To parents who celebrate gift-giving holidays..

[Mama Mia]

This thread reminds me of Nick Hornby's "How To Be Good". It's about this middle-class North London couple (wife's a GP, husband's a journalist) with two kids under 10. They've always lived a fairly comfortable lifestyle, but the wife gets bored and has an affair. After confessing to her husband, he comes to the conclusion that it was his fault for not loving her enough and resolves to be a better person - ie, a prig! His kids are gutted when he makes them give away their favourite toys to a battered women's refuge...and that's just the start. But I won't say any more in case anyone else wants to read it.

Thank you so much for jogging my memory about this book! I was about half way through it, got distracted by a big medical crisis and never picked it up again. I've since moved and it probably is sitting in storage somewhere, but I'm going to find a copy.

[moodygirl86]

Thank you so much for jogging my memory about this book! I was about half way through it, got distracted by a big medical crisis and never picked it up again. I've since moved and it probably is sitting in storage somewhere, but I'm going to find a copy.

You end up wanting to bash both their heads together! Charity begins at home, and they're not very kind to each other. It does have a happy ending, though.

[lilah]

Mamma mia thanks for your insights about being a charity giver

I like to donate to my local used goods store. They invest profits into other charities. And unlike goodwill they don't pay disabled workers a sub minimum wage.

I used to work at a school where about 95% of the kids lived in poverty. We'd get a big shipment of toys from toys for tots. It was awesome. They toys were always new, high quakity and the kids had lots to choose from.

[DGayle]

Very, very good plan. It really is awful how the teens are usually left out, when they are the ones who have the hardest time not having the same things as their peers.

With any kind of group giving like that one thing I would strongly, strongly suggest is that someone make sure that gifts that are going to multiple children in a family, or residents of a shelter, all get things of relatively similar value. They don't all need to be the same gift, but it really, really sucks when one child gets name brand trendy clothes, and a gift card and the latest cool ( expensive) electronic gadget - and their sibling gets a t-shirt from k-mart and a puzzle.

This actually happens a lot, because small businesses /groups will pick a family/shelter to help and the employees will each pick a person in the family to buy for, and of course the minimum wage cashier will do what they can, and the boss will do what they can -- and the results are very dissimilar. Which is hard on kids. So if your group knows gifts will be going to kids who are living in the same place, please try to find a way to even it out.

Also, another couple tips that are greatly appreciated, both related to the same thing--- unless you are sure that the gifts are going to be distributed at some group event where the children are present ( many places will have a Santa party, for example ), assume that the parents of the children will be giving the gifts as coming from them ( or Santa). For many of the parents the only gifts that they are able to give the children are whatever is donated, and it's really wonderful if the parents are able to do that in a way that makes them feel most empowered. The holidays are really, really difficult for parents who are broke ( especially the ones who used to have money ), and there is usually a ton of bad emotional triggers as well, so being able to are sure their child gets something they really want, to the extent possible, really, really helps

Giving gift certificates to the whole family is usually great. Preferably to K-Mart or whatever the lowest priced department store in the town that is easily accessible by public transportation, this gives the parents the opportunity to get what they know the kids want, or for the child to pick something out themselves. If you are buying for children, a gift certificate to a toy store is awesome. The one downside of gift certificates meant for presents is that occasionally the parents will end up using them for household supplies instead, or, rarely, buy stuff, return it, and use the cash for drugs. No one wants to hear or think about that, and it isn't common -- but it does happen. So ask the agency you are going through what they prefer. If you can have a store locally that is reasonably priced, carries a good range of kids merchandise and returns are only for store credit-- that's ideal.

If you are giving a gift for a specific child, try to get as detailed information as possible about what they like - sizes, colors, types of activities, current character obsession. If the Angel tag says the kid wishes for a skateboard or football don't assume the kid will be just as happy with an art kit because that's what you would have liked at that age. If any kind of interest is specified try to buy within that interest. It doesn't need to be expensive. A little girl who is obsessed with Frozen would be ecstatic to get some $50 mini-castle ( I can not believe how expensive this shit is!) but also very, very happy to get the $5 Frozen activity book and a set of crayons. This not only makes the kids happy, it also really helps the parent to give something they would of picked themselves.

