What SAHDs Do All Day

[DGayle]

I also take issue with the idea that many of us were able to leave home and go to college because of a life of privilege. I left home and went to college because I had a crappy life up until that point. College was the light at the end of the tunnel for me - my escape plan - and was worth every penny of the student loans I repaid for ten years afterward.

It does take a measure of privilege. Unless you've got a job that pays well enough that you can support yourself entirely, you're getting some breaks somewhere. That might be getting enough in grants and loans, which wasn't always a certainty. Unfortunately some people have no choice but to work so many hours that they don't have time to spend four years in college.

When I was in high school, getting loans for college wasn't like it is now. These days, pretty much anyone can get loans. But back then, they looked at your parents' income and credit. My parents made too much for me to get grants (ills for necessary things like medical expenses weren't factored out since it was seen as a choice to pay your bills instead of college), but fell into the crack of not making enough to get the loans. So many of my friends fell into the same cracks. A few who qualified for some grants didn't get enough. And a very lucky few had parents with the financial means to send them to send them to college. I had some friends who tried the work-your-way-through, who had to quit because it came clear that they weren't going to get off the time they needed for classes, and working full time on top of college was going to make them sick from a lack of rest.

These days, unless you get scads in grants and loans, it still takes some privilege to get to take four years out of your life to go to school. It's not something everyone can do. It simply is not. And if you get loans these days to go to college, you can count on paying them for decades, not just one decade. Just because YOU had the opportunity does NOT mean it's available to everyone. My own family tried everything, and one of the most devastating years of my life was the day we realized it wasn't going to be possible for me to go. For all their shortcomings, they did try everything to get me into college. We tried everything down to taking out life insurance to try to get loans against the value. So we did think outside the box.

[DGayle]

I think that these girls (and often their parents as in this thread's example) have to constantly justify their choice because deep down they are as troubled by it as we are. These girls can say that they trust God will care for them but I think that many of them are constantly questioning their choice and I think that many of them are worried. What if their "prince" does not come along? What will happen if their father/brother/husband can't or won't look after them?What if all they have to look forward to is a life of servanthood? So I am bothered by all the cheerleading about being a SAHD. It rings hollow to me and feels like a lie.

I think you're on to something. These are families who thought their daughters' princes would sweep in when they turned 18, and instead they're in their 20's, or later, and are still waiting without any prospects in sight. Since their training to be a wife/mother is complete, how are they passing their time? How can potential suitors know they're not sitting on their asses eating bon bons all day? How many suitors can there be when young men are supposed to own homes before they come a-knockin' at daddy's door?

I do wonder how many of them are secretly worried. The movement is falling, and what's left are a bunch of girls and young women without the unskilled skills needed to even work in fast food. I think any trust in god is because a lot of them don't know what else to do at this point. We're starting to see fundies doing the unthinkable by letting their daughters take real classes here and there. Continuing to chant that being a SAHD is the only right way for all daughters to go is extremely dangerous, more than it was. These young adults won't get welfare if their dads die tomorrow and their brothers are married off and can't afford to support them in addition to their own families. Wives being keepers of the home made sense when running a home was a full-time job back before vacuum cleaners and when washing machines were still hand-cranked and making even an easy dinner took a couple hours, back when one income supported the household. Now that it takes a couple incomes, it just doesn't make sense at all.

[Trynn]

It does take a measure of privilege. Unless you've got a job that pays well enough that you can support yourself entirely, you're getting some breaks somewhere. That might be getting enough in grants and loans, which wasn't always a certainty. Unfortunately some people have no choice but to work so many hours that they don't have time to spend four years in college.

When I was in high school, getting loans for college wasn't like it is now. These days, pretty much anyone can get loans. But back then, they looked at your parents' income and credit. My parents made too much for me to get grants (ills for necessary things like medical expenses weren't factored out since it was seen as a choice to pay your bills instead of college), but fell into the crack of not making enough to get the loans. So many of my friends fell into the same cracks. A few who qualified for some grants didn't get enough. And a very lucky few had parents with the financial means to send them to send them to college. I had some friends who tried the work-your-way-through, who had to quit because it came clear that they weren't going to get off the time they needed for classes, and working full time on top of college was going to make them sick from a lack of rest.

