Top Reasons to Marry Young

[VVV]

If I'd married the person I was dating at 20, or the person I was dating at 21, or most especially the person I dated at 25, I'd be divorced long since. Instead, I waited until I met Mr. Right (and knew immediately that he was, indeed, my Mr. Right) at age 27. Engaged five months after meeting--I don't necessarily recommend that, but when you know, you know. Married at 28, still happily married at 53.

My 20s were only a waste if you consider living in a foreign country for six months, learning a new language, and then moving to three different locations in the US after winning jobs in a highly competitive field, a waste.

My parents married at 22 and 23, and were blissfully happy for all 57 years of their marriage. They were young grandparents, but not to my kids. Only to my older siblings' kids, and even then my father's Alzheimer's started taking him away from us bit by bit from the time he was 59.

Everyone is different, there are no guarantees in life, and what is best for your life is not necessarily best for mine (and vice versa).

[2xx1xy1JD]

In fairness to Sheila, here is the first part of her post:

So I thought I’d write about the pros of marrying young. But first, a few caveats:

I do not believe that everyone should marry young.

In fact, in many cases young marriage doesn’t work. If the couple really is not very mature, they could be making a very bad decision. I get nervous when a 19-year-old chooses to marry who hasn’t really seen the world much or expanded their social circle at all. If all they know is a very small corner of the world, they may not know themselves very well yet.

Finally, many young people marry to escape. They want to feel grown up, and they want to get on with their lives, and marriage seems the easiest course.

In almost all these cases, these young marriages will not be good ones.

I’m also fully aware that many people will not meet anyone suitable to marry until they are a little older. I have a good friend who married for the first time at 42 a few years ago. She would have loved to marry earlier, but her love didn’t show up until she was older. I in no way mean to shame people who have not married young. I know often being single older is not by choice. I have frequently told my daughters that while I firmly believe they will marry, no one knows when that will be, and they need to work at being comfortable on their own and with God instead of thinking their lives are only complete once they are married.

I generally find that Sheila is more tolerant and sensible than many of the bloggers we snark on, so I was surprised when I saw this thread. Seeing this first part reminded me of why I like her better than Lori.

Off to read the rest of the post...

[Jay9]

My parents were always against young marriage. Unlike most fundie families, my Dad dad was a teacher, and believed women should be educated. He basically told me that I would be cut off if I married young and didn't complete my degree.

I married met my husband when I was 22, about 5 moths after graduating and starting my first real job. My wonderful husband had left his fundie family at the age of 18, but was basically floundering around in life due to lack of any formal education. My husband and I technically could have met at age 17, when we both were in the same area, and had tons of mutual friends, but my Dad would never let me go hang out with anyone "new" that he didn't "approve" of. But I so wish we met then, and married younger. Contrary to my Dad's opinion, I would have still finished college even if I was in a relationship.Maybe we could have gone to school together. And we have grown so much and learned so much and had so much fun since getting married, I wish we had the opportunity to get married sooner. Plus, I'm still so sad that my mom passed away right before our wedding, and that my husband never really got to know her. She basically dreamed of us getting married from the second she met him, even though my Dad caused us problems.

But that's just me. Young marriage is not for all.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Re the "more focused" point:

I thought about my circle of friends. The few of us that married earlier did settle down and focus earlier as well, but it's a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg argument, because we were ALREADY more focused than average. My friends who got BAs and tried to figure out what to do with their lives and who went to teach English in Korea did not marry early. OTOH, my friend who got married at 22 was the same friend who started law school with me at 19.

Re finances:

I think that there is a sweet spot, where getting married and/or having children doesn't derail education and career plans. Living in cheap student housing for a few years and putting your child in campus daycare isn't a bad thing, and we found that our incomes increased right as the rest of the kids came along. If, however, we had dropped out of school to take minimum wage jobs to support ourselves, that would have been a big blow.

[JellyHope]

That's just the stupidest thing I think I've read since, well, since Josh Duggar's speech or Ben's fb rantings.

[NeonJungle]

I am not young, and I am married, and have some thoughts about the OP.

I can't quote well on the iPad (cause I'm old and not techno savvy) so am not regurgitating the original numeral assertions, and hope this counterpoint of view is clear.

1. A person can drift through any decade. That isn't relevant. To coin a person's 20s as a "wasted decade" is in direct opposition to what the decade is for. It is not a "waste of time" to "figure out myself before deciding what's really right for me."

Ok, two through ten counter points are going to have to happen over a cup of coffee in the a.m. after assimilating this train of thought, given that the first point contradicts itself.

[feministxtian]

Ffs...Lorken has weighed in with her comments. God I hate that bitch...