If all you know about the kid is the age and/or gender, and you don't know any similar kids, a good way to get an idea of what is currently popular is to go on Amazon and do a sort for most popular toys for the age group of kid, and in your price range. This gives you at least a general idea of what's out there.

Unless they specify otherwise, Get the gifts to the agency as early as possible, this makes distribution much, much easier. It also really helps so the staff ( and parents) can make up where things are short. Staff standing in some long line to buy gifts for someone else's kids on Christmas Eve, because some church said they would bring gifts for 12 kids on the 23rd, but only brought gifts for 10 of them --- sucks. A lot.

If you're buying more than one gift for a particular child, and there aren't other more detailed requests, a great gift package -- is to get a gift certificate to a discount store, a cute warm sweats/legging set for a little kid, or neutral colored hoodie for an older kid, and most popular craft, toy or electronic item in your price range and a small box of candy or other food treat. The whole thing could cost anywhere from $20 on up, and make some kid very happy.

Are there any non-snark sites you can post this on? This type of stuff is very, very good, and I think would help a lot of people who aren't sure what to get. A couple Christmases ago my family was that one that had money, then didn't (medical emergencies shouldn't destroy families), and we didn't get our kids on a list on time. It hurt so bad that we couldn't do anything for Christmas, not even dollar-store gifts. Last year, when we did have money again, we got some tags off trees, and went a bit crazy on what we picked. I didn't even think about getting lower-priced things like the parents might pick. We could have gotten a lot more tags if we had thought about that. I will be doing that this year.

[DGayle]

I worked in a shelter also and people would drop off the most disgusting stuff.

One group of church ladies came with soda and treats and games,and played games with the kids and then took all the games and the leftover food back home with them. What a treat for the little ones!

Also had people show up with a few odd presents on Christmas Eve, unannounced, and then want us to bring a few kids downstairs so they could present it to them in person.

It was all awful.

Both of those are sick. At least leave the food, and the second sounds like someone who was giving only for the expected adoration.

[Rescinded and Mended]

I remember, during my son's first year of cancer treatment, that we were really slammed with bills. Even though we had excellent insurance for him, we were in debt to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. It was a rough time for everyone, so we signed him up to be "adopted" by a family for Christmas on the cancer floor. The idea of it was something small, each family was encouraged to spend no more than $50 on the patient. Our sponsor turned out to be unusually generous. She worked for an electronics company that gave her massive discounts on products, so she brought over lots of gifts. Instead of dropping the gifts off at the hospital for us to pick up, she wanted to meet us in person. She surprised us one day in clinic after we exchanged e-mails, and the whole encounter gave me some very mixed emotions. On the one hand, the woman was very kind, and my son loved all the presents. We were grateful for her generosity. On the other hand, I felt guilty because she had brought over so much. Some of the expensive electronics she showered on my son could have gone to other households that were struggling more than ours were. And also, the fact that she wanted to meet us just made me feel strange, like we were a personal project to be undertaken or an oddity to be admired.

I didn't sign up with the program for the next three years that my son was undergoing chemo because our finances improved, but it was also because the whole experience left me feeling kind of uncomfortable. In hindsight, I wish the whole thing had been done more anonymously.

[Feberin]

I don't really like the trade idea either. I love my kids' reaction when they come downstairs and find their gifts on Christmas morning. I can't imagine then saying "before you open anything pick something to give away." Also we have toys in various places around the house so the kids would have to run all over the house to find everything. And since all toys are communal it would be challenging to make sure my son didn't just try to give away all my daughter's favorite toys.

Instead I try to regularly clean out their toys. Perhaps when they're older they'll get involved but at two and four years it feels like they would just suddenly decide that the toys I'm suggesting we give away are now their favorite toy ever! Despite having not played with it for months. I put the toys out in our garage for a couple weeks then donate them. I figure this way if I accidently take something they really love they can ask for it and I'll just retrieve it from the garage. This has yet to happen.

[Full enough quiver]

We clean out bedrooms twice a year. Once during Thanksgiving break to make way for Christmas, and again the first week of summer vacation, usually to get rid of too small/torn/stained clothing. Hubby and I the set the example and do it too. The kids each make a pile of things they don't want/wear/play with. Then they are allowed to "shop" each other's piles. (The girls especially like this, as we are all close in size) Whatever is in good shape gets donated to our local church that gives it to the poor. Whatever is in bad shape gets donated to the animal shelter.

