To parents who celebrate gift-giving holidays..

[acat7]

I thought this was an awesome idea, so I thought I would share. This family uses this idea to fit their Santa Clause/ Christmas tradition, but it could certainly be tweeked to fit another "gift giving" holiday.

I was recently talking to a family at my church that has always had the tradition of their kids give up some of their existing toys in order to get new ones at Christmas.

The setup: The three kids each pick out a wrapped gift and put it in front of them. In order to be allowed to unwrap it, they have to go get one of their existing toys as "exchange" for the new present, to be donated. This keeps going for as many wrapped gifts as there are. Then after breakfast, the family volunteers at a soup kitchen and brings the donated toys there. The mom said since the kids have been doing this for as long as they can remember, they don't complain at all about losing a toy. In fact, she said that over the years the kids have- totally on their own- started saying a few words when they "exchange" their toy about how they hope someone else loves "x" toy as much as they have, or that they're happy that someone else gets a turn with it, etc. Seems like they are grasping the concept and that doesn't surprise me because they're lovely kids. I taught two of them in Sunday School when I was in high school.

I always thought that was SO nice (everyone wins- the kids donate toys, understand giving, and mom keeps the toyroom clutter down) and would definitely want to do a variation of that when I have kids of my own.

[Closed Womb]

Certainly a great idea for keeping toy clutter down.

I also recommend supplementing this by children also being involved with buying new toys for children less fortunate (assuming the family buys new for themselves), as only giving old toys can reinforce the idea that poor people/people down on their luck deserve less (never, ever true for a child.) Just be sure it's a reputable organization. I used to donate to foster kids on those angel wish trees until my own friends, who made upwards of 100K/yr in an area that 100K would mean you're rich, got free stuff for the foster kids they could easily buy for (both out of pocket and through the state, as each child had an account for "extras" like bday gifts, amusement park trips, etc.) Whenever it was age inappropriate or something they didn't think their fosters (later adopted by them) would like, they regifted rather than redonating. :cry:

[PrairieGirl]

This is a good idea. I am all about keeping the house de-cluttered, and so many times I have seen my kids play with a toy/animal ONCE and then it is never used again. We volunteer at our city's Rescue Mission twice a month to help keep it clean, and every single time we go I tell our kids to grab something that they want to donate. It has become something they now automatically do, and they enjoy meeting children at the shelter who are far less fortunate than them and benefit from donations.

[louisa05]

In spirit, this is good. In practice, it can go wrong. My nephew's mother tried this. The kids tended to want to give away their oldest, nastiest toys. She didn't like that and would go after something newer (fair enough, giving away old things is not all that generous). She ignored their sentiments or attachments and things that mattered greatly to them were taken from them. After a stuffed toy given to him by a recently deceased great-great aunt on our side of the family was donated against his will, leaving him in tears, my nephew took to stashing stuff he really cared about at my parents' house to keep his mom from forcing him to give it away--he was 5 at the time. He's 19 now and still keeps things there to protect them from her. He learned to identify giving and generosity with hurt and even to identify gifts with being hurt. The whole trade thing made him feel that he wasn't really being given anything at all because it is all conditional and earned. And he guards his possessions ferociously lest someone make him give away something that matters to him.

It is not wrong to try to teach kids generosity, I'm just not sure this is the best method. I agree that having kids help pick out and donate new things is beneficial (and bravo to the point that poor kids should have new toys sometimes, too). It also stood out to me that while my nephew's mother forced him to give away his own things in order to be given anything, she never helped him to buy gifts for others. At 19, he still doesn't do so unless someone else pushes him to. My parents, from the time we were small, helped my brother and I to "buy" gifts for them and for each other for all the typical gift giving events. Never large or elaborate things, but small things to help us remember that it is never just about having people buy things for us, but about giving as well.

As for the too many toys problem...there are better ways to combat it. Simply do not engage it. Christmas at our house when we were growing up meant one new toy and a few small things plus some practical items like socks and pajamas. Birthdays meant one gift from mom & dad, not a party with all the kids from school bringing junk toys. As a godparent, I have been asked not to shower the kids with toys and have been happy to comply. They have a large library thanks to me instead. Grandparents can be asked to do something similar.

