Nie.Nie seems to be having a breakdown

[Clementine]

Wasn't there an article in Salon about the Mormon mommy blogger phenomenon and how a lot of working women/WOHMs read them with a sort of envious feeling? I have to admit I do read a few.

There's one non-prominent Mormon mommy blogger who is local to me - they met at BYU (both graduated), she hasn't worked since their first kid was born while he was in grad school, the husband is a medical resident, they own a cute house in a fairly affluent area (i.e. you're not buying a starter house for under $250-300K), they've done fertility treatments several times, and have several kids with another on the way. Their house looks like something out of a design magazine, they did some substantial and expensive-looking remodeling when they moved in, and she and the kids are all fashionably clothed and do fun activities. I know for a fact that I alone earn more than this blogger's husband, yet when I look at our basic expenses (mortgage, small student loan, one modest car loan and the other paid-for, food for 2 adults and 1 toddler, etc. ) and subtracting child care and commuting costs for one of us, there is absolutely no way that this family can live the way they do without substantial financial help from their parents.

There is a sense of the grass being greener - that lifestyle seems pretty damned idyllic to a stressed-out WOHM whose house is a comparative disaster, whose kid wears clothes from the consignment store, whose only "Mommy and Me" activity is a weekly swim lesson at the YMCA, and whose own hobbies and interests have completely fallen by the wayside due to lack of time. Part of me would love to live that lifestyle; hell, who wouldn't like to not work and have nice things? Then I remember that these people are my age and are still mooching off of mommy and daddy and/or going into substantial personal debt all in the name of avoiding Evil Daycare. That the rate of antidepressant use among Mormon women is sky high. That this woman probably feels immense pressure to appear to have the perfect All-American family.

I suspect that with the big Mormon mommy bloggers like NieNie, a lot of readers get sucked in by the nature of their stories. With NieNie there seems to be some revisionism of how the plane accident happened and what her husband's actions were, along with an apparent lack of caring about the husband of the man who DIED because of a poorly maintained plane and an inexperienced pilot. And now she's having a super dramatical pregnancy (that she probably shouldn't have attempted). It just seems really over the top that NieNie wants to make her blog a showpiece rather than a real reflection of her life.

Oh, I used to read that blog (I think...) but lost the link. It's the family on the East Coast, the dad is a bald doctor (called Mr G or something in the blog) and the whole family looks like they just walked out of a Antropologie commercial? They are friends of NieNie. Is that the same blog?

They look like they have a very comfortable life and I sort of thought that medical residents make waaaaay more in the US than here.

Here's the article in Salon, very spot-on:

http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/ ... rmon_blogs

[VVV]

Most Mormons are no more anti-psychiatry than anyone else and it is a fact that Utah has a very high rate of anti-depressant use so clearly there are a lot of people there who aren't relying on prayer. I know of at least one prominent Mormon psychiatrist from a very devout family. For that matter, only a small subset of Christians are anti-psychiatry, at least in my experience.

Getting back to the OP, I can't stand to read Nie.Nie's blog because of the incessant whining/bragging and the extremely cute references to Mr. N, not to mention the annoying line breaks.

[let-them-eat-cake]

I admire that she has gotten through such pain and goes on to live life as normally as possible. However, after reading through things, I must admit that I don't like Nie Nie. I would think she would have a "lucky to be alive" feeling, but instead she thinks that she is owed the world for her trials and suffering. Having 80% of your body burned must be unimaginable horror and pain, but at the same time, there are people that live their entire lives in horror and pain. At the end of the day, she goes (to a very lovely) home to her husband and kids and lives a generally cushy life. Yet all she can do is praddle on and on about how anything she says or does cannot be refuted because her life is so tragic and she deserves it.

[Patsy]

One thing I did not know before reading this thread that astounds me is her cavalier attitude to safety. She was all 'lol, plane won't crash', and then it crashed and someone died and the other someones were hospitalised with horrific injuries for months, that they will never fully recover from? But her kids don't wear bike helmets, seat belts or life vests on boats? And she basically mocks people for being concerned? Ugh.

Yeah, from the little I've seen (never felt the 'train wreck' pull to watch her after I'd got an initial impression), I have a LOT of sympathy for her health, but I wouldn't like her as a person at all, for a number of reasons.