[SoybeanQueen]

Oh, and PLEASE do not insist on meeting the family that is getting the gifts ( new or used). It is fucking humiliating for them.

Years ago, my boss at a former job had the whole office get gifts for a large-ish family. It was a great idea, but then the boss also wanted to deliver the gifts personally *and* wanted some of the employees to go, as well. Guess who was new and got roped into going along? It was one of the most awkward moments of my entire life. I cannot even begin to imagine how horrible it must have been for the family.

[fun2beme]

I agree that you have to be careful to whom you donate. My mom's church used to do angel trees and she said they had tons of probs with it. First, people would donate old, beat-up crap, so they instituted an unwrapped-only policy. Then people were dropping off items after Christmas, which missed the point. Then there were times not everything made it to the recipients... all sort of issues.

Another church I attended did the tree as well, and while I'm not denying anyone a treat, some items were heart-breaking, like a scarf and mittens set for a 6-year old, or PJs for a 4-year old. Then others wanted high ticket items - ones that stick out were a Redskins' jersey and a pair of high-end Nikes. We all deserve a treat but I think that for most people, those items are way out of budget for their own kids.

I really like to support the Marine's Toys for Tots. It's a great organization with an established reputation (I hope!) but I suppose the added bonus of taking a hot cocoa from a hot Marine in full uniform kind of decreases the selflessness of my part. ;)

[moodygirl86]

We clean out bedrooms twice a year. Once during Thanksgiving break to make way for Christmas, and again the first week of summer vacation, usually to get rid of too small/torn/stained clothing. Hubby and I the set the example and do it too. The kids each make a pile of things they don't want/wear/play with. Then they are allowed to "shop" each other's piles. (The girls especially like this, as we are all close in size) Whatever is in good shape gets donated to our local church that gives it to the poor. Whatever is in bad shape gets donated to the animal shelter.

That sounds like a nicer, as well as more practical method.

[patsymae]

I know this is an old thread but I'm reviving it because it's now the holiday season, and especially because I recently read a thread in another site in which parents (in this case, worse, of children adopted from foster care) discuss ways to get their children to get over their resistance to giving away their toys to poor children and learn to be "generous" in time for Christmas. And because many of the responses noted that they had had their children personally show up to donate their toys to the "poor" kids and meet the kids their toys were going to, so apparently that made it that much more meaningful.

Aside from the giving-away thing, which I have personal opinions about but that's up to the parents I guess, as a former poor child, as well as a thinking human being, I do want to point out (yeah, here my personal opinion is dogmatic) that "poor" kids really don't appreciate being dragged out over the holidays to meet perfect strangers so they can watch you as they bestow their used stuff. Pass on your used toys and clothing (not saying they won't be appreciated, needed or used in another context) to a recognized charity, or freecycle them, but don't show up, especially with your kids, and insist on having the children give away, whether gleefully or reluctantly, their used possessions to actual other children.

It just sucks on so many levels.

Any of the shelter workers or former recipients of "generosity" who commented before, I wish you would again.

[Rescinded and Mended]

Thanks bumping this thread, I really enjoyed reading it the first time around. :)

I will go ahead and add that my husband and I have always been extremely careful about thinning out Boy R and M's possessions. I have always sat down with him and we've gone through his things together, and then he usually decides what he wants to toss. Sometimes, with a bit more urging on my part (Have you used this in the last year? Does this shirt fit you anymore?), he'll get rid of more items than he might have originally.

As a cancer patient, I've had to think carefully about the fact that for several years, Boy R and M has had very little control over the circumstances in his own life. For over three years, he has had numerous doctor visits, chemotherapy drugs, and hospitalizations. He had no control over his health or his energy levels; he really didn't have much control over anything other than his possessions. I could donate a watch that I haven't seen him wear that often, or a game that I haven't seen him play, but it's the sort of thing that could crush him if he thought he didn't have a say-so in its donation, or in the potential decision to keep it.

Kids don't need lots of toys and accessories, but they need choices in what should be done with them so that they know they are respected by their parents, and especially if they have no control over more serious aspects of their lives.

