Article: I waited until my wedding...and wish I hadnt

[Buzzard]

thoughtcatalog.com/samantha-pugsley/2014/08/i-waited-until-my-wedding-night-to-lose-my-virginity-and-i-wish-i-hadnt/

I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, “I made it. I’m a good Christian.†There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time.

Going from unpure to sex maniac made her feel dirty and ashamed, that she had lost a part of her identity.

Ten-year-old girls want to believe in fairy tales. Take this pledge and God will love you so much and be so proud of you, they told me. If you wait to have sex until marriage, God will bring you a wonderful Christian husband and you’ll get married and live happily ever after, they said. Waiting didn’t give me a happily ever after. Instead, it controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience.

The comments are sad. They condemn her for not "loving Jesus" enough, that her problem is with the church and its teachings and not with god, making virginity an idol...

She answers a lot of the things that we've said before, that it is very hard to go from a SEX BAD mindset to embracing and expressing your sexuality. She's probably taken it to an extreme by refusing sex entirely with a man she loves and needing counseling, but maybe not.

[BrownieMomma]

Not all fundies espouse that sex is bad. I've posted, and I know others have as well, that our experience with such things is that sex is a very good and wonderful thing it is simply reserved for marriage.

But I will give you this for sure. I do not know if the Duggars are as sex-crazed and sex-oriented as it seems from their show. I have never been around anybody who talks about sex and babies and all that like they do. The barrage of kissy pics stating with Jessa's post-wedding soft porn shot makes me uncomfortable because I just don't know anyone who would really do that.

That kind of stuff reminds me of being in high school where somebody is trying to puff themselves up by displaying reminders that they are in some kind of relationship.

I am sure anyone that says they have issues because they were taught all their lives that sex is bad until they get married and then suddenly expected to do a complete about face is telling the truth. I think it is just not a common experience and I certainly hope I'm right about that.

ETA: I was distracted when posting this and did not explain my thought well. What I'm saying is that while sex seems to be all the Duggars are about, in my real life sex is treated as part of life. The emphasis from church was always far more on other topics like evangelism. I always learned, and from what I see it is still taught this way, that sex a beautiful and good thing between husband and wife. I can't imagine anyone I know feeling they are now dirty or something because they got married and had sex, especially because in my world, people marry the person they want to marry. Even versions of courting still have the central idea that the person is marrying someone they actually want to marry, not being forced into some kind of fundie pseudo-arranged marriage by their father.

ETA2: I still believe waiting for the wedding is a wise goal. I still advocate that to my children. But they never hear from me that they will become dirty even when they have marital sex. But we also don't have sex on the brain 24/7 - sometimes we play video games!!

[Grimalkin]

Hi Buzzard! I don't think you know me but I'm glad your back.

[Johanna25]

I'm very glad I didn't wait until my wedding to have sex. As a matter of fact I'd be an old maid today if I had, since I'm still single. Looking back, it's the opportunities I passed on that I regret. As far as things I did, je regrette rien.

I think this woman's experience is likely not unusual. They really sell little girls on the special princess idea. Someday their prince will come and they will live happily ever after. Virginity becomes a fetish. After the wedding they have lost that special quality that they have used to define themselves and they face a life of domestic drudgery; what a let-down!

I think sex is wonderful and fun and it is different with with every different relationship and in every season of life. I see no point in postponing it 'til marriage. We marry so late these days; it seems unnatural to wait that long. Religions are much too focused on sex, there are much greater evils in this world. As far as I'm concerned, the only sexual sins are abusive behaviors or rape.

[RosyDaisy]

I agree, Johanna25. I'm glad I didn't wait either and have no regrets. I can't imagine my 40ish self being a virgin on my wedding night (3 months and 2 days away).

[Howl]

I read her article and briefly went down the rabbit hole of useless commenters, but I don't think waiting for marriage was the problem -- she had enough negative religious sex baggage & guilt to break a luggage carousel at JFK before she even got married. Even if she'd had premarital sex, she would have been paralyzed by guilt and have even more distress over being sexual than she did as a married woman. She spent her teen age years buying into the church teachings that sexual thoughts or feelings are impure and must be suppressed AT ALL COSTS.