[Black Aliss]

One thing I did not know before reading this thread that astounds me is her cavalier attitude to safety. She was all 'lol, plane won't crash', and then it crashed and someone died and the other someones were hospitalised with horrific injuries for months, that they will never fully recover from? But her kids don't wear bike helmets, seat belts or life vests on boats? And she basically mocks people for being concerned? Ugh.

I lived in Salt Lake City for many years, and the cavalier attitude to safety seems to be a cultural thing. I never could figure out if it was based on anti-government sentiment (Don't tell ME what to do!) or a misplaced faith in God's ability to take care of them, or the idea that there's "plenty more where these kids came from." But they think nothing of letting a 6 YO drive an ATV, or letting their many kids bounce around unsecured in the family mini-van. Not surprisingly, Utah is the primary source for pediatric donor organs in this country.

[dirtyhippiegirl]

Its been a while since I've flown but..

They might have a case against the company that rented the plane. That type of engine wear would not be visible during a routine preflight and contributed to the crash.

I was practicing stalls 8one day with my instructor and accidentally put the plane into a spin. Talk about your life flashing before your eyes...

[desertvixen]

Part of me would love to live that lifestyle; hell, who wouldn't like to not work and have nice things? Then I remember that these people are my age and are still mooching off of mommy and daddy and/or going into substantial personal debt all in the name of avoiding Evil Daycare.

[treemom]

One thing I did not know before reading this thread that astounds me is her cavalier attitude to safety. She was all 'lol, plane won't crash', and then it crashed and someone died and the other someones were hospitalised with horrific injuries for months, that they will never fully recover from? But her kids don't wear bike helmets, seat belts or life vests on boats? And she basically mocks people for being concerned? Ugh.

Yeah, from the little I've seen (never felt the 'train wreck' pull to watch her after I'd got an initial impression), I have a LOT of sympathy for her health, but I wouldn't like her as a person at all, for a number of reasons.

Oh OH NOES! We didn't have life insurance but instead of actually talking about it, disability insurance and loads of other things you shoul;d just buy it from my husband.

[oscar]

Nie seems to deflect criticism by invoking the uniqueness of her tragedy. Her situation is so terribly specific that it would be difficult to find anyone else who can relate, point by point, to her life experiences. But she's certainly not the only person who has had to relearn how to navigate life in a body that is suddenly unfamiliar, painful and ugly - and most of us have to do that without a delightful getaway at the Sundance Resort.

Okay, that was a mean and petty way to make the point that I find Nie difficult to relate to. Let's see if I can't do better.

When I was recovering from a brain infection in my mid-twenties, it took a lot of thinking about myself to make it through the day. I felt like I was becoming a very self-absorbed and self-centered person, and I blamed myself for alienating the friends who disappeared while I was sick and boring. But almost everyone has experiences that they feel like no one can relate to, or have problems that just suck for no reason and without any silver lining, and I realized that being honest about what I was going through made it easier to connect with people. Maintaining a facade meant people could only engage with me on a very superficial level, which was ultimately isolating and exhausting.

It seems to me that Nie has to curate her experience of suffering in order to embody the inspirational story around which she is reconstructing her identity. In particular, it seems like everything she does needs to be a microcosm of this narrative.

Let's consider the formula for an inspirational story. The protagonist starts from nothing - perhaps they never had anything to begin with, or maybe they lost everything they had. But by diligently following some formula, no matter what setbacks they encounter, this person achieves some desirable success or reward.

If Nie needs to be constantly reinforced in her new identity as an inspirational story, everything she does needs to end with that success or reward, and then she needs to revert to her damaged, suffering state so the story can play itself out over again. And the fact that this identity is a constructed facade means that most of her interactions with people are going to be shallow and superficial, because the only thing it's okay for anyone to do is to play out this narrative. And plenty of people are willing to engage and perform in this way, because they also want the good feeling of the inspirational story being true.

It's all so depressing, not inspiring at all.

[hoipolloi]

Don't know that I could blame her husband for how he behaved in the aftermath of the plane crash. Who knows what one will do in such a situation? I'd love to think that I'd be a wonderful heroine, leading the masses to safety through the nearest exit, but the reality is so unreal & unpredictable in any rational way, that it's useless to think you could do better than someone who's actually survived a major plane crash.

That all said, I have only checked out her blog after reading others' comments here & can't say that it's interesting, inspiring, or even particularly snark-worthy.

[mirele]

I really sincerely hope she is in some kind of therapy, anyone in her shoes would have major PTSD. I get the impression that Mormons like other devout christians are anti-psychiatry and believe in prayer over therapy but I hope she can get the help she needs.

