The Politics of being Pregnant

[Nothing2CHere]

Oh, so much to comment on and share! First, congrats to all the mothers-to-be, the PhDs-to-be, and everyone else living a kick-ass life the way you want to be living it right now :D

This isn't to say that I haven't had really cool pregnancy moments, like my 20 week ultrasound where she YAWNED!!!, (where were the news camera crews???) or when I look at my husband and realize how incredibly lucky I am, or when it's just me and the wee one in bed and she moves about and I realize how much I love this little person we made (my baby is a little person because we want her, no one should ever be forced to endure all of the shit I just listed if they don't absolutely want to, embryos are not people, I've already posted about this and FYI, to all the fundies out there, pregnancy has made me more militantly pro choice than ever before). Those moments are pretty awesome.

Get out of my head! The bolded is almost EXACTLY the same thing I began thinking last year while I was still pregnant. My baby was a wanted baby, but damn I hated being pregnant, and my pregnancy made me realize that no one should be forced to go through that if they don't want to.

My husband and I had always planned on having two kids, but now that LittleBabyNothing is here, we're 99% sure we're one-and-done. A lot of why we wanted two kids was because "that's just how things are done" - we each had a sibling, all our parents had at least one sibling, there just weren't "only children" in our immediate family. But I just do not want to go through pregnancy again. Part of my reasoning is health issues. I was 36 when I got pregnant, and I had not major complications, but enough where I have no desire to go through that again. Taking care of LBN is also a handful between me and my husband; we don't know how we'd do it with two of them. So I appreciate all the tales of the happy, well-adjusted only children out there, because it makes me feel more reassured about our decision. Luckily no one has given us grief about it (at least so far).

Now, I was spared bad morning sickness during my pregnancy. Instead I got major depression and anxiety! That first month I was pregnant was a blur of crying and crying and crying. And then I had the postpartum depression after LBN was born. Zoloft = <3

As for whoever said not to share the baby names beforehand, seconded. I've got a hyphenated last name, and my husband and I decided to also give LBN a hyphenated last name, too. Who had the biggest issue with this? My husband's MOTHER. Ugh, she felt the need to come over to our house to talk about her feelings on the matter THREE DAYS before I was scheduled to give birth (scheduled c-section). JUST what my hormonal pregnant self needed. I still don't know what she had hoped to accomplish, other than make me an absolute wreck, especially since now that he's here, there hasn't been a peep made about his surname. Maybe they're just in denial.

OK, last commentary I wanted to make, about the OP and societal pressures and expectations. My husband is such a good father; he really was born to be a daddy. If we had the financial means, he would gladly become a stay at home dad. He's also the one to usually get up with LBN during the night, because it's very, very hard for me to function when my sleep is interrupted. I personally have not really had to deal with a lot of "mommy wars" stuff, or shocked expressions about, "What do you mean you're going back to work and you're not going to stay home and dedicate every waking moment to your precious baby once he's born?" BUT, knowing that that's what "society" expects had a lot to do with all the anxiety and depression I went through during my pregnancy. Even though I wasn't personally experiencing it, I knew those expectations still existed, and I also knew that that was NOT the type of person I was, and it really messed with my head. I love my son, I'm glad he's here, but he's not the whole of my universe, which is what I felt/feel society expects of me. What he is is a very important part of my universe, one that helps make the stars a lot twinklier now.

[Fundie Lite]

I wish more people would talk about the problems they have when they're pregnant. I just found out that I'm pregnant a couple weeks ago and I've been suffering from the worst bloating I've ever had in my entire life. I mean, the bloating was so bad that I started thinking that I had some kind of intestinal or colon cancer. Just to settle my nerves, I Googled, "bloating during early pregnancy" and BINGO, it turns out that when you're pregnant, progesterone slows down digestion and causes bloating. Nobody every told me about this, so I didn't have a clue. I feel like these kind of things should be a part of our basic health education when we're in high school or middle school.

[BoomerLynn]

Congrats Soldier on the arrow :)

I find society's expectation that I *should* be getting pregnant a bit disturbing at times. One day a few months after I got married, one of my male colleagues said "hey Gertie, we've been discussing it amongst ourselves, and we can tell you're pregnant because your boobs are bigger." I must have had a look of shock on my face because another guy piped up "don't worry, men often notice it before the women do." Another time one of them called me over to see a picture of me (side profile) he'd taken that morning as I walked through the office. The shape of my belly "proved" that I was pregnant. (I wasn't, either time. And I hadn't had a boob job either...!)

:shock: OMG I think I would have hit him.

Paganhomeschooler I completely agree about babycenter. That site is evil.