[acat7]

In spirit, this is good. In practice, it can go wrong. My nephew's mother tried this. The kids tended to want to give away their oldest, nastiest toys. She didn't like that and would go after something newer (fair enough, giving away old things is not all that generous). She ignored their sentiments or attachments and things that mattered greatly to them were taken from them. After a stuffed toy given to him by a recently deceased great-great aunt on our side of the family was donated against his will, leaving him in tears, my nephew took to stashing stuff he really cared about at my parents' house to keep his mom from forcing him to give it away--he was 5 at the time. He's 19 now and still keeps things there to protect them from her. He learned to identify giving and generosity with hurt and even to identify gifts with being hurt. The whole trade thing made him feel that he wasn't really being given anything at all because it is all conditional and earned. And he guards his possessions ferociously lest someone make him give away something that matters to him.

It is not wrong to try to teach kids generosity, I'm just not sure this is the best method. I agree that having kids help pick out and donate new things is beneficial (and bravo to the point that poor kids should have new toys sometimes, too). It also stood out to me that while my nephew's mother forced him to give away his own things in order to be given anything, she never helped him to buy gifts for others. At 19, he still doesn't do so unless someone else pushes him to. My parents, from the time we were small, helped my brother and I to "buy" gifts for them and for each other for all the typical gift giving events. Never large or elaborate things, but small things to help us remember that it is never just about having people buy things for us, but about giving as well.

As for the too many toys problem...there are better ways to combat it. Simply do not engage it. Christmas at our house when we were growing up meant one new toy and a few small things plus some practical items like socks and pajamas. Birthdays meant one gift from mom & dad, not a party with all the kids from school bringing junk toys. As a godparent, I have been asked not to shower the kids with toys and have been happy to comply. They have a large library thanks to me instead. Grandparents can be asked to do something similar.

I understand your insight for sure. I think the idea is more to reinforce that they don't need "all the stuff" so they need to "share" all the stuff instead of having double. But, we also do a Salvation Army tree at the church and I know that the family also does this too, so they definitely still buy new for the less fortunate. That's something I plan on doing too, my family has always done those

[PrairieGirl]

In spirit, this is good. In practice, it can go wrong. My nephew's mother tried this. The kids tended to want to give away their oldest, nastiest toys. She didn't like that and would go after something newer (fair enough, giving away old things is not all that generous). She ignored their sentiments or attachments and things that mattered greatly to them were taken from them. After a stuffed toy given to him by a recently deceased great-great aunt on our side of the family was donated against his will, leaving him in tears, my nephew took to stashing stuff he really cared about at my parents' house to keep his mom from forcing him to give it away--he was 5 at the time. He's 19 now and still keeps things there to protect them from her. He learned to identify giving and generosity with hurt and even to identify gifts with being hurt. The whole trade thing made him feel that he wasn't really being given anything at all because it is all conditional and earned. And he guards his possessions ferociously lest someone make him give away something that matters to him.

It is not wrong to try to teach kids generosity, I'm just not sure this is the best method. I agree that having kids help pick out and donate new things is beneficial (and bravo to the point that poor kids should have new toys sometimes, too). It also stood out to me that while my nephew's mother forced him to give away his own things in order to be given anything, she never helped him to buy gifts for others. At 19, he still doesn't do so unless someone else pushes him to. My parents, from the time we were small, helped my brother and I to "buy" gifts for them and for each other for all the typical gift giving events. Never large or elaborate things, but small things to help us remember that it is never just about having people buy things for us, but about giving as well.

As for the too many toys problem...there are better ways to combat it. Simply do not engage it. Christmas at our house when we were growing up meant one new toy and a few small things plus some practical items like socks and pajamas. Birthdays meant one gift from mom & dad, not a party with all the kids from school bringing junk toys. As a godparent, I have been asked not to shower the kids with toys and have been happy to comply. They have a large library thanks to me instead. Grandparents can be asked to do something similar.

That is a sad story about your nephew and giving away a toy he loved. I would hope that most parents would not do that. I do see your point about having children associate giving with hurt and loss. If done properly, that can be avoided.

In our house when we donate old toys, it is an unspoken rule that we give away nice, very gently used things. One advantage I have is that my parents - no matter how many times I tell them our kids have enough shit - constantly buy our kids things, even if there is no special occasion such as a birthday. So we are always collecting new toys/games/animals that I know we will never use and will get thrown into a closet or the basement eventually. So for us, it is easy to tell our kids to find something they don't use anymore and donate it.

