Article: I waited until my wedding...and wish I hadnt

[August]

I wish I hadn't have waited. I hear stories that by best friend and my BF have and I feel left out. I have had sex with 3 guys in my life...one was my husband for 16 years (and we didn't have sex much), one was a one night stand while my BF and I were broke up, and my BF.

I feel like I missed out on experiences and that is what bothers me the most.

Having sex whilst not being married does not mean you've had sex with lots of people. You don't wish you hadn't made marriage a condition of sex, you wish you'd slept around more, and that's always easy to change if you really want to.

[DGayle]

I think that the entire concept of virginity needs to be done away with.

I disagree. All virginity is supposed to indicate is if someone's had sexual experience or not. If we treat the V-word like any other letter-word that we're not supposed to say, it'll be replaced with something else. Sexually active. Someone who's 40 and hasn't had sex. Whatever.

What needs to change is society's view on how sex makes you a slut, or no sex makes you either frigid of pure.

And I was raised with losing your virginity means nothing more than losing your inexperience with sex. (It was on my own that I got super religious, not because of my parents.) When I was growing up, the word Virgin only meant inexperience or never used, like virgin wool or hunting virgin.

Again, it's how society view the Big Bad V-Word.

[sunshine]

Not all fundies espouse that sex is bad. I've posted, and I know others have as well, that our experience with such things is that sex is a very good and wonderful thing it is simply reserved for marriage.

But I will give you this for sure. I do not know if the Duggars are as sex-crazed and sex-oriented as it seems from their show. I have never been around anybody who talks about sex and babies and all that like they do. The barrage of kissy pics stating with Jessa's post-wedding soft porn shot makes me uncomfortable because I just don't know anyone who would really do that.

That kind of stuff reminds me of being in high school where somebody is trying to puff themselves up by displaying reminders that they are in some kind of relationship.

I am sure anyone that says they have issues because they were taught all their lives that sex is bad until they get married and then suddenly expected to do a complete about face is telling the truth. I think it is just not a common experience and I certainly hope I'm right about that.

ETA: I was distracted when posting this and did not explain my thought well. What I'm saying is that while sex seems to be all the Duggars are about, in my real life sex is treated as part of life. The emphasis from church was always far more on other topics like evangelism. I always learned, and from what I see it is still taught this way, that sex a beautiful and good thing between husband and wife. I can't imagine anyone I know feeling they are now dirty or something because they got married and had sex, especially because in my world, people marry the person they want to marry. Even versions of courting still have the central idea that the person is marrying someone they actually want to marry, not being forced into some kind of fundie pseudo-arranged marriage by their father.

ETA2: I still believe waiting for the wedding is a wise goal. I still advocate that to my children. But they never hear from me that they will become dirty even when they have marital sex. But we also don't have sex on the brain 24/7 - sometimes we play video games!!

Do you think the Duggar's ask their sisters about their sex life? Or, do you think that their parents' will prohibit such discussion?

[2xx1xy1JD]

I disagree. All virginity is supposed to indicate is if someone's had sexual experience or not. If we treat the V-word like any other letter-word that we're not supposed to say, it'll be replaced with something else. Sexually active. Someone who's 40 and hasn't had sex. Whatever.

What needs to change is society's view on how sex makes you a slut, or no sex makes you either frigid of pure.

And I was raised with losing your virginity means nothing more than losing your inexperience with sex. (It was on my own that I got super religious, not because of my parents.) When I was growing up, the word Virgin only meant inexperience or never used, like virgin wool or hunting virgin.

Again, it's how society view the Big Bad V-Word.

The word may not disappear from the dictionary - my kids know it because we watch Property Virgins on HGTV. I told them that it means someone who hasn't done something before.

The concept of making it the be all and end all of sex education, though, needs to go. When it comes to making good decisions, nothing magically changes after the first sexual experience. I'm troubled when I read about girls who engaged in really bad sexual experiences after having sex for the first time, in part because the focus had always been on virginity/purity. I'm also troubled by girls who feel the need to take a more passive approach with their first sexual experiences because they don't want to assume full responsibility for being sexually active. I'd rather see more shame about the poor decisions (like failing to use reliable protection) and definitely more shame around consent issues, and less focus on status.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

Do you think the Duggar's ask their sisters about their sex life? Or, do you think that their parents' will prohibit such discussion?