I'm so glad she has a loving husband and was able to get therapy to begin to heal.

[Emme]

I always wonder what happens if there's no chemistry. There are guys I really liked, really connected with emotionally, but had no spark with. What do you do if that's your husband and you have no idea because you've never even kissed?

[PurpleSheepleEater]

It's not just about sex, it's about desire. That's where things get messy for people. They maybe don't have sex but they have desire that they are told is bad, wrong. With teens it reaches a breaking point, especially for those who are sensitive or really want to do the right thing. They are constantly tormented by natural desires that they are told to not have. The idea that they are lusting really fucks some people up because they just cannot win that. Even if you control it there's dreams...... Anyway, it's really hard to all the sudden in one moment have all desire and lust be A-OK and something you are now commanded to fulfill with gusto. Not for everyone but definitely for some people. I know fundies whose marriages have been really messed up because of absolutely dysfunctional sex and lots of guilt.

[DuggarsTheEndIsNear]

When i was younger, I wanted so desperately to save myself for marriage cause that's what I was taught was good and right, and it's what my parents at least claim to have done (they dated for 4 years before marriage, so part of me wonders how true that is). But, when I was 20, the decision to lose my virginity was made without my consent. Even if you don't count the rape, I followed it with a consensual act because I didn't want my only memory of sex to be that. Sometimes, I wonder how differently things would have been if those times didn't happen, if I had remained a virgin until I was ready.

I don't think that there is a "right" answer on when someone should lose their virginity. I think that the choices you make largely dictate who you will date, but I don't think that it really truly matters when you lose your virginity. What matters is how you're taught to view sex. I was lucky that my family (grandparents included) were all very open about sex when I was growing up. I was always taught that it didn't matter what you did, as long as you were safe about it; and that, no matter what, I could always come home. The churches I attended and all my religious friends are why I wanted to wait for marriage, but even then we were taught that sex was a wonderful thing to share between two people who loved each other and are committed to each other. So, if I had waited until marriage, I would have likely transitioned without too much issue (there may have been an issue of us being really awkward in bed).

However, I could see how being taught that sex and and sexual urges are terrible, dirty things would lead to emotional conflicts when you realize that sex feels really good and you want to do it all the time.

As for the no chemistry thing, I wonder if that's something you can learn? I mean, you're going to have to learn how to make everything fit right anyways (since two virgins rarely have adequate sex the first time, so you may as well learn how to be sexually attracted to each other as well?

[Full enough quiver]

I think purity culture in general is harmful. The fetishization of virginity is the issue at play here, not so much whether or not to wait for the wedding night. This woman would probably have felt even worse had she not waited.

If sex is seen as something normal and healthy when shared between two consenting adults, that would be a much less damaging view. I know it would have screwed with my head less as a victim of sexual assault. That's what we try to teach our kids, that sexual feelings are normal and healthy, and only you can decide when you're ready to act on those feelings. If that happens to be on your wedding night, great. If not, no big deal. Have fun, use protection.

[Daenerys]

Not all fundies espouse that sex is bad. I've posted, and I know others have as well, that our experience with such things is that sex is a very good and wonderful thing it is simply reserved for marriage.

But I will give you this for sure. I do not know if the Duggars are as sex-crazed and sex-oriented as it seems from their show. I have never been around anybody who talks about sex and babies and all that like they do. The barrage of kissy pics stating with Jessa's post-wedding soft porn shot makes me uncomfortable because I just don't know anyone who would really do that.

Christians are often accused of being obsessed with sex. Whilst I can't speak for fundies, who are their own particular flavour of crazysauce, I really don't find this is the case in normal churches.

I go to a mainstream, liberal church here in the UK and find that Christians in general are really, really private about their sex lives. It just isn't something that people talk about very much and I've only ever spoken about it with a couple of people. It's never once come up in a sermon and there is no purity culture or anything. I'm not a virgin - I don't broadcast that particularly but no one I've ever shared that with has acted like it's any kind of a big deal.

In contrast, at university it's constantly the topic of conversation: I don't really go in for that gossip much but I'm always hearing about who's sleeping with who, who broke up with who, how big the guy's cock was etc etc. I've been called names just because I won't talk about my relationships in the same detail.