These days, unless you get scads in grants and loans, it still takes some privilege to get to take four years out of your life to go to school. It's not something everyone can do. It simply is not. And if you get loans these days to go to college, you can count on paying them for decades, not just one decade. Just because YOU had the opportunity does NOT mean it's available to everyone. My own family tried everything, and one of the most devastating years of my life was the day we realized it wasn't going to be possible for me to go. For all their shortcomings, they did try everything to get me into college. We tried everything down to taking out life insurance to try to get loans against the value. So we did think outside the box.

I don't know how long ago that was for you, but I personally had to age out of the fafsa requirement just for that reason. And this was only 2-3 years ago. Sooo I doubt it has changed, though I would be pleased to hear that it has.

[lawlifelgbt]

I understand privilege, and not comparing yourself. But even being able to go to college doesn't guarantee an easy life.

Maybe I'm spoiled, as my parents paid for my undergraduate (inexpensive state school, and I got some scholarships). However, that doesn't mean it was easy to strike out on my own. My mother, especially, is notorious for using financial support of any kind as a "leash." As long as I was taking even a cent, I had to respond immediately to her calls and texts, not take classes she didn't approve of, divulge all grades, and generally put up with being seen as/called/implied to be a failure, fat, and worthy of shame because I'm not straight. The emphasis on academic perfection and doing exactly what was asked and not making my own decisions was/is crippling. I'm embarrassed to admit that it's really hard to pick my own classes now in grad school, plan a trip or even a dinner menu, or think about what I want my life to be.

I'm 24 now, and even though I'm at a great program, I tend to struggle with thinking I'm terrible at everything/ugly/stupid. It's hard for me to assert myself or "sell" my skills in interviews.

So yes, I may have more opportunities than an SAHD, but am similarly handicapped; being on your own is difficult when you've always been told you "can't." Everyone's experience is different, but we should acknowledge that some handicaps/problems are less visible than being kept at home like that young woman.

ETA: I live with my wife now, and am almost completely financially independent. Finally stood up to my family when they said hurtful things about me getting married.

[GeoBQn]

From the comments:

Shelly Morris Friday, May 02, 2014 3:28:00 PM

She could still do all of those things if she went to school or worked. I appreciate and respect her opinion and views (though they don't coincide with my own) - but have to say, I worked a full-time job while I was a full-time student, taught Sunday school every week, and still cooked, gardened, and had other hobbies I pursued (tennis and watercolor painting) -- what does Emily do with the rest of her time?

Reply

Replies

Cheryl Saturday, May 03, 2014 6:20:00 AM

Considering she has two part time jobs now--preschooling 3 children and teaching violin to 4 students (plus the third job, once a month), each of which consumes a considerable amount of her time, she doesn't have time (or the desire) for another job or college. Her days are quite full! In her "spare" time she plans outings with friends, reads (especially books that will help prepare her to be a wife, mother, and homemaker) and is also just finishing a course in chemistry. One does not need to attend college to further their education.

[dairyfreelife]

I honestly don't see why any parent would support this lifestyle. As a parent, my job is to teach and prepare my children to go out into the world and be independent and productive. My job is not to let them lounge around the house arranging flowers. I consider that a failure on the parents part more than the child's. Most human beings will be lazy if you allow them to be. It's human nature to do the least amount of work for the biggest gain possible. My job is to make sure my son doesn't fall into those bad habits and ensure he has a good work ethic and can support himself. Someday, I won't be here anymore and he'll have to make it on his own. I could never saddle any child, male or female, with the need to be dependent on someone else for basic needs. That's a path that will lead to disaster and misery.

My husband and I are definitely a team and, if something should happen to him, our family would be devastated. But, I know that I can at least support myself and my family. We won't starve, we won't have to beg for help from others, we won't have to depend on the government, we won't be living on the streets, and we won't have to burden our relatives with more mouths to feed and bodies to clothe. If something should happen to me, my husband is capable of doing the same. There is tremendous peace of mind in living this way. I don't know why any parent wouldn't want that for their child.