[kb2]

Some people will feel entitled or qualified to comment on your plans to either stay at home or return to work. I had SO MANY of my colleagues say something like, "So, are you going to be a stay at home mom? My wife gave up her career so that our kids wouldn't be in some daycare being raised by strangers." Then I got to grit my teeth and say that no, I'd be one of those women returning to work and putting her kid in some daycare to be raised by strangers. Even in social situations it was very common for the older generation to just assume that OF COURSE we'd have me SAH, even though at the time my income was double that of my husband.

I don't have kids/have never been pregnant, but I hate it when men weigh in on the SAH/working mom issue! Which reminds me why childless me is barging in on this thread--sometimes people give me advice about children/careers even though I don't have any and am not even pregnant. While I appreciate that I have no idea what a responsibility/time-suck kids are, I feel like men are coming from a different place when they give advice. The decision to put my potential future offspring in daycare seems to be completely my responsibility, as if the only options are kb2 puts kids in daycare or kb2 stays home with them, and Mr. kb2 only needs to worry about whether or not he'll make it home to eat dinner (Which is the sign of a truly great dad. Never mind that my dad would have loved to sit down leisurely at the dinner table and eat dinner while it was hot instead of having to microwave all his dinners and immediately start helping out with homework when he got home from work a few hours after we'd eaten, because what's important is making it home to eat your wife's meal. No man ever tells me it's important for them to make it home to cook dinner.*). And people are always prefacing their advice with, "You probably haven't thought about this..." as if I've never, ever, ever considered having kids/what would happen if I had an unexpected pregnancy, and one day I'm going to wake up and be like, "Today, I want a baby!" and on that day I will realize that I haven't started a potential future children fund or chosen a house to rent with an extra bedroom or had long discussions (which, I realize, may not pan out when faced with the reality of a kid) about how we would like to raise a child as egalitarian as possible since Mr. kb2 and I both have careers we care about but would also like to provide plenty of attention to an offspring, or played the "What if we had a kid right now?" game and decided that we don't want a kid right now but we probably will in x number of years, although wait, I've done all those things.

*While giving advice. I do know a guy who does make it home often to cook his family dinner, and this is very important to him, but he doesn't throw advice about kids/careers at me, and he's way more humble about how much work he's putting into the household with his dinner-making than other guys are with their dinner-eating.

[Soldier of the One]

Thanks for the congrats, Gertie, and welcome to FJ!

Oh yes, the things they don't tell you about pregnancy. Like the bloating. And the fatigue, oh my God, the fatigue!

Same thing applies to menstruation, really. Why are women's bodily functions clothed in such mystique? (This is a rhetorical question :lol:)

[paganhomeschooler]

Soldier - You're damned if you do and damned if you don't! lol What was that quote about not pleasing people all of the time? That is what the topic of kids, pregnancy, and lack thereof is all about.

I am really more of an eclectic pagan. I started out with Wicca when I was 15 and evolved from there. I'm very much a kitchen witch. I've got Celtic and Native American heritage, so I try to incorporate those into my spiritual aspects of life. As for the kids, we've tried to raise them with no religion. They know I'm pagan. My oldest tries to say she's pagan, but her idea of pagan is ancient Greece and Rome and I've explained to her she needs to make her own choices with what makes her happy. She is a quirky gifted kid who lacks social functioning skills, so she is very black and white and it's hard to work those gray area things out with her. We're pretty sure she's got Asperger's. It's made that kind of stuff really difficult. The younger kids don't care. They're just glad we don't go to church unless a cousin is getting Baptized or has First Communion! lol

We do celebrate the wheel of the year. The kids know what the solstices and equinoxes are. I make a point to teach them the importance of conservation, being out in nature, making things with their own 2 hands, etc. We do organic gardening and spend a lot of time hiking and at parks. All of the kids are learning crafting skills. My oldest crochets and spins on a drop spindle, the middle 2, including a son, knit. The littlest guy also has recently been asking to learn to knit. Molly Weasley is my idol. :-) Equality and compassion for humankind is also a big thing. The kids go out of their way to help people, pick up trash, etc. We homeschool because of the educational aspect, so religion isn't a big focus. This isn't SOTDRT, darn it! lol Oh, we also do quite a bit with herbs.