[moon rocks]

I waited to lose my virginity until I was in my mid-twenties, to the man I'd eventually marry. All due to the ridiculous amount of emphasis placed on chastity in my religion. And I've regretted it ever since because it screwed me up royally for the longest time. It wasn't the issues that the woman mentioned faced, but others like never learning how to have an adult sexual relationship, understanding the emotions involved, trying to fight off hang-ups that had been developed by constantly hiding desire and being ashamed of it. Now days, there's no way in hell I'd ever promote that culture again.

It's incredibly damaging and the main reason why? It's obvious in the answer; these people never give a moment's worth of thought to just how "pure" the males should be. As soon as that's as big a deal, I'll stop believing this is about patriarchal control and possession and perhaps consider it's about concern for the young's well-being. Until then, as a now liberal Christian, I see it as nothing but BS.

[Toothfairy]

A 10 year old shouldn't be making those commitments. I think some religious folks forget that love comes first before lust. Saying that sex is bad and dirty or that people who aren't virgins on their wedding night are used is just emotionally disabling. You can't shame sex but then say it's ok now that you're married. I waited but married for love and waited for the right reasons. Being a virgin doesn't mean much if you have no heart

[RosyDaisy]

I lost my virginity to a man I loved when I was 22. I never regretted it. I never thought of sex as something dirty or shameful. My life, my body, my choice. I was raised conservative Christian, but my parents never believed in the whole purity culture thing. The only reason I waited until 22 was to make sure I had a job and could handle the consequences (pregnancy, STDs, etc.). I have always thought of sex a healty, normal, and loving experience between consenting partners.

[DGayle]

I used to think even masturbation was bad. Sex before marriage? No way, Jose! I hit a certain age, and decided to use sex as part of my self-discovery. When I turned 22, I went through a crisis where I didn't know myself, and exploring my sexuality helped me learn who I am. By all counts, I'm a whore. Partners in the double digits. I don't regret any of it. It doesn't take away from what I have with my husband since I didn't make an idol out of sex.

I think this is where fundies go wrong more than anything. Sex is BAD. You have sex, and you're BAD. Virginity is PURITY. Purity is GOOD. Once you have sex you are impure and BAD. Why don't they stretch it out to virginity and married sex are pure and sacred so that nobody turns bad when they hit their wedding night?

[snuggles911]

As someone who did wait until my wedding night (I don't even think we French kissed before then, but I'm not certain) I have mixed feelings.

I have no regrets about only being with person. I think I would have been crushed if I had slept with one of my high school or college boyfriends only to have them break up with me. Plus, I don't think I could have enjoyed it as I would have felt too guilty about having sex outside of marriage.

But, my husband and I are not sexually compatible and that's always been a thorn in my side (and probably his as well). I have a high drive. He has a low one. I long to experiment. He prefers sticking with the same two positions.

If I had it to do over again, I would have insisted on having open, honest conversations about our expectations regarding sex. We never did. The only thing we spoke about briefly was which type of birth control we would use.

I can understand the who let down about losing the specialness of being a virgin and the disappointment of realizing that waiting doesn't necessarily guarantee a perfect sex life. But, I've never had any guilt about married sex. We were taught that it was God's gift for married couples and that anything was fine as long as you and your spouse both wanted to do it.

[ADoyle90815]

A 10 year old shouldn't be making those commitments. I think some religious folks forget that love comes first before lust. Saying that sex is bad and dirty or that people who aren't virgins on their wedding night are used is just emotionally disabling. You can't shame sex but then say it's ok now that you're married. I waited but married for love and waited for the right reasons. Being a virgin doesn't mean much if you have no heart

I think that one damage that saying that sex is a sin until you get married is that people raised like that often get into marriages so quickly, they haven't really gotten to know the person they're going to have sex with. Once they find someone who turns them on, they have very short engagements sometimes with chaperones during that time so they don't slip up and commit the worst sin besides murder. That TLC show about gay Mormon men getting married to women is another example of this, as the women feel their only worth in life is to get married, and they'll marry a gay person just so they can say they're married.