Also, I reread my first post and I felt that I sounded like I was bragging for our family volunteering. That was not the point I was trying to make. Our family began volunteering for our rescue mission when our kids were small. To them, it became something we simply did twice a month, no question about it. Much like a job or extracurricular activity. Yes, once in a while they complain about going because they'd rather sit on their butts and watch TV, but they know their complaints are falling on deaf ears.

And it is not like we volunteer tons and tons of time. We simply go twice a month to clean. This gives our kids the opportunity to see that some kids don't have the luxury of their own rooms and tons of nice toys; all they want is to sleep on a clean, warm cot for a night.

[louisa05]

I understand your insight for sure. I think the idea is more to reinforce that they don't need "all the stuff" so they need to "share" all the stuff instead of having double. But, we also do a Salvation Army tree at the church and I know that the family also does this too, so they definitely still buy new for the less fortunate. That's something I plan on doing too, my family has always done those

The trade idea just doesn't work for me. Particularly if you have a sensitive child, which nephew was (fear he got it from his aunt).

The message can easily be, too, "we only give to others if we get something first". There is a subtle consumerist message there--you can give away something old now because we have given you something new to replace it--no sacrifice in that.

Why not simply clean up and clean out a once a year and donate unused, unwanted stuff then? Why must it be attached to a birthday or Christmas or other holiday? (When I was growing up, this happened rather routinely when we moved, because we moved frequently).

[Coconut Flan]

I don't like the trade aspect at all. I prefer to keep receiving gifts and culling the collection as completely separate issues. I have to watch hoarder tendencies due to my mother using any time I was away from the house as time for her to get rid of anything of mine she found old, disturbing, or in whatever way was displeasing to her. I'm not a hoarder, but it is more difficult for me to part with things than it should be. So far none of my children seem to have issues getting rid of things. It was always their decision and there was no quota or coercion on my part. I think it's much healthier that way. Giving gifts should have no strings attached. Give freely or don't give is my approach. Requiring kids to basically exchange gifts is a huge string.

We took the kids to the store before Christmas for them to pick out new toys to give for various toy drives. They loved it and they still do it.

[acat7]

That's true. I'm really young and don't have children of my own or nieces or nephews, so maybe thats where I dont factor something in. I just thought it was really nice for the family that does that- the little kids were so cute and excited telling me about it (and then their mom, explaining further) that I thought it was a nice idea worth sharing (of course also realizing that child raising ideas always need to be tweeked to fit the family adopting the idea). My apologies if I upset anyone :cry:

[Anny Nym]

I don't like the trade aspect at all. I prefer to keep receiving gifts and culling the collection as completely separate issues. I have to watch hoarder tendencies due to my mother using any time I was away from the house as time for her to get rid of anything of mine she found old, disturbing, or in whatever way was displeasing to her. I'm not a hoarder, but it is more difficult for me to part with things than it should be. So far none of my children seem to have issues getting rid of things. It was always their decision and there was no quota or coercion on my part. I think it's much healthier that way. Giving gifts should have no strings attached. Give freely or don't give is my approach. Requiring kids to basically exchange gifts is a huge string.

We took the kids to the store before Christmas for them to pick out new toys to give for various toy drives. They loved it and they still do it.

I have to agree completely with this.

I think a child should make the decision of doing acts of charity out of their own free will. "Lead by good example" is one of our main child-rearing maximes. Besides, we are strictly against "clutter toys", so the little Nymlings have fewer but more conscious choosed toys, which they should decide on their own time when to give away if even (not included heirloom toys, grandparents on both sides would FREAK OUT :D).

We participate at the Caritas Christmas- and Easter actions every year, which are like "secret Santa".

[Anny Nym]

That's true. I'm really young and don't have children of my own or nieces or nephews, so maybe thats where I dont factor something in. I just thought it was really nice for the family that does that- the little kids were so cute and excited telling me about it (and then their mom, explaining further) that I thought it was a nice idea worth sharing (of course also realizing that child raising ideas always need to be tweeked to fit the family adopting the idea). My apologies if I upset anyone :cry:

I don´t think you upset anyone! Don´t feel discouraged about sharing ideas and impulses. :wink-kitty:

[Mama Mia]

I'm sorry I'm going to disagree with the entire thing.

I think the idea of exchanging an old thing for a new thing could cause some or all of the problems others mentioned - consumerism ,sadness for a sensitive kid, etc... And the one to one exchange seems like it would take all of the excitement out of Christmas present unwrapping.

