Miss Raquel's Second Novel- Part 2

[Terrie]

Why do I suspect she recently read The Fifth Wave or a similar novel?

[formergothardite]

5 minutes ago, Terrie said:

Why do I suspect she recently read The Fifth Wave or a similar novel?

I can't find it, but right when the Divergent became popular she wrote the first part of a story that was pretty much a copy of Divergent. 

She had a whole series about all the books she was writing. She has started a lot of books. 

[AmazonGrace]

22 minutes ago, OnceUponATime said:

Some drug lord from the previous generation purposely built it away from civilization so the cops couldn't notice the comings and goings so much. Or it might have been a warehouse from some chemical factory which would otherwise have been poisoning the people. Or CDC stored anthrax in it.., Or it was some paranoid guys fall out shelter, which is more likely because apparently it was well-stocked, there were abandoned shopping carts (wait, what?) and it had a parking lot. Walmart wanted to be in the middle of nowhere.

Actually nope, nothing makes sense there.
 

 

In the middle of nowhere with loads of abandoned cars. Who abandoned them? Did the monsters crush the owners? Why didn't they crush the cars? 

I worry that when Shadrach and The Girl go sightseeing over the hills they will miss seeing when the leaders leave and then they'll have no idea where to go. 

But I'm glad he is so capable as somehow The Girl helped everyone else pack and left the warehouse with nothing to her name. We have seen what happened to the Oregon occupiers who forgot snacks.

[nausicaa]

On 2/7/2016 at 0:28 PM, Terrie said:

Raquel is every embarrassing impulse and whim of our youth that we want to forget, and she's proud of it.Ugh.

This is the best description of Raquel I've ever read and really think it should go into her "Who's Who" description.

[AmazonGrace]

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 I knew my mom and brother were more than likely safely outside already so I just worried about myself and helping others.

I think they're not a particularly close family. Mom wasn't with her brother when they met outside. So did Mom just up and leave without making sure that her kids are safe from mind eating monsters? Is she perhaps still in the warehouse, frantically searching for her two kids, neither of whom spares a further thought for her. 

[clueliss]

I just started 5th Wave on Audio.  
 

and okay, ya'll asked for it.  I'm taking a break from the Raquel archive to give you a taste of my critique style.  (and my head hurts, I should be working but, well, my head hurts).  I would prefer to either do this with pen and paper or in a word file where I can insert comments.  But here goes:

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They were coming for us.  They were closer than they had been the day before.

The warehouse was full of refugees from the entire state who had come to seek shelter and protection from the hoard of overtaking monsters.

Really - try one paragraph.  Oh and this does not meet the WB Airport Test.  (WB is a published author friend of mine from KC.  He rocks.  Airport test is:  You're at the airport.  You need something to read.  They're calling your flight.  You have 30 seconds (or less) to make a decision.  Is this the book you're going to buy or are you moving on to the next one).  

Also - Monsters.  Bland.  Generic.  Describe.  In detail.  Animal?  Vegetable?  Mineral?  From Earth or Alien?  I could go on (and on and ...)

Quote

Yes, monsters.  We had no other name for them.  Honestly, none of us had even seen one up close.  They're huge enough to see from a distance and the few we've seen, we've been able to take down pretty quickly.

How much Sci Fi have you read (or watched)?  Because EVERYONE names the monster.  EVERYONE.  Furthermore your readers need a monster name.  Yes, really.  (Skitters, Toasters, Skin Jobs, Bugs....)

Oh and you're oh so scared but only seen a few?  Really?  

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But now, there was more than just a few.  And we would be squished like bugs in this warehouse if we stayed for much longer.

And we jump.  In time.  In a paragraph because now it is more than a few.  PICK!  a few?  Many?  Please work on the opening narration (but from my experience, finish the danged thing and then go back and fix the beginning because your opening is probably some place further in after you the author have settled into the narration - don't tell me but it's first person - because you aren't quite there yet).

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"Everyone to the parking lot! Grab a car if you can and drive to the west side of the city! If you can't, just start walking!"

the attribution for who is speaking is on the next line.  And (thank WB for my picking at this one) THE LEADER needs a name.  It is a leader.  Presumably the leader of whoever is telling the story.  They would know who the leader is.  Leader needs a name.  Be specific.  (and yes, I see that it is over a speaker.  It is a leader, Leader needs a name.)

Oh and do you realize that telling a random group of people to run to a parking lot, pick a vehicle and go is a recipe for disaster?  Leaders give plans.  X/Y/Z drive vans/trucks/buses preferably full ones.  So people don't get left behind.

Quote

The announcement from one of the leaders came over the loud speaker and chaos immediately ensued.  Family's were huddling their children together and gathering bags.  Others started grabbing whatever supplies they could find or wanted from the many warehouse shelves. I quickly ran through the aisles, helping whoever I could.  I knew my mom and brother were more than likely safely outside already so I just worried about myself and helping others.

Going to pick on a few phrases here because, well, I can.  Also going to attempt to point out what is wrong without breaking my personal rule about not rewriting other people's stuff (because it annoys me when others do it in a critique - let me know if you want to know why I can explain in more detail).  

Family's - poessive?  really? Try a plural

were huddling - EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  meh meh meh.  Active.  Kill the were, change the verb tense.

started grabbing (????)  kill started, they either grab or they don't.  They are panicked and afraid.  Grab and go.  Whatever supplies blah blah blah.  The wording here gives NO sense of immediacy, or urgency.  But I can probably blame this on the leader not leading (how can he/she/it lead, it doesn't even have a name - told you WB rocks).

