Miss Raquel's Second Novel- Part 2

[Sera's Arrow]

I wrote a story like "The Stained Hoodie" years ago when I was a teen. Sure, it was set after the Civil War and the man returning from deployment was killed in battle and the woman in it was interacting with his ghost. She also married another man and he was hella bloodthirsty and resentful. Then there was murder, lots of murder and the only stains were red.  Feh, I suck at romance. This is why I never attempt to write it.

It was inspired by my interest in US history and by an R.L Stine novel I read once. There was similar simpering behaviour in the female lead, similar "oh my, I'm all a'flutter!" reactions to really red-flag dialogue and actions that the male lead did and similar language which seemed to flow when I wrote it but upon re-reading, it was choppy and unnatural.

I burned that story with many of my other older scribblings when I had the chance. It was bad and I felt ashamed of it.

[Shoobydoo]

I can see having a favorite sweater or something that you "stole" from your SO. I have a sweater that "belongs" to my SO that I wear almost year round, partly because men's sweaters are giant and comfortable and partly because it makes me feel better when I'm stressed out (and BOY was early 2015 stressful). Thing is, though, we've been together for like... 7 years? Fetishizing the clothing of someone you barely know is... more than a little creepy. It sounds like something out of a program about stalkers on TV. Rachel REALLY has a hoodie fetish.

[ari_belle]

9 hours ago, December said:

I was split 50/50 between the awkward crotch angle and how the black and white filter made it look like someone Photoshopped a baby's face onto a woman's body. 

Also, I didn't realize that hoodies were supposed to be so titillating. 

That's what I saw too. Except my brain didn't process it that way I guess, so I thought I saw a very strange, very real monster face on a woman's body.

[LilMissMetaphor]

I'm going to pretend Raquel actually wants to improve her writing instead of brain-dumping fantasies onto paper, and offer some concrit...

Content-free sap aside, what most needs to be worked on is the dialogue.  Guys, especially teenage guys, don't use words like "blemish" or say that anyone is "flawlessly beautiful". Nor does anyone of any gender say: "I was supposed to come tell you that breakfast is ready" or "Please tell your mom I'll be down soon."  They are talking, not sending an office memo.  And, if the girl is going to say, "oh hi, oh sorry, oh okay" three times in a row, the least she could do is have an internal thought process of how idiotic she sounds saying the same thing all the time, that would actually make her seem somewhat relatable.

 

 

 

[clueliss]

She works in a coffee joint.  She needs to learn to eavesdrop on natural conversation.  Study the patterns.  Listen to the words and grammar.  And I say this as someone who used to go to the movies every Friday after work, sit in the theater then either (pretend/try to) read or scribble in my writer's notebook (hey it was almost 20 years ago) and listened to people around me talk.  Food courts, restaurants, work - all places to study dialogue.  

[Terrie]

Of course, if your dialogue is straight dictation, that doesn't work either. People mangle the flow of their thoughts, insert a billion ums, yeahs and other awkward moments. Read books, listen to movies, listen to the radio. Pay attention to the flow, the pauses, and the word choice.Pick up Guys and Dolls, where the writers deliberately had people speak in a stylized manner not found in real life.What does that add to the setting, and tell us about the characters? What would change if they used a more natural speaking pattern?

It all comes down to paying attention. And Raquel, as we all know, is not capable of that.

(And the only time I've ever heard the phrase "flawless beauty" is the old Hayley Mills move "The Trouble with Angels" by an overly dramatic character)

[clueliss]

Flawless Beauty sounds like the name of a concealer or makeup brand.

[salex]

1 hour ago, clueliss said:

Flawless Beauty sounds like the name of a concealer or makeup brand.

http://flawlessbeautyskin.net/   

 

Yep

 

 

[sea_gale]

Oh man, I just started a mildly stressful new job and this latest "fictional" is like a beautiful gift to me. I have to admit "recently come back from deployment" suggests "PTSD" to me more than it does "sexayyyy" but that's probably because I'm a loathesome librul leftbot. The kind who felt a bit sick seeing her latest slew of transphobic RTs. Ugh...

[ari_belle]

In this day and age, the only time I hear the word "flawless" is when people are talking about Beyoncé.

[Loveday]

10 hours ago, Terrie said:

Of course, if your dialogue is straight dictation, that doesn't work either. People mangle the flow of their thoughts, insert a billion ums, yeahs and other awkward moments. Read books, listen to movies, listen to the radio. Pay attention to the flow, the pauses, and the word choice.Pick up Guys and Dolls, where the writers deliberately had people speak in a stylized manner not found in real life.What does that add to the setting, and tell us about the characters? What would change if they used a more natural speaking pattern?

It all comes down to paying attention. And Raquel, as we all know, is not capable of that.

(And the only time I've ever heard the phrase "flawless beauty" is the old Hayley Mills move "The Trouble with Angels" by an overly dramatic character)

Rachel Devery! Or, as Hayley Mills christened her, 'Fleur de Lys.'

 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

I walked to the room I was staying in to grab a hoodie. I had spent the night at a family friend's house after a bonfire they'd hosted the night before. And this September morning was kind of chilly.
    I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair needed some help. Letting my messy bun down, I shook my hair out and felt pleased with the messy waviness.