But my main issue comes from the perspective of the service organization that gets all these used toys. I worked in those types of agencies my entire adult life. I spoke with all the other similar type agency directors and workers my entire adult life. If there is any one thing that is pretty much agreed upon among shelters and food kitchens and AnY other service for poor kids -- everyone comes to absolutely HATE this kind of thing.

Every single Christmas every single agency is absolutely bombarded with an average of 10 zillion "gently used" toys and children's clothes. It's a very nice thought, but the staff do not want to deal with this. Especially at Christmas. They will smile at you when you drop them off, they will even gush enthusiastically about how grateful they are. They are lying to you.

All of these agencies that do any kind of Christmas giving program for their clients will sign up with one or more Angel Tree type programs to get all the kids covered for new gifts. In our agency this meant that each already overburdened, stressed out worker was also juggling the wish list of 100 or so kids, spread out between 5 or 6 different gift donation programs because:

*You get your neediest kids signed up for program A that is very generous and will gift clothes as well as toys.

*And you use program B for whole families, and you know that mom x really needs a pick-me-up since dad just beat the shit out of her.

*And the teens need to get signed up with program c because for some idiotic reason everyone loves to shower infants with gifts, even though they would be happy with a box, while nobody gives a fuck about gifts for kids past the cute stage, even though those are the kids who something cool really matters to.

*And you save program d that gives one cheap gift per kid for the families who you know are lying when they say they aren't already signed up 10 other places and/or are already getting a boatload of gifts from their wealthy grandparents.

And then the worker also has to juggle all the pick up and drop off and scheduling of all of these gifts, while the vast majority of clients are blowing up because Christmas is incredibly triggering for anyone poor and in crisis.

The very best case scenario for the very best of the actually gently used toys, that can actually be passed off as new, is they will be used to help fill in when at least two or three of the kids you signed up end up with the donations falling through or getting lost before the staff can get them. Which always happens.

The vast, vast majority of the toys will be stuffed in a storage closet and pulled out later in the year to either be played with by kids while their parents have an appointment, or in a Free box. If folks want to donate those kind of gently used toys, for the love of God, do the following:

1) look around at agency websites and see if anyone has actually, specifically, asked for gently used toys or clothes.

2) make sure these toys and clothes are REALLY gently used and usable. Nobody, no matter how poor, wants your kids puzzle or game with important pieces missing. Nobody. Nobody wants someone else's stained up chonies. Nobody.

3)Unless specifically requested, please, please, please donate used items sometime other than the Christmas season. Like in March. Or July. Please.

Also, for people who take their kids to volunteer at shelters and soup kitchens, please do not take your school age kids to volunteer at a place anywhere in the vicinity of your kids school. If they see kids from their class in the shelter or eating at the soup kitchen it can be absolutely mortifying for the child using the services.

Oh, and PLEASE do not insist on meeting the family that is getting the gifts ( new or used). It is fucking humiliating for them.

End of soapbox. Man that felt good.

[acat7]

Also, for people who take their kids to volunteer at shelters and soup kitchens, please do not take your school age kids to volunteer at a place anywhere in the vicinity of your kids school. If they see kids from their class in the shelter or eating at the soup kitchen it can be absolutely mortifying for the child using the services.

Oh, and PLEASE do not insist on meeting the family that is getting the gifts ( new or used). It is fucking humiliating for them.

End of soapbox. Man that felt good.

People are actually dumb enough to do that? I thought that was common sense. I've been volunteering at shelters with my family and youth groups since I was ten and I've always been taken a minimum of 30 minutes away. And when I was a child, I always worked in the kitchen cutting cucumbers or something equally as menial. I wasn't allowed to "meet" any children (basically handing out coloring books and whatnot) until I was old enough to appear as an adult figure to the children at the center.

I guess the problems with "good deeds" sometimes is that when you hear of an idea, you automatically picture what YOU would do- not taking into account that other people might do it very differently that could make a good idea in theory go a totally different direction. For me, I would never in a million years let my kids donate something that wasn't in near awesome condition (as my mom always insisted when we donated), or force my kids to give up their favorite doll/truck/ whatever. I'd also make sure my kids knew that we weren't above anyone else, people just go through hard times at different times and that's why you always have to be grateful for what you have and share when you can.