I (We finally get to the chance to identify the narrator - which, since I've written first person - is, indeed a challenge).  Who am I?   This is your chance to connect us to the narrator.  (By the way 5th wave does this with a whole bit about not liking her name).   oh and mom/bro more than likely outside?  I am not worried?  panicked?  afraid?  why?  Needs emotion.  Show don't tell.  Where are the emotions.

 

this is where I more or less stopped reading so it's where I'm stopping now.  

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

In the middle of nowhere with loads of abandoned cars. Who abandoned them? Did the monsters crush the owners? Why didn't they crush the cars? 

I worry that when Shadrach and The Girl go sightseeing over the hills they will miss seeing when the leaders leave and then they'll have no idea where to go. 

But I'm glad he is so capable as somehow The Girl helped everyone else pack and left the warehouse with nothing to her name. We have seen what happened to the Oregon occupiers who forgot snacks.

continuing my critique with this bit.  THE GIRL needs a name.  Even if it is Red, or Blondie, or Freckles, or Scar - NAME!  

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

 

continuing my critique with this bit.  THE GIRL needs a name.  Even if it is Red, or Blondie, or Freckles, or Scar - NAME!  

 

may I suggest Comprehend? 

[Georgiana]

Maybe the reason the narrator isn't telling her name is because in her camp there is a prettier girl with the same name and now none of the camp boys will pay attention to our narrator.  Our noble narrator is probably on a quest to think up a new name so that she can win them back!

[clueliss]

6 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

may I suggest Comprehend? 

Yes please.  (I may be half blind at the moment)

[AmazonGrace]

The third book in the "I Cannot" trilogy is about the brave heroine Spell Winters. 

[clueliss]

Oh.  And I may actually write like Raquel has posted.  In a first draft.  Which I barely let the Feline Headship look at.  Because I am an underwriter who goes back to layer details in.  And I know what some of my critique buddies will say if they see some of the sparse stuff I've written (such as WB telling me the waitress at the diner needs a name - and that is a mental conversation I had with self related to something I've written that WB has not seen). 

 

[AmazonGrace]

 

 Raquel has the first part of what makes a good writer, as she seems to love writing, but there seems to be a shortage of ruthless feedback and editing. She blogged something about editing a while back: 

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Being a writer entails erasers and the 'delete' button.  We write, we edit, we criticize our thoughts on paper.  It happens.  But don't let the editing be longer than the writing.  And don't always allow yourself to reword things.  Sometimes, the best way to say it is the first time you do.

It depends on the quality of the first draft I'd say... If there is a lot to process,  there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking more time to edit than  it took to write the first draft. It takes longer if there are both grammar and spelling mistakes and plot issues take the longest to fix.. It's often a mistake to fall in love with one's own words so you think there can't possibly be a better way to say it than whatever popped in your head the first time. 

I haven't been writing stories in a long time but I had a fierce reviewer who wouldn't let anything slip past him and while it was quite embarrassing to see the stupid things I wrote in another person's eyes, and I really hated parting with some of the writing that I thought brilliant, the stories became so much better after incorporating his feedback. 

[Terrie]

I once knew a writing teacher who commented that the more you loved a particular turn of phrase, the more likely is was that it needed to go. 

[clueliss]

I was in a creative writing workshop (for credit class at a junior college that required 10 pages/week for 15 weeks of class) where one guy in the class had monetary values assigned to certain words.  A list that I think started with forms of 'to be' and went from there.  Find yourself using the same terms over and over you have to go after them.   Critique partners are good for this, they see things you don't.  

[Firiel]

Well.  That was excruciating to read.

 

[formergothardite]

She posted an instagram video of her and the maybe-not-ex-boyfriend singing/beat boxing together. Why isn't he wearing a shirt? 

 

 

[ari_belle]

I refuse to read any new Raquel "novel" unless it has a penis ferret in it.

[salex]

2 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

may I suggest Comprehend? 

I was leaning toward naming the girl  Miss Vapid Illprepared....

18 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

She posted an instagram video of her and the maybe-not-ex-boyfriend singing/beat boxing together. Why isn't he wearing a shirt? 

 

 

Why does he have Tonya Ferguseon's hair?

[xRoo]

Ryan loves to be shirtless. Lol.

[clueliss]

Hmmm well she doesn't describe the 'monsters'  maybe they're really penis ferrets?

[xRoo]

3 minutes ago, clueliss said:

Hmmm well she doesn't describe the 'monsters'  maybe they're really penis ferrets?

Haha! Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Rereading with this in mind, now...

[Anonymousguest]

8 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

What's up with Noah? The smirking and laughing brother? Didn't anyone tell him that they're fleeing from a scary hoard [sic] of huge mind eating monsters? Is this really a good time to go sightseeing with a guy? Furthermore, why isn't anyone telling us if he's hot or not?

Noah is Raquel's brother.

[refugee]

4 minutes ago, Anonymousguest said:

Noah is Raquel's brother.

I wonder if she's mad at him for something.

ETA (I mean, she's writing this "fictional" Noah and his friend as stupid, selfish, insensitive jerks.)

[xRoo]

The wielder of words has put her brother in one of her proses. He better be scurred.

[salex]

31 minutes ago, xRoo said:

The wielder of words has put her brother in one of her proses. He better be scurred.

"I suppose that I should address the fact that the protagonist’s classmates in “Creative-Writing Beatdown” all have the same names as you. A lot of you were upset by that, but I assure you that it was entirely coincidental. I guess when I was coming up with names for the people in the fictional creative-writing class, I subconsciously drew from my experience in this creative-writing class. That was not deliberate. I was just as surprised as you when I realized that the beatdown victims in the story shared your names, and your general physical descriptions."  Apparntly The NewYorker had her pegged...