" contest?

Yikes.

Raquel pales by comparison. I think. I haven't read much of her blog -- I can only take her in small amounts, like the amount that might be quoted in a comment here.

2 hours ago, formergothardite said:

Raquel and her brother went on a road trip, which in this case meant they drove to a wedding and stayed at a friend's house. The family they were staying with had a older son who Raquel had never met, but she walked in on him standing in the bathroom. He wasn't using it, he was just standing there, but he slammed the door in her face when she just kept standing there staring at him. Raquel gives herself a lot of credit because she feels like this guy didn't attend the wedding because this happened. I'm guessing that he was never planning on attending the wedding. She is now(of course) super good friends with this guy, but she has never brought this whole event up or asked about it.

Somehow this sounds eerily familiar. Could this be the germination of the pseudo-erotic story she wrote about some guy and a hoodie? (Or was there more than one story with those characteristics.)

[ViolaSebastian]

4 hours ago, formergothardite said:

[respectfully snipped]

Raquel and her brother went on a road trip, which in this case meant they drove to a wedding and stayed at a friend's house. The family they were staying with had a older son who Raquel had never met, but she walked in on him standing in the bathroom. He wasn't using it, he was just standing there, but he slammed the door in her face when she just kept standing there staring at him. Raquel gives herself a lot of credit because she feels like this guy didn't attend the wedding because this happened. I'm guessing that he was never planning on attending the wedding. She is now(of course) super good friends with this guy, but she has never brought this whole event up or asked about it. 

Giirrrl, if that is your most embarrassing moment, you wouldn't even begin to comprehend some of mine. For example: I had a male relative whom I walked in on, pants unzipped, actually using the restroom. It was very embarrassing, and to take matters worse, he passed away about two weeks later, so it's the last memory I have of him. And why the hell didn't she say "oh, excuse me" and walk away like a normal person?

 

[Anonymousguest]

That's her most embarrassing moment? Either she's minimizing the story because of embarrassment, or she's really been lucky. One of my most embarrassing moments as a teen was helping back stage during a school production. I was to help the lead guy get changed quickly between scenes. He was wearing the clothes for one scene under the other and I ran up to him, got on my knees and pulled his pants down, only I pulled down both layers of costume and was face to face with his bits. Fortunately it was dark, and he literally had only 10 seconds between scenes so I just yanked them back up and he went on. Unfortunately someone saw it happen and I was called by the guy's nickname, which was given for his rumoured sizable manhood, for months (whispered to me as I was passed I the hall, or chanted at pep rallies). We later dated. I haven't heard from him since high school, but that story still comes up during the very in frequent visits with old high school friends, and it's been 30yrs. 

[Shoobydoo]

@Grimalkin I adore you. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Raquel could actually get work ghost-writing for ebook mills. The pay sucks, but there's an unlimited amount of work and the bar is very, very low. 

I can one-up her bathroom story. One time I was going to the bathroom at school and nearly crashed into a person I am only vaguely acquainted with. I then walked into the same bathroom they had just left. Turns out, I completely forgot that that guy was trans, and I walked into the boy's bathroom. Thank god there was nobody in there, because that would have been AMAZINGLY difficult to explain. 

Hell, I think most people could easily one-up that bathroom story...

[AmazonGrace]

If that was embarrassing I wonder what Raquel would have said if this happened to her:

Once I was looking for a place at the university and couldn't find it and went through lots of doors until I walked in on a guy who was giving a sperm sample to the anatomy lab. I quickly closed the door and went on looking. The corridors all looked similar so after a while I accidentally walked in on the same guy AGAIN.. (I don't understand why the door wasn't locked.)

[Terrie]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

If that was embarrassing I wonder what Raquel would have said if this happened to her:

Once I was looking for a place at the university and couldn't find it and went through lots of doors until I walked in on a guy who was giving a sperm sample to the anatomy lab. I quickly closed the door and went on looking. The corridors all looked similar so after a while I accidentally walked in on the same guy AGAIN.. (I don't understand why the door wasn't locked.)

You win.

[ChairmanMeow]

Ya'll don't understand it was ROMANTIC...until he didn't attend the wedding, because of course, weddings are high on an older boys to-do list... 

 

[formergothardite]

According to her twitter she was at work and a police officer came in and she asked him to dance with her to Justin Bieber. He declined. She is desperate for attention. 

[Curious]

2 hours ago, formergothardite said:

According to her twitter she was at work and a police officer came in and she asked him to dance with her to Justin Bieber. He declined. She is desperate for attention. 

*blink* *blink* What is wrong with her?   I mean if it was someone she was friendly with..maybe.  It seems very disrespectful to the police officer to do that in a coffee shop.  She has very little respect for other people.

[Marshmallow World]

5 hours ago, formergothardite said:

According to her twitter she was at work and a police officer came in and she asked him to dance with her to Justin Bieber. He declined. She is desperate for attention. 

Spoiler

(To be clear, this is directed toward Raquel.)

 

[December]

6 hours ago, formergothardite said:

According to her twitter she was at work and a police officer came in and she asked him to dance with her to Justin Bieber. He declined. She is desperate for attention. 

If it actually happened, it sounds like a failed attempt to bring some rom-com scene to life. And a good way to put off customers. Couldn't she just have offered him a free cup of coffee like many places do for on duty police officers?