I guess I just try to incorporate what's important to me in the aspects of their everyday life. My husband is agnostic, so he doesn't really care. Again, it's just really been important to us to leave the matter of the kids' spirituality up to them when they are old enough to make that decision on their own. Since we've recently moved, we are now very close to a UU church, and I'm hoping to start taking them there. I'd like to reinforce the aspect of getting along with your fellow humans and expose them to more diverse religious aspects than they get in their day to day life. We've moved to the country, so it's WASP land out here. My oldest is very interested in Judaism. WWII is one of her obsessions, and the Holocaust made a big impression on her. I think one of the most profound moments of her life was when she got to see a prisoner uniform from Auschwitz at the Wright-Patt AFB a couple years ago. She actually just went back to public school now that we've moved. She desperately wants to fit in. She was bullied horribly at her old school, which is why we pulled her to homeschool in the first place. We're hoping the kids will be nicer to her out here. She went to public school until 5th grade. My 2nd daughter went until 3rd. My son went most of his K year. The little guy doesn't start school officially until next year. He will most likely start at home. We use an e-school curriculum, so I don't have to work up lesson plans and things which I think is fabulous. Some fundies in the FB group for the e-school were in a tizzy because they teach evolution. They were promptly told off...by other Christians, I might add...and deleted their comments! lol

[Soldier of the One]

Thanks for sharing, paganhomeschooler, that was really interesting!

Although I am an evil monotheist, I feel quite close to pagans and heathens. Pantheism was my way back into religion and Judaism (my religion) is very earth-centered and honors the cycles of Nature, so apart from the multiple-deity thing, I sometimes feel like a kindred spirit. (As for polytheism: to each their own, I don't judge - it's just not how my spirituality works).

I can only imagine the kind of religious and social persecution pagans can experience so I respect you sticking to your guns.

As a religion geek, I love researching all religious and spiritual paths and I am particularly intrigued by the 'Reconstructionist' heathen subset - especially the Roman, Hellenistic and Norse traditions. Love that Nova Roma wiki! It also gives me historical context for understanding my own ancient tradition.

My hubby and I have seriously discussed homeschooling, not to shy away from the world, but because we are a good educational match and could stimulate our kids. He's got the hard sciences down, I've got the social sciences down. We both have languages. We most probably won't though, but it's kinda cool to think of homeschooling in a progressive light.

Sorry again for the threadjack :) Take care!

[RachelB]

Congratulations, Soldier (and all the other parents-to-be on the forum). I hope your pregnancy and delivery goes as smoothly as possible.

I'm not a mother-- just an auntie-- but I was incensed at the people who felt it was open season on my sister-in-law when she was pregnant (unsolicited touching, unsolicited advice, and a whole lot of judgmental crap). There's a whole church of Pregnancy: You're Doing It Wrong (followed by Parenting: You're Doing It Wrong) out there, and it has endless prophets. I wish you the fortitude to deal with that nonsense in whatever way suits you best.

[Soldier of the One]

Thank you RachelB, for both the well wishes and the fortitude.

There should be a book called: Pregnancy - You're Doing It Wrong. Followed by: Parenting - You're Doing It Wrong. And of course, the catch-all: Life - You're Doing It Wrong. :lol:

[grateful1230]

Congratulations on all of these much waited on arrows! We should have a separate thread for FJ Upcoming Births ;)

I've read through the last pages, and was amazed at how quickly I remembered those insane "politics". FYI, mother politics are alive and well. Sorry..

So here are my few contributions to the Things People Don't Say (or Do)

1. Nausea.

That damn tea and that dumb patch did nothing for me. I only got sick every morning from 7-9am (don't ask, I think my son was on a timer). After the 33billionth time of watching me run out of my 8am Spanish class to puke, a classmate came out and offered me a bit of marijuana. Yes, it worked. I'm not advocating or not, and I will be the first to admit that I was scared I had screwed up my boy. Then again, I also was worried about every disease heard of, which brings me to number 2.

2. TLC/Discovery, etc.

I believe a few up thread have also touched on this, and I may very well have been the only paranoid mother in the world, but.. I called my mom worried about every disease from DS to Sickle Cell (we're caucasian/native american..this one was just ridiculous) BTW my son was born 8'9 22" long. He's 11 now and the worst he's had is the chronic strep we're dealing with currently.

3. No one remembered to tell me that every part of my body was affected in some way or another. Theoretically one would just assume this, ha. Some mornings only my toes were swollen. Some mornings I could've sworn I just went to sleep. I woke up one morning, looked down, and could've sworn the child had tripled in size while I slept. Another morning I woke up and my boobs fit into not. one. bra. although they had the night before.

Some of it was fun, for sure. We made a game out of what will I look like in the morning? The end result has certainly been the most fun :)

Can't wait to hear random pregnancy thoughts from all of you as the months go by!

[valsa]

If I ever get pregnant, I think the touching is going to bug me the most. Maybe I'll take a page from Boondocks and carry around a watergun filled with urine and hot sauce?

[Soldier of the One]

If I ever get pregnant, I think the touching is going to bug me the most. Maybe I'll take a page from Boondocks and carry around a watergun filled with urine and hot sauce?