[JillyO]

I think purity culture in general is harmful. The fetishization of virginity is the issue at play here, not so much whether or not to wait for the wedding night. This woman would probably have felt even worse had she not waited.

If sex is seen as something normal and healthy when shared between two consenting adults, that would be a much less damaging view. I know it would have screwed with my head less as a victim of sexual assault. That's what we try to teach our kids, that sexual feelings are normal and healthy, and only you can decide when you're ready to act on those feelings. If that happens to be on your wedding night, great. If not, no big deal. Have fun, use protection.

A MILLION TIMES YES AND THANK YOU!

It's okay to have casual sex too. Sex is only as big of a deal as you make it out to be. If that truth were just taught to all kids everywhere, a lot of hurt could be avoided. The healthiest approach we can teach our children is that sex is absolutely normal, and as long as it is consensual, it is perfectly fine. Just make sure to use protection, and to only do what YOU want to do (whether that be casual sex, or sex in a long-term committed relationship, or waiting until your wedding day). The important thing is that it is what YOU want. I know that's what I'll teach my children.

[moon rocks]

A MILLION TIMES YES AND THANK YOU!

It's okay to have casual sex too. Sex is only as big of a deal as you make it out to be. If that truth were just taught to all kids everywhere, a lot of hurt could be avoided. The healthiest approach we can teach our children is that sex is absolutely normal, and as long as it is consensual, it is perfectly fine. Just make sure to use protection, and to only do what YOU want to do (whether that be casual sex, or sex in a long-term committed relationship, or waiting until your wedding day). The important thing is that it is what YOU want. I know that's what I'll teach my children.

This is beautiful and exactly what I'd teach. Healthy is what's important, everything else serves an agenda.

[Cleopatra7]

I think that the entire concept of virginity needs to be done away with. The notion of virginity assumes that a person undergoes some kind of ontological change once they have (presumably) P-I-V sex, when all that has actually happened is that a person has had sex. After all, we generally don't say that one is a virgin with regard to other activities like climbing Mt. Everest or running a marathon, even though these other endeavors may be more life changing than sex. It is also damaging to individuals who have suffered from sexual abuse, as some posters have mentioned. Plus, it can stigmatizing for asexuals who choose to express their sexuality through celibacy to be pejoratively noted as 25/30/35/40 year old virgins, as if sex is the defining characteristic of being a mature adult. Other posters have described how fetishizing virginity stigmatizes women who enjoy casual sex. Wherever you fall on the sexual continuum, virginity is a concept that hurts us all.

[Full enough quiver]

We also teach that people have sex for lots of reasons. For love, just for fun, for making a baby. All those reasons are ok. Just make sure that you and your partner are having sex for the same reason. Otherwise someone could get hurt. Like if you want a baby, and your partner wants casual sex. Or your partner is in love, and you're not interested in a commitment. Just be honest with yourself and your partner.

[Johanna25]

I object to all this talk of "losing your virginity." Virginity is not a "thing" you can lose! Having sex for the first time means you've had sex. I'd call virginity a lack or absence of experience rather than an attribute.

[Buzzard]

Hi Buzzard! I don't think you know me but I'm glad your back.

Glad to be well enough to use a computer again!

[Shirley Blest]

I wish I hadn't have waited. I hear stories that by best friend and my BF have and I feel left out. I have had sex with 3 guys in my life...one was my husband for 16 years (and we didn't have sex much), one was a one night stand while my BF and I were broke up, and my BF.

I feel like I missed out on experiences and that is what bothers me the most.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I object to all this talk of "losing your virginity." Virginity is not a "thing" you can lose! Having sex for the first time means you've had sex. I'd call virginity a lack or absence of experience rather than an attribute.

I despise language that talks about virginity or purity.

My approach is to talk about making good, safe, responsible choices. Sex can make babies, and creating a new life is a huge responsibility. Sex can transmit some diseases. Sex requires the full consent of a mentally competent partner who is not underage. In some circumstances, sex can be exploitive. It can feel really good, or hurt really badly. It can promote intimacy, or make someone feel horrible and used.

None of these things magically change after the first sexual experience.