[fun2beme]

My initial reaction was "what a load of BS," then I saw the name of her blog and was angry at myself for wasting my time reading it.

I'm 39 and not married. I wanted to get married in my late 20s/early 30s but never met my soul-mate in the dorm hallway. LOL. In my 20s, I finished my undergrad, lived in 3 different states on my own, learned to be completely independent, got my MBA, and bought a house with some misc travel here and there. My 30s were pretty much a repeat.

I've given some thought to how different my life would be if I had gotten married young. I don't think I would have appreciated my husband as much as I would if I got married now. My young naive self just thought that you'd meet someone, get married, and have kids by 35. Now that I see how hard it is to meet that special someone, I have a much greater appreciation for who he is and what I've found.

I'm also a huge proponent of everyone - women especially - being able to take care of themselves and know how to live alone. If you get married at 20 then suddenly find yourself widowed or divorced at 45, it's going to be tough to do. I've met several women who got married in their early 20s, had kids, and found themselves divorced with grown-up children out of the house by 50, and it seems like they struggle a lot more to gain footing since family life is pretty much all they've known.

To the poster who married the guy she met at 15 - good for you! I don't mean this as a criticism to you personally, just sharing my thoughts on my life. Sometimes you meet someone and you know he's the right one for you, and someday you'll celebrate your 60th anniversary and look back and know you did the right thing. But I think that's more of a rarity than what most people face anymore.

[Jana814]

Reading these comments have been great!! Like I said in earlier post I thought I would be married by now, but that never happened. & I totally OK w/ that.

[jerkit]

Fundies. Always thinking their way is universally the best for everyone in the world ever.

I got married young ish (23). Very glad I did. Doesn't mean I'm going around writing blogs about why everyone should get married at 23.

[Jana814]

That's just the stupidest thing I think I've read since, well, since Josh Duggar's speech or Ben's fb rantings.

Can someone explain this to me. I never heard of either one of them.

[Mama Mia]

In fairness to Sheila, here is the first part of her post:

I generally find that Sheila is more tolerant and sensible than many of the bloggers we snark on, so I was surprised when I saw this thread. Seeing this first part reminded me of why I like her better than Lori.

Off to read the rest of the post...

Well that certainly changes the entire tone and context. I'm embarrassed I didn't go to read the original article, because I know that everything can be snipped to look bad.

If she married and had children young she may very well be defending the young marriage and giving reasons why it's good because generally you hear reasons to wait. In my little corner of reality people hear a lot of reasons to wait to have children, so I could see someone writing something , with a disclaimer of why it's not true for everyone, of why having children younger is a good idea. Marriage isn't seen as a key element in that decision though.

[browncoatslytherin]

In fairness to Sheila, here is the first part of her post:

I generally find that Sheila is more tolerant and sensible than many of the bloggers we snark on, so I was surprised when I saw this thread. Seeing this first part reminded me of why I like her better than Lori.

Off to read the rest of the post...

even with the caveats, i feel she contradicts herself with the points she makes, with some points making little sense at all. just because a caveat is thrown out there, it doesn't always mean much. kind of like when certain friends of mine say "no offense, but..." and then say something stupid or offensive...because somehow, saying that beforehand absolves them of the offensiveness or stupid level of said comment. it doesn't. now, if she had taken on multiple types of views in her points, i would be inclined to consider her opinion more. but even with that beginning, it sounds like something she just threw on top of her opinion to package it better and make it more palatable (still fail, as far as i'm concerned).

[salex]

What I find with these bloggers is that instead of a tone of "oh, this is what I did" or !0 reasons I'm glad I married early" it is always so didactic... the idea that they are blogging as a ministry comes across loud and clear as they seem to tell their readers exactly how the best way to live for everyone really is.

I had a love at first sight experience that has lasted nearly 36 years. Do I expect other people not to question their attraction if they are immediately drawn to someone? My sister in law dated her husband for 10 years off and on. Would that work for everyone? No. My sister has never met anyone who caught her attention long enough to make room in her life for another. Is that right for everyone? No. But it is right for each of us as individuals. And Fuck the Fundie who thinks it is their business to tell us otherwise.

[docmom]

From the Bureau of Labor Statistics:

"A negative relationship between the age at which the marriage began and the propensity for the marriage to end in divorce is also apparent. Among marriages that began at ages 15 to 22, 58 percent ended in divorce. Of marriages that began at ages 23 to 28, 43 percent ended in divorce. Of marriages that began at ages 29 to 34, the percentage that ends in divorce declines further to 36 percent. Hence, the data support the finding that, on average, people who marry later are more likely than younger couples to stay married."