This assumes your children are all healthy and can care for themselves. Some children require dependency through no fault of their own or the parents. Teaching independence is important. If they can care for themselves, help out, they should. I have been staying with my parents. My dad is ill and getting worse by the day sadly. They are moving and I have been helping them while finishing my second degree. I am currently not working, but looking for a full time job for the end of the school. They are okay with that because it's a tradeoff. They offer food and a roof over my head and I have plenty in savings for gas for now and basics like that and in exchange I help care for the house and help them prepare the house for moving...which is basically a makeover and spring cleaning for the entire place, so more work than it sounds. Plus moving is hella stressful in and of itself. In addition to studying and classes, I don't have a ton of extra time, but sometimes I procrastinate on papers by coming here and reading and responding to posts.

At 22, I was working though. Daycare, more than three pupils. She's not really teaching much anyway as she has no formal training or knowledge of children's development or requirements to actually run a school. Teaching your siblings/nieces/nephews/a neighbhor's kid how to count to 10 and say the alphabet doesn't count as teaching and to teach more a couple children in their home for real would require a license and to get a license to teach preschool she'd have to have advanced education, which she does not have. Nice try though.

And she's not getting paid to teach violin and making dinner is something most adults can do with paying jobs.

The rest of her stuff sound like hobbies most people have in addition to work and/or school.

I am not sad she's living with her parents. I am sad she is led to believe she does not have any other options but to stay home. If she likes music and teaching, maybe being a music teacher would be a good job for her. About four years of college classes and one semester of student teaching and she'd have an education degree and would get good benefits and not wonderful pay, but good enough to live off of pay, and she could save up money, get holidays off and with pay and gets summers off too. She can teach lessons on the side too and also garden, sew, play with pinterest, cook dinners, and be involved with her church and the church choir in her spare time and on weekends.

[ndmomma]

What I find interesting is that they really seem to just be coming up with busywork for these daughters. SEE how BUSY we are!!!!!11!! Like the song in Tangled. http://youtu.be/je4nDvNJXsg

I'm a SAHM of four, and I've been taking classes part time (4.0 in Special Ed. Certification, TYVM), I have kids with and without special needs that I adore and spend lots of time with, and I STILL get bored outta my skull and can't wait to get back into the work force in the fall. Cleaning the house to perfection is a lost cause if kids live in it, and my husband doesn't care as long as it's not bio hazardous and we can find stuff. I'm a little more picky.

I can do the homeschooling (did it for 18 months while seeking out a suitable school for child with autism), the baking (total pain now that two of my four can't eat gluten), the sewing, the baby making (I make cute ones), etc. but I'm really glad that's not all that my life is about!

[Toothfairy]

I think you're on to something. These are families who thought their daughters' princes would sweep in when they turned 18, and instead they're in their 20's, or later, and are still waiting without any prospects in sight. Since their training to be a wife/mother is complete, how are they passing their time? How can potential suitors know they're not sitting on their asses eating bon bons all day? How many suitors can there be when young men are supposed to own homes before they come a-knockin' at daddy's door?

I do wonder how many of them are secretly worried. The movement is falling, and what's left are a bunch of girls and young women without the unskilled skills needed to even work in fast food. I think any trust in god is because a lot of them don't know what else to do at this point. We're starting to see fundies doing the unthinkable by letting their daughters take real classes here and there. Continuing to chant that being a SAHD is the only right way for all daughters to go is extremely dangerous, more than it was. These young adults won't get welfare if their dads die tomorrow and their brothers are married off and can't afford to support them in addition to their own families. Wives being keepers of the home made sense when running a home was a full-time job back before vacuum cleaners and when washing machines were still hand-cranked and making even an easy dinner took a couple hours, back when one income supported the household. Now that it takes a couple incomes, it just doesn't make sense at all.

Because the real worlds doesn't work that way. It will bite you in the ass if you're not prepared for it.

