Support Christian Porn! Instructional Porn for Christians!

[freethemall]

My friend posted this website on FB, I thought it was hilarious and that my fellow snarkers would love it: televictim.com/christianporn.html

I honestly don't even know if something this amazing is even real, I sure hope so!

Welcome to the home of the Christian Porn movement. Our mission is to clean up that which is currently known as "pornographic"

videos, movies, or films. All filmed sexual acts in the Christian Porn genre are genuine intentions to create life, performed by

heterosexual married Christian couples. As acts of procreation they are not immoral, illicit, or dirty, but expressions of love between

husband and wife, who are in love with each other exclusively. None of the acts are unnatural or adulterous. We feel the viewing of an

expression of love shared by a married man and woman is one of the most beautiful and natural gifts bestowed to us by God. Praise

God, brothers and sisters.

Is it acceptable for Christians to view adult entertainment? Our stance on pornography is directly informed by our position on

sex and sexuality with regards to Christianity. Depending on the circumstances, the act of intercourse can be either a defilement

of the body and soul through lust and indulgence of the senses, or it can be a celebration of God-given sexuality that uplifts the

bodies and spirits of both partners. Likewise, pornography could either be degrading and sinful (as it almost always is), or it

could depict acts that, when viewed appropriately, could enhance the sexual and sensual relationships of believers.

The descriptions of some of these "instructional", "uplifting", "inspirational" depictions include:

"The Body of Chris" (2006) -- Starring newcomer Chris Varney and his well-sculpted body. He and Mrs. Varney, a petite

beauty, love each other on two beaches and in a pool.

"Round Yon Virgin" (2006) -- The raven-haired Louisa Flagler and her well-endowed new husband consummate their

marriage in a Jacuzzi, losing their virginity together.

"Rod Is the Answer" (2005) -- Christian Porn ironman Rod Parker's most memorable film. Known for their marathon

sessions, the Parkers perform in the shower, the kitchen, the garage, and practically every room in the house. Follow-up to the

break-through "In Rod We Trust" (2005).

"Oh, Come, All Ye Faithful" (2004) -- Californians Jodi and Michael Connor follow Sunday service with a love-making

session, inspired by their reverend's words regarding the value of human touch.

"Lazarus Rises" (2004) -- New Jersey's Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Brooks depict marriage during Biblical times. Wardrobe and

locations are impressively authentic.

Oh p.s this is the first thread I've ever created! Thought this gem would be perfect for my first!

[freethemall]

Oh also it mentions free clips if you email them, so I just sent an email saying: "Hi there! My husband and I are newlyweds and would greatly appreciate some of these free clips! God bless!"

You're welcome FJ.

[ILoveJellybeans]

OMG this is hilarious :D

[Ridiculous]

Based on the titles, I'm guessing satire? Is this actually legitimate?

[Ariel]

:lol: :lol:

Lazarus Rises

:lol: :lol:

So only married couples can perform porn. Can single christians watch it?

[Loveday]

This can't possibly be serious. :wtf:

Can it? :shock:

[snarkopolis]

Had to go see for myself. televictim...... the name speaks for itself. There is a link for t shirts, that leads to the main televictim site which has many many many inappropriate t shirts. So I'm thinking, snark in the best sense possible. Notice there is no way to actually just order the movies?

[doggie]

Had to go see for myself. televictim...... the name speaks for itself. There is a link for t shirts, that leads to the main televictim site which has many many many inappropriate t shirts. So I'm thinking, snark in the best sense possible. Notice there is no way to actually just order the movies?

well I am sure you need a letter from your minister to verify you are married heterosexual and christian.

[Lainey]

This is hilarious! It can't be real...but it's still funny!

Freethemall, I keep reading your username as "free the mall." :lol:

[Minerva]

Had to go see for myself. televictim...... the name speaks for itself. There is a link for t shirts, that leads to the main televictim site which has many many many inappropriate t shirts. So I'm thinking, snark in the best sense possible. Notice there is no way to actually just order the movies?

I kinda thought so. I could see such a product being made "strictly for instructional purposes" (maybe you have to watch it while taking a cold shower) if it weren't for the modesty thing.

[freethemall]

This is hilarious! It can't be real...but it's still funny!

Freethemall, I keep reading your username as "free the mall." :lol:

Hah I kind of realized that when I made it - I'm not good at making clever usernames and thought that it sounding like free the mall added that little bit of required wit.

Also, I received a mailer_daemon for the free clip email. I think the site is a joke. But how amazing would this be if it was real? I could totally see Priscilla and David looking at it trying to figure out what to do as newlyweds (though I guess they figured it out) or poor Sarah Maxwell looking at it pray she won't die a virgin. Amazing.

[bookiewookie]

Those titles are just amazing and definitely had me laughing out loud. :lol:

[Closed Womb]

Jesus Christ with a Klondike Bar, why can't this be true? I'm dying over here.

[church_of_dog]

Jesus Christ with a Klondike Bar, why can't this be true? I'm dying over here.

That sounds like it ought to be one of the movie titles...

Is that a Klondike Bar in your pocket or are you... etc etc etc