[louisa05]

That's true. I'm really young and don't have children of my own or nieces or nephews, so maybe thats where I dont factor something in. I just thought it was really nice for the family that does that- the little kids were so cute and excited telling me about it (and then their mom, explaining further) that I thought it was a nice idea worth sharing (of course also realizing that child raising ideas always need to be tweeked to fit the family adopting the idea). My apologies if I upset anyone :cry:

No worries. I was not and am not upset. I just think we always have to be careful to think about what message we are sending to children. The motive we have in mind in doing something and the message they get from it are often two very different things.

[Coconut Flan]

I'm not upset either. Like others, I can see some downsides to the idea and wanted to put them out there for consideration.

[DGayle]

People are actually dumb enough to do that? I thought that was common sense. I've been volunteering at shelters with my family and youth groups since I was ten and I've always been taken a minimum of 30 minutes away. And when I was a child, I always worked in the kitchen cutting cucumbers or something equally as menial. I wasn't allowed to "meet" any children (basically handing out coloring books and whatnot) until I was old enough to appear as an adult figure to the children at the center.

I guess the problems with "good deeds" sometimes is that when you hear of an idea, you automatically picture what YOU would do- not taking into account that other people might do it very differently that could make a good idea in theory go a totally different direction. For me, I would never in a million years let my kids donate something that wasn't in near awesome condition (as my mom always insisted when we donated), or force my kids to give up their favorite doll/truck/ whatever. I'd also make sure my kids knew that we weren't above anyone else, people just go through hard times at different times and that's why you always have to be grateful for what you have and share when you can.

I've heard about clothing donation places sending whatever gets donated at store A over to store C an hour away, and store C sending their incomings to store B, at least when I was younger and there was a stigma against buying used clothes. When I was in high school, thrifting became trendy. The point of all the exchanging among the stores was to try to prevent a noticeable item from being bought by someone in the community where it was donated where it could be recognized by the giver and made into an embarrassing situation for the buyer.

Our rule growing up was always don't donate what you wouldn't be happy to receive. The rest of the toys we didn't want we exchanged with friends and other young relatives, and old clothes that were stained and too small went to smaller relatives and friends as play clothes.

[DGayle]

All of these agencies that do any kind of Christmas giving program for their clients will sign up with one or more Angel Tree type programs to get all the kids covered for new gifts. In our agency this meant that each already overburdened, stressed out worker was also juggling the wish list of 100 or so kids, spread out between 5 or 6 different gift donation programs because:

I'm hearing more about places that can't even accept used toys because of the concern over lead. My favorite thrift shops don't take used toys at all.

[patsymae]

I worked in a shelter also and people would drop off the most disgusting stuff.

One group of church ladies came with soda and treats and games,and played games with the kids and then took all the games and the leftover food back home with them. What a treat for the little ones!

Also had people show up with a few odd presents on Christmas Eve, unannounced, and then want us to bring a few kids downstairs so they could present it to them in person.

It was all awful.

I think one year my church had a toy drive, or participated in one, but even though it was a very affluent congregation, turns out most of the people donated used stuff and the children were very disappointed.

This year my family is doing something I learned about in another city--setting up a "store" so the kids can buy present for their families. We'll donate dollar-store items (you can actually get some decent stuff around here, picture frames, scarves, gloves, keychains, mugs, coloring books and books, and all the wrapping and stuff, and will set up the store and do the wrapping. The kids can pick out gifts for their parents and brothers and sisters, we'll wrap and tag them, and the children will give the gifts themselves on Christmas. Our kids I think (hope) will get the spirit without having to give up their own stuff.

The shelter loves, loves the idea. I'll let you know how it works out.

I was also told by workers that everybody likes to give stuff for little kids on Christmas, but forgets about the teens, who want gifts too, and she suggested gift cards for, say, iTunes or Claires.

[louisa05]

I was also told by workers that everybody likes to give stuff for little kids on Christmas, but forgets about the teens, who want gifts too, and she suggested gift cards for, say, iTunes or Claires.

The Catholic high school I taught in had each homeroom group get Christmas gifts for teens in a local shelter or children's home each year. My students actually loved planning something for someone their own age. Usually there was a brief description of the kids (male/female, age, a couple of interests or requests). The students usually put together nice gifts by pooling their own money and even sometimes getting their employers to donate. Student Council sponsor delivered the whole van load and there was no nonsense of trying to interact with the recipients.