I think people can marry whenever they want to, but to say that the blanket advice should be that everyone should marry as young as possible because it's best flies in the face of real, actual facts. Not too surprisingly, level of education also correlates well with marriages surviving- the more educated the couple, the longer, on average, the marriage lasts. So those years in my twenties that I spent getting my college and medical degress, doing residency and fellowship were not actually wasted. In fact, they went a long way to ensuring a happy long-lasting marriage...

[Firiel]

Well that certainly changes the entire tone and context. I'm embarrassed I didn't go to read the original article, because I know that everything can be snipped to look bad.

If she married and had children young she may very well be defending the young marriage and giving reasons why it's good because generally you hear reasons to wait. In my little corner of reality people hear a lot of reasons to wait to have children, so I could see someone writing something , with a disclaimer of why it's not true for everyone, of why having children younger is a good idea. Marriage isn't seen as a key element in that decision though.

Yeah, I'm embarrassed now too. I certainly don't think there is anything inherently wrong with marrying young. Both my mom and older sister did so and have had happy lives with wonderful spouses so far.

I do still think some of her reasons are eye-rolly, specifically the "younger parents are better for society" (I'd say both older parents and younger parents can be wonderful) and "you can start your goals earlier" (actually, someone could easily argue the opposite, that getting married later means you will both likely be settled down more and one won't have to sacrifice dreams or careers to accommodate the other).

But yeah, she said it wasn't for everyone, and rather than saying that young marriage is the only good choice, she seems to be arguing against the idea (that I've heard plenty!) that young marriage CAN'T work.

[moodygirl86]

If people married young, perhaps we’d have fewer “exes†and fewer regrets. So much of the problem in marriages is caused by past baggage. If we put the expectation on kids that “it’s fine to get married at 21″ rather than “you had better not get married until you finish your degree and you have a good jobâ€, then people would treat relationships at 20 more seriously. They wouldn’t think, “this can’t go anywhere, so let’s just have fun!†Often that “fun†ends up causing a lot of tears.

Uh Sheila, rushing into a marriage too young can also result in exes and regrets too, just saying. Ask my parents.

[2xx1xy1JD]

What I find with these bloggers is that instead of a tone of "oh, this is what I did" or !0 reasons I'm glad I married early" it is always so didactic... the idea that they are blogging as a ministry comes across loud and clear as they seem to tell their readers exactly how the best way to live for everyone really is.

I had a love at first sight experience that has lasted nearly 36 years. Do I expect other people not to question their attraction if they are immediately drawn to someone? My sister in law dated her husband for 10 years off and on. Would that work for everyone? No. My sister has never met anyone who caught her attention long enough to make room in her life for another. Is that right for everyone? No. But it is right for each of us as individuals. And Fuck the Fundie who thinks it is their business to tell us otherwise.

Many fundie bloggers do come across that way, but Sheila's generally not like that. See my previous post - she makes it clear right off the bat that she's NOT saying that everyone should marry young.

[Toothfairy]

Many fundie bloggers do come across that way, but Sheila's generally not like that. See my previous post - she makes it clear right off the bat that she's NOT saying that everyone should marry young.

Sorry I should've posted the whole thing but it's hard when your on your phone. And i do love Sheilas blog, but I just didn't agree with everything that she mentioned on this post. Especially only marrying young for sex. I don't think that's good advice to give a young couple. Just my opinion.

[itsnotmeitsu]

The one about being a young parent pi$$es me off.

I had my first at 35. Because my husband wanted to wait til we were married to have kids. I was 33 when we married I have heard so many people ask about how do I find the energy to chase a toddler and how they couldn't do it. If I lack energy, it's because I'm fat, not old, and their comments about what they could and couldn't do . . . you can't tell me, if you were 35 or 40, and your 2-year-old dashed out in the street, you wouldn't find the energy to get him or her out of the street.

And, maybe it's because I'm "old", but . . . I'm glad I had her a little older. We struggle with some things financially, but the struggle is probably less than it would have been had I had kids at 23, since I get paid about 3 times what I made then. And I'm at a place where I can appreciate what she brings to my life that I couldn't at 23, because I was too busy trying to reach the top of my career. Now I have my career in a proper place in my priorities.

But then again, this goes back to the constant problem with fundyism, that there is only one right path, but there isn't. The man who would have been my headship at 23 was a horrible person, so I didn't get married til 33. Maybe they pick right, right out of the gate, but who knows. If they do, they need to be matchmakers for the rest of us.

[Jana814]

Fudies don't see the logicl that regular people see. Some of them don't realize that it is OK to get married after your career in established or to have kids, when you are ready. They just think "ok marry ASAP and have as many kids and G-d allows."

[alba]

I do sometimes feel jealous of people my age (late 20's-early 30's) who still have active grandparents. My grandmother died 3 years ago at the age of 97, with advanced dementia. She was the last remaining grandparent I had.