So it's early morning, before the breakfast, and she just walks into her room at this family friend's house, with messy hair, and feeling smug, in order to get dressed. Just where did she spend the night, doing what, with whom? 

Quote

"Come in."
    "Oh sorry."

What is he apologizing for? She asked him in. Sorry, I'm going to sexually assault you shortly? 

Quote

  I raised an eyebrow at myself in the mirror. 

Hot Boy is at her door and she interacts with her own mirror image. 

Quote

I'd known this family for years but this son had just recently come back from deployment. He was like a totally different person.

My mind went to "damaged forever by PTSD" instead of "hotter than ever". 

 

Quote

"Is there something else you needed to tell me?" I asked, facing the mirror again.

She talks to the mirror so much she must be Snowwhite's wicked stepmother. 

Quote

 I was about to slide my hoodie over my head when I caught sight of a little white stain.  I turned my back slightly towards the mirror to get a better view of it.  It looked like a smudge of dried paint.
    Probably from painting the porch last week, I thought to myself, remembering that I had worn this shirt that day.
    "Uh, no," he finally answered. "What's wrong?"
    He must've seen my slight frown as I tried reaching the paint smudge on my back.
    "I can't reach that little stain," I said, my arm bent awkwardly behind me.

How did the smudge end up on her back as it appears she hasn't put on the hoodie yet, was only about to?
   

And why does she need to touch the stain? If it's paint from last week it's well and truly dried by now and can't be removed by herself or hot soldierboy touching it. 

[Shoobydoo]

A much more natural interaction would be to simply ask the hot guy if she has paint on her back. She could even ask him to try to get the paint off for her. That's what I would do, and it would involve the characters actually talking to each other, as well as give hottie mchotterson as excuse to come into the room and start touching her.

Or like, take the hoodie back off. 

And yeah, the complete lack of a concrete timeline for the simplest of actions in this driving me nuts. Catching those inconsistencies is one of many, many thing editing is for.

[AmazonGrace]

 

 

[Shoobydoo]

Okay yeah but am I the only one who thinks Bieber looked like he escaped from rehab somewhere at the Grammys? Either that or he's being forced to go to church with his grandma.

Seriously. Go shave, kid. You look like a teenager who hasn't showered in three weeks. Some of those dresses didn't really even count as clothing and at least one looked like a giant sock, and you still look worse than all of them...

 

Pic from commentary on the awesome blog omgthatdress.tumblr.com. Go look there for more pictures of the nutty stuff people were wearing.

 

[nastyhobbitses]

5 minutes ago, Shoobydoo said:

Okay yeah but am I the only one who thinks Bieber looked like he escaped from rehab somewhere at the Grammys? Either that or he's being forced to go to church with his grandma.

Seriously. Go shave, kid. You look like a teenager who hasn't showered in three weeks. Some of those dresses didn't really even count as clothing and at least one looked like a giant sock, and you still look worse than all of them...

 

Pic from commentary on the awesome blog omgthatdress.tumblr.com. Go look there for more pictures of the nutty stuff people were wearing.

 

I never thought I'd see the day when looking like the edgiest bad boy at the 8th grade spring dance would be trendy.

[clueliss]

At least he's not wearing the mc hammer pants with the skinny jean legs in that pic.  

and dang it @AmazonGrace I'm giggling up a storm over the mirror/wicked stepmother crack.

[Terrie]

Quote

He was like a totally different person.

I keep  reading this in Valley Girl voice. "He was, like, a totally different person." 

[Walking Cat Bed]

On 2/20/2016 at 9:45 PM, ari_belle said:

In this day and age, the only time I hear the word "flawless" is when people are talking about Beyoncé.

I mean, I've taken a post-massage selfie and captioned it "flawless" -- because I have *serious* massage hair.

 

Like, post-nap-toddler hair.

[AmazonGrace]

Raquel wants to start a vlog. 

[formergothardite]

2 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Raquel wants to start a vlog. 

I want her to start one too because it will be all kinds of awesome. 

[nausicaa]

33 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

I want her to start one too because it will be all kinds of awesome. 

A post-break up Raquel vlog. 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

I hope you fall in love with someone who will challenge you to prove your point.

I hope you fall in love with someone who will make you question what you believe - not because they're right and you're wrong, but because iron sharpens iron.

I hope you fall in love with someone who will call you out on your selfishness, your pride, and your bitterness.

Any bets how it would go if Raquel's boyfriend said she's selfish and wrong?

[Terrie]

Well, she does say "I hope you...." not "I hope I..." Personally, my ideal person is the sort who is willing to volunteer to do the dishes, because they knows I hate it.

[Paperplate]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Any bets how it would go if Raquel's boyfriend said she's selfish and wrong?

 Raquel hopes WE fall in love with someone who calls us out on our crap. For Raquel herself, as always, there's a different set of rules.

 

Raquel hopes to fall in love with someone who will agree with every point she makes. Because she's right.

Raquel hopes to fall in love with someone who will let her question what he believes. Raquel doesn't need to question anything. Her beliefs are right.

Raquel hopes to fall in love with someone who will be ok with her calling him out on everything while she never has to take any criticism.

Raquel hopes to fall in love with someone who will forgive her for every fight she picks and who will be up for some make-up action afterwards.