[Mama Mia]

The Catholic high school I taught in had each homeroom group get Christmas gifts for teens in a local shelter or children's home each year. My students actually loved planning something for someone their own age. Usually there was a brief description of the kids (male/female, age, a couple of interests or requests). The students usually put together nice gifts by pooling their own money and even sometimes getting their employers to donate. Student Council sponsor delivered the whole van load and there was no nonsense of trying to interact with the recipients.

Very, very good plan. It really is awful how the teens are usually left out, when they are the ones who have the hardest time not having the same things as their peers.

With any kind of group giving like that one thing I would strongly, strongly suggest is that someone make sure that gifts that are going to multiple children in a family, or residents of a shelter, all get things of relatively similar value. They don't all need to be the same gift, but it really, really sucks when one child gets name brand trendy clothes, and a gift card and the latest cool ( expensive) electronic gadget - and their sibling gets a t-shirt from k-mart and a puzzle.

This actually happens a lot, because small businesses /groups will pick a family/shelter to help and the employees will each pick a person in the family to buy for, and of course the minimum wage cashier will do what they can, and the boss will do what they can -- and the results are very dissimilar. Which is hard on kids. So if your group knows gifts will be going to kids who are living in the same place, please try to find a way to even it out.

Also, another couple tips that are greatly appreciated, both related to the same thing--- unless you are sure that the gifts are going to be distributed at some group event where the children are present ( many places will have a Santa party, for example ), assume that the parents of the children will be giving the gifts as coming from them ( or Santa). For many of the parents the only gifts that they are able to give the children are whatever is donated, and it's really wonderful if the parents are able to do that in a way that makes them feel most empowered. The holidays are really, really difficult for parents who are broke ( especially the ones who used to have money ), and there is usually a ton of bad emotional triggers as well, so being able to are sure their child gets something they really want, to the extent possible, really, really helps

Giving gift certificates to the whole family is usually great. Preferably to K-Mart or whatever the lowest priced department store in the town that is easily accessible by public transportation, this gives the parents the opportunity to get what they know the kids want, or for the child to pick something out themselves. If you are buying for children, a gift certificate to a toy store is awesome. The one downside of gift certificates meant for presents is that occasionally the parents will end up using them for household supplies instead, or, rarely, buy stuff, return it, and use the cash for drugs. No one wants to hear or think about that, and it isn't common -- but it does happen. So ask the agency you are going through what they prefer. If you can have a store locally that is reasonably priced, carries a good range of kids merchandise and returns are only for store credit-- that's ideal.

If you are giving a gift for a specific child, try to get as detailed information as possible about what they like - sizes, colors, types of activities, current character obsession. If the Angel tag says the kid wishes for a skateboard or football don't assume the kid will be just as happy with an art kit because that's what you would have liked at that age. If any kind of interest is specified try to buy within that interest. It doesn't need to be expensive. A little girl who is obsessed with Frozen would be ecstatic to get some $50 mini-castle ( I can not believe how expensive this shit is!) but also very, very happy to get the $5 Frozen activity book and a set of crayons. This not only makes the kids happy, it also really helps the parent to give something they would of picked themselves.

If all you know about the kid is the age and/or gender, and you don't know any similar kids, a good way to get an idea of what is currently popular is to go on Amazon and do a sort for most popular toys for the age group of kid, and in your price range. This gives you at least a general idea of what's out there.

Unless they specify otherwise, Get the gifts to the agency as early as possible, this makes distribution much, much easier. It also really helps so the staff ( and parents) can make up where things are short. Staff standing in some long line to buy gifts for someone else's kids on Christmas Eve, because some church said they would bring gifts for 12 kids on the 23rd, but only brought gifts for 10 of them --- sucks. A lot.

If you're buying more than one gift for a particular child, and there aren't other more detailed requests, a great gift package -- is to get a gift certificate to a discount store, a cute warm sweats/legging set for a little kid, or neutral colored hoodie for an older kid, and most popular craft, toy or electronic item in your price range and a small box of candy or other food treat. The whole thing could cost anywhere from $20 on up, and make some kid very happy.

[louisa05]

All good advice, Mama Mia.

The gift drive at school, after my first year, went to a local "children's home" that has evolved into a group home setting for teens that cannot, for whatever reason, live at home. They have four or five "cottages" each with a couple as house parents. The kids attend the local public high school and after a rather disastrous year when they got charity gifts their own classmates were involved in collecting, the public Stu-Co advisor approached our school about taking over that project.