[nelliebelle1197]

Thank you for that. I often feel very inadequate when this subject comes up, as it makes me feel even more like an absolute failure.

I dislike them too, Trynn, for a variety of reasons. Don't feel sad, Trynn. Slow and steady wins the race!

[KSmom]

I dislike them too, Trynn, for a variety of reasons. Don't feel sad, Trynn. Slow and steady wins the race!

This, a million times!! And that is one of the major things about fundies ideas of child raising, SAHM, SAHD, education, etc. that make my blood boil. Not everyone is the same, but they teach that if you don't fit into their mold, then you aren't godly enough, and it is sin, and on and on.

It probably bothers me so much, because I was raised by a domineering mother, who believed only her ideas were the right ones. Ironically, I was raised to have a full time career (like she did), and it was the last thing that I wanted. I wanted a large family, and to stay home with them. It was tough for a long time, but I did it, and I am so glad I did. As a result, my priority as a mom, and as a homeschooler has always been to help me children to each become who they were meant to be as an individual.

And my daughter, she went away to college. Moved back home, worked for a 1 1/2 years, and now has gone back to grad school. You know why, because this is what she wants, and what she is meant to do. I would be a horrible parent, if I kept her from this.

[Ave Maria]

Yes, but not everyone CAN. I'm glad you were able to pull yourself out of that situation but not everyone is able to do what you did.

And not everyone wants to.

If someone's parents are willing to finance their lifestyle, and the child is happy with it, why the heck not?

I bought into the whole college as default mentality -- I'm glad I did, because I wouldn't have met my husband if I hadn't left for another part of the state (we met online, but I was searching within 50 miles of where I was living, not of where my parents lived) and I needed to get out of a place with no prospects, either for marriage or career. I was force fed the whole "career = life goal" mentality, but I never bought it fully -- I only managed to talk the talk, but I never really believed that was what I wanted. I dropped out of college when I got married, and I've never regretted it.

However, if things had been different in terms of marriage prospects near my family, being a SAHD would have saved my family a lot of money -- I'll be the first to admit that.

[Ave Maria]

I don't see marriage at 22 as something to brag about, and it's telling that some people still do. I wonder if that's generational?

Brag as in "I'm better than you because a guy asked me and I said yes?" No. Something that's an accomplishment? Sure, especially if the couple was ready to be married, etc.

We were 21 and 26, and we've been married less than five years. I'm from a more rural area than my DH, and no one on my side was startled at all by my marrying when I did. Some of my DH's friends gave him crap about marrying a 21-year-old, but they got over it. His friend who was most vocal about it (mostly a "How can you marry someone who doesn't even WANT a master's degree?" mentality) is now as much my friend as his.

All things equal, I think marrying younger can have certain benefits in terms of building a life together instead of trying to fit two already built lives together after the fact.

[16strong]

I would like to chime in and point out the recent wedding culture obsession that has arisen via TLC and Pinterest. I know so many people that have gotten married for the attention and to be able to brag about how they were married, only to get divorced 2 years later. The constant influx of shiny bouquet pictures and lined-up bridesmaids in cute dresses doesn't do society any good, I think. It puts way too much emphasis on one day rather than in having a loving marriage. More stock needs to be put into only settling when you have actually found the right person. Nobody should be made to feel guilty if they happen to find that "special person" in their late 30's rather than their 20's. Human lives are so short. How is it reasonable to assume everyone find the perfect match in just ten years? Or even 20 for that matter.

[nausicaa]

I dislike them too, Trynn, for a variety of reasons. Don't feel sad, Trynn. Slow and steady wins the race!

Hear hear! Well put Nelliebelle1197.

[MrsFoxx]

I think your rant is unreasonable. How in the world do you know what anybody who posted here went through to get where they were at 22? Seriously, you really pissed me off. I was the first person in my family to go to college, my parents not only didn't pay one cent of it, they charged me room and board while I was going to college until my dad finally threw me out my junior year. I slept on friend's sofas and worked three jobs until my senior year when I impressed the biggest company in town enough to get an internship. Then I worked just one job and went to school full time and what a treat that was, and I actually had a room in someone's home with a bed instead of a sofa. My parents were so upset that I had somehow managed to get my degree they refused to come to my graduation and didn't talk to me for two years. Don't tell me my parents weren't assholes. Maybe because they were I pushed myself so hard to get the hell out of there.