Mormons don't have a problem with psychology, psychiatry and psychiatric medication. If you need help, you need help. It's not at all like the fundie ethos that resorting to meds and ebil shrinks is a Bad Thing. However, people won't discuss it, so that Perfect Mormon Mommy Blogger could be on a raft of pills to get her through the day. Or not.

ETA: I am a happy, thankful consumer of Ebil Psych Drugz and credit them with keeping me a sane, productive and taxpaying citizen.

[Rachel333]

I'm not a fan of NieNie for the reasons already mentioned, but I also don't really like the idea that only certain people can complain. Just because you want and chose to be pregnant doesn't mean that parts of it don't still suck. Yes, you should be sensitive to women struggling with infertility, but I guarantee someone has it worse than them. Should they not be allowed to complain either?

That said, I understand the frustration that she has only been complaining lately. And I have to say, I really don't understand the decision to be pregnant now. I'm also curious about how that even works. Are they going to stretch her skin for her? Any way it happens, it sounds incredibly painful.

[deborahlynn1979]

Brilliant post, oscar. I think you nailed everything.

[quiningseven]

  I'm not a fan of NieNie for the reasons already mentioned, but I also don't really like the idea that only certain people can complain. Just because you want and chose to be pregnant doesn't mean that parts of it don't still suck. Yes, you should be sensitive to women struggling with infertility, but I guarantee someone has it worse than them. Should they not be allowed to complain either?

That said, I understand the frustration that she has only been complaining lately. And I have to say, I really don't understand the decision to be pregnant now. I'm also curious about how that even works. Are they going to stretch her skin for her? Any way it happens, it sounds incredibly painful.

So much yes to that!

I'll complain about my pregnancy even though I know many would kill to be in my position. I'll complain when my car breaks down, or my water heater breaks even though many would be happy to be able to afford a house or car at all. Bottom line is, there will always be people better or worse off than you, and while a little perspective is nice, it doesn't change the fact that everyone has to deal with things that will be difficult for them now and again. Complaining on a personal blog (no matter now many read it) seems a perfectly appropriate outlet for that.

[keeperrox]

Oh, I used to read that blog (I think...) but lost the link. It's the family on the East Coast, the dad is a bald doctor (called Mr G or something in the blog) and the whole family looks like they just walked out of a Antropologie commercial? They are friends of NieNie. Is that the same blog?

They look like they have a very comfortable life and I sort of thought that medical residents make waaaaay more in the US than here.

Oh, come on! Are you two really going to leave us hanging?!?!?

[oscar]

So much yes to that!

I'll complain about my pregnancy even though I know many would kill to be in my position. I'll complain when my car breaks down, or my water heater breaks even though many would be happy to be able to afford a house or car at all. Bottom line is, there will always be people better or worse off than you, and while a little perspective is nice, it doesn't change the fact that everyone has to deal with things that will be difficult for them now and again. Complaining on a personal blog (no matter now many read it) seems a perfectly appropriate outlet for that.

I'm certainly not against complaining, because being frustrated when bad things happen is a normal part of life. Complaining on a publicly-visible blog is going to bring out some fussbudgets who believe you should only talk about how "blessed" you are unless you are the worst-off person in the entire world, but it also gives you a way to connect with people through shared experiences, which is a big reason for starting a personal blog in the first place.

But Nie's writing rubs me the wrong way, because it seems like she has internalized the idea that only the worst-off person in the entire world has the right to complain and everyone else should count themselves as seriously, so blessed. So if she's going to complain, she must be the worst-off person in the entire world. And there can be a fine line between a compelling story of triumph against all odds, and de facto telling someone, "I have it worse than you, so get over yourself."

That said, I agree with everyone upthread who pointed out that you don't necessarily get to pick the way in which you react in a crisis. Nie is entitled to whatever coping strategies get her through the day, but that doesn't mean other people have to agree with them, or play along with her preferred narrative. It's possible to feel tremendous sympathy toward someone while simultaneously calling them on their bullshit.

[Rachel333]

But Nie's writing rubs me the wrong way, because it seems like she has internalized the idea that only the worst-off person in the entire world has the right to complain and everyone else should count themselves as seriously, so blessed. So if she's going to complain, she must be the worst-off person in the entire world. And there can be a fine line between a compelling story of triumph against all odds, and de facto telling someone, "I have it worse than you, so get over yourself."