Our StuCo advisor was great about setting guidelines and making sure that if one homeroom dropped the ball, the gifts were brought up to par. Another female teacher and I actually did extra shopping with him one year to even out a couple of gifts--and bless him, over half the money that day was out of his pocket. Gifts were, specifically, not to be tagged other than with a number which was provided so that the home/house parents knew who they went to. They did not want to even use first names so our students would not get any idea who the kids might be as it is not a tiny town (a few have pt jobs and such). I think only the administrators of the home knew who did the gift collecting and it was referred to in our wider school news (parent and alumni newsletters and even announcements) only as a "Christmas gift drive" without specifying where it went. Some kids knew, but "we are giving gifts to these poor kids at the home on 23rd St" was not said or emphasized at all. The year that the public high school did it, publicized the place, and had first names...was a bad, bad thing for the recipients.

[moodygirl86]

This thread reminds me of Nick Hornby's "How To Be Good". It's about this middle-class North London couple (wife's a GP, husband's a journalist) with two kids under 10. They've always lived a fairly comfortable lifestyle, but the wife gets bored and has an affair. After confessing to her husband, he comes to the conclusion that it was his fault for not loving her enough and resolves to be a better person - ie, a prig! His kids are gutted when he makes them give away their favourite toys to a battered women's refuge...and that's just the start. But I won't say any more in case anyone else wants to read it.

[itsnotmeitsu]

I'm not big on the "trade" either, but we are trying to teach my toddler to give with a joyful heart. We have a bank, and for every dollar she gets in cards, we put 10 cents into the bank. If we find money in the street, we put it in the bank. She loves to put it in the bank, and I taught her to say "God Bless You" when she puts the money in, because we wish happiness to whoever gets the benefit of it. When it's Christmas, we'll take the bank and donate it to charity. We're also going to start picking a child off the Angel Tree, and help, and also, because we lost my dad this year, going to adopt a senior citizen and help them. I don't want her to think that charity means sacrifice of her things, because I don't know what she thinks of as precious. If, as she gets older, she wants to get rid of things, that's OK.

[itsnotmeitsu]

I'm not big on the "trade" either, but we are trying to teach my toddler to give with a joyful heart. We have a bank, and for every dollar she gets in cards, we put 10 cents into the bank. If we find money in the street, we put it in the bank. She loves to put it in the bank, and I taught her to say "God Bless You" when she puts the money in, because we wish happiness to whoever gets the benefit of it. When it's Christmas, we'll take the bank and donate it to charity. We're also going to start picking a child off the Angel Tree, and help, and also, because we lost my dad this year, going to adopt a senior citizen and help them. I don't want her to think that charity means sacrifice of her things, because I don't know what she thinks of as precious. If, as she gets older, she wants to get rid of things, that's OK.

[louisa05]

I'm not big on the "trade" either, but we are trying to teach my toddler to give with a joyful heart. We have a bank, and for every dollar she gets in cards, we put 10 cents into the bank. If we find money in the street, we put it in the bank. She loves to put it in the bank, and I taught her to say "God Bless You" when she puts the money in, because we wish happiness to whoever gets the benefit of it. When it's Christmas, we'll take the bank and donate it to charity. We're also going to start picking a child off the Angel Tree, and help, and also, because we lost my dad this year, going to adopt a senior citizen and help them. I don't want her to think that charity means sacrifice of her things, because I don't know what she thinks of as precious. If, as she gets older, she wants to get rid of things, that's OK.

Good stuff. I fear that when a child (especially a sensitive one) has to trade for gifts, giving might not be done with a joyful heart and becomes something they have to do to get something else. We struggled with this in the Catholic school sometimes because when you continually have a pattern of requiring/rewarding, then service and giving is not part of who they are and not done for motives of sharing. We often worried that requiring service makes it a box to check off and not something done out of love and charity--and then not something they would continue as adults. School policy was finally changed because of that and service projects became group efforts as part of theology classes and retreats rather than hours students had to check off individually. Instead of each kid needing x number of individual service hours per semester as it had been, a theology teacher would take his class to the local food bank to sort donations for a class period or some similar activity.

(And to my fellow educators...I read a little too much Alfie Kohn, rewards for expected behavior always concerns me).