I'm in a similar situation; my parents were both the youngest in their families, and their parents were getting on by the time I was born. And because I feel like I missed out on opportunities my older cousins had, I do think that, if a couple wants to have children and are weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of reproducing now or later, then the age their parents are (if they want them in their children's lives), and the age at which they're likely to become grandparents, is something worth considering. However, I don't think that's an argument for having children young; it all depends on an individual couple's priorities and circumstances.

And all of this really has nothing to do with marrying young. People can marry young and wait many years to have children (or have none at all!), or they can marry later in life having already had several children. In fact, I think most of the points here really belong on a list of reasons to have children young, not reasons to marry young.

[JellyHope]

Can someone explain this to me. I never heard of either one of them.

I'm referring to a recent speech Josh gave as "executive director" over at FRC. I'm sure you can google it.

And also Ben's rants on his Facebook about how horrible the Catholics are. (And any other Christian that isn't his "brand".)

[2xx1xy1JD]

I lost a whole post I did on these points, grrrr....I'll try again.

In my circle of friends and family, a few of us married young (relatively speaking, between 22 and 25), while most were late 20s or early 30s. Since we were all from similar backgrounds with similar educations, I thought I'd see how things compare.

Energy for little kids:

EVERYONE mentions this, but I'm not sure it's a big factor. Yes, I was able to hike in the Rockies when Girl 1 was a baby and take Girl 1 and Girl 2 to New Zealand and Australia when they were only 3 yr old and 2 mos old - but I also did a couple of big hikes with all the kids last weekend. We like hiking. Sure, I'm bigger now than I was 14 years ago - but I'm not sure how much of that is due to age vs. having kids. Honestly, having 3 kids in 5 years (plus 3 miscarriages during that time) will take a toll on the body, and I started to look younger and feel less tired once they got a bit older. My SIL just had her 3rd, at 39, after a 5 year gap. She's honestly more relaxed and happier than I remember her being with the first 2 kids.

I do see this as being a bigger issue with grandparents.

Finances:

Those of us who had our kids younger spent less money on housing and baby stuff during the really early years. It was earlier in our careers, and we simply didn't have more to spend. So Girl 1, who was born when we were 28 and my husband was still a resident, spent her first few years in a small apartment, wore her cousin's old clothes and had a cheap stroller. My husband's best friend is also a doctor. He was 40 when his son was born. That kid is about to live in a crazy expensive house, he had the top of the line stroller, they were able to afford more expensive nannies, etc. So, at the baby/toddler stage, there is more money available if you wait longer.

OTOH, now that my husband's income is higher, that extra money is available to pay for the kids' things now which are more expensive. The major expenses will continue for about the next 10 years, and will then be reduced dramatically. At that time, the expenses will be ramping up for our friend, just as he's getting older.

I have some cases with much older dads (babies in their 40s, 50s, 60s and even 70s), and this can become a HUGE issue. They start to pass their peak earning years, and may face layoffs or declining business or disability or retirement. Meanwhile, they face tremendous pressure to keep up the earnings, because they have kids who still need to be supported. Life insurance is more expensive, and death or disability can cause extreme financial chaos.

Emotional issues/marital stability:

Honestly, I don't notice any pattern, either way. I married my first really serious boyfriend. My sister had about 100 before my BIL. Today, our lives are pretty similar - stable marriages to really nice guys. Part of the reason may be that those of us who married relatively young had generally known our spouses for a long time - in my case, I got together with my husband at 16 but didn't get married until 24. So yes, 24 was still earlier than most of my friends, but those who met their spouses later didn't usually wait 8 years to get married.

[MissA]

The one about being a young parent pi$$es me off.

I had my first at 35. Because my husband wanted to wait til we were married to have kids. I was 33 when we married I have heard so many people ask about how do I find the energy to chase a toddler and how they couldn't do it. If I lack energy, it's because I'm fat, not old, and their comments about what they could and couldn't do . . . you can't tell me, if you were 35 or 40, and your 2-year-old dashed out in the street, you wouldn't find the energy to get him or her out of the street.

Yeah, I always feel this way about the "young energetic parent" thing. I didn't feel any less energetic at thirty than I did at twenty. I mean, my inclination to stay up until 2 AM dancing and drinking lemon drop shots had gone way downhill. But I needed about the same amount of sleep, I took about the same amount of physical activity... basically entering middle age does not automatically equal decrepitude.

Obviously there's some extremes to this and I'm sure the kid Charlie Chaplin had at 70 probably experienced a rather less active dad than he would have otherwise, but frankly the thing that makes me the tiredest is the sleep deprivation and constant driving that comes along with parenting:)