Valsa, when someone says 'hot sauce', it always reminds me of this:

theoatmeal.com/comics/sriracha

:)

[Minerva]

Wow, thanks for the un-sugar coated pregnancy trivia. I've been reading it out loud to Mr. Minerva. We're both shocked that so many people think it's not a big deal.

[laura oz]

Pregnant face. Nobody talks about it, and they should. I'll never forget watching with strange fascination after I gave birth as my actual face came back. I'm not talking the black eyes and puffiness from too much pushing, I'm talking about the fact that my nose tried to keep up with my stomach in the growing department. How/why the hell did that happen?

[Nothing2CHere]

Concerning nausea, a friend who is currently pregnant in her first trimester has started wearing a motion sickness band (one of the fabric ones with the plastic ball that sits on your wrist's pressure point). She says she's not sure if it's really working or just psychological, but it's doing the trick for her.

[Cannelle]

Another morning I woke up and my boobs fit into not. one. bra. although they had the night before.

OMG, the giant pregnancy boobs! I had the same thing happen. I was sicker than a dog (yay, hyperemesis!) and I woke up one morning with my boobs pink as a pig and HUGE!!!!!! (And I already had a huge rack as it was.) And talk about painful! They say you may experience some breast tenderness- they don't say, "Your boobs will hurt like you're being shot when someone so much as looks at them. Don't even think about laying on your stomach, and it'll hurt so bad you'll nearly pass out if you let the shower water hit them." I was already feeling so terrible (and I think I went into the hospital for the first time a few days later) that I just stood in front of the mirror and cried. LOL No one ever, ever mentioned that that would happen.

No one told me about the giant elephant ear-sized pads you get after birth, either, or those horrible mesh undies you have to stuff the pads into. I laughed hysterically when the nurse brought those things in. Or how HUGE your boobs get when your milk comes in- I was 131.5 lbs the day before I had my son, and when my milk came in, I was a 36DD. Holy stripper knockers, Batman! :lol:

Congrats to all our expecting Free Jingerites, and congrats on everything else you've accomplished. :)

[Soldier of the One]

Cannelle, that is an impressive rack, especially for someone your weight. Wow.

I'm jealous!

When the Good Lord gave out boobage... let's say I was waiting in line for brains instead :lol:

(Disclaimer: not implying well-endowed women are any less intelligent, just implying that when one fails in the boob department, nerdy compensation is key).

Thank you for the congratulations. Keep the good (and honest!) stories coming, ladies!

[Edhelfin]

I can relate to part of that issue. I have a Master's degree, successfully established a career and life for myself in a foreign country, I would like to think of myself as a person with a wide range of interests and I am trying to pursue my documentary-making dreams. A month ago I got married and people who never wanted to know anything about my interests or asked to see my film started bombarding me with questions about every detail of the big day, the photos, what I love about the partner etc. Yesterday I got the first "now it is time for a baby!" remark. And the following silence when I told them we decided long ago to be childfree. I suppose more will follow.

[emiliawasframed]

As someone in their mid 30's without kids, I can say that to some people, it doesn't matter that I have a graduate degree, own my own house and two cars, have a stable job that has allowed the previous, and I'm decent in my field of art on the side, I'm nothing. I'm nothing to them because I am single and have no children, and even worth less if my joint issues are acting up.

So, to sum it up, to a large part of our society, the only worthwhile thing a woman can do is have kids.

I am married, but I'm also a woman with a disability who is childless by choice, and I've run into the attitude you mention far too often. When I began working at my current job, almost every woman I met there asked me if I had children, and why I did not, within minutes of meeting me. That is just rude, in my opinion. I am responsible; I am educated (completing a doctorate at the moment); I give back to my community, and I have a full life.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Re boobs:

I vividly remember watching Oprah when baby #1 was a week old, and one of the topics of the day was having someone from Cosmo demonstrate how to create cleavage even if you are flat.

I had to laugh. My milk had come in and the DD bra was not up to the job.

Re symptoms:

If it helps, I found that distraction played a role. I was busiest while preg with baby #2 (since I was a working mom of 1, and moved a week before the birth), and don't have much memory of preg symptoms (aside from tons of bleeding in the first trimester followed by paranoia). OTOH, I stopped working when I was 6 mos preg with baby #3, and had tons of aches and pains.

[RosyDaisy]

I remember when my sister was pregnant with her first child, she was getting all kinds of advice, especially from religious whack jobs. I never will forget the day she told a Pentecostal preacher's wife to shut the hell up and mind her own damn business. If she needed advice, she would ask our mother. That was a priceless moment.