I don't give SAHD's a pass. It would be hard for them to leave, but many people have started from less and made it work.

Yes and no.

I had a close friend in high school who wanted to become a nurse or nurse midwife. She graduated nearly two years ahead of me, and yet while I was applying for colleges and prepping to leave home, she was calling my mom on the sly and asking for help creating a high school transcript from nothing. Her mother told her that it wasn't worth it for daughters to get an education when they were just going to get married an have kids. She never did get to college.

Her parents found her a suitable mate, and she married and supported him through seminary. They have a fifth child on the way.

I agree that people can make it out, but it takes a lot of oomph, and not everyone has that oomph, or knows where to find the support system to get out. Or how to maintain a support system once out. To me, it looks a lot like other kinds of abuse. People have to be ready to get out, and sometimes they're not ready until the third or fourth attempt. And sometimes? It's just too late, they're trapped in the cycle and they're part of the next round of problems.

[Hane]

My mom was far from a fundie , but she was a control freak in many ways. One of those was her insistence that any girl who lived on her own before marriage "might as well be putting a red light in her window." This applied to guys, too, because unmarried, employed adults "owe it" to their parents to pay board, in payment for all the money the parents spent on their kids' education.

This was one of the reasons I married so young--to get the hell out "legally." (My parents married at the same ages my first husband and I did.) It was the only way, in our generation. The few cousins who went away to college were guys.

My sisters didn't wind up finding guys to marry as early as I did, so they were college-educated, fully employed SAHDs until they married at 28 and 26, respectively.

The upshot of this was that I made sure my daughter was able to live away at college, and I gave her moral support (plus a couple of hundred bucks' worth of household goods) when she got her own apartment. And I didn't throw a tantrum when her boyfriend (now husband) moved in.

[Firiel]

Yeah, my life at 22 sucked pretty badly.

I was working two shitty part time jobs while being a "homemaker" (all the cooking and cleaning) so my (now ex-)husband could go to school and work part time. I felt like a complete failure because I had been told growing up and in college that I was intelligent, capable, and could do anything I wanted... and I was cleaning toilets for a living. I cried virtually every day (usually multiple times) and hated myself maybe more than I ever have in my life.

I was doing all this stuff because I desperately wanted to be responsible and self-sufficient and support my husband who ended up having an affair and leaving me after two years, despite the fact that I was 100%, Jaynee Lockwood level committed to being with him forever, through everything.

Things have gotten better since then, but I would be completely unsurprised if Emily is happier and healthier emotionally than I was at 22...

[JaChelle Sugar]

*sings*

What do the fundy girls do

To help them escape from their blues?

[teachergirl]

so on this note, Jacinda from Growing Home has an "encouraging" message for all those SAHD's who feel left out. Her and Brad went to a homeschool conference. leaving their 3 young children in the care of a 20 year old SAHD who comes from a family of nine. I think what made me so sad was 1.) did she get paid for her entire weekend's worth of work? 2.) I HATE that this is sold as a ministry to these young women. No, it isn't a ministry to work for free ( more than likely) with families who are overwhelmed with their own families. I HATE that they would be seen as selfish for maybe not wanting to help out mothers on bedrest, take care of children on the weekends, in addition to all of the work they do with their own families.

I was there was some way to get through to them that there is nothing biblical about any of this.

[DGayle]

This assumes your children are all healthy and can care for themselves. Some children require dependency through no fault of their own or the parents. Teaching independence is important. If they can care for themselves, help out, they should. I have been staying with my parents. My dad is ill and getting worse by the day sadly. They are moving and I have been helping them while finishing my second degree. I am currently not working, but looking for a full time job for the end of the school. They are okay with that because it's a tradeoff. They offer food and a roof over my head and I have plenty in savings for gas for now and basics like that and in exchange I help care for the house and help them prepare the house for moving...which is basically a makeover and spring cleaning for the entire place, so more work than it sounds. Plus moving is hella stressful in and of itself. In addition to studying and classes, I don't have a ton of extra time, but sometimes I procrastinate on papers by coming here and reading and responding to posts.