[nelliebelle1197]

This is a good thread! I had forgotten it. It needs to be pinned each November.

[SoSoNosy]

JC Penney used to participate in the Angel Tree program; it was so great. You could go through the list, pick out items on JCP's website, and they would arrange to deliver the items. I always picked out older kids and senior citizens, usually ones with some sizing 'issues' because that ran in my family. They don't do that anymore, and I miss it so much. I donate through our church's benevolent fund, and know that what I donate is distributed wisely and with love, but it's not the same. I don't get out to the few shopping centers that have "trees", but I do put money in the bell ringers' buckets at the grocery store.

[Jana814]

That sounds like a nicer, as well as more practical method.

Have to agree!

[busdrivingmom]

I don't ask my kids to get rid of toys/clothes to get new ones at Christmas. I will ask them once a month to go through their clothes and we donate what is still in good shape and scrap what is not. As for toys, I usually ask them once a year to go through their stuff and anything still good gets donated. I used to pass stuff down to other family members but after complaints my kids don't wear designer labels, that stopped. Used uniforms go back to school for exchange twice a year.

As for volunteering, we do stuff such as Feed my Starving Children or the food bank that is 30 minutes away. When we did PADS, it was before anyone was there, we helped setup and we left a different way than where people are waiting to get in. I have seen families I know when I help at the church food bank, but I don't say anything unless they say hi first and then not gossip to others who I saw there.

[DGayle]

Our housing community adopts a couple families each year, and this year a tag stood out to me. I went home, since we were a bit tight on money, but it still get gnawing at me. I went back and got the tag.

A man simply asked for a mop and bucket.

How sad is that? The rest of his list was things for his son, and all he asked for himself was something to clean the floor, probably with water. We took our kids shopping, and let them pick out a mop, bucket, and enough cleaning supplies to last at least a year. :cry:

[micatite]

When I was a college kid with no money (and surrounded by the same), members our college Men's and Women's Choruses would get together with members of the Alumni Chorus and do caroling. We went to hotels and touristy spots (this was in SF), but also to hospitals and homeless shelters. I hope the folks in the shelters liked it and didn't find it annoying or patronizing.

I'm really big on the 'Spark of Love' toy drive that is done through the So. CA fire departments where you can drop the items off at pretty much any fire department near you. Also, each Friday before Christmas a local weather man shows up dressed as an elf for 'Stuff a Bus' events that also go to benefit the same program. All new stuff, always. I hate the idea of a kid not having a toy for Christmas, so I try to buy ahead in after Christmas sales to get the best bang for my bucks. I usually give multiple gifts so that multiple kids can get something, though my mom and I have occasionally pooled our funds to get a 'big' gift like a wooden firehouse set that would last through more than one kid. And I try to make it stuff that I would have thought was 'cool' when I was a kid (why would I want to give something I wouldn't have wanted to receive), but also stuff that doesn't require batteries (which would be an additional unwanted expense for a poor parent.)

On the used front, I do recall collecting (very) gently used stuffed animals for a specific purpose. My mom worked for the Employment Development Department (ie: unemployment insurance), and they always get a lot of folks who get laid off this time of year from certain trades like construction. They put up a tree in the lobby and decorated it with, of all things, Happy Meal toys and such like. Then they'd put the stuffed toys around the bottom. It looked festive, but it was also a thing where, if someone came in to file a claim or look for work or whatnot, and they'd brought their child with them due to lack of childcare (not uncommon), the child could play with a stuffed toy while mommy or daddy dealt with their unemployment issues AND if their parents agreed, they could keep it or pick else one of the little toys off the tree. The employees would save up Happy Meal type toys and those crane game stuffed toys all year long for that purpose, and then cull their kids or grandkids' stuffed toys (kids tend to get way more than they ever need) to add to it. My mom said it was nice because it was really obvious to her that for some of those kids, whose parents were out of work and for whom the unemployment check was the only income they had coming in and it was needed for food and/or shelter, it might be the only toy they'd get that year. But it was also one of those things that nobody made a big deal out of it in order to preserve people's dignity...they'd just slip a quiet word in the client's ear when they were at the counter taking care of business.