Yeah, I agree there. Both the e-mail she got and her response really bothered me.

[Beeks]

I'm certainly not against complaining, because being frustrated when bad things happen is a normal part of life. Complaining on a publicly-visible blog is going to bring out some fussbudgets who believe you should only talk about how "blessed" you are unless you are the worst-off person in the entire world, but it also gives you a way to connect with people through shared experiences, which is a big reason for starting a personal blog in the first place.

But Nie's writing rubs me the wrong way, because it seems like she has internalized the idea that only the worst-off person in the entire world has the right to complain and everyone else should count themselves as seriously, so blessed. So if she's going to complain, she must be the worst-off person in the entire world. And there can be a fine line between a compelling story of triumph against all odds, and de facto telling someone, "I have it worse than you, so get over yourself."

That said, I agree with everyone upthread who pointed out that you don't necessarily get to pick the way in which you react in a crisis. Nie is entitled to whatever coping strategies get her through the day, but that doesn't mean other people have to agree with them, or play along with her preferred narrative. It's possible to feel tremendous sympathy toward someone while simultaneously calling them on their bullshit.

Nice reference! I love that blog but haven't read it in ages

[QueenMother]

I read somewhere, I think on her sister Courtney's blog, that the family had to eventually let go of their anger at Christian and focus their energy on Stephanie and the kids getting through this.

Christian left her to die burning in a plane. I don't know how he can even look at her know, knowing he left her. Maybe this is why he is ovrly suger sweet to her know. I think Christian is a creep.

[Clementine]

Oh, come on! Are you two really going to leave us hanging?!?!?

I spent last night looking for it and here's the blog I wrote about:

my-angle blogspot com

One of the girls seem to be somewhat famous after a shark attacked her this summer. :S Awful story, glad everything turned out ok.

The whole family is gorgeous, the mother takes fantastic photos, they have a beautiful home and go on lovely trips all over the country. If some LDS missionaries would knock on my door, I might ask one of them to marry me and take me home. I could live with being an Anthropologie housewife even if it meant wearing ugly underwear. ;)

[emesbe]

[QueenMother]

I spent last night looking for it and here's the blog I wrote about:

my-angle blogspot com

One of the girls seem to be somewhat famous after a shark attacked her this summer. :S Awful story, glad everything turned out ok.

The whole family is gorgeous, the mother takes fantastic photos, they have a beautiful home and go on lovely trips all over the country. If some LDS missionaries would knock on my door, I might ask one of them to marry me and take me home. I could live with being an Anthropologie housewife even if it meant wearing ugly underwear. ;)

Do the Neilsen's wear the required underwear? NieNie wearing VS under her frumperwear?

[Rachel333]

Do the Neilsen's wear the required underwear? NieNie wearing VS under her frumperwear?

I'm sure they do. They seem like very faithful Mormons.

They're actually kind of LDS celebrities, aren't they? See: her getting a blessing from Elder Holland every year. (Though I'll admit that I actually kind of like Elder Holland.)

I've been really wanting someone to do a fundie version of Seriously So Blessed. I was so sad that ended.

I spent last night looking for it and here's the blog I wrote about:

my-angle blogspot com

One of the girls seem to be somewhat famous after a shark attacked her this summer. :S Awful story, glad everything turned out ok.

Ohhh, she was the girl who forgave the shark. I didn't know she was Mormon, but I thought that was a bit much. I guess I can see how that would be helpful for her, though.

[Confused_by_religion]

I read somewhere, I think on her sister Courtney's blog, that the family had to eventually let go of their anger at Christian and focus their energy on Stephanie and the kids getting through this.

Christian left her to die burning in a plane. I don't know how he can even look at her know, knowing he left her. Maybe this is why he is ovrly suger sweet to her know. I think Christian is a creep.

I feel sorry for him, in some way. He made a wrong decision - or went with his gut instinct - in a split second when he couldn't really think anything through, and now anytime he looks in the mirror he sees the man who left his wife to die; and anybody else who sees him sees it, too. Must be awful.

Their families seem to be very close-knit and helpful, though. I'm sure that's made it a lot easier for them.

[Guest Anonymous]

I'd be really interested in seeing links to the blog posts/interviews that refer to Christian leaving Stephanie behind, please. The only thing I have found is that Arizona news report that reads like bad fiction. The only Oprah website story that I have found says that he helped her out and rolled her on the ground to put out the flames. Would love to read more on this.