At 22, I was working though. Daycare, more than three pupils. She's not really teaching much anyway as she has no formal training or knowledge of children's development or requirements to actually run a school. Teaching your siblings/nieces/nephews/a neighbhor's kid how to count to 10 and say the alphabet doesn't count as teaching and to teach more a couple children in their home for real would require a license and to get a license to teach preschool she'd have to have advanced education, which she does not have. Nice try though.

And she's not getting paid to teach violin and making dinner is something most adults can do with paying jobs.

The rest of her stuff sound like hobbies most people have in addition to work and/or school.

I am not sad she's living with her parents. I am sad she is led to believe she does not have any other options but to stay home. If she likes music and teaching, maybe being a music teacher would be a good job for her. About four years of college classes and one semester of student teaching and she'd have an education degree and would get good benefits and not wonderful pay, but good enough to live off of pay, and she could save up money, get holidays off and with pay and gets summers off too. She can teach lessons on the side too and also garden, sew, play with pinterest, cook dinners, and be involved with her church and the church choir in her spare time and on weekends.

Disabled adult children are always an exception to this when they aren't capable of taking care of themselves. Adult children who are capable of independence are harmed when denied the ability to learn to be independent.

In your situation, you have the skills to be fairly independent, and are working to further your skills, which is very different from these SAHDs who don't have independent skills, and actively shun anything that could teach them to be. You are also helping care for an ailing family member. You aren't an abled adult doing nothing more than putzing around the house lighting candles and waiting for a man to swoop in so you can be dependent on him.

Her mom is the one who posted this list. I think the snark is more on her mom thinking that these things make her daughter's life so overwhelmingly busy. In reality, I think she's advertising her daughter.

[DGayle]

I would like to chime in and point out the recent wedding culture obsession that has arisen via TLC and Pinterest. I know so many people that have gotten married for the attention and to be able to brag about how they were married, only to get divorced 2 years later. The constant influx of shiny bouquet pictures and lined-up bridesmaids in cute dresses doesn't do society any good, I think. It puts way too much emphasis on one day rather than in having a loving marriage. More stock needs to be put into only settling when you have actually found the right person. Nobody should be made to feel guilty if they happen to find that "special person" in their late 30's rather than their 20's. Human lives are so short. How is it reasonable to assume everyone find the perfect match in just ten years? Or even 20 for that matter.

I have so many friends who are over 30, still unmarried, and think that there's something wrong with them and they'll never find the one. Our society's obsession with the perfect wedding, almost always aimed at rich (or willing to credit themselves to the hilt) early-20-somethings. At least in my circle, the more the wedding cost, and the more perfect the minute details had to be, the quicker the divorce, almost without exception.

[Talitha Cumi]

Maybe many of us were behind in one way or another. I was already married at 22 but I certainly was not very independent. I knew nothing of our household finances. My husband took care of it all early on, simply because he's a finance/accounting guy and he just kind of took it all on without us even discussing it. Not until he started traveling a lot for business, did I make myself learn all of that. I was really shy until I had kids too. Something about parenthood made me push myself outside my own comfort zone in social settings.

I was in a top law school, and severely depressed. I spent most days in bed. Somehow I managed not to fail out, but I didn't get a lot done besides bare survival.

[RosyDaisy]

A lot of fundie SAHDs here in Tiny Town got off their asses and helped people after last week's tornado. Something for other fundies to think about.

[ariel9]

I made the pumpkin thing it was delicious. At 22 years of age I was running 4 miles a day I was a full-time student I skinny-dipped, juggled multiple guys at once,bar hopper, baked/cooked, full time student, camp counselor, and hospital volunteer.

[blisterine]

Did anyone mention writing letters to your future husband?