I'm sure they talk about sex, but it's done in the "when you're married" way, rather than anything else. I mean, Michelle and JB don't shy away from the subject, so I doubt they'd restrict their kids from talking about it. And, even if they tried to, I think it would still come up. It's not like the girls have too many other friends they can chat with about such things.

[slh12280]

I was raised with the whole "purity" movement stuff and even made a pledge when I was 12. That is way too young to be making a commitment like that, especially since I had just started to develop an interest in the opposite sex. I did it because everyone else was doing it and I really wanted to be a good Christian and wait until marriage. I told everyone else that was the right thing to do and was actually pretty obnoxious about it. Fast forward to my last year of college, I had ever even kissed anyone at that point. Then I realized that I felt kind of lonely and really wanted to know what it felt like to kiss someone. Made friends with a guy from my class and didn't really think anything about it until I realized he was interested in me. About six months go by and we kiss and then a couple months later we have sex. So we had an on again off again sexual relationship for a while.

I had absolutely horrible guilt, like crying breakdowns. Fear that God would punish me and also had a lot of physical problems with sex at the beginning. The guilt never completely left, I just enjoyed sex too much after a while to let it stop me.

Do I regret it? In some ways maybe in some ways no. I mean probably not the best relationship for me but I didn't really want to wait anymore, anyway. Plus, I discovered how I emotionally react to sex. The one thing my upbringing didn't do to was discourage me from using protection. I was very serious about birth control. The one thing I feared was getting pregnant because then everyone would know I had sex. My mother still makes comments like: "I would prefer if you waited until marriage." I can't tell her it's a little late for that. I'm almost 25. I have been celibate for a while now, almost a year and am actually starting to get sick of it but don't really want casual sex so *sigh* Anyway, the whole culture is messed up if even they think they are helping.

Last thing: Planned Parenthood stopped me from being both heartbroken and pregnant so thanks to them! They actually prevented an abortion! Amazing!

[Luisainlondon1]

In German tv there's been a new short documentary about the purity movement in the USA. They follow the youngest daughter of the Wilson family (father Randy Wilson works for FRC and "invented" the purity balls). The documentary is VERY critical about the whole purity movement. They point out how it is crucial for young women and girls who are reduced to their virginity. In case you understand some german, you can watch it here: http://www.zdf.de/ZDFmediathek#/beitrag ... schheits-Bälle-in-den-USA

[roddma]

ETA2: I still believe waiting for the wedding is a wise goal. I still advocate that to my children. But they never hear from me that they will become dirty even when they have marital sex. But we also don't have sex on the brain 24/7 - sometimes we play video games!!

Late to this thread, but purity assumes everyone will marry. Do religions really expect everyone to stay virgin regardless of marital status? The truth is 95% of us dont. I too was raised with the purity stuff, but it changed when I met DH. It took a while to get rid of the guilt feelings and just accept reality.

I don't think the problem is with someone waiting until their wedding night. The problem is making it a measuring stick for self-worth. It is crazy how people obsess over if the bride is virgin. I mean who cares as long as the couple is happy. If you want to wait until marriage, stay celibate or whatever, fine. But dont judge everyone else by it.

[salex]

Do you think the Duggar's ask their sisters about their sex life? Or, do you think that their parents' will prohibit such discussion?

OK is talking to your sisters about your sex life a "thing"? Because it is not anything I ever did or do today.

[Blahblah]

A few years back a twenty something work colleague, Christadelphian, recently married and utterly terrified asked me for advice. She had been so indoctrinated that she must protect her virginity and that her genitals were to be private at all costs and that nudity was shameful unless you were washing in complete privacy, that three months into her marriage her husband hadn't seen her naked, touched her body, or got past some fairly tame kissing,

She had never seen an adult penis outside of pictures let alone touched one. The mechanics of sex were a terrifying mystery. She was absolutely furious that her upbringing had caused this. Her church laid the foundations but her parents went over the top in reinforcing them.

In the end she found an amazing female doctor who referred her to a very sympathetic counsellor. Her wonderful husband attended too and they are now the proud parents of two children. But it took a lot of hard work and effort as a couple.

Her biggest issue was that something that should have been normal was all but destroyed for her. She couldn't understand why it was not treated as something that is normal and beautiful but her church and family believed should be saved for marriage. A bit like waiting until you are old enough to drive, or drink alcohol. You know it's out there, you know what it is and how it works, but you let it become part of your life when it is appropriate.